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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why why why do people have kids without marriage

364 replies

changedandcantchangeback · 26/04/2022 20:12

Obviously if you earn more.. have an independent income... so NOT aimed at you..

But WHY after all these years do I see threads from economically improvised women STILL posting how they are so severely compromised ?

OP posts:
IstayedForTheFeminism · 27/04/2022 06:31

Robinni · 27/04/2022 02:45

have commonly seen in divorces I’ve been aware of that ex DH continues to pay wife’s credit card amongst other things, and/or school fees (including university), health insurance for kids etc

I suppose it depends on your perspective. If both spouses are on low wages it probably doesn’t matter as much.

Show quote history

But school fees/university/kids health insurance isn't linked to whether the parents were married or not. An unmarried and separated couple could also split the cost of those things.

Paying ex Wives credit cards is more unusual though, I'll give you that!

TalkingCat · 27/04/2022 06:34

Fridafever · 27/04/2022 06:28

Actually your link backs up my point that if you have no spouse they go to the next blood relative.And the link doesn't disprove that marriage is NOK at all. All it says is that you can choose who your NOK is.

You haven’t read it then - it says you can chose one if you like but that there is no legal status to next of kin and that they won’t have control over your treatment. So your scenario of your boyfriend’s family coming in and making decisions is not something that happens in the UK.

It’s ok to be wrong occasionally, honestly.

If someone has no POA, then if consent is urgently required, who do you think they go to? Hint; NOK. Although that link doesn't set it out, that's how it works.

Also, If you have not made a Will, the law sets out who has the right to deal with your affairs after you have died and who can inherit according to their legal or blood relationship to you. Your spouse or civil partner comes first, and then the closest degrees of blood (or adoptive) relative in this order: children, parents, brothers and sisters, and so on

says spouse or legal civil partner, if not legal then blood family.

As I said.

I'm not wrong. :)

Sofielou · 27/04/2022 06:36

speakout · 27/04/2022 06:26

TalkingCat "No Morals" ??? WTF? Do you see having children outside wedlock sinful?
People who this is so actually make me want to stay single.
Oh and I have been together for 26 years, two kids, no wedding.

I usually find that sweeping statements such as "no morals" in relation to an entire group of people are best ignored as they are indicative of low intelligence and reasoning skills, imo.

Fridafever · 27/04/2022 06:39

If someone has no POA, then if consent is urgently required, who do you think they go to? Hint; NOK. Although that link doesn't set it out, that's how it works.

I promise you it doesn’t in the UK - it does in some other jurisdictions which might be why you’re confused.

Intestacy rules absolutely being married is relevant which is why my original point was that it isn’t important unless there are some unshared assets.

TalkingCat · 27/04/2022 06:47

I guess our grandparents and great grand parents have 'low intelligence and reasoning skills then'. 🙄

Or, perhaps, they were right.

I have to say I would be so embarrassed if my partner wouldn't commit to me after 26 years. Embarrassed and ashamed.

Fridafever · 27/04/2022 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Buildingthefuture · 27/04/2022 06:53

Being married doesn’t always mean you are protected. And no one thinks that the bad stuff will happen to them. I’ve seen, so many times, women get married. They have a good career, but have DC and give it up. Understandable, you want to spend time with your DC, child care is expensive etc…..But they then end up doing everything in the home, including supporting the DH in his career, which progresses quite nicely. Life is good. Until they reach early 50s, when previously lovely DH fucks off with Miss 30 ish perky tits and the wife is left with fuck all. Kids are grown up so no maintenance and the husband has taken legal advice and hidden as much money as he can. He rides off into the sunset and the wife is left with the bare minimum, and very limited career prospects having not working for 20+ years. It gives me the rage and is exactly why I will never depend on anyone for my income.

wishmyhousetidy · 27/04/2022 06:55

Fridafever · 27/04/2022 06:39

If someone has no POA, then if consent is urgently required, who do you think they go to? Hint; NOK. Although that link doesn't set it out, that's how it works.

I promise you it doesn’t in the UK - it does in some other jurisdictions which might be why you’re confused.

Intestacy rules absolutely being married is relevant which is why my original point was that it isn’t important unless there are some unshared assets.

I can’t work out whether you are just trying to be controversial or whether you really are as foolish as your posts make you sound

wishmyhousetidy · 27/04/2022 06:56

Fridafever · 27/04/2022 06:39

If someone has no POA, then if consent is urgently required, who do you think they go to? Hint; NOK. Although that link doesn't set it out, that's how it works.

I promise you it doesn’t in the UK - it does in some other jurisdictions which might be why you’re confused.

Intestacy rules absolutely being married is relevant which is why my original point was that it isn’t important unless there are some unshared assets.

Sorry wrong thread:) my apologies

Sofielou · 27/04/2022 06:57

TalkingCat · 27/04/2022 06:47

I guess our grandparents and great grand parents have 'low intelligence and reasoning skills then'. 🙄

Or, perhaps, they were right.

I have to say I would be so embarrassed if my partner wouldn't commit to me after 26 years. Embarrassed and ashamed.

Erm, no. Mine didn't. But anyone who decides an entire group of people have "no morals", with no attempt to define or qualify that statement, shows an inability to critically reason and think things through at a higher level, imo.

D0lphine · 27/04/2022 07:02

AllyCatTown · 27/04/2022 06:17

I think a lot of women still want the man to bring up marriage and do the romantic proposal. I have a child and we’re getting married soon. It was me who brought up marriage. If I hadn’t my partner likely wouldn’t have. As to why I had a child first. I think I’m a good judge of character and trusted my partner. It was also time of coronavirus and so weddings were postponed.

I feel so sorry for the women stuck in precarious situations. There really should be more education on these issues.

I think 100% of women getting married would say they're a good judge of character and they trust their partner.

Yet half of them get divorced.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 27/04/2022 07:05

TalkingCat · 27/04/2022 06:47

I guess our grandparents and great grand parents have 'low intelligence and reasoning skills then'. 🙄

Or, perhaps, they were right.

I have to say I would be so embarrassed if my partner wouldn't commit to me after 26 years. Embarrassed and ashamed.

A lot of people of my grandparents generation didn't agree with gay marriage, thought there was no such thing as "marital rape" (which there wasn't in the legal sense, but women were expected to agree everytime), didn't believe in divorce, thought a woman's place was in the home etc etc.
I'm not sure I'm going to listen to their ideas of morality.

Fwiw both my grandmothers had "premature" babies. Born 6/7 months after their weddings at a surprisingly healthy weight. Wink
So although they were married by the time the babies arrived, they weren't when they were conceived.

Sofielou · 27/04/2022 07:06

Applying morality to the decision to bring a child into the world who is loved, cherished and perfectly adequately provided for, is where it jars for me. When I think about "no morals" (I would never use that term, but if I did), I'd be thinking about a parent who brings a child into the world knowing full well they aren't going to love or provide for them sufficiently, and then proceeding to allow that child to suffer. That's "no morals" to me. Otherwise I don't care if a child has 1 parent, 2 parents, 3 parents, gay parents, straight parents, married or unmarried...... So long as that child will be loved, cherished and provided for, I make zero judgement on the morality of the parent or parents. I honestly can't understand how anyone would.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 27/04/2022 07:15

Because people have been sold a lie that sex and love are free, a cohabiting relationship is inherently unstable.
Marriage offers legal protection, and empirical benefits, and is by far and away the most stable format for a functioning relationship.

We're currently planning a family DP wishes to marry first.

RantyAunty · 27/04/2022 07:17

The question needs to be asked is how we ended up with so many useless men in society?

Sofielou · 27/04/2022 07:22

@IstayedForTheFeminism

Exactly. Ideas about what constitutes morality have evolved with the times. To not realise or understand that is, in my view, not particularly intelligent.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 27/04/2022 07:27

because women nearly always want children more than men do…. Yes so they go ahead and do it

I think some women live entirely on trust and hope and zero common sense.

i Got pregnant unexpectedly and was
married within six weeks. It’s totally manageable although I suppose my husband was on the same page. No chance of they don’t play ball.

Canyouanswermyquestion · 27/04/2022 07:29

Because I wanted to have kids but I don't want to get married?

(Haven't read anything else apart from the title of the thread)

TokyoTen · 27/04/2022 07:31

Because many people don't plan sufficiently well and don't carefully consider whether they have the right partner to marry and have children with.

ChocolateHippo · 27/04/2022 07:34

Economists have found that higher rates of marriage tend to be associated with higher wealth, income and level of education (I suppose because this links to long-term earning potential). So I suspect to a certain degree women are marrying if it is worth their while and it just becomes the done thing in certain sectors of society. If you want kids, you get married. Whereas if there aren't any assets and someone's income makes it unlikely that they will be able to build up substantial assets, it's not clear that marriage really provides any material protection. Especially since there is no longer social pressure to marry.

Worriedatwork1 · 27/04/2022 07:45

ValBiro · 27/04/2022 00:51

@Worriedatwork1 isn't it?! As an aside to how 1930s some of these views come across as, it feels like some really can't fathom that not everyone has 'assets' hanging around that you might lose out on should your wealthy husband leave you. A proper- dare I say - upper middle class/wealthy point of view being painted on this thread.

I'm incredibly thankful I didn't marry the idiot that fathered my first child. That was a swerve!

Absolutely- me too re my children’s father, no intention to marry current partner either, even if we did decide to have a child together. I genuinely cannot believe people are even making some of these comments, I sincerely hope my daughter won’t ever feel she ought to get married to have children!

Felix0204 · 27/04/2022 07:48

Robinni · 27/04/2022 00:56

Rights and protection for the kids - it isn’t all about the division of assets.

An unmarried father doesn’t even have parental responsibility in some cases and does not have the same obligation to pay maintenance for offspring as a married father.

If you were able to come to an amicable arrangement that is great; many other men and women aren’t so lucky and lose their rights.

I really wish unmarried had the same protections, it seems grossly unfair, particularly on children.

Show quote history

What a load of tosh yes they do if the man gets up off his arse and goes to register the birth with you . If not apply to the courts for a DNA test. If a man you marry has no assets then marriage doesn't benefit you. You would just get CMS if you divorced.

RealBecca · 27/04/2022 07:50

Let's not forget half these men arent worth being married to. Some will be shit dads, abusive or not work etc.

AngelinaFibres · 27/04/2022 07:55

My TA was absolutely convinced that she was a common law wife and had the same rights as a married woman , because she had been with her partner for 10 years and had a child with him. I tried to explain that there was no such thing as common law wife. This was years ago.There was a Panorama documentary on tv about women who had no rights to anything after their partners died. She watched it and was horrified at how vulnerable she was. They got married 6 months later. Not being married and being a shame is absolutely stupid.

AngelinaFibres · 27/04/2022 07:56

Sahm

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