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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Will I regret not having another baby?

77 replies

Mydogsbetterthanyours · 26/04/2022 11:49

I know no-one can really answer this for me, but I am sick to death of thinking about this decision! I have a 4.5 y/o and I feel like I've missed the boat slightly, in terms of them being close and playing together. My partner says its up to me ultimately, but he would probably rather not. However, he says he would adore them regardless.

I am terrified I won't cope with going back to sleepless nights and that my daughter will hate/resent me for disrupting her life. I also didn't LOVE the early days, although really started enjoying it from 6 months+.

I know people say we regret the things we don't do not the things we do. I just don't know what to do. I thought I had recently made my peace with "one and done" then this morning I saw a lady who used to take her daughter to the same class as mine went to and she (who had been undecided too!) had had a new baby. When I saw her I felt like I'd been punched in the gut with envy, jealousy, fear (that I'm making the wrong decision to stick at one) - not proud of these emotions - and now I'm back at square 1!!

Help!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Mydogsbetterthanyours · 26/04/2022 11:50

I am early/mid-30s for context.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mydogsbetterthanyours · 26/04/2022 16:17

Nobody has any sage advice for me!? 😭😩

OP posts:

alpenguin · 26/04/2022 16:20

I have 8 years between my two. They still played together and they never fight. I was over 40 when I had my second. Next year my eldest can babysit my youngest 😁

only you will know if you regret it.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/04/2022 16:22

I wouldn't personally, the slog of having two is definitely helped by them playing together, doing the same things. I think ideally 4 years is that cut off for me (i say that as someone very close to her sister who is 5yrs older).

onlywork55 · 26/04/2022 16:22

You don’t seem to have that many reasons against?

I wouldn’t worry too much about the age gap, I think it’s increasingly common to have a larger age gap these days for financial reasons. There’s no guarantee they’d play nicely together anyway even if two years apart.

I didn’t enjoy the first six months either but it does go quickly.

Can you afford another and do you have the space?

purpleboy · 26/04/2022 16:30

I've got a 10yr age gap between mine, it's probably a bit big, but for us it's worked out perfectly!
Only you know how you feel deep down, I know this sounds trivial but if you were to flip a coin, heads baby, tails no baby, then see what your initial reaction is.
Strangely I make quite big life decisions using this method, but it really is a great indicator as to how I really feel.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 16:33

You said yourself you didn’t really enjoy the first six months and are terrified of returning to the sleepless nights…so….be kind to yourself and don’t!
Stick with one and enjoy life

whoruntheworldgirls · 26/04/2022 16:34

No advice but i know exactly how you feel! Mines 5.5 and i still can't decide on whether to have number 2, my husband wants another but will accept whatever i decide.
I loved the baby stage and do miss it, but i hated my brother at a child and am worried if i had another it could be the same for my daughter, especially if second was a boy. It's so frustrating not being able to stop thinking about it.

Littlepaws18 · 26/04/2022 16:35

I have 6 years between mine and it's perfect! My oldest is independent and is a great big sister and can dress herself, amuse herself etc. and after the baby is asleep we have lovely mother and daughter time. My baby is loving the interaction he has with the family. It's works well.

A friend of mine is due in the next week, she has a 11 month old at home and I just don't know how she is going to cope!

kalidasa · 26/04/2022 16:39

I think the gap is fine. I think the "traditional" thing of having two or three children with short gaps of 2-ish years between each makes sense if you stop working completely for a bit like most women in my Mum's generation did (or, like a lot of my contemporaries, you don't start having children until e.g. later 30s so just don't have that much time), but I noticed at our DCs' school in London a lot of families started having children quite young (early 20s) and had several at roughly 5 year intervals (i.e. once the older one was in school each time), as that really spreads out the childcares cost and disruption to income. You may end up with children who are slightly less close to each other, but on the plus side you get to really focus on each one in the early years. It seems like swings and roundabouts to me to be honest. I am sort of trying out both approaches as had two with a two-year gap in my early/mid 30s and am now having another in my early 40s!

Greentomatoes21 · 26/04/2022 16:41

5 years between my two. They do hang out together (she's 6 and he is only 18 months) but they play in the garden, chase each other, make wee things in her toy kitchen etc. I didn't love the first 6-9 months with either of mine but it flew with the second. I've also enjoyed having lots of 1:1 with my second while my eldest is at school. It hasn't felt like the slog of "2 under 2" or whatever. Granted, we are a bit tied to him needing naps and stuff still and being rubbish at sitting in cafes and just loving pulling down everything within reach around the house. But he's a joy and I have no regrets. Only you know if you will regret it, or if it's even practical to have a second. But personally I think making the decision is more agonising than the actual scenario!

Countdownis35 · 26/04/2022 16:43

I can rember these thoughts when DS was 3 too! You noticed at school lots of mums starting again DS is in year 2 and there's a couple of muns with babies. I think you haven't missed the boat it would still work nicely by the time your kids are adults.

But if your OH isn't too fussed I'm not sure if it's wise!

TweetTweetMF · 26/04/2022 16:48

4.5 years between my two (wasn't planned that way but life had other plans) I wouldn't change it for the world.
It was hard work at the beginning having a reception aged child and a newborn but now they're older I'm pleased I did.

SecondhandTable · 26/04/2022 16:59

My only advice is that I wouldn't say no purely based on the age gap. There are pros and cons to all gaps. Random examples but both me and DH have sets of cousins with 8 year gaps and now as young adults each sibling set are close. Lots of people don't get much choice over age gaps anyway.

Aria2015 · 26/04/2022 17:02

I have 5 years between mine. It's made loads of things easier because my eldest is fairly independent and he can be helpful and I'm not running around after two of them. On the down side, he's not overly happy about having a sibling and he regularly tells me so! He would have loved to have stayed an only! Also, they have VERY different interests and so our family is a bit split. My husband tends to take the oldest off to do stuff and I stick with youngest. I'm hoping that will get better when my youngest is a bit older though and we can do more together.

There are lots of pluses to having just one. I know I could have been happy with just one too. There is a weird societal pressure to have more for some reason. Someone once told me that if you're undecided on what to do, write the two options on a piece of paper and fold them so you can't see which is which and then spend 2 minutes really concentrating on believing that the option you pick is the option you HAVE to go with. Then randomly pick one and when you open it, really try and focus on your gut reaction, as that's often a good indicator for how you really feel.

aSofaNearYou · 26/04/2022 17:03

Your pros and cons sound almost exactly like mine, and I'm currently pregnant with DC2!

Didn't massively love the baby stage, scared by the hard work all over again, but ideally wanted two and for them to have someone to interact with. Personally I find the pressure of being my DD's only company and needing to have the energy and imagination to make things fun for her quite draining, I grew up with a close sibling bond so am used to the idea of spending a large proportion of my childhood bouncing off another kid when playing. So I'm hoping it will be an investment, harder at first but ultimately easier!

DD will be just under 4 when the baby is born and so far doesn't seem resentful at all.

Notdoingthis · 26/04/2022 17:03

Why not? It's another whole person in your life and sibling for your dc for the rest of their life.

drpet49 · 26/04/2022 17:05

I wouldn’t want my child to be an only child. Time is on your side. Absolutely have another one

leavethewallalone · 26/04/2022 17:14

I don't think "what if I regret it" is a reason to have another child tbh. Speaking very openly. I think have another one if you genuinely want another child. If you are happy to have a bit of normality back then that is also completely fine.

I think the age gap you've got and would have now is lovely. Everyone I know that has two close together says it's really difficult and wish they'd waited. It looks like from the outside perspective but we don't have to deal with the difficult parts.

Society drills it in to us that we should have more than one child and if you're happy with having just one, stick with that.

TheDuchessOfMN · 26/04/2022 17:20

You say you felt like you’d been punched in the gut with envy, when you saw a mum with a newborn?

I think there’s your answer. Do it!

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 26/04/2022 17:25

Don’t worry about age gaps.

I’ve 11 years between child 1&2 and 6 years between 2&3, I had my 3rd at 40.

They all adore each other and it’s fabulous, even the oldest and youngest with a 17 year age gap, they have a lovely bond.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 17:27

Notdoingthis · 26/04/2022 17:03

Why not? It's another whole person in your life and sibling for your dc for the rest of their life.

@Notdoingthis

Yeah…that could be a good or a bad thing!

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 17:28

drpet49 · 26/04/2022 17:05

I wouldn’t want my child to be an only child. Time is on your side. Absolutely have another one

@drpet49

Why not?

Xztop · 26/04/2022 17:38

I have never regretted having one child. Never will.

HelloSunshine11 · 26/04/2022 17:42

I waited a while before I felt ready to start trying for a second and ultimately, the decision was taken out of our hands with losses and secondary infertility. We decided we couldn't face the upheaval of fertility treatment and to stick with one; my boy is happy, surrounded by cousins and friends, and now has opportunities open to him that he wouldn't have had if he had a younger sibling. It's lovely and I don't think I'll regret it in the long run.

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