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Original poster

Will I regret not having another baby?

77 replies

Mydogsbetterthanyours · 26/04/2022 11:49

I know no-one can really answer this for me, but I am sick to death of thinking about this decision! I have a 4.5 y/o and I feel like I've missed the boat slightly, in terms of them being close and playing together. My partner says its up to me ultimately, but he would probably rather not. However, he says he would adore them regardless.

I am terrified I won't cope with going back to sleepless nights and that my daughter will hate/resent me for disrupting her life. I also didn't LOVE the early days, although really started enjoying it from 6 months+.

I know people say we regret the things we don't do not the things we do. I just don't know what to do. I thought I had recently made my peace with "one and done" then this morning I saw a lady who used to take her daughter to the same class as mine went to and she (who had been undecided too!) had had a new baby. When I saw her I felt like I'd been punched in the gut with envy, jealousy, fear (that I'm making the wrong decision to stick at one) - not proud of these emotions - and now I'm back at square 1!!

Help!!!!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 20:44

@aSofaNearYou

just countering the pressure and idealistic narrative that lots of women face when it comes to having children.

liveforsummer · 27/04/2022 06:57

Nelliephant1 · 26/04/2022 20:34

I'm an only child and would say without hesitation that you'll be doing your child the biggest favour imaginable if you can give him a sibling. Coincidentally I have five friends all of whom are only children and every one of them say that it didn't bother them too much as a child but a sibling is something they felt they really needed as adults. Please do it if you can.

I agree with this, although not from the perspective of an only child. I had a large age gap though and was the youngest with my older siblings 7 and 9 years older so very much felt like an only child esp as they were independent and left home young. We didn't really have that sibling relationship that closer ages have as they were off doing their own thing rather than hanging out with me since I've been old enough to really remember. As an adult though knowing they are there for both emotional and practical support during illness of grandparents and subsequent ill health of parents is something I couldn't imagine not having. I know it doesn't always work out like that but it's a consideration

MinnieMountain · 27/04/2022 07:09

We’re happy we stuck at 1. I think society drums it in to us that 2 is the ideal but it isn’t necessarily.

It's too early to tell if it will be an issue for him as an adult but I’m not close to any of my 4 siblings.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 27/04/2022 07:28

If I had my time again I would have stopped at 1 - lovely tho it is for them to have a sibling it's hard work the jump from 1-2 is huge my friend with 3 said a 3rd wasn't such a huge jump!!!!!!

Mind are 6 and 3 and so not a huge gap but enough to have some issues

Then there's the cost - childcare has been crippling us but we have no family to help

I'd think carefully but ultimately your decision

runnerswimmer · 27/04/2022 08:12

Nelliephant1 · 26/04/2022 20:34

I'm an only child and would say without hesitation that you'll be doing your child the biggest favour imaginable if you can give him a sibling. Coincidentally I have five friends all of whom are only children and every one of them say that it didn't bother them too much as a child but a sibling is something they felt they really needed as adults. Please do it if you can.

Just because you have a sibling it doesnt mean you will be best buds for life though. I have got a sister and we are totally different people (different world views, different paths in life & we were never that close growing up), she lives abroad and I am not bothered if I dont see her for years, and the feeling is mutual. We have both got on with our lives. For the sake of our parents we are cordial to each other.

I had another baby when DD1 was four, but its because I wanted another child, not purely to give DD1 a sibling. I was never desperate for another child after DD1 was born, we were content as a three but when DD1 was three I had a nagging feeling about having another child. Now seven and three, and no regrets.

DarkCorner · 27/04/2022 09:22

I honestly wouldn't worry about the age gap - go for another baby if you'd like one. I think there's a myth of a "perfect family" with exactly 2 years between each but it's not essential and depends on your individual set up and the personalities involved. I think I would have massively struggled with 2 close in age, I'm not very good at multi tasking and my older DS was pretty spirited and a rubbish sleeper!

I have a 9 year age gap. Unplanned but actually it's OK and there are upsides. older DS is really helpful and not resentful/jealous at all. He wanted a sibling for ages so really appreciates that he now has one. I make sure I get one to one with both of them so they definitely don't miss out and DS enjoys revisiting some of his younger days (softplay, certain TV programmes, days out etc). It's also quite nice for me to have a break from toddler-ness and do a film or something just with DS.

I met a woman recently who, when she found out about my DC age gap, she told me about her 8 year age gap with her sister and that they're really close and she goes to her younger sister for advice as she's so mature. So it was lovely to hear that it doesn't mean they won't be close at all (although I'm not banking on it as you can't with any siblings!).

Countdownis35 · 27/04/2022 10:07

@runnerswimmer are you and your sister close in age? I think it's a little but odd when siblings say this family dynamic takes place and then continues on into adulthood. I can understand if you are from a large family or you have a 10 year gap.. its understandable you may find it hard to relate.

I still think most siblings get along especially if there's just 2 of you. I have sisters and we are not close but that's due to a 10 year gap and 13... infact I hated when they came along! My DB and I are 2.8 years apart and closer though.

CounsellorTroi · 27/04/2022 10:24

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 20:44

@aSofaNearYou

just countering the pressure and idealistic narrative that lots of women face when it comes to having children.

Quite, and just to add fear of possible future regret isn’t a good reason to have a baby, any baby. Even if you did feel regret in the future so what? It may still not be the right choice for you now.

aSofaNearYou · 27/04/2022 10:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2022 20:44

@aSofaNearYou

just countering the pressure and idealistic narrative that lots of women face when it comes to having children.

Personally I didn't feel this pressure. I was perfectly happy to have one and enjoying the benefits of it until I began to feel that I would actually prefer to have two, due to my experience with my DDs childhood, and with my own.

I don't think all women that have more children are doing so purely because of societal pressure and they don't actually want them. Many do, I don't think it's helpful to try to tell them they actually don't, especially not purely because they don't relish the idea of the first 6 months of sleepless nights (but otherwise are feeling pretty keen.) Who would?

runnerswimmer · 27/04/2022 11:22

Countdownis35 · 27/04/2022 10:07

@runnerswimmer are you and your sister close in age? I think it's a little but odd when siblings say this family dynamic takes place and then continues on into adulthood. I can understand if you are from a large family or you have a 10 year gap.. its understandable you may find it hard to relate.

I still think most siblings get along especially if there's just 2 of you. I have sisters and we are not close but that's due to a 10 year gap and 13... infact I hated when they came along! My DB and I are 2.8 years apart and closer though.

There is three and a half years between us (I am the youngest), I mean we got on well when we were young but as we became teenagers we were not all that close. She went all alternative and I was a fairly typical teenage girl who followed the crowd. Whilst I was at Uni she went on the hippy trail travelling and then I moved to the Uk, pursued a career and live a fairly middle class life, whilst she lives a very different lifestyle and has very dffierent views to me. We have taken different paths in life and have zilch in common.

It probably hasnt helped we have lived in different continents for over a decade, otherwise maybe we would have become closer but she has her family, I have mine and I dont think either of us have felt a 'need' to have this close bond. We dont hate each other, I still visit her when I am home, ring her from time to time and see how life is. If she died tomorrow I would be obviously upset.

SexyPortugese · 27/04/2022 12:51

I know people say we regret the things we don't do not the things we do. I just don't know what to do.

These people are morons and speaking solely about their personal experience.

In my line of work I've spoken to many people who deeply regret having had their second, some people who regret their first. It's perfectly possible to regret the things you've done, and if you're at all unsure about whether you really want to have a second it's a hell of a gamble to take to go for it anyway in the hope that you'll be pleased further down the line.

Each and every child is a massive commitment that needs to be taken seriously whether it's your first or seventh, and it's great that you're thinking about it. I suspect if it was something you really wanted you'd have decided or done it by now, but either way there's no sense in rushing it. Wait until you're certain and ready. And if that comes once it's too late, then that would be sad but it's far better than having a child you don't truly want and changing your family forever in a way that you might regret.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/04/2022 12:55

I would have another for you and for your child. I say this as an only child. I never suffered as a child but I look back and wish I had had a sibling.

SexyPortugese · 27/04/2022 13:26

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/04/2022 12:55

I would have another for you and for your child. I say this as an only child. I never suffered as a child but I look back and wish I had had a sibling.

I would stick at one OP for you and your child. I say this as one of four. I always suffered as a child and I look back and wish I'd been an only.

Courante · 27/04/2022 13:33

We've happily stuck at one. I definitely went through thinking I/we should have another when they were between 2 and 8. DH would have taken a lot of convincing and he wasn't exactly a great help in the baby/toddler years and I have no family close-by...just couldn't face it/didn't feel broody enough.
With the cost of living and house prices now I am very pleased with stuck with one as we can help them financially in ways that we definitely couldn't have done with 2+. In a perfect world I would have like more but my world wasn't like that and it was the right decision for us, even though there were negatives.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 27/04/2022 14:06

Sounds like it’s tricky for you, but unless you’re 100% in then I wouldn’t. All of the people saying that you should have another as a sibling for your DC aren’t considering the fact that a second baby might be their best friend - or might unfortunately be their nemesis!

I have an only DC by choice - it was an easy decision as she was desperately wanted and I never felt broody again. But after a childhood that was marred by my four year older brother - I spent much of my time wishing I was an only child - I had no intention of possibly repeating history and inflicting a sibling like that on her!

As adults I have no contact with him and suspect he has some kind of narcissistic personality disorder. He brings nothing but stress and upset and is a thoroughly unpleasant character. He has been no help with elderly parents illnesses, dad’s death or mom’s on-going cancer treatments.

Only mentioning this because it makes me roll my eyes when people say things like “a sibling is the greatest gift you can give your child”. Erm, not always! 🤔

Treaclepie19 · 27/04/2022 14:10

There is a 5 year gap between mine (not by choice, I had a tfmr when my eldest was 3) and they do get on great.
It's been really hard though. I found the jump to two and the fact we were well out of the baby years and then thrown back into them, really hard.
So ultimately I wouldn't do it unless you're both really on board.

FolkSongSweet · 27/04/2022 14:16

I desperately wanted another child and we have a 2.5 year age gap. But it’s been really really hard on DC1 and 18 months on she’s still struggling (as am I as DC2 doesn’t sleep). I see my friends with a 3-4 year gap and it’s been so much easier. I think DC1’s quality of life would have been better with a bigger gap or possibly not even having a sibling. BUT they are only just starting to play together so we haven’t yet reaped the benefits of 2.

I think what this all adds up to is that don’t worry the gap is too big, it’s not and will actuallj bring huge plus points. If you want one then go for it, but for yourself not your child.

123ABC456 · 27/04/2022 14:16

5/6 years between mine and it was hard work and they resent/hate each other

To have two really close together or very far apart when the other is semi independent but even then in hindsight I wished if only had one

Dinoteeth · 27/04/2022 14:20

Op do you still have baby stuff, pram, cot, toys etc lying around?
Are you ready to give it all away and send DH for the snip?

If those questions fill you with horror, then try for another. Go with your heart you'll work with the age gap you have.

shas19 · 27/04/2022 14:21

I have 3. 7yrs, 4yrs and 3months. The oldest two are best friends and they love their baby sister

Squillerman · 27/04/2022 15:25

If I had my time again I’d probably have an only child. Parents of an only child just seem way more chilled out, no sibling rivalry to deal with and only one child to focus on and fund. It’s up to you but don’t feel forced to give your child a sibling, it isn’t necessary.

splishsplashsploshsplish · 27/04/2022 19:28

I had my 4DC within 6 years. They are now 13,12,8&7, and they are a very close tribe. I know I am lucky, hardly any squabbling and they all look out for each other. My eldest has additional needs and this has only made them all closer (they are more protective of him, understanding and accepting of differences. They do have a lot of empathy for others, plus he has learnt a lot through their example, walking, talking, engaging in games etc.)

That's inclusive of all the age differences. I have never heard anything negative (but well fully aware that I am just entering the teenage era). Of course I have been extremelytired, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat as it's been a great experience.

My DSis and I are 8 years apart, and have always had a great relationship. I remember Dm being pregnant, the day she was born. DP's always said that we were close, despite me leaving home at 16, and we are still close to this day.

I don't know what you want from this thread really though, peoples experience vary as PP's have demonstrated.

To me it all comes down to personalities. If you want another child, and you think that your family can welcome another person and love that person, then do it! If you don't feel logistically that you all can, then don't.

But love isn't a cake which means that more people equals a smaller fraction. Quite the opposite, in fact. Smile

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 27/04/2022 19:42

But love isn't a cake which means that more people equals a smaller fraction. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Love isn't like a cake.

Time, money, physical energy, mental energy, emotional energy and house space are all very much like a cake though.

splishsplashsploshsplish · 27/04/2022 21:06

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 27/04/2022 19:42

But love isn't a cake which means that more people equals a smaller fraction. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Love isn't like a cake.

Time, money, physical energy, mental energy, emotional energy and house space are all very much like a cake though.

Hence I said if you don't feel it is logistically possible, don't do it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 27/04/2022 22:03

Nelliephant1 · 26/04/2022 20:34

I'm an only child and would say without hesitation that you'll be doing your child the biggest favour imaginable if you can give him a sibling. Coincidentally I have five friends all of whom are only children and every one of them say that it didn't bother them too much as a child but a sibling is something they felt they really needed as adults. Please do it if you can.

This is exactly how I feel and I’m glad we had a second for this reason.