Will I regret not having another baby?

[Mydogsbetterthanyours]

I know no-one can really answer this for me, but I am sick to death of thinking about this decision! I have a 4.5 y/o and I feel like I've missed the boat slightly, in terms of them being close and playing together. My partner says its up to me ultimately, but he would probably rather not. However, he says he would adore them regardless.

I am terrified I won't cope with going back to sleepless nights and that my daughter will hate/resent me for disrupting her life. I also didn't LOVE the early days, although really started enjoying it from 6 months+.

I know people say we regret the things we don't do not the things we do. I just don't know what to do. I thought I had recently made my peace with "one and done" then this morning I saw a lady who used to take her daughter to the same class as mine went to and she (who had been undecided too!) had had a new baby. When I saw her I felt like I'd been punched in the gut with envy, jealousy, fear (that I'm making the wrong decision to stick at one) - not proud of these emotions - and now I'm back at square 1!!

Help!!!!

i have 8 yrs between my 1st and 2nd
3yrs between 2nd and 3rd
8yrs between 3rd and 4th

By the time i had got to number 2 i slept like a lizard anyway. So 3 and 4 werent a major issue and i loved my surprise maternity leave with number 4!

I’m 33 next month and had my second in December (first was 4 in Feb).

There was a short while we thought we’d ruined our oldest daughters life but that quickly passed. It is the best decision for our family but I did plan to have a baby a few months before our eldest started school so she didn’t feel replaced.

I have 8 years between 1& 2 and 8 years between 2 & 3. They are 27, 19 and 11 now and have always got on pretty well

Then add in ds4 who is 9, him and the 11 year old although much closer in age have never really played nicely together, they tend to drive each other crazy so I don't think bigger age gaps are an issue!

I have nearly 6 years between my two and I love it. My eldest was independent and not so needy by the time I had a baby again. They are now 8 and 2 and are honestly the best of friends, they play together all the time and never fight. It was absolutely the right decision for our family and I have no regrets at all!

I have an only child and given my time again I would have had another for her.

5.5 years between my two.

Going back to sleepless nights has been hard. As has never having a moment to myself. My 6 year old is somewhat independent so I've found being needed constantly difficult.

However, I have a little helper on hand and it's lovely seeing them interact.

Well, obviously only you can decide OP. Many do stick at one and many other have two or three or even more. I think this line from your OP is very telling though and possibly illuminates your true feelings: When I saw her I felt like I'd been punched in the gut with envy, jealousy, fear

Bigger age gaps are a practical issue, a 5year old and a 10year old go to different activities. Dragging an 11yr old out to a park isn’t always easy.

See, I don’t pander to my kids like that 🤷‍♀️

The 11 year old would be told to bring a book or go for a walk around.
She likes going to parks anyway

I think age gaps can be great. Anyway, it really won’t matter when they’re 27 and 32 😃

I have around 6 years between mine. I wouldn’t have wanted to have my children closer in age anyway. We paid for full time childcare each time so ideally never wanted to pay for 2 at once ( if we can help it anyway) and also we were just undecided.
The baby days of the now 3yo was complete bliss in comparison to the older one. They don’t have a lot in common but they adore each other. It was as if I had just one child when the second one came along because my eldest was so matured.
If you don’t want anymore then don’t. However was just sharing my personal experience really

I think this too. Like @TheDuchessOfMN it's not just about the childhood it's the adulthood and this is forgotten about too. The childhood years are short. 27 and 32 is nothing.

It seems like you do have strong feelings towards having another one i.e. "punched in the gut with envy". I think you do want another one, so I would just go for it. A slightly long age gap is not the end of the world. It has lots of advantages i.e. older one is at school so younger one gets one to one time and Mum gets a break while baby is asleep. Only one set of nursery fees at once. I had two under two for a while , during the first lockdown, and my god it was hard. I guess it has its advantages but I would not do it agaiñ. I have friends who had an older one at school or prèschool as well as the baby and I was a bit envious really.
I found with the sleepless nights that it was still tiring with the second one but not such a shock to the system , and I was able to cope better second time around.

See, I don’t pander to my kids like that - oh well I like to do one activity that covers both children rather than run myself ragged or drag around a miserable older child or keeping a toddler strapped down all the time.

I have 1 child & I’m happy with that but all my friends all have just 1 girl too (ages 5-6) so she has plenty of only children to play with with! I think the age gap would be fine if you decided to have another. Also having an only child is fine too, there’s so many only children around.

I don't really have an opinion but just wanted to mention a friend (female) of mine who is late 20s with a brother 13 years older. Didn't play together much as kids of course but very close now as brother has children and friend is great aunty. Always having sleepovers, nights out together etc it's very cute to see considering the age gap. Friend recently bought first house and brother was able to do most of the renovation as he is quite handy so there are different perks. Me and my own sister are 1 year apart and are like chalk and cheese. I honestly wouldn't worry about age gaps, if you want another one, have one

4.5 years between my 2 and they have a good relationship. Play together and bicker like usual siblings.

I have two sisters. One is two years younger than me, and one is 8 years younger. I really don't get on with the sister closest in age to me, but my youngest sister and I have always been best friends and super close.

So don't worry so much about age gaps, they will either get on or they won't and the age is a red herring.

In in the same situation. My son is 4.5 and starts school this year. I've spent probably the last 2 years flip flopping between wanting to have another and sticking with 1.
I struggled when he was a baby, traumatic birth and had PND and just worry about it all happening again.
I feel like I wouldn't want too much more of an age gap.
I need to draw a line and make peace in my head with having one I think. I think if I really wanted another I would have done by now. But it's making that peace and getting rid of all my sons baby stuff that I haven't managed to do yet.

@Hurstlandshome

but you should never have a child for someone else

People seem to be reading a lot into OPs statement that she felt like she’d been punched in the gut with envy when she saw someone else with a baby.

But that’s just a feeling!

What if she felt like after the second, third, fourth, fifth?? Do you just keep going??!

You don’t have to act on every feeling you have especially if you know that it’s going to affect your quality of life and OP has already said she doesn’t really want to to back to the baby stage. It could even be a hormone related feeling which are never the best to act on.

You’ve said you happy with one child Op at the age they are at you can reclaim you and your life! Enjoy your life rather than fill it with the drudge of another baby

I am in my mid-30s and have a 5 year old and an almost 6 month old. I was exactly the same as you, one and done but every so often it would come up as a maybe… then something else would come up (jobs, study etc)

When our eldest was getting ready to start school we had a big conversation about it as I was very much of the opinion that 5 years was the max age gap so if it wasn’t now it was never.

We decided to go for it, try for 6 months and if it happened then great but if nothing happened we’d stop and be happy with our eldest. Happened straight away and I did panic when I saw the positive. Thought I’d ruined my eldest’s life with a rough pregnancy and the first couple of months with a challenging baby. But we are 100% sure we made the right decision. Our second has slotted in perfectly now, it was a journey not instant but it works for us. My eldest is totally besotted - obsessed - it’s early days still really but the love they clearly have for each other (gets the biggest smiles and laughs back!) makes it all worth it.

I think if you can afford it (not being rude but it’s a big consideration) then you’d be unlikely to regret it in the medium-longer term.

The sleepless nights were brutal but it’s which a short space of time in the big picture.

You say you felt like you’d been punched in the gut with jealousy and envy when you saw your acquaintance with a new baby - that really does sound like you want another child!

I hated the baby stage with my first but loved it with my second. Totally different babies, totally different experience.

And I wouldn’t give too much headspace to age gaps. There’s 4.5 years between my husband and his brother and they have a great relationship. They aren’t super close in the sense they don’t speak daily, but they have a special bond - they both know in hard times they can depend on one another no matter what. I’m an only child and I often feel jealous of their relationship, to be honest.

You seem a bit overly keen to suggest that she should not have more children. She doesn't give the impression she definitely doesn't want another at all, it's natural to find the baby stage tiring without it meaning you don't want another!

I'm an only child and would say without hesitation that you'll be doing your child the biggest favour imaginable if you can give him a sibling. Coincidentally I have five friends all of whom are only children and every one of them say that it didn't bother them too much as a child but a sibling is something they felt they really needed as adults. Please do it if you can.

We have a 7 year gap for various reasons and it’s worked perfectly for us so far (they’re now 4 and 11)
Second time was so different - easier preg and birth and chilled out baby who slotted into our lives. If I had had him first time I would have had another sooner, but, DC1 was a nightmare baby and toddler and I hated being on Mat leave with him so couldn’t face another baby too soon.

my youngest looks up to the eldest like he’s a hero. My eldest was/is so helpful and understanding with his little bro. They don’t seem to argue and bicker as much as my friends kids who are closer in age (but maybe that will change).

everyone’s situation is different but I’m a big advocate for the age gap.