To tell my DS that he can sort his own mess out from now on

[OnYerBike2]

I have a DS currently in his first year of university. He has really struggled to settle since he started, not making many friends and falling behind on coursework. He’s bright, articulate and empathetic, but lacks confidence and social skills.
I’ve tried to help suggesting societies he could join, counselling etc, but he is just so unenthusiastic about everything. I thought things were improving but he’s back in the same situation again.
How are you supposed to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? I’m so mentally drained by it all, also coping with other stuff and just feel like washing my hands of it now. AIBU?

I’m sorry, I don’t have time to read the full thread so apologies if anyone has mentioned similar to this.

We had similar issues with my DS at university. I had tried to contact student support right at the beginning of his time there to beg them for help but they would only speak to him - even though I explained that part of his issue was that he could not bring himself to contact them.

Things came to a head partway through his second year and I rang student support and had an absolute breakdown on the phone and managed to persuade them to contact him. They also advised me to contact his GP (he also has suspected ASD) to get them to fill in a form to apply for Disabled Student Allowance. Anxiety and other mental health issues are included in this.

I think I eventually had to go over to his place and the two of us had a telephone appointment with his GP. He didn’t want to be assessed for ASD but the (lovely) GP said that she could complete the form based on his symptoms (anxiety, panic attacks, etc) rather than an actual diagnosis.

The form was then sent to student support and also the student loan people. A learning contract was then put in place to allow him to apply for automatic extensions if he needs them and the disabled student allowance pays for him to have appointments with a mentor each week to help him organise himself and keep on track. (And he’s more willing to listen to her than to me!)

The disabled student allowance isn’t paid to DS, it’s paid direct to the mentor who invoice the loan company directly.

Sorry that this is so long and rambly. I hope it is useful to you and the other pp who mentioned about a younger brother. @EddyF

www.gov.uk/disabled-students-allowance-dsa

For those who said their Dc dropped out and then restarted the next year on a different course or uni, how on earth did you manage to pay for it? I thought The Loans were a one chance only situation (Unless on a 4 year MA or one year foundation plus three year degree course) with loans for just three years for a course so that by the final year you would have to find the course fee and maintenance as you had used up 1 year of the loans on the failed course.

You get up to 4 years worth of loans for undergraduate degrees.

Loads of good advice here. Definitely ASD and ADHD are possibilities that should be looked at.

On the emotional dumping bit, my DD has possibly got ASD she has other ND diagnosis. She can be a bit of an emotional dumper and eventually it wipes me out and we end up getting snarky at one another.

A psychologist recommended no more than 20 minutes of that rant mode and after that the dynamic has to change between us. My DD has the choice after the 20 minutes (or so) of the conversation continuing in a solutions focused way or ending of she’d prefer at that time but after about 20 minutes of emoting I tell her I’m feeling drained now and I need the conversation direction to change now. It has revolutionised our interactions.

This is really used thanks. Might try that route.

This is definitely worth trying, thanks 🙂

I also hate this trite response like the moment our kids turn 18 they are immediately of no interest to us. It’s such a lazy knee jerk MN response and so pointless.

DS has just told me that he is able to have several sessions per week with his mentor if he feels he needs to. She has been fabulous at keeping him on track which helps to keep him calmer generally.

Sorry, but yes, I do think that would be U and hurtful. And it doesn't sound as though he's got himself into a mess; just that he is anxious and perhaps somewhat depressed.

Speaking as a former anxious student, and a current university teacher who has known many anxious students in my time: there is a lot in between you shouldering the full load of helping him with his problems, and washing your hands of them completely. He should be able to get some support at the university. I would assume that they have one or more members of staff responsible for pastoral care. He should try to see one of them. He should also go to the medical centre, as he may have some degree of depression or a definite anxiety disorder that might improve with treatment. Most universities also have a student counselling service, which may provide support.

I would not press him too much at this stage about joining societies; that helps some students but not all. I might remind him that, while it often appears as though all students but oneself are having a great social life, in fact very many feel isolated to varying extents, especially in the first year.

You definitely CAN advocate for him. He just needs to tell uni he gives them permission to talk to you.

I'm hoping that this may help you .. my ds has just done a temporary withdrawal from uni after failing his first year and then trying to repeat it this year. It became clear just before Easter that he was all over the place. If the student gives written permission to the head of department, they are allowed to speak to you. It was only after this conversation that we and the head of department had a full picture of what was going on. In my ds case he hadn't handed any work and was unable to access student support, student services, anything at all as it had become too overwhelming.
Student finance England provides up to 4 years funding. 3 years plus what is known as a 'gift year' Should the young person temporarily withdraw during one of those years, they can apply for a 'refund' if the temporary withdrawal was on mental health grounds. Make sure you have this evidence from either medical professionals or a letter from the university department which is on headed paper and signed and dated.
Student finance England will also allow a further 60 days of maintenance loan to be paid after the temporary withdrawal, again providing the student has cited 'compelling personal reasons' Do make sure that the student checks dates etc properly if they wish to go down this route as they can end up paying tuition fees etc simply because the payment date is close (my son had to be complete his temporary withdrawal by April 1st as this coming terms tuition fees were meant to be paid on April 2nd.
There's no problem with doing a temporary withdrawal, they can take some time out and reassess where they are, far better than sitting in a room wondering how to cope. My ds is looking to return in 2024 as his uni allows 2 years suspension.
It does require you to be persistent with the uni because they have computer systems that don't talk to each other, as an example my ds received an email stating he owed £2000 for accomodation and it turned out someone in finance hadn't pressed the button!
All the best to your ds, if he does want to stay then he needs to access student support very quickly other wise he risks falling further behind and the mountain will start to feel too large to climb over.

From my perspectives, you have to have the want and drive to succeed, otherwise you'll not achieve your main objectives.

Spoken by someone who clearly has no understanding of anxiety and depression.

To this saying he's a grown up and leave him to it, did you know that the adult brain is not fully developed until age 25?

16-25 is an incredibly difficult period for so many young people. They've spent most of their lives at school, where they have had a set routine, familiar faces around them and the security of knowing what is expected of them. Then suddenly they're released into the world told that they're adults and are expected to just get on with it! They move away from home to an unfamiliar city, away from family and friends. They have to get to know new people, get used to cooking for themselves and washing their own clothes, manage a tight budget. They have a heavy workload from their course that they need to keep on top of, and then there's the expectancy that these are meant to be the 'best years of your life' and you should be out all the time socialising and having a wonderful time!

Now add into the mix the pandemic and the fact that young people will have spent the last two years away from their peers, studying at home. Is it any wonder so many are struggling?

OP, my DS decided to drop out of university last year as he just couldn't cope. Like you son, we believe he may well have ASD and we're waiting for an assessment. You sound like a great Mum, and I can really empathise with what you're saying about feeling like nothing you day helps. I think that all you can do is just continue to be there and listen.

My highly academic, organised, socially able, independent high flyer crashed in the first year of university. It was a shock to everyone. Unable to complete work set, unable to attend lectures due to social anxiety. After years of family and mental health support, repeating years and deferment they achieved a First. Since graduating they have been diagnosed with combined type ADHD, suddenly events make more sense, it was more of an achievement to finish university than anyone realised. Pls support your son, universities have overhauled their mental health support provisions as the need has greatly increased. I wish I had understood how bad the situation was earlier, it wasn't just normal settling in. Linking to a BMC article highlighting tendencies, click through to the main report. Every best wish.

bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-022-03898-z

Early on we agreed as a family that it would be sensible and helpful to be able to speak to Drs, University, Student Finance on behalf of our overwhelmed 18yo. Permission was easy to give and this allowed us to help without causing more pressure as problems built up.