To tell my DS that he can sort his own mess out from now on

[OnYerBike2]

I have a DS currently in his first year of university. He has really struggled to settle since he started, not making many friends and falling behind on coursework. He’s bright, articulate and empathetic, but lacks confidence and social skills.
I’ve tried to help suggesting societies he could join, counselling etc, but he is just so unenthusiastic about everything. I thought things were improving but he’s back in the same situation again.
How are you supposed to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? I’m so mentally drained by it all, also coping with other stuff and just feel like washing my hands of it now. AIBU?

I don't care how old my child is I will be there for them even if its just to listen.

Does he enjoy university, his course? My son started last year and the thought of him miserable and thinking it was a mistake would upset me so much.

If he needs to come home offer that to him. Start again do something else. Maybe he doesn't know how to help himself. Definitely get him to talk to his Uni support.

It’s difficult. If he struggles socially then joining a society may seem overwhelming for him.

What is he interested in or what did he used to do in his spare time?

Is he close enough for a visit? Do you have a dog he misses? Is he struggling with basics like cooking?

I would keep listening in your position. He may not be talking to many people IRL. If he gets online to communicate with random people, this can sometimes be more negative (eg anorexics who encourage each other).

does he have a GF that he misses? Or friends he misses?

if it is really bad, could he change university?

As I mention in another post of mine, that's all very well, but the whole point is that people with a mental health condition such as social anxiety genuinely can't sort themselves out.

Think of it as being like a wheelchair-user faced with a closed door and a sign which tells them to ring the bell for assistance. The bell is too high up for someone in a wheelchair to be able to reach it. So the reason they need help in the first place is the very same reason that is preventing them from getting the help they need.

My dd really struggled. I wish I had listened more tbh. Esp bearing in mind she was just 18. She left school where she had a core of 6 good friends and really just didn't seem to fall in with like minded people. I would say don't give up. Help him focus on the work instead and make sure he passes the year. Take the pressure off finding friends and stuff. Dd did a house share for year 2 which was OK and then moved back to halls for year 3.

Has he always had trouble with organisation and social skills? Could he be on a spectrum abs need extra support from his uni?

Does he actually want to be there? University isn't the be all and end all. My partner was miserable at university and dropped out in his final year. He got a job instead and worked his way up to a level he enjoys. That was the right decision for him in the long run.

I also hated uni but had an end goal so I knew it would be worth it in the end and stuck it out.

In your situation I would be supportive if he wants to vent, but not take over organising tuition etc. Ultimately that is up to him.

Thanks everyone, particularly those who have given practical support or have experience of this. Both his dad and I are university graduates too, so familiar with all this to an extent, however that was 30 years ago.

Covid has really dented peoples confidence and social skills so have a bit of sympathy but be firm but fair xx

Also yes, he has contacted the university about counselling but isn’t following up to arrange dates, same for the tutor, student services or his new GP. Bottom line is that he is an adult and I can’t do this for him.
I wasn’t aware that parents can get involved with referral for social anxiety. Worth looking in to.

Sorry misunderstood that. I see that parents can’t advocate for them 😣

Eddy F I'd say your youngest brother is ticking boxes for ASD there. I could imagine my son (with ASD) doing the same.

You can ask if if he would let the uni talk to you. If he sends an email that should get the ball rolling.

I really hate this shitty "18 is an adult" bollocks. There is not a parenting switch which is flicked to the off position at midnight on a child's 18th birthday. This attitude that young people who are just 18 must completely fend for themselves with zero input from parents is just so alien to me.

@OnYerBike2 I totally hear you. I have a son of a similar age who is just coming to the end of his first year at Uni. These last two years have just been awful with disrupted schooling through the pandemic, and this year he has been in university for laboratories SIX TIMES IN TOTAL since October. Everything else is on line. All lectures, all tutorials. They have been dealt a very shitty stick and your boy is not the only one struggling. Mine is too. Also very much agree that their normal teenage development has just not happened as the world was shut down for 2 years.

It is true that the drive to get help has to come from them and not from you as a parent. My son had an assessment for DCD (development coordination delay - dyspraxia) just before Christmas so that Uni could put measures in place for him such as doing exams on laptops and extra help with organising himself. We had to pay for this privately as the NHS waiting list is impossible and the Uni can't diagnose, only act on the diagnosis given. If you're anywhere near Glasgow i'd happily recommend the people we used who assess for all manner of difficulties. I sat in on the assessment at DS's request and it was really helpful as the psychologist was asking him things like how good he was at remembering appointments and DS was assuring her that yes he was awesome at it - she saw my face said otherwise. After he got his diagnosis that opened doors. He had a needs assessment at Uni and has access to all sorts of software for time management, mind mapping, reminders, project management - not all of which he'll use, but the tools are there to help him.

The other thing which helps DS a lot is a wee part time job. He volunteers one morning a week in a charity shop which he loves, and has a summer part-time job set up doing admin and sorting the post in a local business. Something routine, with set rules and processes and which he knows he can do well has worked wonders for his confidence.

Good luck to you both.

Sounds like my DS too.. he stayed until Xmas of his 2nd year. He hated student halls, hated the lectures. Made one friend there. He has school friends from year 7 so it surprised me hi only made one friend.
he Did try but before the xmas I said if he didn’t want to be there then come home but he had to get a job or an apprenticeship. He came home and has worked ever since, even left home late last year. I honestly think if I’d not said come home his MH would have suffered

maybe Uni just isn’t for your son.

I feel schools on and on about Uni and for some it’s just not for them.

I see OP that your son also is going to be assessed for ASD. Of course he needs support, as much as you can give him, this age is so hard for anyone with autism especially as emotionally they can be quite behind. It sounds like he struggles with executive function (organisation of work etc) which is typical of ASD, and the social anxiety and general anxiety are typical. Telling him to join a club is really not going to help him.

I think socially you have to just let him get on with it, and if that means not socialising then that's fine - but I think it might be helpful to tell him that it's fine for him to spend most of his time alone rather than trying to make him be sociable. He probably thinks he should be sociable and that may be why he's unhappy - because he feels different. Reassure him that it's fine for him not to want to socialise much and could he use that time to break his work down into small manageable chunks and plan when he is going to do each bit. Often the thought of starting something when you have ASD is so overwhelming you just never start - but if you break it down into smaller chunks and get started on a chunk then you get into it and it's actually fine.

Give him loads of love and understanding OP - he really needs it, and remember that things that would work for others might not work for him.

My DS struggled in his 1st year at Uni. He dropped out. He decided he still wanted to do a degree (in a different subject) but took a year out, got a job in retail and reapplied for a year later. He grew in confidence so much in that year he was back home and working. He went on to complete his degree in his new chosen subject and then a masters the following year - living away in a city 3 hours away. Incidentally my DS has an ASD diagnosis.

Maybe your DS is just not ready for Uni life and dropping out and finding a job will be the making of him. If he gets an ASD diagnosis it will unlock some support for him should he reapply to Uni at a later date.

I could have been your son OP. Whilst bright and capable I felt completely out of my depth at Uni, dropping behind in my studies, crippled by anxiety caused by undiagnosed autism.
I couldn’t organise myself and I spiralled out of control. I really needed an adult to tell me it was ok to change my mind and maybe Uni wasn’t for me but I felt like I was letting every down down by quitting.
Maybe your your DS needs “permission” to leave. Give him options - leave and get a job, maybe go back to Uni when he’s older. Perhaps he’d be better staying at home and studying if he doesn’t want to leave Uni completely. Could he move his place to a Uni closer to home where you could help with organisation?

Ds2 is Y2 Uni. His 1st year was a bit of a nightmare, mainly due to COVID restrictions.

I found what helped was to ask if he was looking for advice/solutions or just wanted to talk about it.

he generally wanted a bit of both, but brain storming really helped, ie maybe just talk to one new person on your course or on your floor? Is it the right course/Uni?

Who will he be sharing with next Academic Year?

ds2 is quite ‘quirky’, he’s not a big fan of alcohol, prefers to drink milk, doesn’t really do group sports or activities (he goes to the gym) etc, sometimes it can be difficult just not fitting in to others expectations.

motivation can also be very difficult, especially work planning and timetabling.

what does he think would help him?

It’s difficult. If he struggles socially then joining a society may seem overwhelming for him.

What is he interested in or what did he used to do in his spare time?

Is he close enough for a visit? Do you have a dog he misses? Is he struggling with basics like cooking?

I would keep listening in your position. He may not be talking to many people IRL. If he gets online to communicate with random people, this can sometimes be more negative (eg anorexics who encourage each other).

does he have a GF that he misses? Or friends he misses?

if it is really bad, could he change university?

This just made me cry. I’ve realised that I’ve probably been going about this all wrong. You’re right, maybe just telling him that it’s ok to want to spend most of your time on your own. I thought him being on his own was the reason he wasn’t happy but it could be because he thinks he has to be sociable when he would rather not be.

Hi OP. I was that university student, but this is now 35 years ago, I kept it bottled up and masked it very well and, although I struggled through and just about graduated with a (mediocre) degree, it took me decades to get over what was a very scarring experience. I couldn't talk to my parents (who were just so proud of their 'clever daughter' for 'getting in') and there wasn't much support within the university. Basically, I didn't have the organisational and study skills necessary to manage the enormous workload, and I masked my lack of social skills and unhappiness with workaholism, binge drinking, binge eating, chain-smoking and casual sex. Not recommended!

So I would urge you not to give up, frustrating though it is. If your son is making appointments with the various sources of assistance (academic tutors, GP, counselling services, study skills if this exists) but failing to follow through, can you go and stay for a few days and sort of chivy him along to the appointments? Meet up afterwards for a nice lunch/dinner? Can he be persuaded to engage with the careers service, so that he has a goal, (or at least thoughts about)for his studies/life after university?

Two very practical things - routine (same time rising, exercise - which is very important for regulating mood - getting his laundry done, cleaning his room) and a book I came across fairly recently "How to be a Straight A student". It has lots of good advice on study skills.

If it turns out that this is not the right course/place for him, he will be able to talk to you and the university support network about that, and be in a better position to change tack in a planned, rather than a panicked, way. And if it is the right place and course, and he's just taking a bit of time to find his feet, the experience he gains in overcoming difficulties will boost his confidence. I think what was the worse thing for me was feeling I had no choice but to keep going on this path to the bitter end, even though I knew I was underperforming and couldn't pull it around.

The adolescent brain goes on until about 25, apparently (oh joy!) and some young adults need a lot of help and advice to reach their potential.

I would suggest you do not 'wash your hands' of his problems. My thoughts are...does he have accommodation/house share for next year and therefore the start of a plan. He needs to get a grasp on the course - does he need extra support? Be ready for him to have to tackle summer resubmissions if he is falling behind.. He will only have a few weeks left. I would let him finish and then once he his home you can talk and come up with a plan. At least he is talking to you - keep listening.

And although 18 is officially an adult, lots of 18 year olds are still kids.

Have you had an empathy bypass @LuckySantangelo35?

The OP's DS has anxiety and depression and is being assessed for ASD. Or would you rather he was thrown to the sharks?

One of mine had a first year like this. At this time of year they dropped the course, came home and worked till September and went back on a different course. Apart from a broken heart at one point (happens to most of us) the next 3 years were great.

I think I had PTSD from the first year phone calls and that isn't an exaggeration.

I hope he is OK, it is a terrible worry and I don't think people understand if they haven't been in your position. A change of course might be just what he needs.