To tell my DS that he can sort his own mess out from now on

[OnYerBike2]

I have a DS currently in his first year of university. He has really struggled to settle since he started, not making many friends and falling behind on coursework. He’s bright, articulate and empathetic, but lacks confidence and social skills.
I’ve tried to help suggesting societies he could join, counselling etc, but he is just so unenthusiastic about everything. I thought things were improving but he’s back in the same situation again.
How are you supposed to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? I’m so mentally drained by it all, also coping with other stuff and just feel like washing my hands of it now. AIBU?

Yes I’ve suggested a job as well not just to earn but for the social side

@sillysmiles He wanted to go, then wasn’t sure after he got there, now says he does definitely want University even though it means changing courses

Why do you feel like you should ‘fix’ him?

Because he is her son. You don't stop worrying about your DC once they reach 18. DD is 21, and is gearing up for a dissertation presentation and final exams. Of course I worry about her, and I know I will get a few tearful phone calls from her. I can't fix anything for her, but I can be a listening ear.

It strikes me that the OP's son is really struggling mentally at university. He needs to contact his personal tutor and maybe get a PEC in place.

Has he been assessed for ASD or ADHD?

Food for thought @Sweepingeyelashes
He isn’t finding the work difficult he says it’s the motivation and his organisational
skills. He recognises that he needs to do better but doesn’t know how to IYSWIM

I kind of expect my dd to be the same when she starts uni, she tends to think things will just land in her lap and she won’t have to put herself out to meet people. At the moment she excited about joining groups etc…but I can’t see her making much effort. My dd is on the spectrum but is sociable when she has friends, its taken her most of her school life to get a group of nice friends and now she’s about to leave and start all over again. I think many teens just lack the effort involved to join things and make friends, it’s pretty easy to stay in your room and not join in.

And for those saying ‘he’s an adult’, it doesn’t stop parents worrying just because there child has turned 18, yes it means we get less control over what they do but we are still here to offer advice and to guide them if the need it.

@OnYerBike2

Am I correct in thinking he ended his high school years in Covid? If so, that really is an exceptional set of circumstances.

Agree with PP that you need to help him mind map and create structure etc

I know many PP are saying that he may just be introverted and that’s not a problem. However he isn’t happy and has admitted that he has social anxiety, I also think he may be depressed, hence the counselling suggestion. I’m not “interfering” for the sake of it, I’m trying to help.

Dd has a support worker and a counsellor at university, the support worker keeps her organised and motivated, she meets with her fortnightly to his through assignments, struggles etc

Universities are normally quite good at helping with this stuff - he should be able to access lots of study skills resources to make things easier. The uni I work with occasionally has a study support service, which I see includes help with study skills, how to plan your work in independent learning, finding and using information, planning your work, etc.

He should contact student support and find out what’s available. These first couple of terms are hard for everyone, not least academically when you’re finding your feet and having to take responsibility for planning and delivering work, and have control of your own learning for the first time. He will get there, though, if he takes advantage of the help on offer, starting with talking to his personal tutor, and getting in touch with student support.

And for those saying ‘he’s an adult’, it doesn’t stop parents worrying just because there child has turned 18, yes it means we get less control over what they do but we are still here to offer advice and to guide them if the need it.

I suspect that those parents don't have older teenagers/adult DC, or their older children have never given them any cause for concern, or they just stop caring about them when they reach 18 because their DC magically turn into mature responsible adults at one minute past midnight on their 18th birthdays.

Those of us with empathy still worry about our DC no matter how old they are.

Let’s hope so. It just seems like a waste of so much potential!

So is the OP expected to pay to keep this DS for the rest of his life?

My nephew is behaving like this and his parents are trying to talk to him but he immediately gets triggered by any conversation. he is basically expecting them to pay his way for ......who knows?

I was under no illusion growing up that I would have to pay my way once out of FT education. There is no way my Dad would have paid to keep me if I could go out and earn.

True
I think that degree apprenticeships are the way to go tbh. No debt and work experience.
Op, as others have suggested, it may be that your ds doesn’t actually want to be at university. This should be considered
Also, the first year at university can be extremely difficult for those who have not spent time away from home.
The thing is that your ds needs some assistance. I know it can be frustrating , but please don’t give up on him.
He really needs to speak/ email his tutors to see if there is any help they can give him.

I'd say (as this sounds a touch familiar):

1. Could be anxiety or depression
2. Her should speak to his tutor or student support, they may be able to sign him to someone who can give advice and guidance on how to study & how to write coursework.

I was an introvert who'd always coasted and never learnt to study independently, university came as a shock. Then due to an incident with a friend I had a breakdown.

My tutors and student support were very helpful and got me through with a 2:1.

Have you asked him what he wants? what can he do to change things? think you perhaps need to coach him to come up with his own solutions rather than impose your own ideas.

It is the pits trying to support a dc with social anxiety through a degree course. The university WILL NOT discuss, support or assist the parents in any way whatsoever as the student is deemed an adult who can ask for help themselves. What passes the authority by is the very fact that someone with social anxiety can't ask for the support they need, because they have social anxiety. And they do therefore need someone such as a parent to advocate for them.

So they are caught between a rock and a hard place. Their parents aren't allowed to help, and the university won't help unless the student asks for it, and the very nature of their social anxiety means that they can't bloody ask!!!

(I've been there, can you tell?).

The whole system for supporting students with anxiety is a bloody mess.

Thank you. He’s on the waiting list for an adult ASD adult assessment now. I don’t understand why we are supposed to cut loose our kids as soon as they turn 18. I can’t book gp/tutor appointments for him, he needs to do that, but I can offer my support and guidance.

She can give advise and guidance sure but it sounds like she’s already done all of that hence is so exhausted and drained by him.

Ultimately he is an adult and it is up to him whether or not he takes on the advice and helps himself. If he doesn’t and leaves uni then it’s not a case of he can just come to live with his mum and be financed as if he were a child.

Controversial opinion on mumsnet I know as we are supposed to cosset our offspring until there in there forties or beyond on here!

What passes the authority by is the very fact that someone with social anxiety can't ask for the support they need, because they have social anxiety. And they do therefore need someone such as a parent to advocate for them.

Spot on @chisanunian

Has he ever been tested for ADHD? I'm just wondering since you said he's struggling with motivation and organisation - and depression/anxiety/self-esteem issues can definitely run alongside this. (I was diagnosed with ADHD during my placement year at uni, after my supervisor recognised the signs - and I had all of the above issues).

Either way, it sounds like he needs support. In your shoes, I'd ask him how you can help - i.e. just to talk, to offer suggestions, etc. Most of all, he probably wants to feel loved and cared about, more than anything. Do you validate him and empathise and really listen to him? Or do you find yourself jumping to solutions because you don't know what to say on the emotional front?

In terms of getting him some help, I'd suggest something like him going to chat to someone at the Student Union - they usually have guidance people there. For him to just join social groups or seek a counsellor probably feels daunting and overwhelming - whereas if he just chats to someone informally at the SU, they might be able to connect with him and help to steer him to the places that could help him?

Sorry, just saw that he's on the waiting list for ASD assessment :)

I remember being at uni and just wanting someone familiar to moan to and get some sympathy when I was feeling sorry for myself. My mother would always try and 'fix' my problems too and become overbearing. All I wanted was a 'oh gosh that sounds tough, you poor thing'

Have you tried asking him "what is it you'd like from me? help finding solutions or a listening ear and sympathy?"

Those sound like symptoms of depression, and the university has resources to help. If you can, persuade him to contact them. If he doesnt( which could also indicate depression), then contact his university tutor to alert him that your son is struggling.

Many students struggle to adjust in first year; it's not unusual and he won't be the only one.

Yes, I think lockdown and Covid restrictions didn’t help with his and many teenagers development.