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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DS that he can sort his own mess out from now on

92 replies

OnYerBike2 · 25/04/2022 14:30

I have a DS currently in his first year of university. He has really struggled to settle since he started, not making many friends and falling behind on coursework. He’s bright, articulate and empathetic, but lacks confidence and social skills.
I’ve tried to help suggesting societies he could join, counselling etc, but he is just so unenthusiastic about everything. I thought things were improving but he’s back in the same situation again.
How are you supposed to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves? I’m so mentally drained by it all, also coping with other stuff and just feel like washing my hands of it now. AIBU?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/04/2022 14:32

Maybe he just is an introvert or a bit of a loner. If he doesn't want to socialise much then suggesting groups or societies isn't going to help. Does he live at home?

Mumdiva99 · 25/04/2022 14:35

I'm not sure you can help someone that doesn't want help.
You might need a broke record phrase if he starts moaning about his situation "I've offered you strategies and you aren't interested in trying my suggestions." Or similar.
Or maybe he just wants to vent....in which case can you do something else while you talk to him on the phone....e.g. the washing up or the ironing....with a 'yes dear' 'no dear' every so often.

My final suggestion is to tell him to get a part time job. He might meet more people that way, build his social skills and self esteem.

sillysmiles · 25/04/2022 14:38

Does he want to be in university? IS he asking for your help or just looking for your empathy?

Sweepingeyelashes · 25/04/2022 14:53

I think the most important part is he has fallen behind on his course work. I would sit down with him - virtually if necessary - and go over what needs to be done and help him make a plan to catch up. He might be helped by some tutoring if he is finding the work difficult. My eldest had a dreadful first year struggled with the work. We were there for him and we paid for tutoring and he scraped through with disappointing marks. He's now in medical school so obviously he improved. There is a big leap in the work from school to university and much less structure. Gaps in study skills become much more evident. I don't think a part-time job should even be a consideration till he has caught up with his work.

My last year at university was my worst - I was graduating . I don't know to this day what happened but I fell behind on my studying. I just couldn't motivate myself. Eventually sheer fear kicked in. I had to cram through the night for the exam the next day. I was terrified that I'd fall asleep at my deak and fail the exam. My mum did not point out that it was my mess to clean up. She sat up with me for most of the night plying me with coffee and making sure I was awake. I passed. I could never thank her enough for doing that.

Soultrader · 25/04/2022 14:54

He's an adult. Why are you getting involved in his social life?

SmolCat · 25/04/2022 14:56

Why do you feel like you should ‘fix’ him? Maybe this is just how he is at the moment. He potentially sounds depressed, or maybe he is a bit of a recluse who gets overwhelmed. Either way it’s not up to you to sort it. Listening to him and sympathising can be just as helpful as trying to find a ‘solution’. Next time he vents to you ask him “do you want me to suggest help or do you want me to listen? I’m here for you either way.”

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/04/2022 14:57

He's a grown up. Now is the time (barring life-threatening things) you let him bugger things up and learn. In fact, that was a while ago but you still seem involved.

FWIW my mum used to try this with my brother. He didn't particularly want a lot of friends.

TigerLilyTail · 25/04/2022 14:57

sillysmiles · 25/04/2022 14:38

Does he want to be in university? IS he asking for your help or just looking for your empathy?

This was my thought too!

Maybe he's just talking to you not actually looking for solutions.

SexyPortugese · 25/04/2022 14:57

As you've identified, you can't help someone who isn't able or willing to help themselves. Sounds like you've been there for him and offered suggestions but as he's an adult there's very little else he can do.

Rest assured, this is what it's like for a lot of people going to uni and living away from home for the first time. This is a valuable stage in his development and in developing self-efficacy and a sense of independence. Trying to encroach even further and manage/direct his life any more closely would be robbing him of his sense of agency and opportunity to develop problem solving and coping skills.

Let him know you're there if he needs you or needs to talk, and put some trust in him to decide on his next steps.

zafferana · 25/04/2022 15:00

I think a lot of students struggle to adapt to uni and the way that everything is up to you - from getting up for your lectures, to handing stuff in, possibly juggling work with studies, and making new friends. You don't have your parents there (typically) to make sure you're up and that you're on top of your work and most uni tutors are pretty hands off and rely on you to go to them if you're in a pickle - or that was certainly the case when I was at uni.

I think I'd be less worried about the social stuff, tbh, and more worried that he's fallen behind when presumably summer exams are coming up. Why hasn't he done his coursework? Is his tutor in the picture? Is he motivated to catch up? Is he likely to pass the year or fail and end up either having to resit or drop out? This is serious - far more so than whether he's joined the debating society or taken up badminton.

EddyF · 25/04/2022 15:05

Sweepingeyelashes · 25/04/2022 14:53

I think the most important part is he has fallen behind on his course work. I would sit down with him - virtually if necessary - and go over what needs to be done and help him make a plan to catch up. He might be helped by some tutoring if he is finding the work difficult. My eldest had a dreadful first year struggled with the work. We were there for him and we paid for tutoring and he scraped through with disappointing marks. He's now in medical school so obviously he improved. There is a big leap in the work from school to university and much less structure. Gaps in study skills become much more evident. I don't think a part-time job should even be a consideration till he has caught up with his work.

My last year at university was my worst - I was graduating . I don't know to this day what happened but I fell behind on my studying. I just couldn't motivate myself. Eventually sheer fear kicked in. I had to cram through the night for the exam the next day. I was terrified that I'd fall asleep at my deak and fail the exam. My mum did not point out that it was my mess to clean up. She sat up with me for most of the night plying me with coffee and making sure I was awake. I passed. I could never thank her enough for doing that.

This is so encouraging to hear. OP, my youngest brother is EXACTLY the same as your brother and it brings the family nothing but worries. He is super intelligent but lacks social skills/has anxiety and is all over the place. My uncle offered him an opportunity abroad to take some time out etc and he didn’t even reply!

Hopefully it will get better for us.

EddyF · 25/04/2022 15:06

I meant your son, OP.

Oblomov22 · 25/04/2022 15:07

You can take a horse to water.... has he emailed tutor? If he emails at least there is a paper trail.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 25/04/2022 15:08

So... what is it you/he wants to change?

He is not the party type, he is more introverted, quiet.

He needs to be supported to focus more on getting himself into a good academic routine than going out and finding friends, perhaps!

I am reading between your lines @OnYerBike2 and asuming that there is more to it, good luck!

EddyF · 25/04/2022 15:08

Soultrader · 25/04/2022 14:54

He's an adult. Why are you getting involved in his social life?

I hate when people come out with this. You do not stop caring for your child/family member just because they are now an adult. We all know some young adults struggle with lots of things. Any parent would worry if their child found it difficult socialising even at 40. It’s human nature.

BeerLoas · 25/04/2022 15:10

First year at Uni is challenging for lots of people, including extroverts who love to socialise. I can hear this is draining for you but I think you need to assist him with another conversation before the “this is for you to solve now”. There is a lot of help available to him via Uni if he asks for it, they are v aware of this situation. You need to ask him if he wants to be there, how he can pragmatically seek support etc. From that conversation you’ll both hopefully have a plan of what’s next.

Bagelsandbrie · 25/04/2022 15:11

Maybe he’s looking to you to say that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to stay at university?

palmplantcirca1980s · 25/04/2022 15:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hankunamatata · 25/04/2022 15:15

I think all you can do is support. You cant fix his course work or offer solutions. Keep communication open, be there for him, be an ear.

Georgeskitchen · 25/04/2022 15:22

Does he actually want to be at uni? I feel nowadays that some young people are railroaded into it. Running up huge debts to gain useless degrees. Sometimes learning a trade is the way to go.
University isnt for everyone!!

lanthanum · 25/04/2022 15:26

So the problem is he keeps ringing you and saying the same things?
Perhaps try "I'm all out of suggestions. Why don't you try one of the suggestions I made last week, and then next weekend you can tell me how it went. If it went badly, we'll know that's no use, and if we can work out why, that might give us another idea. If it's okay but not 100% successful, we can try to work out how to make it work better next time."

Do encourage him to make use of support services at the uni - it's not an admission of failure, and they will have loads of experience of supporting youngsters like him.

OnlyTheBravest · 25/04/2022 15:27

This is a tough one. The dream of university is sold that it will be a non stop partyfest following freshers week. Reality is that it maybe a lot harder, especially if you are naturally inverted. Friends are harder to make as more people retain previous friendships due to the advancement in social media.

University is not like 6th form with a form tutor looking out for you. Sometimes, it must feel that you are just a number.

A lot of Dc need support in the first year of uni they are not as streetwise/mentally strong as they think they are or society thinks they should be.

YANBU for wanting your ds to motivate himself but maybe you both need to have a honest conversation about what the problem really is.

anniegun · 25/04/2022 15:32

The move to University is a real problem for many young people. It can trigger depression and worse. Try and get him to access the University support and counselling services. Do not give up on him. Depression is a difficult disease for those around him but who can he rely on if not his Mum

Original poster
OnYerBike2 · 25/04/2022 15:32

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/04/2022 14:32

Maybe he just is an introvert or a bit of a loner. If he doesn't want to socialise much then suggesting groups or societies isn't going to help. Does he live at home?

No he doesn’t. He gets on well with one flatmate but that’s about it. I know he isn’t an extrovert and if he was happy then it wouldn’t be a problem, but he isn’t

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 25/04/2022 15:33

He's an adult. Why are you getting involved in his social life?

Haha! I forgot the MN offspring rule, as soon as they’re 18, you cut them adrift!