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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go to my parents after an argument?

78 replies

ChantalO · 25/04/2022 13:07

Hi just some advice please and I’m sorry for the long essay.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we don’t have kids yet; I’m 28 and he’s 30. We had an argument 3days ago which was his fault and we haven’t spoken since then although we’ve cooked, gone food shopping etc together without speaking to each other unless we have to. When we argue we’re usually both good at sitting down and communicating and resolving issues, either he calls for the discussion or I do but I’ve noticed that of late he may notice I’m upset about something that he’s done and won’t apologise or ask to speak about it so that we understand each other’s view, and then I just end up letting let it go. I chose to sleep in the guest room for the past 2 nights because I needed to play music to sleep as I’ve been quite upset and I know he needs silence to sleep.

There are things I want to discuss with him but I’m more upset because he’s not tried to sort things out or apologise, we both love and care for each other but I think he has a lot of growing up to do, he knows he’s upset me but won’t try to resolve it I just don’t understand?

To make it worse, we were meant to attend his cousin’s house warming yesterday and we didn’t go but he’s ended up telling his family that I wasn’t feeling 100% to attend , in order prevent them knowing we’ve argued, and I’ve had them texting me to just check I’m okay, yet he’s not asked if I’m okay which I think is silly.

Anyway I’m tired of sitting in a room 24/7 all by myself and I’ve been feeling quite low and lonely, I’m thinking of going to visit my parents and siblings for a few days into the bank holiday, I spoke to my Dad this morning and told him I might come to visit as I usually do, and also WFH obviously not going to discuss anything with them as we don’t believe in discussing our marital issues with family and I just don’t like how I’m feeling atm.

I’m not packing out or anything like that and I don’t want my husband to think that, but I don’t want to be the one to sit down to ask him why he’s acted the way he did and all the other things he’s done which I told him previously I wasn’t happy with.
I think he's acting childish and showing lack of emotional empathy and I don’t want to encourage his behaviour or am I the one being childish? and is going home childish?

Thanks

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 25/04/2022 13:10

How often are these arguments?

I'd go "home" and seriously consider whether you want to return to hin

MsMarch · 25/04/2022 13:12

So what is happening here? He's done something that you think isn't okay, and instead of apologising, he's not talking to you in the hope that you will eventually let it go? However, in this instance, you are NOT letting it go and so now you are both not talking to each other?

I think you have a fairly significant problem here. Without knowing what the issue is it's hard to judge. If it's a significant thing where he has really behaved very badly, I'd be very concerned about your previous pattern whereby he just waits for you to "get over it."

If it's actually something quite silly and now you're both being stubborn, I'd say that you need to work on your communication and arguing style.

Personally, I'd be attempting to talk to him. tell him what it is you need. If he can't or won't give that to you, then you have to consider what that means for your feelings for him and your relationship. Can you let it go? Should you let it go? Only you can answer those questions.

Going to your parents does rather shout that you're not willing to sort it out. Him letting you go to your parents suggests the same.

theremustonlybeone · 25/04/2022 13:12

Go away to your parents and use the time to reflect on your marriage. Silent treatment is abusive. Allowing your argument to affect attending a wedding is a disgrace. Weddings are expensive , he could have gone but has used you as an excuse is a shitty thing to do too. it doesnt sound healthy

crispsandwichlife · 25/04/2022 13:15

A relationship shouldn’t be this hard….

How can you go food shopping without taking? Misses the point

saggyhairyass · 25/04/2022 13:18

If you can WFH and stay with your DParents I would absolutely go andnot go back.

BUT if you go back consider getting to a relationship counsellor.

custardbear · 25/04/2022 13:18

I'm 50 need with DH 27 years and we've never had this type of situation.
I'd ask you to reflect on why you both can't talk it out now, days after it's happened.
If he used to do this but won't now, why is that?
Does he want to continue with your relationship, do you?
Can you see yourself with him in 6
Months, 6 years, 60 years or are you going 'home' to run away and stay away?

Communication is how relationships work so I'd be suggesting you talk and Find out what's wrong

Original poster

ChantalO · 25/04/2022 13:46

Thanks for all the responses so far, I guess to make things clearer. We were meant to go to the event on the Sunday just for the day, on Thursday he suggested going to London on Friday where his family and event are based, as one of his mates who was also preparing for a race challenge wanted to run on Friday and Saturday as the weather would be good , I declined as I had other things to do and asked if he could schedule a different weekend when he could go home and do it, plan was to drive to London and back same day. He left on Thursday after work to go to London and returned about 20 minutes into his journey, obviously upset and when he got home basically said the reason I didn’t want to come was cos I didn’t want to stay at his parents and if we were staying at a friends I wouldn’t have had an issue, which wasn’t the case. I was upset because he was going to leave me knowing that for a while I’ve not been able to go out and socialise due to us both moving and I wanted to attend the event as some of my friends were going to be there and I was looking forward to it and even bought a new outfit, could he not have just rescheduled? I just felt when he wasn’t considerate that I may not want to spend 2 nights away from home when he could easily do another weekend and there were other things regarding family dynamics which we needed to harsh out as they’ve been a point for a while. Not sure if it’s all silly and I’m over reacting?

I don’t want to create an habit of running home but I don’t get why he’s so head strong about it. I understand how he feels about running etc but it’s not like I’m making him miss the actual race.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChantalO · 25/04/2022 13:48

OP posts:

unfortunateevents · 25/04/2022 13:56

Well we only have your word for it that he is in the wrong here and that he doesn't apologise for "things that he has done". From what you have written here, it just sounds like a silly argument for which you should both be apologising and moving on. You say he is not talking to you but equally he would come on here and say that you are not talking to him. Running home to your parents sounds immature.

MichelleScarn · 25/04/2022 13:56

Is this right, you both were planning to go to his cousins housewarming London in Sunday, he suggested making a weekend of it, you didn't want to do this, because you have things to do. But you don't want him to go and do things he wants to do, as this would be leaving you on your own despite the fact you're nor wanting to go away for the weekend as you have plans?

Original poster

ChantalO · 25/04/2022 13:58

unfortunateevents · 25/04/2022 13:56

I’m the one really not talking to him because rather than apologising for setting off to go without me and seeing from my view point why I didn’t want to travel on the Friday he accused me of not wanting to go due to not wanting to stay at his parents

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 25/04/2022 13:58

Why didn't you go on Sunday to the house warming, I'm assuming that's the event you bought an outfit for? If you say family dynamics have been a point for a while, I can see why he thought you wouldn't want to stay with his family.

It does all sound a bit petty tbh. But it's hard to grasp what is going on.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 25/04/2022 14:01

There is two people creating this environment.
Don't discuss this with your parents if you plan to forgive him, otherwise it'll become a habit, your parents will turn against your DH.

Howaboutnope · 25/04/2022 14:01

In all honesty you both sound really hard work- even the AIBU doesnt make any sense. I'd seriously reconsider this relationship- you seem incompatible and a relationship at your ages or any age shouldn't be this hard. I think you both have some growing up to do but equally need to consider having some fun be that separately or together.

CRbear · 25/04/2022 14:03

This isn’t normal behaviour - and I am not trying to be a dick about it - but you’re saying all this like you think it’s just normal relationship stuff and I think you should no it’s not, and you both deserve better than this!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 25/04/2022 14:03

away to your parents and use the time to reflect on your marriage. Silent treatment is abusive.
OP is the one doing the silent treatment.

ShinyHatStand · 25/04/2022 14:06

I can't see what he's done wrong here.
You wanted to do different things, neither was right or wrong. Only taking can sort this out. Going off to sulk really isn't helpful.

Mumdiva99 · 25/04/2022 14:07

Why didn't you just get the train on Sunday and meet him there? Then he could have his weekend, you could stay home.

Never go to bed on an argument. And definitely don't run off to your parents.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 25/04/2022 14:07

He wanted to go Friday
You wanted to go Sunday

Both valid wants. He didn't go on Friday despite wanting to. Rather than sitting down with him on Friday and trying to come up with a compromise or agreement you got upset.

In the end neither of you got what you wanted and you're both not talking to each other.

Do you think you are dealing with this in a grown up, reasonable manner?

Discovereads · 25/04/2022 14:10

I don’t understand what he has to apologise for?
There was an event in London on Sunday (cousins house warming?) and he suggested going early to make a weekend out of it so he could visit and run with a mate as they are training for a race. Staying at his parents house in London.

You declined because you had “things to do” and furthermore were upset he’d considered going without you and he actually almost did but turned back and came home for the weekend with you.

You’ve since given him the silent treatment (which is abusive) and slept in the spare room because he hasn’t apologised and you think the argument was all his fault.

You then didn’t go to London at all because of the argument and you’re even more upset because he said you were not 100% as the excuse instead of saying you’d argued.

Im sorry OP, but I don’t think he has anything to apologise for in terms of initial argument. He did nothing wrong by suggesting making a weekend out of it. There is nothing wrong with him going by himself if you can’t or won’t go., you were being unreasonable to have this upset you in the first place.

Both giving each other the silent treatment is abusive and you both need to stop doing that and not be waiting for whoever you think is at fault to talk first. Just talk about it. It sounds you have upset him as much as he has upset you. And don’t go to your parents that’s just running away from being an adult and childish.

unfortunateevents · 25/04/2022 14:11

"There are things I want to discuss with him but I’m more upset because he’s not tried to sort things out or apologise,"
Given that you admit you are the one actively not talking to him what form exactly would this discussion take? Or is he only allowed to talk to you after he has already apologised?
"we both love and care for each other but I think he has a lot of growing up to do, he knows he’s upset me but won’t try to resolve it I just don’t understand?"*
He's not the only one who needs to grow up here. At least he realised that he shouldn't go to London without you and came back - since when you have given him the silent treatment and moved out of your bedroom. I'm beginning to feel more sorry for him in this scenario.

Tohaveandtohold · 25/04/2022 14:11

I’m the one really not talking to him
That sounds like op is the one doing the silent treatment here.
anyway, relationships shouldn’t be this hard. From what you’ve written, it’s like it’s either your way or nothing else. Just talk like adults.

Triffid1 · 25/04/2022 14:19

So you're upset because he said the reason you didn't want to go was because you didn't want to stay with his parents? Unless there's some massive backstory here, this seems ridiculously OTT on your part. And I really don't get why after all this neither of you went to the housewarming which was the original plan!? At the very least, he should have gone as it was for his family. But it sounds like he didn't want to go without you.

This is really not healthy.

theremustonlybeone · 25/04/2022 14:31

EmeraldShamrock1 from the OP most recent updates I agree with you. Context in these threads is key and I have changed my mind and can see it is the OP who is being the abuser. Not healthy at all. feel sorry for her DH, returning home upset and the OP is walking round ignoring him, led to not going to a wedding and she is sleeping in another room. I hope her DH goes home to his parents

Hbh17 · 25/04/2022 14:35

This sounds like real teenage stuff - on both sides! If I was your parent I would be telling you to sort it out & not allowing you to scuttle back to the parental home.

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