AIBU to go to my parents after an argument?

[ChantalO]

Hi just some advice please and I’m sorry for the long essay.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we don’t have kids yet; I’m 28 and he’s 30. We had an argument 3days ago which was his fault and we haven’t spoken since then although we’ve cooked, gone food shopping etc together without speaking to each other unless we have to. When we argue we’re usually both good at sitting down and communicating and resolving issues, either he calls for the discussion or I do but I’ve noticed that of late he may notice I’m upset about something that he’s done and won’t apologise or ask to speak about it so that we understand each other’s view, and then I just end up letting let it go. I chose to sleep in the guest room for the past 2 nights because I needed to play music to sleep as I’ve been quite upset and I know he needs silence to sleep.

There are things I want to discuss with him but I’m more upset because he’s not tried to sort things out or apologise, we both love and care for each other but I think he has a lot of growing up to do, he knows he’s upset me but won’t try to resolve it I just don’t understand?

To make it worse, we were meant to attend his cousin’s house warming yesterday and we didn’t go but he’s ended up telling his family that I wasn’t feeling 100% to attend , in order prevent them knowing we’ve argued, and I’ve had them texting me to just check I’m okay, yet he’s not asked if I’m okay which I think is silly.

Anyway I’m tired of sitting in a room 24/7 all by myself and I’ve been feeling quite low and lonely, I’m thinking of going to visit my parents and siblings for a few days into the bank holiday, I spoke to my Dad this morning and told him I might come to visit as I usually do, and also WFH obviously not going to discuss anything with them as we don’t believe in discussing our marital issues with family and I just don’t like how I’m feeling atm.

I’m not packing out or anything like that and I don’t want my husband to think that, but I don’t want to be the one to sit down to ask him why he’s acted the way he did and all the other things he’s done which I told him previously I wasn’t happy with.
I think he's acting childish and showing lack of emotional empathy and I don’t want to encourage his behaviour or am I the one being childish? and is going home childish?

Thanks

And yeah, when you're married you don't just run off to your parents when you have a fight. That's childish behaviour. You're married, you should be able to talk to resolve conflicts, and if you can't then it's a bad sign and you should use the opportunity to work on your communication and respect for one another.

In every single relationship I've known where one party runs off to their parents after an argument, it doesn't end up working out. How can it when you behave like that?

Sorry OP, reads like you’re the one in the wrong. Why couldn’t he go? Do you often give him the silent treatment? Is this perhaps the first time he has stood up to you and you don’t like it?

You need to grow up and get professional help for this abusive response to not getting your own way.

Or break up. He shouldn’t have to live with someone who ignores him into submission.

How far away are you on the train?

Honestly, you need to look at your own behaviour here because you seem to have behaved very childishly.

Married adults should not sulk and strop when they don’t get their own way and then wonder why their partner isn’t pandering to them, begging to know what’s wrong and apologising for no reason.

I am not being abusive, I was sad thinking he wasn’t not considering my opinion in the matter because like I mentioned earlier I didn’t think it would be hard to reschedule so we could just go for the day and then we both ended up not going.
You may not be aware of how controlling you are, even if it is subconscious.
He tried to take back control by leaving on the Friday but backed out, most likely for fear of the silence and fallout, he got that anyway.

Come on, my parents have been married 50 yrs or more, they've had some massive rows. Get over it, no one is wrong and no one is right.
Why are people either full shit or snowflakes about differences of opinion in relationships? It happens, it's going to happen, just let it go.

I’ve noticed that of late he may notice I’m upset about something that he’s done and won’t apologise or ask to speak about it so that we understand each other’s view, and then I just end up letting let it go

He's had enough of your behaviour. Be warned, the worm has turned.

I don't think he's done anything wrong.
I'm also seeing double standards in your post- you say you're annoyed that he didn't tell his family you had argued and said you weren't feeling 100 per cent and then you go onto say you won't say anything to your family as you don't like discussing marital issues with them.
This sounds like a minor argument blown out of control. Marriage takes work and communication from both sides.
By your OP surely he could have gone a few days earlier to his family and then you met him on the Sunday? If my DH tried to police when I can and can't see my family, I'd be annoyed too.

you are married ffs sort out your problems! Running home for a small argument is so bloody childish.

But why did you miss the event? It's not clear why you didn't go to it. He came back, he did what you wanted (he didn't go Fri/Sat) and you moved into the spare room anyway.

Understanding someone's view does not necessarily mean agreeing with them either. You can agree to disagree.

Please can you confirm, do you mean you had plans with your DP to go to an event on the fri/sat for which you had bought a new outfit and were then planning to go to the cousin’s housewarming in the Sunday? Meaning that him going early messed up your other event that you were looking forward to? In that case I can see why you would be annoyed.

In all seriousness, if you were the man I think a lot more people would be saying you are abusive to your spouse. He made a perfectly normal suggestion of making a weekend of something, considering you say you haven’t had much chance to socialise, I don’t know why you refused really. So he then felt he couldn’t go either, reading between the lines, he maybe couldn’t face the dramatics when he got back. You have already refused to speak to him for three days and now considering “going away” for a few days, why? To punish him? To make him think twice about having a different opinion to you again.

I am definitely feeling sympathy for him right now, not you. Although you are probably both extremely childish.

I am in my 50s now, long married, I cannot imagine my husband and I not speaking for three days. We would both find it utterly exhausting maintaining that level of sulky childish behaviour.

No that was not it. The event was on Sunday, husband suggested going a couple of days early and making a weekend of it. The OP didn’t want to and because husband did not apologise for his unwelcome suggestion, OP has sulked, moved to the spare bedroom and refused to go to the event at all.

I’m baffled by this @ChantalO it all sounds very petty & immature. You have to find a way to compromise and also to remain as independent people within a committed relationship. Why didn’t you both do your own thing & then meet up on Sunday? That would be very normal. If there are underlying issues about his family, real or imagined, then you’ll need discuss these openly or you’ll forever be putting each other in the doghouse & be heading for a divorce.

You sound and behave as though you are 12 . He didn't take your feelings into consideration? Did you take his into consideration? He may not be wanting to keep sitting down discussing things with you because he has frankly had enough of it. If you need to keep discussing your hurt feelings either he is a knob or you are hard work. I suspect the latter from this post.

Oh God grow up. This is teenage stuff. You are being absolutely ridiculous.

Heads banged together pronto.

Yes OP you use gas lighting tactics towards him controlling him, his idea was perfectly reasonable you're not attached at the hip, you forced him out of the idea out of fear.
If you want your marriage to last you need to respect him and take notice of your behaviour.

You both sound very immature tbh.

Please don't think about having children until you've learned how to communicate properly.

This is so juvenile.
You're married but not joined at the hip
Why couldn't you have travelled up on Sunday after doing what you needed to?
Marriage is a partnership requiring compromise

In hindsight, although it would’ve been more stressful maybe I should’ve just took the train or drove down on the Sunday to meet him.

This sounds like you didn't want the effort of travelling alone or driving, it would have been easier for you if he just travelled with you?
Is this the case?

In hindsight, although it would’ve been more stressful maybe I should’ve just took the train or drove down on the Sunday to meet him.

This sounds like you didn't want the effort of travelling alone or driving, it would have been easier for you if he just travelled with you?
Is this the case?

I just thought if your spouse was upset you would’ve try to make sure they’re ok and talk things out”

indeed. So why are you giving him the silent treatment when your unreasonable demands caused the issue?

you say you don’t have children yet. I’d suggest you need to do some growing up before you even begin to think about that.