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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to my parents after an argument?

78 replies

ChantalO · 25/04/2022 13:07

Hi just some advice please and I’m sorry for the long essay.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, we don’t have kids yet; I’m 28 and he’s 30. We had an argument 3days ago which was his fault and we haven’t spoken since then although we’ve cooked, gone food shopping etc together without speaking to each other unless we have to. When we argue we’re usually both good at sitting down and communicating and resolving issues, either he calls for the discussion or I do but I’ve noticed that of late he may notice I’m upset about something that he’s done and won’t apologise or ask to speak about it so that we understand each other’s view, and then I just end up letting let it go. I chose to sleep in the guest room for the past 2 nights because I needed to play music to sleep as I’ve been quite upset and I know he needs silence to sleep.

There are things I want to discuss with him but I’m more upset because he’s not tried to sort things out or apologise, we both love and care for each other but I think he has a lot of growing up to do, he knows he’s upset me but won’t try to resolve it I just don’t understand?

To make it worse, we were meant to attend his cousin’s house warming yesterday and we didn’t go but he’s ended up telling his family that I wasn’t feeling 100% to attend , in order prevent them knowing we’ve argued, and I’ve had them texting me to just check I’m okay, yet he’s not asked if I’m okay which I think is silly.

Anyway I’m tired of sitting in a room 24/7 all by myself and I’ve been feeling quite low and lonely, I’m thinking of going to visit my parents and siblings for a few days into the bank holiday, I spoke to my Dad this morning and told him I might come to visit as I usually do, and also WFH obviously not going to discuss anything with them as we don’t believe in discussing our marital issues with family and I just don’t like how I’m feeling atm.

I’m not packing out or anything like that and I don’t want my husband to think that, but I don’t want to be the one to sit down to ask him why he’s acted the way he did and all the other things he’s done which I told him previously I wasn’t happy with.
I think he's acting childish and showing lack of emotional empathy and I don’t want to encourage his behaviour or am I the one being childish? and is going home childish?

Thanks

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/04/2022 14:37

Sorry, but it seems that this is all down to you, and that he has nothing to apolgise for. You prevented him from doing something entirely reasonable (spending some time with his mate before the housewarming) and now you're refusing to speak to him?

I keep thinking I must have missed something, but if I haven't, my sympathy is with him, and it's down to you to make the first move to apologise.

I'm guessing that he had good reason to think you didn't want to stay with his parents, because it's an odd thing to come out with based on nothing.

saraclara · 25/04/2022 14:39

...and yep, why did you not make your way to the housewarming independently?

Hugasauras · 25/04/2022 14:41

Come on, OP. You're married, not 19-year-olds in your first ever relationship. The whole thing is incredibly petty and childish. I can't imagine not speaking to my husband for days over something so ridiculous.

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/04/2022 14:42

Basically you want him to apologise for thinking about going away to his parents for the weekend. That's bonkers.
When he didn't apologise, you gave him the silent treatment. He still didn't apologise so you moved into the spare room where you're staying 24/7. He still hasn't apologised (because, honestly, you're behaving like an idiot), you're thinking about running home to mummy and daddy's.
Why stop there? Why not initiate divorce proceedings and see if that makes him say sorry.

user1471556818 · 25/04/2022 14:43

Why not have a talk about what's bothering you both ,all just seems sortable without the drama

sillysmiles · 25/04/2022 14:46

So you didn't want him to spend time away from you with his family. And even when he did what you asked him to do you are giving him the silent treatment?

You are being emotionally abusive.

Original poster
ChantalO · 25/04/2022 14:46

I am not being abusive, I was sad thinking he wasn’t not considering my opinion in the matter because like I mentioned earlier I didn’t think it would be hard to reschedule so we could just go for the day and then we both ended up not going. I love my husband very much and I guess you learn a lot by reflection and I appreciate all the honest opinions as I hadn’t discussed this with anyone else so I only saw it from my point of view . I just thought if your spouse was upset you would’ve try to make sure they’re ok and talk things out because that’s what I would’ve done but maybe he wasn’t all at fault we should’ve both tried to find a solution even on the Saturday as he may have still wanted to go for the day. I will ask if he wants to speak after work.
Thank you

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 25/04/2022 14:49

I just thought if your spouse was upset you would’ve try to make sure they’re ok and talk things out....
Why couldn't he just go on his own and see his own family and you travel separately? I still don't see what he did was upsetting. And to be honest, I think he was a fool to turn around and come back, because it sounds like you were having a tantrum because he didn't do what you wanted.

Houseplantmad · 25/04/2022 14:51

This does sound like much harder work than it should be but do not go running off to your parents, otherwise you really are acting like a kid stamping their foot.

saraclara · 25/04/2022 14:53

I just thought if your spouse was upset you would’ve try to make sure they’re ok and talk things out...

Well he was clearly upset, but you didn't try to make sure he was ok and talk things out, did you?

LetitiaLeghorn · 25/04/2022 14:57

It sounds to me like he did consider your opinion because he turned round and came back. If I were him, after you'd given me the silent treatment and moved into the spare room, I'd have gone down on the Saturday. So he's shown more restraint and consideration of your feelings than I would have done.

steff13 · 25/04/2022 14:57

Is this a reverse? You can't possibly think you're in the right here...

gannett · 25/04/2022 14:58

I can't understand how the original matter could even lead to an argument, let alone hurt feelings and three days of not talking? This is how it would go in a healthy relationship:

A: Do you fancy going down to London a couple of days earlier, I want to catch up with my mate while I'm there?
B: Sorry, I have things I want to do - why don't you go earlier and I'll see you on Sunday?
A: Sure!

Why does he need to reschedule seeing his mate who's doing a big race? London is always there - he could go this weekend and you could both go another weekend. What about that hurt your feelings? Why can't you travel separately?

If I was him I definitely wouldn't have turned back 20 minutes into my journey.

Ponderingwindow · 25/04/2022 15:05

This situation reads as two people who need to work on their communication skills, not as one person who needs to apologize.

Pigeoning · 25/04/2022 15:05

I don't understand what he's done wrong.

He wanted to make a weekend of it. You only wanted to go Sunday. Why didn't he just go ahead and you join on Sunday?

It sounds like you've hugely blown this out of proportion and you're sulking. What does he need to apologise for?

sillysmiles · 25/04/2022 15:07

@ChantalO were your feeling hurt that he wanted to go for the weekend without you?

I'm struggling to understand what the problem was.

KrisAkabusi · 25/04/2022 15:09

maybe he wasn’t all at fault

Nobody here can see that he was at fault at all!

RealBecca · 25/04/2022 15:09

I just thought if your spouse was upset you would’ve try to make sure they’re ok and talk things out

My husband used to pout around for days being off and I told him point blank that I was sick of it and he needed to grow up and communicate his issue like an adult and from now on I wasn't going to pussyfoot around him asking if he was ok like it was my job to make everything better. He stopped.

Is it possible your husband feels like that?

Masterchief117 · 25/04/2022 15:16

Seriously? Why can't you just speak to him if something is bothering you so much? Why can't you just go to him and say that he's hurt your feelings? Why does he need to be the one to come to you?

You're being ridiculous. Do not bring children into this mess if you cannot communicate with each other.

Alightjacket · 25/04/2022 15:20

Well he did consider your 'upset' feelings because...HE DIDN'T GO! This reads very obviously like you have an issue with his parents so no wonder he is upset.

NancyJoan · 25/04/2022 15:22

i am finding this hard to follow, but his solution sounds like a good one. He wanted to go for the weekend, you didn’t, so he goes a couple of days early, you stay hone and get your things done then join him for the event. No one misses out on what they want to do.

Original poster
ChantalO · 25/04/2022 15:23

In hindsight, although it would’ve been more stressful maybe I should’ve just took the train or drove down on the Sunday to meet him. I don’t mind him going without me as I tend to go home sometimes for the weekend to see family and so does he. I felt he was prioritising his race over our plan and maybe I was just more upset that I was going to miss the event . I agree that he’s not at fault and that’s not a healthy way to do things and communicating could’ve resolved the issue

OP posts:
Rewritethestars1 · 25/04/2022 15:46

This is not how relationships are supposed to be. The issue here is so so petty. It wouldn't even factor in my relationship. All this silence, needing apologies, turning back , considering feelings etc etc is just pathetic. I'm sorry op but id expect such behaviour from bickering children not fully grown married adults. Just live your life and enjoy seeing each other happy life is far too short for all this.

SexyPortugese · 25/04/2022 16:00

Where are PP getting 'wedding' talk from, when OP clearly said it was a housewarming?

IAmAWomanNotACis · 25/04/2022 16:01

" I agree that he’s not at fault and that’s not a healthy way to do things and communicating could’ve resolved the issue"

If communication is the answer then not talking to each other and leaving to go stay with your family doesn't sound like the solution does it?

Hope you get it worked out. You can break the silence without being the one to "back down" - try, "Can we talk? I'd like for us both to share how we're feeling and try to resolve it."