Shaking head at me

[Namechange247]

Name changed for this one.

For background, I’m a single parent who works full time. I use the school wrap around care and there is nobody else to help me with the school run. I also suffer with anxiety. The after school club is open until half past 5.

I’ve returned to the office for a couple of days a week and arrive at school around 25 past 5 from work, or sometimes a couple of minutes before half past. On my WFH days I collect DD with plenty of time to spare.

One of the school staff is collected by their partner who waits in their vehicle outside. For the last few months, when I have pulled up to collect my child, the partner has started glaring at me and shaking his head as I pull up and get out of the car. It’s been making me uncomfortable and a bit bemused as I’m not late, I’m arriving a few minutes before the club is due to close.

At the end of this week, I left work at my usual time but hit bad traffic on the way home and after checking the sat nav I rang the club to advise I’d be 5 minutes late. I couldn’t have been more apologetic and it’s a very rare occurrence from me so they were fine with it. I dislike being late for DD and feel bad when she is the last one, so I was stressed when I arrived. I pulled up in an obvious rush and the man was there again, glaring at me, shaking his head and mouthing at me. I was anxious as soon as I saw the van as I knew that’s what he would do.

I understand the frustration if I am late, but this is also happening when I am not.

I mentioned it to the club manager but I’m not sure if anything will be done as he’s not their staff member.

How do I approach this going forward? AIBU to arrive a few minutes before club closes?

Our WAC isn't outsourced. I didn't exactly apply, but rather took on the hours when asked. I was aware of the hours and I do them, but in recognition of the fact that it's hardly a sweet gig, we are able to go when the last child leaves. So it is a bit of a pain when everyone is gone by 5:10 save one child whose father pitches up at 5:58, fresh from the golf club.

Yours is a legitimate complaint, but it's a sore point for me too, given that we open at 7:30 but routinely have kids dropped off at 7:15 because they know that's when we get in and set up. So if we're sometimes able to escape fifteen minutes early, it's offset by the fact they're often getting an additional fifteen minutes, gratis.

So if he's shaking his head at you, as if saying 'no!', then the perfect response would be for you to vigorously nod your head as if to say 'oh yes!'
Maybe?!

I was never early just exactly on time as the OP is exactly on time.

Just ignore. If you are there before the time it closes and have onky been late the once then you aren't in the wrong. Some people are just ignorant. He and his partner might moan about how you don't arrive till nearly 5.30 every day but there's no reason why yiu shouldn't and presumably his partner is paid for this role till this time...if not then that's his partners problem not yours.

I've not heard of wraparound care being run by school staff or teachers in a voluntsry capacity before. Ours is a seperate company and is more expensive and there are charges if you are late.

I would go into the school and Tell everyone there that there’s a right weirdo outside that keeps shaking his head at you and saying stuff and that clearly he is deranged. Word will get round and his partner will tell him to leave it out as it’s embarrassing

Exactly.

I don’t get the ‘privately annoyed’ but either - why? And the horrible judgement on parents - it’s none of the staff’s business why parents are using wraparound care and it’s absolutely NOT just for working parents. When I was part time I still used it on my days off to get another hour to myself, because that time was good for me, or I ran errands that I didn’t wanna run when the kids were about because it would cut into my quality time with them.

I’ve worked in schools before and I hate to say it but I was astounded at the massive chip on the shoulder of some teachers at having to do their job.

Agree - and if she’s moaning about parents picking their children up on time maybe she’s in the wrong job?

'I've not heard of wraparound care being run by school staff or teachers in a voluntsry capacity before.'

Nor have I. What do you mean by 'voluntary capacity'? That's not what I said. A poster asked if I knew the hours when I applied and I replied that I didn't apply: I was working there already, and agreed to do the extra hours in the evening, when approached by the SBM. I was aware if the hours, but was also told that there was the possibility of some early finishes, which was quite nice given that I have my own kids, and my own errands.

'Ours is a seperate company and is more expensive and there are charges if you are late.'

Well, ours is not. Nor are most, locally. However, it looks like it may well be outsourced shortly, and that'll be a banner day for me. Not so much for the parents, who will indeed pay more ph and be liable for late charges (we don't do that, either - although I have taken kids to the park after the club closes and waited for the parents there).

And whatever you may say, WAP was in its inception, very much a service for working parents. And there have been times when we've - temporarily - had to stipulate that, or at the very least give priority to key workers; single parents; working parents; 'vulnerable' children. WAC perhaps makes a school more attractive, but it's not required by law, and may be withdrawn at any time. Then parents would presumably have to pay childminders at £10 an hour, or whatever. No problem.

All largely academic as I've said many, many times that he's being a dick. She can have a moan if she wants, but he shouldn't be communicating that to the OP, who is well within her rights. I'm merely explaining why I think the OP isn't wrong in her suspicion that he's glaring and mouthing at her because he's annoyed that he's waiting for his missus until gone 5:30, rather than that he's singing the fourth movement of Handel's 'Messiah' 🙄

Either way he’s a knob and she’s a petty moaner. Yes then we would pay for a childminder, and your point is?? Parent pays for and uses a service provided, picks up on time and you still feel you have room for complaint, I don’t think you should have taken it on by the sounds of it.

Back again! Just to clarify a few things:

It is 100% aimed at me, he isn’t on the phone etc. He is looking me dead in the eyes and shaking his head at me. The mouthing was a new addition on the occasion that I was late.

I’m not actively looking for him when I arrive. The road we park on is a short stretch that can be accessed from two directions and everyone parks single file on one side. The way I come in is the opposite to him, so we find ourselves facing each other. If I parked anywhere else it would take longer for me to walk around to get DD and I already cut it fine (not by choice, I come straight from work).

I mentioned it to one of the club managers and she looked shocked and laughed. She said she would mention it but the laugh, the fact it was a Friday afternoon, and that he isn’t their staff member hasn’t filled me with confidence that she will.

Well @Namechange247 before I saw some of the responses from people working within WAC I would have thought it can’t possibly be because you’re picking up at the time it finishes but now Ii have been disabused of that notion! Personally I’d call him out but if you can’t face it on I’d ask club manager again if it carries on and if it still persists ask the head to tell her member of staff her ‘DH’s’ behaviour is wholly inappropriate

Report again to the club manager and say that this man is intimidating you, you’re not doing anything wrong and it’s making you feel unsafe.

say to them (they’re unlikely to know it’ll make no difference) that you’re going to report his behaviour to the police if he doesn’t stop.

Do you have any other parent friends that go there? Have you asked if they experience the same.

wonder if (obviously) pointing him out to them if they’re going in as you’re leaving might stop him?

another thing I’d consider would be a printed off piece of paper to either hold up In his direction or slap on his windscreen

“I’m not late, so fuck off with the staring/head shaking and mouthed insults”

That sounds intimidating. Wouldn’t confront him. Would report it to the club manager.

And if club manager doesn’t deal with it, the school leadership.

Complain to the school that you’re being harassed.

Just ignore him. You don't know him, so why let anything he does affect you. Don't engage with him, it is totally unnecessary.

I do understand your anxiety about this and your worry that you aren’t sure what to say. If you keep it factual, you can’t go wrong. Go over and say “You have been shaking your head at me when I park up but I don’t know why. What is wrong?” Have a brief general answer ready for him eg “I’ll mention it to the club” or “I’ll bear that in mind” or “That isn’t correct.” Those three should cover most scenarios!

If at any point you feel yourself getting stressed or upset, repeat this and don’t engage further.

You can’t allow this passive aggressive intimidation to continue when you aren’t doing anything obviously wrong. Nasty little man.

^ ps meant to say, that’s my advice if, as you predict, the club manager won’t do anything. You were right to mention it to her first.

I wouldn't even give him a glance, I'd totally ignore him. As long as you are parked legally and safely, make a point of getting out of the car in full view, as you walk away from your car, check your watch (this is important), after checking your watch, do NOT rush, but casually walk in to collect your child.

The problem is, he sees you rushing and flustered as you give the impression that you are late, you are not. Giving a more relaxed attitude and no attention his way will make his little game pointless. Do not apologise when you collect your child within the specified opening hours, as this implies again that you are late and keeping them behind.

He might just have a shaky head syndrome. Nervous twitch or something?
In which case if you confronted him you'd feel a bit silly when he said "sorry about the head thing, I can't help it"

He sounds like a common or garden prat. We had an Amazon driver shake his head slowly at us the other day for having the audacity to want to get off our drive, that he was blocking (he wasn't delivering to us).

In your situation I would ask him what the problem is. Slim chance it's a misunderstanding, but he's probably a misogynistic prat. I doubt he'd display this behaviour to a fellow penis haver.

I think I'd just give him a wave and say 'afternoon' really loudly. You're doing nothing wrong op. You're on time 99.99% of the time and entitled to be there - he's a pratt

When I was a child, I had music lessons. My mum would drop me off and pick me up. We were never usually late but we had a week or so when there had been some car issues.

One time, my teacher's husband came in and told me off with a lecture about how his wife would rush back from work and it was out if order I was late. I was only perhaps 12. I was mortified. My teacher was furious with him and my mum when I told her although she did apologize to the teacher and explain.

I remember mum talking about it and saying she thought he didn't like her teaching from home.

Anyway, this issue is not about you. I'd say it's about him. He resents collecting his partner. He's decided you are a problem when you're not.

Do not confront him as that's risky and will make you late. Instead ask whose van it is and tell them what's happening.

This is not a you problem. You've done nothing wrong.

See how it goes after you’ve mentioned it to the manager, hopefully she’ll have a word with the member of staff he’s there for and they’ll put a stop to it. If not please do bring it up again, if you know which staff member he’s there for name them because it sounds like they’re the only reason he’s there at all and they have some responsibility for the circumstances allowing him to intimidate you.

The club advertises it services to 5.30, if the staff/their partners are getting the hump about actually having to be there till 5.30 that’s for them to take up with their managers or stop working there.

I’ve had jobs where finishing early was a perk fairly regularly but it was always made clear it was a perk and not to organise your life with the expectation it would be an option every day. I’ve also had a couple of jobs in shops/pubs where the staff have had to negotiate for 15 mins pay after closing time to allow for clearing/locking up. Neither of those had anything to do with the people using the service it was between the staff and management.

At the other end it’s really common for jobs to expect people there fifteen minutes before their paid start time. Would this man sit there staring through the windows if he was dropping them off early? He’s just a pillock.

I imagine it’s the same parents collecting at 5.59 as that’s the time they can get there after finishing work.