Shaking head at me

[Namechange247]

Name changed for this one.

For background, I’m a single parent who works full time. I use the school wrap around care and there is nobody else to help me with the school run. I also suffer with anxiety. The after school club is open until half past 5.

I’ve returned to the office for a couple of days a week and arrive at school around 25 past 5 from work, or sometimes a couple of minutes before half past. On my WFH days I collect DD with plenty of time to spare.

One of the school staff is collected by their partner who waits in their vehicle outside. For the last few months, when I have pulled up to collect my child, the partner has started glaring at me and shaking his head as I pull up and get out of the car. It’s been making me uncomfortable and a bit bemused as I’m not late, I’m arriving a few minutes before the club is due to close.

At the end of this week, I left work at my usual time but hit bad traffic on the way home and after checking the sat nav I rang the club to advise I’d be 5 minutes late. I couldn’t have been more apologetic and it’s a very rare occurrence from me so they were fine with it. I dislike being late for DD and feel bad when she is the last one, so I was stressed when I arrived. I pulled up in an obvious rush and the man was there again, glaring at me, shaking his head and mouthing at me. I was anxious as soon as I saw the van as I knew that’s what he would do.

I understand the frustration if I am late, but this is also happening when I am not.

I mentioned it to the club manager but I’m not sure if anything will be done as he’s not their staff member.

How do I approach this going forward? AIBU to arrive a few minutes before club closes?

I was going to suggest doing this too.

I'd also mention it to the supervisor he is collecting and ask why he is doing this?

I too would go with the smile and wave approach.

It would be interesting to know if the staff get paid until only 5.30 or an extra 5 minutes or so to tidy away and lock up.

What a rude man!

I’d be smiling and waving.
just be thankful he’s not your boyfriend. Imagine putting up with that shit every night.

do you know whose boyfriend he is?

So he's collecting a member of staff when they finish work?

Aww, he doesn't like wasting his important manly time waiting for her, does he?

I’d give him the finger or blow him a kiss 😂 but I’ve always been goady in those situations.

Alternatively you could record him doing it and hand it over with a formal complaint to the school/club.

Turn the tables on him. Get there a bit early but sit in your car until one minute before pick up time. Pretend to be talking on your phone and occasionally glare at him and shake your head. He will start to wonder what you are saying about him.

What has made you think he is shaking his head because of your timekeeping? He does this even when you're not late, so why would you think it was to do with that, unless there's something else here you're not saying?

Just a random thought OP, is it you he's shaking his head at?
DH would frequently listen to the radio in the car if waiting to pick me up and could do something similar, to the casual observer, depending on what he was listening to.

Otherwise, just don't look in his direction.

More often than not there is another parent walking in/out of school when I arrive, or inside waiting for their child to come out having arrived shortly before me.

So why have you settled on you being last minute or late as the reason for the head shaking?

Just ask him if he has a problem and if he says 'no', just politely tell him you've noticed him shaking his head. Or just ask the member of staff he's collecting.

Either way, it'll get you further than Mumsnet will.

I like the idea of waving at him, then standing around admiring the trees or something, and going in at the last minute.

Perhaps you can ask the staff if they are aware that there is a man parked outside the school? And just leave it hanging as you walk away.

I work in a nursery and we provide an after school club. This man is being ridiculous! Your child is entitle to be there until they close and as long as you get there by then that’s not an issue at all. You clearly didn’t mean to be late on that occasion and you apologised and it was a one off. That’s nothing to do with him, if that was my partner treating a parent like that I’d be mortified!

I’d make a formal complaint too.

I’d go into the club and ask them in a really loud voice who that bloke is outside in the XYZ van as he’s giving you the creeps.

you say that he is collecting a staff member, a staff member from the school? If so, I would call in at the office and ask to speak to the head or deputy head to ask who he is and explain the behaviour he is showing to you. I cannot imagine they would think that is ok and hopefully they will mention it to the staff member. He is out of order, he need to f@*k off and mind his own business.

Are you certain that you are not misinterpreting his behaviour? Someone recently knocked on my car window to ask why I was mouthing at them, when I was talking on a handsfree phone. Could he be talking to someone, singing to music? If not, I would definitely mention it to the club.

You could have a t shirt printed that says “fuck off you judgey twat” on it and wave brightly at him.

I mean, ffs, what makes men like this think we give a shiny shit about their big important man opinions.

Pretend you don't know who it is and report your concern about the man hanging around outside a school full of little children. When you are told it's X's partner express surprise and say "oh my! I wonder why he was sitting there swearing at me!"

And then ignore him.

All the posters saying to make a 'formal complaint'...For what??? Being disagreeable? The world is full of them and do we not think schools have enough to be dealing with?
Op is not being unreasonable but it can easily be ignored. It's all these things that people rush to 'formally complain' about that take up time and money that could be spent actually teaching and learning.

Op - ignore. Pretend to be on the phone or looking in another direction. He's just grumpy and feels entitled to something he's not getting. You're not doing a thing wrong.

Because he is being passive aggressive and would he do this to a dad picking up his kids at that time? I bet he wouldn’t!

Go up to him and ask him why he’s doing it!

I normally roll my eyes when I read responses on threads like this where posters frantically try to come up with an innocent explanation (Could he have dementia etc) but I think the suggestion he’s actually shaking his head at something else could be right here. Is he listening to a podcast of Woman’s Hour or You And Yours? He might be oblivious to the look on his face while he looks over at you. But saying that, I’m sure you’re a perfectly sensible woman, and you would have realised if this was the case.

I’d go down the cheery wave and OTT grin. That way, it will irritate him if he is intentionally giving you a filthy look, and probably delight him if he isn’t.

I would get out of the car and ask him what his problem is.

If you're there with a few minutes to spare then maybe the clock in his car is slightly wrong.

I would just ignore him.

As others have said, big smile and wave and a cheery “good afternoon”.

I would then also ask to speak to the supervisor and make them aware that there is a man parked outside every day, intimidating women (possibly children too) on entry. Stranger Danger and all that.

I think I would wave like a madwoman and shout "HELLO MISTER SHAKEY HEAD!" every time I saw him.