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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Shaking head at me

125 replies

Namechange247 · 24/04/2022 10:53

Name changed for this one.

For background, I’m a single parent who works full time. I use the school wrap around care and there is nobody else to help me with the school run. I also suffer with anxiety. The after school club is open until half past 5.

I’ve returned to the office for a couple of days a week and arrive at school around 25 past 5 from work, or sometimes a couple of minutes before half past. On my WFH days I collect DD with plenty of time to spare.

One of the school staff is collected by their partner who waits in their vehicle outside. For the last few months, when I have pulled up to collect my child, the partner has started glaring at me and shaking his head as I pull up and get out of the car. It’s been making me uncomfortable and a bit bemused as I’m not late, I’m arriving a few minutes before the club is due to close.

At the end of this week, I left work at my usual time but hit bad traffic on the way home and after checking the sat nav I rang the club to advise I’d be 5 minutes late. I couldn’t have been more apologetic and it’s a very rare occurrence from me so they were fine with it. I dislike being late for DD and feel bad when she is the last one, so I was stressed when I arrived. I pulled up in an obvious rush and the man was there again, glaring at me, shaking his head and mouthing at me. I was anxious as soon as I saw the van as I knew that’s what he would do.

I understand the frustration if I am late, but this is also happening when I am not.

I mentioned it to the club manager but I’m not sure if anything will be done as he’s not their staff member.

How do I approach this going forward? AIBU to arrive a few minutes before club closes?

OP posts:

newbiename · 24/04/2022 13:07

Say ' are you ok ?' to him next time.

TheChurchOfEli · 24/04/2022 13:09

Orphlids · 24/04/2022 12:59

I normally roll my eyes when I read responses on threads like this where posters frantically try to come up with an innocent explanation (Could he have dementia etc) but I think the suggestion he’s actually shaking his head at something else could be right here. Is he listening to a podcast of Woman’s Hour or You And Yours? He might be oblivious to the look on his face while he looks over at you. But saying that, I’m sure you’re a perfectly sensible woman, and you would have realised if this was the case.

I’d go down the cheery wave and OTT grin. That way, it will irritate him if he is intentionally giving you a filthy look, and probably delight him if he isn’t.

One hell of a coincidence that he is listening to something head shaking worthy every single day OP picks her child up. Why would that make him stare and mouth something too? I’ll eye roll for you.

Report his reg to the supervisor. I’m sure they wouldn’t be too happy a member of staff’s partner is harassing their paying customers in such a manner.

PlasticineMeg · 24/04/2022 13:11

That’s disgraceful. Complain to the Head teacher.

I bet my life if you were a 6’4” burly bloke he wouldn’t be shaking his head at you. Sounds the type to pick on women.

if it was I’d be saying “sorry did you say something?” Each time, but I’m at the point in my life where no fucks are given.

DysmalRadius · 24/04/2022 13:12

I'd let the main office know that someone is acting strangely as you access their premises. No second guessing as to what his motives are or discussion of your collection time, just tell them that you have noticed him behaving in an odd and aggressive manner as you access the building and you thought they should know.

PlasticineMeg · 24/04/2022 13:21

JamieFraserskiltspeaksout · 24/04/2022 12:40

All the posters saying to make a 'formal complaint'...For what??? Being disagreeable? The world is full of them and do we not think schools have enough to be dealing with?
Op is not being unreasonable but it can easily be ignored. It's all these things that people rush to 'formally complain' about that take up time and money that could be spent actually teaching and learning.

Op - ignore. Pretend to be on the phone or looking in another direction. He's just grumpy and feels entitled to something he's not getting. You're not doing a thing wrong.

So women have to put up with harrasment because other people can’t manage their jobs properly?

fucking hell the bar just gets lower and lower doesn’t it

tearinghairout · 24/04/2022 13:22

I would ask him. I don't like confronting people, but equally in this case I wouldn't continue to scurry past, feeling like a criminal. Keep it polite, and ask him what's the matter. If he says "You're always bloody late!" or whatever, you can put him right. "They don't close until 5.30. It's fine." When I had a problem with a neighbour once and was in the right, I found that letting him say his piece and then calmly stating my position about fifteen times over when he argued eventually made him accept it and leave me alone.

gogentlyforever · 24/04/2022 13:24

EmoIsntDead · 24/04/2022 11:11

Stop in front of him, check your watch and then ask "why are you shaking your head at me? I'm not late, and even if I was it would be non of your business"

Someone with anxiety will never feel comfortable doing that.

PAFMO · 24/04/2022 13:25

Vispa · 24/04/2022 11:15

I'd try and get hold of a dash cam, film a few days worth of this behaviour then hand it to the school/organisers etc.

Don't be ridiculous.
She's more likely then to be accused of loony harassment herself.

gogentlyforever · 24/04/2022 13:26

Op. Put it in writing to the manager of the club. Always best to put in writing and say you feel intimidated and have concerns.

Unless absolutely crazy, they will have a word with the staff member.

You can escalate to the care commission if nothing happens.

PAFMO · 24/04/2022 13:30

gogentlyforever · 24/04/2022 13:26

Op. Put it in writing to the manager of the club. Always best to put in writing and say you feel intimidated and have concerns.

Unless absolutely crazy, they will have a word with the staff member.

You can escalate to the care commission if nothing happens.

Because a man shakes his head at someone?
A man who doesn't work at the place the OP is entering?
The only thing that will happen is that the staff member will perhaps be asked to ask her partner to park elsewhere. Which they don't have the right to ask him unless he's on their property.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 24/04/2022 13:31

I pity the poor partner who lives with him bet it’s great fun listening to him complaining about the woman who turns up on time, rude git I bet she cringes.
how do you approach it well if you feel you can’t say anything to him maybe say something to the staff when you arrive just say ‘the man who I assume is collecting member of staff shakes his head at me every day I hope I’m not causing a problem arriving at this time ‘?
If you can’t say anything at all you need to learn to care less just look at him firmly like you don’t care and walk off . I think he’s trying to intimidate you and I wouldn’t put up with this .

TokyoTen · 24/04/2022 13:51

He's a bully, so sorry you have to go through this OP. If it was me I'd go over to him, yank his door open and ask what the fuck is wrong. I did this an obnoxious guy once, he was from angry and sneering to scared and pleading in seconds. They key is the Mount of anger you unleash.

If you can't summon the anger for that I would report him - keep a log and make a written complaint to the manager. If you decide not to go down that route for some reason then just ignore him.

beastlyslumber · 24/04/2022 13:56

I would say something to him, but then I can be quite aggressive assertive in these situations. Confrontation isn't always the best way.

Another option would be to very obviously take a photograph of him on your phone.

And definitely complain to the manager/staff every time it happens.

neverbeenskiing · 24/04/2022 14:07

You can escalate to the care commission if nothing happens.

Do you mean the Care Quality Commission? The independent body that inspects hospitals and care homes? Not sure they'd be interested in a man sat in his car reportedly shaking his head at someone outside a school.

Sylfia · 24/04/2022 14:13

I can see how anxiety would stop you confronting him, but I don't see why you need to look at him. Don't so much as glance his way. If he's playing to an audience he'll get bored. Give yourself a secret gold star for every day you don't notice him.

Or block him in

Sylfia · 24/04/2022 14:14

Think about the fact that you are going in to collect your lovely DC who matters in your life. This man doesn't.

Ohmybod · 24/04/2022 14:20

I would not be able to stop myself from marching up and tapping on his window and saying (in my most polite and friendly voice) something like “is all the glaring and head shaking for me? It is? What a waste of time, because I’ve no idea why you do it and I really don't care. But hey, sure crack on!” And then ignore…..

Louise0701 · 24/04/2022 14:23

Completely missing the point of the thread but £2.50 an hour?!?! @LetHimHaveIt where is wrap around care that cheap??

MangoLipstick · 24/04/2022 14:25

What a passive aggressive prick he is.

You are doing nothing wrong op.

I would either continue to ignore him, don’t even give him eye contact, he can wobble his head to himself then..OR I would ask him out right why he always shakes his head at you, look at your watch /phone and say something about it being before half past, what’s your problem? That kind of thing. He’s being a jerk.

Sylfia · 24/04/2022 14:26

Honestly, I wouldn't be interested enough in some randomer sitting in his van to be annoyed by him.

Try this OP. Imagine him in his van, head shaking away. Now they shrink and shrink until you can pick the van up and hold it in the palm of your hand. Pop it down on a windowsill or something out of your way.

Unless you're giving him attention, he might as well not be there. He doesn't matter to you.

BeyondMyWits · 24/04/2022 14:27

I get a bit fed up at work when folks turn up at 2 min to closing with a complicated request, it is nice to be able to walk out of the door at the end of my shift (when I am paid only until the end of my shift). Wouldn't say anything... though to be honest I might seem offish if someone were to say "ooooo, just made it before you close"

So, so long as you are there in time to collect up their stuff, get any debrief, pass on any messages etc and be out of their door by close of day, he has nothing to shake his head about. Just ignore.

fuckoffImcounting · 24/04/2022 14:34

Film the fucker.

PatchworkElmer · 24/04/2022 14:47

I think I’d wave.

Butterbeer4All · 24/04/2022 15:00

I would ask the childcare staff who that man is, tell them that he shakes his head at you every day and it makes you feel uncomfortable and you will be escalating the complaint if he doesn't stop.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 24/04/2022 15:02

OP you are doing nothing wrong. If the staff are leaving late, then that's a problem with their contracted hours. You have paid for this service.

The ideal mumsnet solution would be for you to confront and shame this small man and report back triumphantly, which would be great for us to hear, but I don't think you'd want to do this.

You could try to ignore him, but that's effort and you'll still feel intimidated.

You'd be better off speaking to the manager.

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