Husband keeps pushing for me to go back to work full time.

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

As our family situation currently stands my husband works full time and I work 25 hours over 3 days. I dropped to 25 hours after our second son was born but I always worked full time before that.

Our two children are now aged 8 and 4. The 4 year old is due to start school this year.

Our current take home pay per month (jointly) is just under £4k which I consider to be a comfortable amount and and one we can have a nice lifestyle with.

In August I am getting a promotion and increasing my hours up to 30 hours a week and so our monthly bring home pay will increase further so up to just under £5k a month.

As it stands, my plan is for me to work 4 days a week (8 hour days) and have one day off in the middle of the week. My husband however is being really pushy about me working full time as opposed to “just working 30 hours.”

I said it will really help us with me having one day off a week because if anything untoward comes up, one of the children takes ill, appointments come up, school assemblies etc I have the option to change my days to accommodate this. I’m very lucky to have a job where I can be very flexible with my days.

I said I will still be doing 30 hours a week so it’s hardly like I will be a lady of leisure at home whilst the children are at school and whilst he works.

As it stands, he is home by 4pm most days whereas my work days means I’m not home until 6.30pm, if not a little later. This would mean that me working 5 days a week will result in me hardly getting any time in the evening with the children whereas my husband would spend every evening with them from 4pm onwards.

He also works in a school so he gets all the holidays off which again means he gets lots of quality time with them that I don’t. And one day a weekend they go out together for about 6 hours for a sport related event, so that’s more time that I’m not with them.

I said that I just want to be able to spend at least one day in the week to see my children, and to be able to collect them from school and have some quality time with them, as opposed to not getting home until an hour before their bedtime every night.

He’s just keeps pushing it though.

I said I don’t understand why, for the sake of me working 7.5 hours less than full time, he would begrudge me wanting to spend more time with the children.

I get it that if I financially hard to work full time for our family situation to be manageable then I would, but I don’t and we manage perfectly fine already, never mind after my upcoming promotion and increase in hours.

My husband is very money focused though and instead of thinking about how comfortable we already are, and will be even more come August, he just keeps saying “but think how much more money we would have if you went full time.”

His priority is money whereas mine just isn’t, especially when the children are so young.

He brings it up all the time and it usually ends up in a mini argument where we just go round in circles.

AIBU about this?

I would agree but lay down some strong rules like if the kids are poorly he has to take time off to look after them, do school runs and share the house work etc .

Bloody Hell. That's an expectation and a half. I was a SAHM when I had "children that age" and did all the domestic stuff while XH worked. I think the OP is already more than doing her bit in terms of going out to work.

I've never been convinced by the "quality time" argument with young children, either.

Your husband is being very unreasonable!

A 4 year old will still need their mother, and I'm sure you would prefer more time for pleasurable things at the weekend as opposed to laundry and housework.

Since your husband is home by 4 pm, does he do the cooking? Pick up bits of shopping when required? Keep on top of the laundry and housework? Organise the kids homework? Get the kids sorted out for bed and make the next days packed lunches?

I ask all this because I feel that if you arrived* home that early, he would expect* all that of you!

I hope you don't mind but I did some calculations for you.

Over the course of a year, your husband, as a teacher will spend ~1365 hours, physically at work (I calculated 8.30 to 3.30 over 39 weeks of the year. Breaks and lunches are not taken in to account) So your husband spends ~7 hours per working day, physically at work.

Now, you work ~8 hours per day (again, no breaks or lunches are taken in to account) over 4 days per week. Now assuming you get 4 weeks holidays per year, you are physically at work for ~ 1536 hours per year.

So, already you work ~171 hours per year more than him or alternatively, we'll call it ~21.375 days or 5.344 weeks more than him.

I would also ask him, since he's so fiscally motivated, what he will be spending your hard-earned money on. And when he says it's our money, you explain that you'll be so exhausted from working, commuting and doing all the household stuff, that you won't be interested in buying anything or shopping for pleasure but that you will resent every penny he spends of that money, because that is earned at the expense of time with your kids.

Further, tell him to get a second job at night and weekends in a bar. If he's so keen on having extra money, he has a lot more time on his hands than you do!

Good luck ❣

tell himt o get an extra job if he wants more money

bloody cheek

Legally she should get 5.6 weeks a year, that is the legal minimum.

Also remember that teacher's holidays are unpaid (after initial 40 days)! If he's so money-focused then there's a lot of earning potential he's missing out on. Aaaarrrghh men who want to take mums away from their children are a fucking big irritation to me.

Who does the housework and laundry at present.
And the family life admin?

I think so so, manysummersago ... he seems to have an agenda here that only suits him and his time with the children and not the OP who will be working more weeks than he is throughout the year.

Typical teacher thing to say... they always go on about how hard they work (I'm sure they do!) & conveniently forget that they only work for about half the year.

I'd do your 4 days whether he likes it or not tbh, especially as you work longer days and have much less holidays!

The weekday that she doesn’t work, during the holiday? When the kids are at home?

I think you pulling all resources together and funding your home from one pot means you’re less willing to earn more.

I think it’s unfair of you not to go full time. You’ll still get plenty of quality time with your children over weekends and as they get older, in the evenings.

Can you work full time over 4 days?

YANBU, I expected you to say you were working 2 days a week with teenagers or something. I think one day a week to do housework, clean, do the food shop, fit in any appointments etc is totally reasonable. Particularly if the brunt of the housework falls to you anyway (as it most often does with the woman). Tell him to sod off!

This. He’s resenting your days off when he has the same just not on the same schedule. If he wants to earn more money, he can retrain. Congratulations on your promotion. I’m glad your work values your input op.

@ancientgran
According to the calculation for the nhs on nhs.co.uk, op gets exactly 28 days including bank holidays on 30 hours.

Didn't you read that he takes the children out for six hours on one of the weekend days? And that she doesn't get home from work until 6:30 pm in the week?

I didn't go back to full time till my youngest was 8 years old.

And my own mum did about the same IIRC.

£5k a month is plenty. Enjoy your DC and a decent work-life balance.

He also takes the children on holiday alone at least three times a year IIRC.

I would be absolutely fuming that he cant see that you deserve one evening with your kids. I couldnt be with someone who treated me with such coldness OP

I don't think you read the OP's posts fully as she has addressed both these aspects.

Schools in the uk provide 360sessions which equates to 190 days. Plus 5 days for TED’s.

over the whole year you’re working an equivalent number of days; I’d just tell him that and that if he wants you to go to full time to “make things equal” then clearly he will have to get a holiday job, otherwise you will be working more days per year. Or he can STFU.

@manysummersago you've had a name change Gail

YANBU, as you say you are comfortable it isn’t like you need to work to live. It’s completely reasonable to work 30 hours a week especially as your youngest is still quite young. Was it always the plan for you to work 30 hours when your DC are still young or had you planned to go back to full time?.

My entire relationship and marriage (nearly 28 years) I've earned much more than my DH, more or less double for most of the time. He was a student, a stay at home parent and works in the NHS in a valuable but poorly paid role (which he loves). I work slightly part time and have done since DC started school - they are now at Uni. I see it all as joint income, I'm pretty sure that I spend more than him too. He works just as hard (in fact harder) but society doesn't reward his role as much as they do mine. I'd be happy for him to go part time as I do as we can afford it and to be honest, the impact on our income of him being part time is less than the impact of me being part time.

It doesn't sound like your DH has your or your DC's interests as a priority. He should try living as a single parent and see where that gets him financially.

I think he is being unreasonable here .Young children need their parents ,and being able to collect them once a week ,spend time with them and so on is invaluable .I think he is like so many men these days .Yes women want to work but also need time with DC! And tell him the chore fairy definitely doesnt exist! Talk it over while out if you can .Explain that you feel comfortable with this set up .Flexibility is a big part of working with DC.If he says about the money ,tell him that is only part of having a young family to care for.Maybe show him our comments or see if your Dad will speak to him .Do not be bullied into something you dont want to do

Hermanfromguesswho OP this my guess is overall in the year you work more hours than him, and he has more time off than you if he has school holidays off.

Think about how you frame it. You say you want more time with the kids but it reads that you will be at home 1 day per week during the school day. Could you do 5 days 6 hours a day?