Husband keeps pushing for me to go back to work full time.

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

As our family situation currently stands my husband works full time and I work 25 hours over 3 days. I dropped to 25 hours after our second son was born but I always worked full time before that.

Our two children are now aged 8 and 4. The 4 year old is due to start school this year.

Our current take home pay per month (jointly) is just under £4k which I consider to be a comfortable amount and and one we can have a nice lifestyle with.

In August I am getting a promotion and increasing my hours up to 30 hours a week and so our monthly bring home pay will increase further so up to just under £5k a month.

As it stands, my plan is for me to work 4 days a week (8 hour days) and have one day off in the middle of the week. My husband however is being really pushy about me working full time as opposed to “just working 30 hours.”

I said it will really help us with me having one day off a week because if anything untoward comes up, one of the children takes ill, appointments come up, school assemblies etc I have the option to change my days to accommodate this. I’m very lucky to have a job where I can be very flexible with my days.

I said I will still be doing 30 hours a week so it’s hardly like I will be a lady of leisure at home whilst the children are at school and whilst he works.

As it stands, he is home by 4pm most days whereas my work days means I’m not home until 6.30pm, if not a little later. This would mean that me working 5 days a week will result in me hardly getting any time in the evening with the children whereas my husband would spend every evening with them from 4pm onwards.

He also works in a school so he gets all the holidays off which again means he gets lots of quality time with them that I don’t. And one day a weekend they go out together for about 6 hours for a sport related event, so that’s more time that I’m not with them.

I said that I just want to be able to spend at least one day in the week to see my children, and to be able to collect them from school and have some quality time with them, as opposed to not getting home until an hour before their bedtime every night.

He’s just keeps pushing it though.

I said I don’t understand why, for the sake of me working 7.5 hours less than full time, he would begrudge me wanting to spend more time with the children.

I get it that if I financially hard to work full time for our family situation to be manageable then I would, but I don’t and we manage perfectly fine already, never mind after my upcoming promotion and increase in hours.

My husband is very money focused though and instead of thinking about how comfortable we already are, and will be even more come August, he just keeps saying “but think how much more money we would have if you went full time.”

His priority is money whereas mine just isn’t, especially when the children are so young.

He brings it up all the time and it usually ends up in a mini argument where we just go round in circles.

AIBU about this?

Yes didn't read the update either sorry. Still can't believe how much he was pushing considering you were almost full time anyway. My DH is able to work 4 days with his job, he still earns a decent wage, I'm definitely jealous of his 3 day weekends lol but in a happy for him way

I've be telling him to get a job didn't the school holidays then.

Glad you have found some resolution.

What a pity it was only after you were so distressed.

Your husband does not sound like a particularly nice individual.

He certainly doesn't have your back in this relationship.

I really hope you you see him a bit more clearly.

He's really no prize.

You deserve better.

Are we assuming the OPs hubby will naturally take over all the tasks: cooking, cleaning, bathtime, ironing etc if the OP works full time and is not home till 6:30 every day? Will he be doing that, did he offer, has he even thought about all those chores that magically do themselves at present. I wonder... In a world where more is regarded as better, we lose track of why we work, it's to enjoy life and try to create balance. They are comfortable, do they need more. Your children appreciate your time more than your money or what it brings, although it does create a lovely lifestyle. Life will be over before we remember all those precious times we could have had instead of working every available hour. I went from 5 days to 4 and to be honest I wish I would have done it sooner. I have enough money to live on but I'm not materialistic in any way, I prefer experiences with my circle. Work-life balance is something we all strive for, but most do not achieve. Maybe OP needs to sit down with her partner and both write a list of pros and cons, and discuss it.

So even when doing 4 days you will be out of the house 44 hours per week so much the same as him only he gets more leave!

I hope he truly absorbs the reality and starts doing more household stuff now you will both be absent from the home equal hours during term time.

Hey OP, glad you got this issue sorted.

I note he said he'd never 'make you work full time if you didnt want to'. It some point, it might be worth calmly reminding him that he won't be 'making' you do anything at all, thanks very much. But when you're calm and feeling strong - as a pp has said, you shouldn't have to cry in order for him to decide your concerns are valid.

(Also, for the next few months I'd be pointing out all the housework, life admin and childcare he's not doing because you do them on your day off and saying 'Just so you know, you'd be doing this if I had increased my hours at work.' Just so he doesn't start a little narrative in his own head about how you're only working as a nurse PT because you 'couldn't cope' w FT and starts actually recognising the huge benefits to him of your work in the home and carrying of the mental load.)

I completely agree with this! He gets more weeks off per year, dropping is weekly average hours.

If he's that money focussed he could always get a job in the 13 weeks he has free each year. If he's actually home by 4 then he's not working more than 30 hours anyway when it's averaged out over the year.

If he is home by 4pm, it doesn't sound like he is putting in a lot of post-choldren-going-home hours, as many teachers do, especially those with an eye on promotion and earning more money. He is very keen on financial gain, as long as you are the one do the extra tedium to achieve this.

His attitude to you actually makes me feel quite angry.

You're not being unreasonable. 30 hrs is still a lot and guess what? Your kids are only kids for so long. Enjoy this time with young kids. Work more when they're out of the house

Everydays, 12 hours a day.

THANKYOU!

I will do the dishes now

Hey Dragon Ballz,
You think you might find your way to a cashed life insurance policy and have a heart attack or something? Hey girl, you should tell this guy that he told me you did him and so well that you should be on blocks in the garage. Translate?

I entirely reverse you entirely

I am really bristling at the "he won't make me work full-time". Yes, it's a family decision to some extent but you are both adults. That really grates on me.

If your husband wants more money could he go for a promotion or retrain to a better paid job?

My advice would be ton work out your monthly budget including savings for holidays or whatever else you would like to think of for the future and then you’re both signed up to how you want to use your money. If you need more then the discussion is about how that might be achieved.

as an aside - as the kids get older they need you more/ differently not less. Absolutely agree with your plan to be there after school one day a week. A lot of people I work with including myself spread out 30 hours over 5 days rather than a day off so you could pick up more than once a week. Don’t know if that’s an option but worls
reallg well for me though do miss the day ‘off’ to run errands etc

Why though? If a person is earning decent money
doing less hours and has more flexibility, what reason is there for them to work an extra day?

So your husband will get a job during the school holidays then? So he’s full time too? I think you do what you want. Earning 5k a month is 60k a year. Exactly why does he need more than that? Is he thinking of buying a Ferrari? He needs to grow up to be honest. You stick to 30 hours and you see your kids. Just don’t speak to him about it again. You’re a nurse and a hero and should be respected for what you do. How dare he try and tell you what to do. You are an adult. Not his slave.

I think you should do what works for you. Do not be forced to go full time.
I would not even have the conversation with your husband anymore.

You did the right thing re working 30 hours a week. You have a day off during the week for doing things and you have flexibility if your kids are sick, have appointments ect. It important as well that you can have a few hours to call your own if you want to meet friends, shop for yourself or even to have your hair done.
Also you have time with your kids a day a week.

The reality is that if you have 2 people working full time with 1 or 2 children some thing has to give. I know people that both need to work full time to keep the mortgage and bills paid. Your in a good position that due to your earnings you don't need to do this and you can put a good amount each month into savings.

If your husband wants more money let him look into what he can do to earn this and let him work out who will mind the kids when he does this.

I know people who who have decided not to work more hours or go for job promotions because they pay more tax or the stress is not worth the extra money. In some cases they have extra benefits that they lose by working more hours.
As a friend of mine said work is part of life but it should not be your whole life.

How do you think other working parents manage the huge burden of "child related admin"?😜

I'd be interested to see the response to this seeing as dh and I work ft and manage whatever the kids need

Totally disagree. 4 days a week is fine if the OP can afford it and having a day is really useful if a child is ill, you can swap your days round, or sometimes swap for work reasons too.

As for weekends being for quality time with the kids - what about quality time for the OP?

And your kids need you more as you get older, not less. Much easier to work FT when they are pre-schoolers (if you can afford the childcare, that is).

Well I don't really want to get into another discussion about "life admin", but I didn't have much to do when I worked FT and I was able to do some of it at work as I had an office job - but then I don't see paying for the odd school trip or buying a birthday present as "life admin" anyway. But you can't do that if you are a teacher or nurse or another job where you are always on.

I still think if you can afford it it makes perfect sense to work 4 days a week.