Husband keeps pushing for me to go back to work full time.

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

As our family situation currently stands my husband works full time and I work 25 hours over 3 days. I dropped to 25 hours after our second son was born but I always worked full time before that.

Our two children are now aged 8 and 4. The 4 year old is due to start school this year.

Our current take home pay per month (jointly) is just under £4k which I consider to be a comfortable amount and and one we can have a nice lifestyle with.

In August I am getting a promotion and increasing my hours up to 30 hours a week and so our monthly bring home pay will increase further so up to just under £5k a month.

As it stands, my plan is for me to work 4 days a week (8 hour days) and have one day off in the middle of the week. My husband however is being really pushy about me working full time as opposed to “just working 30 hours.”

I said it will really help us with me having one day off a week because if anything untoward comes up, one of the children takes ill, appointments come up, school assemblies etc I have the option to change my days to accommodate this. I’m very lucky to have a job where I can be very flexible with my days.

I said I will still be doing 30 hours a week so it’s hardly like I will be a lady of leisure at home whilst the children are at school and whilst he works.

As it stands, he is home by 4pm most days whereas my work days means I’m not home until 6.30pm, if not a little later. This would mean that me working 5 days a week will result in me hardly getting any time in the evening with the children whereas my husband would spend every evening with them from 4pm onwards.

He also works in a school so he gets all the holidays off which again means he gets lots of quality time with them that I don’t. And one day a weekend they go out together for about 6 hours for a sport related event, so that’s more time that I’m not with them.

I said that I just want to be able to spend at least one day in the week to see my children, and to be able to collect them from school and have some quality time with them, as opposed to not getting home until an hour before their bedtime every night.

He’s just keeps pushing it though.

I said I don’t understand why, for the sake of me working 7.5 hours less than full time, he would begrudge me wanting to spend more time with the children.

I get it that if I financially hard to work full time for our family situation to be manageable then I would, but I don’t and we manage perfectly fine already, never mind after my upcoming promotion and increase in hours.

My husband is very money focused though and instead of thinking about how comfortable we already are, and will be even more come August, he just keeps saying “but think how much more money we would have if you went full time.”

His priority is money whereas mine just isn’t, especially when the children are so young.

He brings it up all the time and it usually ends up in a mini argument where we just go round in circles.

AIBU about this?

You really need a better argument because it's not about sending more time with the kids but having more time for yourself.

that IS a good argument

So you will only be working 120 hours a year less than him. Or 10 hours a month
But the time he doesn't work he is looking after the kids. OP wants time 38 days with 7 hours just for herself.

When does he get time neither working nor looking after the children?

that IS a good argument
No it isn't. Not when the other one doesn't get the same privilege.

As always some serious undervaluing of the 'the mental load' going on.

Women are just expected to work as if they aren't mothers and mother as if they don't work.

We need to start recognising the huge amounts of unpaid work done by women on their 'days off'

If you can afford it just work 30 hours, your children can never get back time with parents when they are small so make the most of your option to do 30 hours. Maybe offer to review it in 12 months but if you don’t need to then don’t do it

How many hours a week does your husband work? If he’s home by 4pm most days then unless you live next door to the school he must be leaving by 3:30ish? If he is working full time hours himself he must have very early starts?

I’m also surprised as a member of SLT he is able to be gone so early, in my school all teachers are contracted to work until 4:30 and those on the SLT until 5pm as many SLT meetings will take place after school.

@Poppetlove i think you need to read the ops posts. Why would they need that just because op goes back to work one day a week? Her dh is home at 4 every night.

By the time you have paid wraparound care for two kids will it be worth it for the extra day? Would you end up getting a cleaner or paid help if you work FT? If so, won't be worth it surely? I work almost FT over four days and have a child at home with me on day off. I mainly run errands and clean and take my son to a group and do the school run. Not really a great deal of fun. My OH has been insistent that I don't go back to five days so I can get a few hours to myself when they are both in school. We aren't as well off as you either. We take home around 4k(after 500 deducted for childcare vouchers) and could do with saving more money, but after taking out childcare expenses from the extra day, it seems less worth it.

I’ve been studying for an exam recently so haven’t being doing all the “stuff” I usually do in my two “days off” when the child is at school.

We have a cleaner but DH is a bit shocked about the fact that it appears that the house does not clean itself, the fridge stock itself, new shoes and school uniform do not magically appear when DD grows, the garden does need weeding and the pets sorting and dds clubs require paying for a d kit readying and her holiday childcare and play dates need arranging etc

unless your DH is going to pick up half of the above load (and half the cleaning) and figure out how to entertain the four year old when you both do jobs all weekend and take time off work for assembly’s and sports days and the like then he’s a fool

He works 7.30 - 3.30pm.

Its not your typical school which is why he is able to do that.

Anyhow, thanks for all your thoughts. Me and him are off out for dinner now as the children are with my dad so I will try and have a bit more of a calm conversation with him rather than us picking at each other under hushed breath so the children can’t hear us rowing over it.

I will let you know how it goes.

We need to start recognising the huge amounts of unpaid work done by women on their 'days off'
Why just mothers? In this instance, dad gors to work early, comes back and look after the children until OP comes home. We don't know the the division of labour is shared afterwards and weekends, so why this assumption OP does more?

OP, I am teacher (and PT) but on my time off I do the shopping, washing, cooking and various bits of cleaning. When DP and I both worked full time life was so difficult. Cleaning rarely got done, and I used holidays for all my appointments, life admin. In the holidays I picked up the slack and would cook and clean and shop like a Stepford wife along with all the childcare. With me being PT, we have the space at weekends and occasional evenings to relax and not stress.

Being PT benefits us all.

I suggest you say to your husband that yes you will go full time but he has to pick up the slack in all school holidays, evenings and takes his fair share of days off when DC are ill. You could also suggest a cleaner and the money for this comes from your shared account. I think he will be less than eager for you to return FT.

Is there a particular big spend he's wanting you both to save towards, i.e. bigger house/extension in the near future or kids uni funds etc? Do you save a decent amount currently or are you comfortable but not saving?

My DH and I are in a similar position except I earn the same as him whilst working PT as I used to be the main earner. We've got house renovations to pay for and a toddler DD. We considered how it would work with me doing extra days, and him doing the same or reducing to match me (currently 4 days pw).... by the time i worked out how much cleaning and house stuff I get done in the day off (scheduling quotes and letting trades in etc) then DDs appointments and time off for being ill etc, plus additional commute and tax, it genuinely just isn't worth it. We'd also have less time to meal prep and batch cook etc so would end up spending more on takeaways and convenience foods. Once you factor it all in, as well as considering his additional workload to pick up slack, you'd then need to see if it's worth it. It's not just as simple as work more, earn more.

If you have a big savings goal, maybe look at finances and see where you can cut back and save more first?

I agree the childhood years are to be enjoyed and pass very quickly!

I agree- it sounds as if ops dh does a lot of childcare and meal prep (as he works from 7:30 to 3:30). Op wants a day off a week when the children will be at school. That’s fair enough but it doesn’t really equate to op doing “huge amounts of unpaid labour”.

Why though? You’re not a ‘better’ person for working full time. It doesn’t give you more life brownie points.
If you are financially comfortable, why does it matter?

Tell him if he wants more money he can do another job in the school holidays, let that eat into his time with the dc's

He is being unreasonable!
I bet he would still expect the other chores to be done too ( I'd put money on) plus 30 hours a week is full time ( in my book anyway)
Your doing more than enough
He sounds awful

As it stands, he is home by 4pm most days whereas my work days means I’m not home until 6.30pm, if not a little later

^

A. What does he do between 4pm and 6.30pm?
B. I guess you commute?

Yeah, I'd then ask him to get a job in the holidays at a school holiday club or some such so he doesn't spend the 13 weeks a year not working ! I bet he wouldn't be keen on that idea somehow
Or go to the hobbies with him at weekends
He sounds very nasty and just money mad too :( which isn't good.
He is being so unreasonable.

You've mentioned he cooks 3 days a week but what else does he do. Are you doing everything else eg laundry, cleaning etc on your day off?

It's interesting now that it's the 'norm' for women to work that many partners use the excuse of earning more money to get their wives/girlfriends to go full time. When the question of sharing the wife work is then raised the excuse is that they earn more therefore their job is more important and they shouldn't have to step up.

It's hard to tell from the OP what the actual setup re this all is.

Until society can move away from value being put on what someone earns rather than the fact the work full time, part time, volunteering it's going to continue to be difficult to move on and women will continue to be expected to do more and more.

Stick to your guns OP however if it's proves impossible make sure all chores are absolutely 50/50. I made it clear to DP that I was happy to go back full time but it would mean 50/50 and he knew exactly what I meant do surprise surprise we agreed I would stick to part time, which I love.

When does he get time neither working nor looking after the children?

He gets the weekday she doesn't work, every time it falls in the holiday. Presumably they can share the weekends so they each get downtime.

The OP says she wants the weekday off to be able to cover illness, sport days, other things the kids need. Which he simply cannot do as he works in a school. It's not like they can share this.

Do what YOU want. It's your life. Yes, you are in a partnership with him but NOT a dictatorship. I used to earn more than my husband. I went part time to care for our son and now earn less. I Will not be returning to full time until our son is at the end of high school. Your children will never care how much money you have, but they will always care that mum was there for them. Don't be bullied.

Did she say 'just for herself'?

Do you think she's really just going to go out for lunch or cocktails? Or do you think she'll do all the usual domestic duties so that she hasn't got to do them when he swans off with the children on Saturdays?

But he's not asking to go part time himself. If he's jealous, then he needs to look at his own job, not hers.

I think he is trying to push you out of the family tbh.