Husband keeps pushing for me to go back to work full time.

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

As our family situation currently stands my husband works full time and I work 25 hours over 3 days. I dropped to 25 hours after our second son was born but I always worked full time before that.

Our two children are now aged 8 and 4. The 4 year old is due to start school this year.

Our current take home pay per month (jointly) is just under £4k which I consider to be a comfortable amount and and one we can have a nice lifestyle with.

In August I am getting a promotion and increasing my hours up to 30 hours a week and so our monthly bring home pay will increase further so up to just under £5k a month.

As it stands, my plan is for me to work 4 days a week (8 hour days) and have one day off in the middle of the week. My husband however is being really pushy about me working full time as opposed to “just working 30 hours.”

I said it will really help us with me having one day off a week because if anything untoward comes up, one of the children takes ill, appointments come up, school assemblies etc I have the option to change my days to accommodate this. I’m very lucky to have a job where I can be very flexible with my days.

I said I will still be doing 30 hours a week so it’s hardly like I will be a lady of leisure at home whilst the children are at school and whilst he works.

As it stands, he is home by 4pm most days whereas my work days means I’m not home until 6.30pm, if not a little later. This would mean that me working 5 days a week will result in me hardly getting any time in the evening with the children whereas my husband would spend every evening with them from 4pm onwards.

He also works in a school so he gets all the holidays off which again means he gets lots of quality time with them that I don’t. And one day a weekend they go out together for about 6 hours for a sport related event, so that’s more time that I’m not with them.

I said that I just want to be able to spend at least one day in the week to see my children, and to be able to collect them from school and have some quality time with them, as opposed to not getting home until an hour before their bedtime every night.

He’s just keeps pushing it though.

I said I don’t understand why, for the sake of me working 7.5 hours less than full time, he would begrudge me wanting to spend more time with the children.

I get it that if I financially hard to work full time for our family situation to be manageable then I would, but I don’t and we manage perfectly fine already, never mind after my upcoming promotion and increase in hours.

My husband is very money focused though and instead of thinking about how comfortable we already are, and will be even more come August, he just keeps saying “but think how much more money we would have if you went full time.”

His priority is money whereas mine just isn’t, especially when the children are so young.

He brings it up all the time and it usually ends up in a mini argument where we just go round in circles.

AIBU about this?

YANBU OP. One day a week to be able to collect your children from school and have an evening with them is not in any way wanting time for just yourself. As pp have pointed out, when the hours out of the home are worked out, the difference is negligible. I am suspicious that your husband is trying to exclude you from family life and I would wonder what his end game is here. You never get these years back and you can easily increase your hours when they are older. I retired at 60 due to ill health, then one of my children died suddenly.
Believe me, I have never looked back and wished I had worked more.
I would rather have done without material things and had more time with my children.

I think I'd be pretty peed off if I was working full time or doing childcare year round and my partner expected to have a full day a week to themselves. It's only fair if both of you have that option and, if you can swing that, I think it's a great shout.

That said, the sports thing is a problem. Can you go along too or they cut back to every other week so you do the other one with them?

30 hours is great when kids are in primary.
Tell him you will think about FT when they are in secondary

I think he is being twisted. My husband works full time (around 50 hours) and I stay home with the kids ( i did work full time, then part time, then we realised we paid more in childcare than it was worth). He doesn't resent me, he is quite happy that we don't now have to stress about childcare or someone being around if the kids need to come home from school etc.

I think you are doing more than your fair share, considering he will get holidays with the kids and you won't! I would sit down and work that out, exactly how much time it works out that you get via what he gets over the year. Is it the time or the money he has issue with?

I did go back to work full time as the kids got older .DH also a teacher but definitely not working your DH hours. I did 25 hours till the youngest was year 4 then 30 till end of primary increasing to 37.5 then also NHS . Even now I do 4 longer days and finish lunchtime Friday ( which I'm very lucky to be able to do). Before I went back FT it was with the agreement we had a cleaner and did on line shopping. Also that he would do meal prep 3 times a week and half the kids club runs on evenings and weekends. I wouldn't have done this with primary kids. Sit him down and ask him how may kid sick days he can cover, doctors appt ect. If he will do half the cleaning or are.you getting a cleaner so approx 40 to 45 pounds weekly. I assume you travel to work.and what about wrap around child care costs. I assume finishing at 4pm he can't do pick up or probably drop off. Check how he's planning to do play dates and if he's considered the household admin. Which bits is he doing ? Be very clear full time hours means fully equal split of household jobs and all emergencies. The I'm a teacher I can't do it quote isn't going to work. Also can you actually get the extra hours? It maybe cheaper for you not to go FT😉

He's not thinking practically. If you go back full time, the expenses of doing so, in after school care, commute times and the inevitable expenditures of being too knackered to cook/needing a cleaner etc could easily outweigh the extra income. He also needs to think hard about what money represents to him, because if it is success - what is success? And can it be measured in other ways, like having lower stress, more family time, a closer connection with your children and spouse, etc etc. Money as a goal in itself is pretty shallow, once you get beyond the provision of necessities and a few comforts. If you are stable financially then time is the most precious commodity, along with health.

It is also worth remembering that if you do increase your income you might easily be paying the whole increase straight back to the taxman.

I agree with you on this. You have stated you don’t need the extra money just that your husband thinks it would be nice. Well, you think it would be nice to have some time with your children, and as others said you will likely do household things in some of that time so it benefits everyone. I don’t think your wishes should be discounted because you could earn more, you are nearly full time anyway and the children will not be small forever. If you were not making ends meet, it would be different.

I don’t think this man actually gives a shit about money, practicalities or “sit him downs”.

He has an agenda here and that agenda is to move the OP to the periphery of family life.

He goes out for the day on Saturdays with the kids and without his wife.

He goes on several holidays a year with the kids and without his wife.

He doesn’t want his wife to work part time and see the children.

Regardless of how special this special school is it’s still unusual in the extreme to be home by 4 every day. I live 15 minutes from school and I still only make it home for then, if only because traffic at end of school day is dreadful.

It is all a bit odd and I don’t think it’s to do with money at all.

Who does the house stuff? The mental load? The organising and bill paying?
is that split?
does he do it?
to me that should count towards your ‘working’ hours.
having Said that I have gone full time because my DP was so resentful of my working 4 days even though I do most of the mental load type stuff too…

I worked 9 to 3 at this stage no way could OH do school runs. Didn't do housework, cooking, or much gardening. You read on here about nursery costs, cleaner costs. Working full time does have hidden costs. Has he thought of that

I agree with this.

Really?? I think her husband is being unreasonable, she is doing 30 hours so hardly sat at home every day ! One day is perfect to get house jobs done, food shop etc

your proposed work hours sound like a brilliant idea. Being a working parent is busy enough, regardless of whether you are ft or pt. The more people taking steps to create balance over earning more the happier people will be imo

Oh dear, what a sad attitude

I bet if you work his contracted hours out annually v yours you are working more as he gets 7 or 8 weeks extra hols over usual job.
No doubt he pulls the I work in a school can’t book a day off so your leave will need to cover Appointments, sports day etc.
I used to work 4 with weds off and my quality of life is much worse now I’m 5 days. I’m not convinced money is massively different eg you spend more on cleaner or food as less time to prep. I’ve put a stone on so am shelling out for gym v I used to go for a free long hike on a weds.
If you can one option is to buy leave so you are on more leave and can book some days off.

Don't talk rubbish. You sound like you have zero idea of the realities of teaching. Quite a bit of that going on in this thread, tbh.

Sounds to me like it would be worth comparing how many work days you each do in a full year?

Might be that he is the part timer!

I’m assuming he’s a teacher. Therefore he is paid for working 195 days a year. You will be paid for working 208 days per year but some of this will be holidays. If you get 6 week’s holidays, that’s 24 days fewer - 184 days. So actually, you will only be working 11 days a year less than him.
suggest to him that he finds a job to do in the school holidays if he’s so bothered about earning more money.

In my household we both work equal hours. No iffs no buts. I'm not subsidising someone to do less paid employment. It's also why I refuse to marry I legally can't enforce that so don't want to provide the safety net for someone to unilaterally decide to only work part time and be able to talk half of our assets if they don't agree. This is equality in my book equal work and no having children doesn't mean you can't work full time if this was what was agreed pre children.

Wish people would RTFT.

It's been suggested a gazillion times that her working hours balance his when spread out across the whole year.

He is being unreasonable. I don't doubt you do more care and domestic labour. And anyway, who made him god? Just ignore. Some people nag until they get what they want.

Interestingly I just read this post out to my husband: ‘oh he just wants her out of the house when he’s going to be home on the holidays.’ I thought that was an interesting perspective?

Because your dh gets the early evenings and holidays with you DC, I think you working 4 days a week is perfectly fair.