Husband keeps pushing for me to go back to work full time.

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

As our family situation currently stands my husband works full time and I work 25 hours over 3 days. I dropped to 25 hours after our second son was born but I always worked full time before that.

Our two children are now aged 8 and 4. The 4 year old is due to start school this year.

Our current take home pay per month (jointly) is just under £4k which I consider to be a comfortable amount and and one we can have a nice lifestyle with.

In August I am getting a promotion and increasing my hours up to 30 hours a week and so our monthly bring home pay will increase further so up to just under £5k a month.

As it stands, my plan is for me to work 4 days a week (8 hour days) and have one day off in the middle of the week. My husband however is being really pushy about me working full time as opposed to “just working 30 hours.”

I said it will really help us with me having one day off a week because if anything untoward comes up, one of the children takes ill, appointments come up, school assemblies etc I have the option to change my days to accommodate this. I’m very lucky to have a job where I can be very flexible with my days.

I said I will still be doing 30 hours a week so it’s hardly like I will be a lady of leisure at home whilst the children are at school and whilst he works.

As it stands, he is home by 4pm most days whereas my work days means I’m not home until 6.30pm, if not a little later. This would mean that me working 5 days a week will result in me hardly getting any time in the evening with the children whereas my husband would spend every evening with them from 4pm onwards.

He also works in a school so he gets all the holidays off which again means he gets lots of quality time with them that I don’t. And one day a weekend they go out together for about 6 hours for a sport related event, so that’s more time that I’m not with them.

I said that I just want to be able to spend at least one day in the week to see my children, and to be able to collect them from school and have some quality time with them, as opposed to not getting home until an hour before their bedtime every night.

He’s just keeps pushing it though.

I said I don’t understand why, for the sake of me working 7.5 hours less than full time, he would begrudge me wanting to spend more time with the children.

I get it that if I financially hard to work full time for our family situation to be manageable then I would, but I don’t and we manage perfectly fine already, never mind after my upcoming promotion and increase in hours.

My husband is very money focused though and instead of thinking about how comfortable we already are, and will be even more come August, he just keeps saying “but think how much more money we would have if you went full time.”

His priority is money whereas mine just isn’t, especially when the children are so young.

He brings it up all the time and it usually ends up in a mini argument where we just go round in circles.

AIBU about this?

OMG it frustrates the hell out of me when people cba to read the full thread but still think they have the right to talk down to others. The OP said her OH works in a job which is unusual in it's boundaried hours. Teaching is a part-time job. In many teaching jobs the extra work means it becomes effectively not. If you think the OP OH should someone be seen as working more hours than he does just by dint of the fact that many teachers do then it is not me who is talking rubbish.

Op, my OH works what sounds a similar role to yours. As in its in a non mainstream school where it is the norm not to work any hours outside of school (aka finishes at 3.30 every day and no work during holidays). So I completely understand the set up he has and its a great balance. You wouldn't have that balance if you worked full time, and over the course of the year taking into account the holidays you would be working more hours than him for less pay AND less time with the kids. I think you need to put your foot down and say no to full time, that your "day off" in the week is equivalent to him getting those extra hours off at weekends and holidays and makes it fair.

Stick to your guns OP and don’t be bullied into working full time. The four day week sounds brilliant to me and you will have a much happier life. You clearly earn enough money between you both to enjoy yourselves and provide well for your family. I can’t understand why your husband doesn’t want you to do what’s clearly going to give you so much more happiness? I love the idea of you being able to be flexible in your work which will allow you to do things like see your little ones in school performances and be with them if they are unwell. Don’t give in on this one.

This is one of the reasons why women often take up teaching as a career so that they can have the benefits of the earlier finish, the holidays etc. You chose a career that has some flexibility but it's not enough for you if you work full-time. You are hardly on a mega income with a nurse and a teacher so i can see where he is coming from. I wonder if this was reversed and it was a husband who didn't want to work full time if there would be the same amount of sympathetic messages? Regardless you do need to sort this out or it could be something that is brought up in the future in less favourable circumstances.

Your husband should not underestimate the flexibility needed when you have young children. You can flex your day off to accommodate school events, medical appointments, dental appointments, illnesses. He won't be able to take time off during school term time.

I would ask why you need the extra money so much to the detriment of your mental wellbeing.

Ask him to specifically tell you why the money is worth more.

He may have a valid reason. So hear him out.

I’m a teacher and my husband is full time. I’m mindful of the luxury I have with the holidays off. I tend to do more in the holidays so he finds these times less full on than usual weeks.
life is short, I think he’s being shortsighted. Being a nurse must be full on.

I have RFTF, thanks, and it frustrates the hell out of me when people decide to twist the facts to suit their own prejudices.

The OP clearly states at the beginning of her first post that her husband works full time. The fact that you choose to see teaching and related jobs as part time simply because of how the work is patterned is irrelevant, because you're simply wrong, and tbh your arrogance in stating 'teaching is a part-time job' is pretty breathtaking.

I'm going to ask you again: do you, or does anyone you're close to, have any personal experience of the realities of teaching?

Put your foot down OP. I agree I think he's jealous but he's not seeing the bigger picture which is that the day 'off' will be used to take the burden off evenings and weekends by doing life admin. I currently work 3dpw as I have very young children but we have agreed I will only go back to 4 dpw when our youngest is off to school for the exact reasons that you intend to. It's a no brainer IMO.

It's amazing how sahm always shout here that they do a FT job looking after the kids and home.

Here is a man who works and sirs his share of housework and looking after the kids, yet somehow, he is not doing much and it's fair that OP should have 7 hours for herself.

The whole doing housework, taking kids to appts, and the rest is such a lot of excuses, it's laughable. Appts are a rare events and certainly no guaranty that only Wednesdays can be offered.

The reality is that you can do whatever extra housework and whatever else in ine hour if you get on with it and have 6 hours for yourself.

He is no fool that that's what OP wants. It's only because this is mn, where women are supposedly slaves doing everything at home and with the kids whilst men do he strict minimum that posters think he is unreasonable. In real life, many men, especially those in teaching roles do a lot with their kids and sometimes even more than their wives at home.

Both should have equal genuine time for themselves, that is without chores or looking after kids, that's the only thing that is fair.

I worked PT once my children were born & then gave up altogether as we had no childcare during holidays, once I told husband how much daily care costs he was more than happy for me not to work!

Same here. I only work 14 hours a week even though my daughter is now at school. I’m under no pressure whatsoever to increase my hours. Our take home household income is about the same as yours OP.

He’s being very shortsighted here.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

We did make some progress in that I have said I will just do the 30 hours now but will review it in 12-18 months.

My mum worked full time when I was young (she had no other option) and I hate it that she couldn’t be around more and I always said that if possible, I wouldn’t want the same for my own children. DH has always been on board with this and me working part time has never been an issue up until now. He sees it as though now the children are at home, because he works full time then so should I.

I’ve gone through all the sensibilities that have been raised on here regarding on how much it will impact on my time with the children if I went full time and that it’s not a sacrifice I want to make. I said I don’t think it’s too much to ask to just want to spend one evening a week with my children.

My husband is very fortunate with his job. There are aspects of the job that he doesn’t much enjoy but he says that for the quality of family life it allows (his early finishes) the rubbish bits are worth it.

As for the sports thing on a Saturday I would never stop that as it’s something they all enjoy doing together. I knew that having sons would undoubtedly leave me on the sidelines a little when it came to hobbies and activities outside of school. My husband is very into his sport and so the children are too purely just from being bought up in the sporting environment.

So yes - a compromise of sorts has been reached for now.

My post meant to say that my DH thinks that now our children are at school I should work full time.

This throws up some red flags for me. It feels like he is pushing you aside from your children's lives. Just tell him that you aren't going to miss out on your children growing up and the children aren't going to miss out on their mum being around. End of discussion.
If he still pushes it there's something wrong.

Why though - has he said why he thinks this rather than just cos.

Because there are lots of reasons why the working 4 days works for you and the children - and it would need more I think than that

Why though - has he said why he thinks this rather than just cos.

He wants me to go back so our family income is higher than it is. It’s purely money driven.

He isn’t listening to you, so write it down in an email saying that the conversation is going round in circles and becoming stressful for both of you, so here are the reasons why you have decided you will not work full time until the children are old enough to stay home alone when ill, and please could he refer to the facts in this email instead of bringing it up again in future.

He’s a greedy CF if he gets school
holidays off, never looks after sick kids when they’re off school, yet is unhappy with your hours.

Tell him that the bottom line is that YOU run your career, not him. If he says ‘think how much more moneg we could have’ remind him how much more money the family would have if he quit the public sector and got a job at a bank. Doesn’t want to do that though does he. Might mean he doesn’t get such long holidays.

Could you even do your new role following promotion full time?
Surely they will have budgeted for you doing 30 hours a week.

In which case you can say to him that you will work full time but by effectively demoting yourself you will be x amount worse off a week. How would he plan to cover that?

30 hours in a role you're clearly doing well in is an excellent balance between full and part time. You're doing more than your share.

He sounds very pushy. My DH wouldn't dream of telling me what to do, let alone in matters of my career, and I can't imagine doing anything other than laughing in his face if he tried.

Stick to your guns and refuse to discuss it further. Your career is your business, not his. He's revealing something very unpleasant about himself. It'll be interesting to see if he fully reveals it soon.

I'd suggest you agree to revisit the arrangements when the youngest goes to high school.
But he has quality down time with them in the holidays. He has no idea how relentless a non term time 5 day week job is - and yanbu to want some quality time to be an after school mum once a week while they are young!

11 days a year less but her hours are longer I think?

Could you even do your new role following promotion full time? Surely they will have budgeted for you doing 30 hours a week.

When they advertised the job it was for 25 hours as that was the amount of hours I was already working as a staff nurse. The job was ear marked for me and at the time they knew, that due to health issues, I wouldn’t have been able to commit to more than 25 hours.

Although I currently do the role in 25 hours, the job easily requires me to be at work more often for the role to be fulfilled to the best quality.

A month or so ago my two Matrons had a meeting with me about job progression and the topic of increasing hours arose. They basically said, “How many hours would you like to do?”

I said I would be happy to work 30 hours, I then told my husband about the conversation when I got home and that is where it all began.

I’ve read all the thread, hate to say it but I agree with the posters saying there’s something not quite right with his attitude & insistence around this.

His issue with your working hours feels quite sinister & doesn’t feel to me to be about just ££. If you were my friend I’d be advising caution.