AIBU to have not really enjoyed city break with DS and DC?

[Greyblueskies]

Namechanged for this as I feel weirdly embarrassed.

We just came back from a few days in a European city. We didn't pack the days with tons of cultural stuff that I would typically have liked to do - aware that DS is only 12. I tried to think of all our needs, and book stuff that would appeal.

And yet; DS was such a pain so much of the time. Always on about what he wanted (usually something sugary), or moaning about walking or doing other stuff. It was a real downer. And I'm embarrassed that I lost my sh*t a couple of times because I felt so resentful because we were really making sure his needs were met. And I'd like to think as grown ups, we're a good laugh - we're not 'stiff'.

We always made up, 'reset' and moved on but have come back feeling sad about it - sad that I have one DS, and thinking it might be better if he'd got siblings whilst away- but also sad that I reacted and couldn't just accept things when they got bad. And sad that really, it wasn't that much fun. Not for the cost, anyway.

Have I expected too much?

Its hard to say without knowing exactly what you did do whilst away, but I think a cultural city break won’t appeal much to a 12 year old - as a generalisation they do tend to hate walking, museums etc and yes they probably would just prefer to eat their way round the city

Where did you go? What things did you do? We need more of an itinerary to judge.

My 11yo DS would not enjoy being dragged around a city, walking for hours and going to museums etc..

I dont want to 'out' where we went. But to say, we did a mix of things. only one museum. One big landmark that all kids love. A beautiful park. Only one 'nice' restaurant in the evening. Lots of metro (he didn't want to walk as much). I don't think we did drag him or expect too much. We didn't make 2 of the galleries I'd booked, as I knew it was too much.

It wasn't his thing, he didn't enjoy it. Leave him with grandparents next time. Move on, it really isn't relationship destroying to have quarrelled a few times on holiday.

In my experience having a sibling wouldn't have made a bit of difference. It would just mean you would have more than one DC moaning at you!
We've just returned from a city break and we won't be doing another anytime soon.

What a shame, we've just been to Athens and my DS (13) loved all the cultural stuff - DP was the one who got bored and just wanted to eat.

Obviously not your DS's thing - but other posters do seem to generalise about young people, walking and museums!

I think you were a bit too optimistic tbh. A city break is not much fun for a 12yo at all for the most part, coupled with the fact he didn't really have a companion (it's not really the same having your 2 parents at that age). I would have found it pretty dull too. What kind if things did you do to try and make it enjoyable for him?

Do you have relatives he could stay with next time you plan that kind of trip? 12yo is plenty old enough to stay with grandparents, aunt, etc. for a few nights. Or you could let him bring a friend or cousin?

My DC would have enjoyed all that but it’s really down to the individual kid. Have you done that sort of trip before? Do you think it would help to involve your DS in the planning?

You have my sympathy as it’s miserable when you’ve tried to arrange something nice and a child just complains. What I’ve found that’s a bit odd is that, when we’ve had a similar experience (DC moaning a lot about an outing) afterwards they often have really nice memories of it and talk about it as something they enjoyed, despite complaining at the time!

My ds who's just turned 13 would have really enjoyed a city break like that, as would dd age 16. Either of them wouldn't have had such a good time without the other - but they are used to having holidays with with each other. Did he expect to enjoy it? Was he keen on the idea of a city break, and did he know in advance what kind of stuff you were going to be doing there?

He was really up for it, he wanted to come (we had planned to go alone).

When you say he was always on about what he wanted (sugary things) - what was he allowed?

When we went on holiday - usually France - and I was that age I was allowed a fairly free reign - so usually ended up having pastries for breakfast and a cake at some point and often an ice cream too if we were near an ice cream shop. Obviously he shouldn't go on about it, but if he's somewhere full of treats I can understand it might be hard for him to stay quiet if he isn't getting any (or if there aren't clear boundaries over what he can expect?).

Doesn't solve the walking thing though, or the museum thing.

We’ve been on two city breaks in the last few months with DC aged 12 and 9 and they were sceptical before we went but absolutely loved it both times. We did museums but with the family quest type audio guides so they had little missions to accomplish, looking out for specific paintings etc. We planned the first one without much of their input but for the second one, they chose some of the places we went to which was lovely. We did factor in quite a lot of rest time between our morning and afternoon/evening activities which seemed to help a lot.

Welcome to holidays with teens

Never happy They take all the fun out of it

Sorry op. Get a grandparent to stay next time or resign yourself to rubbish hols for the next 5 years till they can be left alone or go with mates.

I'm in it and it's shit.

Yanbu and don’t sweat the sibling thing. That’s just all the same issues x 2! In time you will forget the arguments and remember the things you saw together and so will he.

It sounds like you planned well but he just didn't enjoy it - that's life sometimes. He's a lucky kid to have had the opportunity. Now you know not to take him again - at least until he's older.

My 3 insist they love cities but when we've done day trips to cities there has still been a fair bit of moaning going on, despite us making sure we plan it around them.

Its a shame for you, and even though he seemed keen, I think maybe your expectations were probably a bit high?
I know my children (13 and 16) would hate the idea of art galleries, museums and walking and it would more likely be they would be trudging around and wingeing like mad about it.
mom waiting until they are older and I can leave the oldest and youngest will stay with her grandma for a couple of days.

Holidays with young teens can be reallly challenging, I think back to when I was a teenager and hated going on 'family holidays'. No doubt lots of mumsnetters will come on now to say their DC love spending time with them, city breaks, youth hosteling, whatever .
we had a couple of 'difficult' holidays when our DS was around that age ... so we ditched 'family trips' and did short breaks just DH and DS or DS and I ... seemed to work better. Or sent DS on a PGL or school trip type holiday
But they come round ... only last night our DS (now 21) asked if we could have a family camping trip 'like the old days' !!

He is a preteen sometimes it makes them self centred.
Would you consider somewhere more relaxing inviting a friend to join him?
My DD age 13 would moan and grumble on a city trip too.

A sibling isn't the answer. I have one that rolls her eyes at anything cultural, and wants a pool holiday, and another that is currently insisting that if we book a pool holiday she won't come and wants a city break. Ingrates, the pair of them.

I remember my parents taking me on similar holidays and I hated it, even though I was excited about the idea at first.

Did you let him choose any of the days out or the restaurants or the activities? I think that makes a difference. So in the morning you pick something, then DH picks the place for lunch, then DS picks the afternoon activity - then swap it around the next day.

I think at 12 they want some autonomy and independence but they don't really get it on a foreign holiday with their parents so they just get sullen

He had a lot of sugar! I did not restrict. Pastry for breakfast. Chocolate. Ice cream. Cakes. Honestly - he was not denied.

Anyway, thanks all. I feel like shit about it but I guess it will just fade. I know re: siblings 'could' mean 2 x complaining but it brings up so much guilt for me. We have often gone on holiday with friends, I've got an open house policy at home - he really doesn't want for company - but it makes me sad that this might be affecting a few days away in just our company. Unless you have just the one DC, you won't understand the feeling.

I’ve been there with mixed results!
took both ds’s away with grandparents, 16 + 11. 16 yr old hid in his room a lot of the time and rally wished he’d stayed at home as he was missing out on parties. 11 yr old was ok.
last year we went to the Isle of Wight. Eldest stayed at home -19. Took my ds 14 - he loved it, like you we arranged fun things for him to do coupled with the more boring stuff I thought he’d not enjoy but he really loved it - especially osbourne house!
I think it depends on the child, where you go and their overall attitude. But for the future - give him the option of staying with grandparents or family/friends or coming with you but make sure to tell them to leave their bad behaviour and attitude at home!

I remember being an absolute nightmare as a teen on a holiday. It was partly as my parents never stopped to ask if there's anything I'd like to do. It sounds like you've been really considerate though.

having a sibling wouldn't have made a bit of difference. It would just mean you would have more than one DC moaning at you!
👍 100%.

He obviously wasnt happy . Theres a few ways to address that...

In a few days time ask him about the trip and how you (as a family) can do better next time. Say next holiday you want to qork together and sorry you didnt get it quite right for everyone this time.

involve him in the planning. Both before and on the day. If he says he's tired/legs are tired - say "oooh theres a cafe we can go to over there/in 10minutes/at the end of the trail."

Acknowledge his needs/feelings and try and respond to them.

He wants sugary things - either give him a sweet treats budget or say "we can have 2 a day." When you get the "I want an ice cream" - you can say "oh yes they do look good! Is this one of todays treats or might you want one later?." (Tbh one of kids favourite things is an ice cream out and we make sure she gets one most days on holiday. She tells us about her trips around which ice creamnit was 😁.The other isnt fussed at all. Youngest likes little souvenir tatt and rather saves up for something special. We give them both a budget enough for a treat a day and some spending money)

I think at 12+ its very different to a toddler who just comes along with you, it helps to give them agency - they need to feel valued and that they have a voice too. If you'd gone with a friend would you have ignored their requests to stop /get a snack?

Also if someone took you and you didnt want to do all the planned excursions/you were tired you'd say wouldnt you? He is becoming a youbg adult and if you value his opinion it wil lbe a lot easier as he grows up.