AIBU to have not really enjoyed city break with DS and DC?

[Greyblueskies]

Namechanged for this as I feel weirdly embarrassed.

We just came back from a few days in a European city. We didn't pack the days with tons of cultural stuff that I would typically have liked to do - aware that DS is only 12. I tried to think of all our needs, and book stuff that would appeal.

And yet; DS was such a pain so much of the time. Always on about what he wanted (usually something sugary), or moaning about walking or doing other stuff. It was a real downer. And I'm embarrassed that I lost my sh*t a couple of times because I felt so resentful because we were really making sure his needs were met. And I'd like to think as grown ups, we're a good laugh - we're not 'stiff'.

We always made up, 'reset' and moved on but have come back feeling sad about it - sad that I have one DS, and thinking it might be better if he'd got siblings whilst away- but also sad that I reacted and couldn't just accept things when they got bad. And sad that really, it wasn't that much fun. Not for the cost, anyway.

Have I expected too much?

It’s Mumsnet op, everyone is an expert.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
I have a DD, only child, and she has always preferred a city break type of holiday to any other. The kind of holiday you like is a personal thing.
That said, some of the behaviour you describe sounds a bit spoiled and stroppy. And at 12 he's old enough to be told that that hurt you.

Sorry for the tone of my OP. It wasn't meant to come across like that - but rather be helpful for next time. Sorry it wasn't. Trips with teenagers can be tough!

My two teens loved Rome- loved it.

In a few days time ask him about the trip and how you (as a family) can do better next time. Say next holiday you want to qork together and sorry you didnt get it quite right for everyone this time.

fuck that!!!

apologising to a child for taking them on a wonderful holiday but they decided to strop and sulk because their parents had that temerity to make them walk for a bit what kind of brats do we want the next generation to be?!

sounds like the OP took her son to Disneyland Paris, and you think she needs to apologise to him 😂😂you’ve got to be pulling our leg?!

My DD15 has been asking for a couple of years to go on a city break with us. The problem is she loses interest immediately when it’s not about her or what she wants to do. We’ve visited places in the UK and she’s okay for a couple of hours and then gets moody when she’s had enough.
I’ve told her that I’m not spending lots of money to take her places if she will be just like that when we’re away.

I have 2 DC and they both moan at me on holiday. It's just what kids do, isn't it? Even if we do something they choose they still find something to maon about.

The only thing we did like that which the kids enjoyed was Pompei and Naples. Had a private tour of Pompei with a guide that was geared towards little kids. Then ate loads of pizza and gelato in Naples.

Only other advice is to look at cities with beach resorts nearby. Most kids love the beach and you can day trip into the city maybe on one day or in the mornings then they can let off steam on the beach in the afternoon. Good for this are Barcelona, Nice, Palermo, Venice.

Maybe you're making it too much about him and he's feeling the pressure?! Sounds like you're trying a bit too hard but it's not necessarily what he wants. 12 year olds generally do moan though it's just in the nature of many and you'll probably find on reflection he did have a good time. Consider taking a friend next time. I'm not an only child but my siblings are significantly older so often weren't present on trips when I was aged 10+. It was boring even though like you my parents were/are pretty fun and laid back. We generally always took a friend for that reason.

We 'did' Paris when DD2 was 10 (& DD1 was 15). We very much tailored it around what DD2 would cope with. So one 'cultural' thing per day, plus one other more relaxing activity. When we did the Louvre we had a hit list of 10 things to see and we focused on them. Only DD1 and I went into the Monet place while DH looked after DD2 outside in the sunshine.

OP, it is disappointing your DS moaned, but these things happen. He'll grow up anyway and another time you can make adjustments to make it easier on all of you.

We took ds2 abroad when he was 15. For 2 whole weeks.

it was tortuous some of the time for all of us. One day he sat on the beach (the nicest beach I’ve ever been to) wearing jeans, trainers etc under a parasol watching films.

the only things he enjoyed were markets, food and animals ie boat trip to see dolphins. Some days we just left him in the apartment (he had a key so could do what he wanted).

i honestly wonder why we bother sometimes. But then I remember being pretty obnoxious as a teen and that in between faze of between child and adult.

my favorite saying about teens is ‘you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink’.

Having just got back from Rome with DD14 (also an only), I feel your pain! I had scaled things back so we weren't doing early starts and were back to the hotel by 4pm each day, but there was still a fair amount of moaning.

She smiled 3 times - when we bought gelato, went to McDonald's for lunch and walked into St Peter's Square where we took photos of each other and spotted different breeds of dogs!

I just think teens don't like doing anything that isn't on their terms, they are a selfish breed. It's a tricky few years to navigate but friends with older teens tell me they do come out the other side ok.

My DD2, mentioned above, is now 17. She recently said she'd just realised how many educational/cultural things I'd sneaked in over the years. I think she was quite pleased really.

@Greyblueskies
Tbh,it sounds as though his needs are always central and that perhaps he's never had to consider anyone else's needs, so maybe that is where the focus needs to be moving forward? For his own benefit if he's to become a rounded individual.

I'm a lone parent and have quite obviously been child centred. But I do drop in that I also have needs and wishes, pointing out when they're whinging/being unreasonable /selfish and not considerate of my very few needs/wishes/wants.

I'd say that atm, this has paid off for me versus a sibling who hasn't taken this approach and has repetitive events like you've outlined.

It is hard to say unless you share where you went. If it was Madrid and the Retiro Park then I would also get bored there.

It may well get worse before it gets better.

if you’d had two kids, not only double the moaning but they’d probably be arguing too!

OP, my only DC is 4 so clearly not yet at the tween/teenage issue stage. However, your comments about only children resonate as I have to say one of the times we do find quite tough is when we're on holiday together and our DC doesn't have another little one around to play with. Now for a sociable 4yo, that's not a disaster since DC can make friends in any park/playground, wherever we are, and they usually find at least a few little friends to run around with. And the rest of the time, thankfully DC is young enough that DH and I can be their playmates and take part in all the games they like. But these two options aren't really open to a 12 year old... making random friends is much harder at that age (and not really an option on a city break) and they don't really want their parents for company. We're having another later on this year, but the age gap will be almost 5 years so doubt it will make things better from that perspective.

I had siblings who were close in age and, although we fought like cat and dog, it did change the dynamic somewhat in that our parents were much less focused on us and our wants and just dragged us along to any old place and expected us to amuse ourselves together. And we moaned to each other, not to them. And they'd think nothing of sitting us on a separate table in a cafe or restaurant if they'd had enough of us and wanted some adult time.

We took our son when 14 to Istanbul amazing place- we loved it he spent at least 70% of the time having some kind of online argument on his phone. So we came right to the point and told him that next years holiday would be the last with us until he was in his 20s and paying. We actually went to Los Angeles (combined it with a few work things for DH) and had a great time--

Do you see this is contradictory @Greyblueskies ?

We always made up, 'reset' and moved on but have come back feeling sad about it

You clearly didn't reset and move on. You're still carrying the frustration and disappointment of the trip not meeting your expectations.

You planned a trip, he didn't enjoy it, end of. In a few years time he will either have reframed the whole experience as how he was so cultured as a youngster and how much he loved it OR it will go down in family lore as that awful trip.

If he is still moaning about it, then ask him genuinely for some ideas of what you could do next time. Get him involved in the itinerary etc. He doesn't get to go on about it being awful. He can offer alternatives for next time but he has to draw a line. You made an effort, you have heard his opinion and accept he has a right to it. It is however hurtful/disrespectful of your efforts to go on about it but we can learn for next time.

If he has moved on the please don't bring it up. And don't use it against him in future (if he want s to go to a similar thing again, don't do the "well you hated it when I organised it. You were such a moan"

(Can you tell I was the stroppy teen who 40 years later still gets my stroppiness thrown back in my face?!)

You tried really hard to make a brilliant trip and he didn't enjoy it. Time to accept he has the right to that opinion and move on.

I hope you managed some moments of positivity.

Such a shame OP. If you ever consider another city break (ha!), my DCs both loved Athens when they were 14 and 10. I think maybe because it wasn’t gallery heavy but more cultural sites. We stayed very central and walked everywhere, the hotel had an amazing buffet breakfast which got them up and about. Plus they’d done Greek history at primary school so it was maybe more relevant.

That's an excellent post and really good advice. Thanks

Thanks - but we do ensure he realises that we have needs too! Hence, the arguments!

I totally understand your feelings of guilt as a fellow mother of a singleton - my DD is 14, and the only time I’ve really ever felt guilt at not ‘giving’ her a sibling has been on holidays. However, we are where we are. I kind of like the idea of bringing a friend, but on the other hand I’m not sure I could cope with someone else’s child 24 hrs a day for a holiday….

I feel your pain regarding the whingeing and moaning! It’s so annoying and dispiriting. We end up often having a rough first couple of days, reading her the riot act about being rude and ungrateful, and then things improve mostly. I’m in the ‘suck it up’ camp. These are holidays that parents have worked hard to provide, and children benefit from learning to be gracious about different experiences. It’s good for them to be challenged by new things, so don’t beat yourself up that it wasn’t all to his taste.

When DD was 9 we spent a couple of days in Venice during a longer Eurocamp holiday - we were walking the whole time, got absolutely soaked in the rain etc. So much moaning! But in the years since she has often said that Venice is her favourite city! Not sure why, bearing in mind the poor child was exhausted, but I’m glad she had a happy feeling about it in retrospect. So you may find that your son has some good memories later on, and that will help you to feel better about it.

I’m looking forward to taking my DD on some city breaks, I think it’s a great idea for a small family with a teen. I hope you find it gets more fun.

mines really good with trip advisor now, I let them sit there and plan where to go to eat, if they can find anything interesting or quirky.

they now know the “will everyone enjoy it” fear and they seem to be better at enduring stuff others have planned as a result.

maybe try a few day trips out testing the water with them planning a bit more before trying again.

It's not you OP. Our 12 year old has (had) always been quite geeky. Loved museums etc. I once spent 2 hours of my life looking at pebbles in the natural history museum with her declaring what beautiful gems they were. At the time I was the one ready to throw a tantrum.

Took her recently to a living history museum which she would have loved a year ago. No longer I'm afraid.

It's a few short years really. Do more stuff that they enjoy and look forward to proper grown up stuff again when they're at uni.