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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 pints before a family night in?

92 replies

MerryBloodyChristmasDay · 23/04/2022 18:33

There is background and a wider context here obviously, but I'd like to gauge opinion on the facts right now.

DH has been at the football today, the plan was always he would come back and we'd spend the evening together as a family, have dinner and then watching stranger things (we're rewatching them all with DC2).

He's got home and, whilst not obviously hammered, I can tell he's been drinking. I ask him to be honest how much, and he said 7 pints.

Without any of the other context around this, is that normal? Would you be ok with it before a night in with the kids?

I need to know if my views on this are skewed before I speak to him.

OP posts:
Maddiemoosmum0203 · 23/04/2022 18:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LoudingVoice · 23/04/2022 18:39

Can he handle his drink? Will he still do the dinner & family night as planned or will he be asleep on the sofa by 7.30?

If it doesn’t ruin your evening and he’s not rolling around drunk I’d let it go.

CheshireCats · 23/04/2022 18:39

I would not be staying with someone that drinks this much as anything other than a one off.
It is a toxic environment for children to grow up in. I speak from experience.

Coldnoseandtoes · 23/04/2022 18:39

Just going on what you've said, no, I don't think this is normal, and I wouldn't be very happy about it.

Pantsomime · 23/04/2022 18:40

Can you drive in an emergency? If not and you’d have to rely on DH to drive, that would be a game changer for me, lack of responsibility. Generally it’s a rubbish thing to do, he doesn’t seem keen on joining in with the
family

notanothertakeaway · 23/04/2022 18:40

I don't drink beer but 7 pints sounds quite a lot to me

And if you could tell he'd been drinking, kids will notice too

It's not great role modelling. As a one off, I'd probably let it go. Regular event, I wouldn't be too impressed

ImInStealthMode · 23/04/2022 18:42

It would depend on two things;

A) Is he capable of joining in with the family evening as planned or will he be off to bed / disruptive?

B) Is this a regular occurrence or a one-off?

Vsirbdo · 23/04/2022 18:43

after 7 pints my DH would fall asleep early or largely be annoying (primarily to me as he irritates me when he’s drunk) so I’d feel that the family night in was a bit spoilt and not as planned.

@Pantsomime would you expect someone to be able to drive at all times? I’m confused about why driving matters.

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 18:43

No I wouldn’t.

However if I had a husband who was a big sports fan and was going to the pub to watch a game with friends I’d not plan a family night.

I suspect context will be all here though.

Oysterbabe · 23/04/2022 18:46

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 18:43

No I wouldn’t.

However if I had a husband who was a big sports fan and was going to the pub to watch a game with friends I’d not plan a family night.

I suspect context will be all here though.

I agree with this.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/04/2022 18:46

If it was an irregular occurrence I wouldn’t care; I’d be pleased he’d had a good time and let his hair down etc. Your evening doesn’t really sound taxing and if I’ve been day drinking then a quiet night in with a film is perfect.

But I’m assuming this is part of a bigger issue which is that he regularly does this / can’t control his drinking / is a man child somehow and that’s why you’re really posting?

Lem0nDrizzle · 23/04/2022 18:47

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 18:43

No I wouldn’t.

However if I had a husband who was a big sports fan and was going to the pub to watch a game with friends I’d not plan a family night.

I suspect context will be all here though.

Agreed

SillySallySassySausage · 23/04/2022 18:48

Like pps, my husband would be comatose after 7 but I know that others can function moderately well after a lot more, due to a couple of DH friends being absolute drinking machines, I'd never see them visibly "drunk" even after 10.

I suppose it depends if he's expecting to opt out of your nice evening to pass out, that I would not be ok with.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/04/2022 18:48

Pantsomime · 23/04/2022 18:40

Can you drive in an emergency? If not and you’d have to rely on DH to drive, that would be a game changer for me, lack of responsibility. Generally it’s a rubbish thing to do, he doesn’t seem keen on joining in with the
family

I find this MN thing of “could you drive in an emergency” really weird. Do people really take it in turns to remain sober on the very unlikely chance of a child needing to be taken to hospital?

I find that level of anxiety really unhealthy tbh

bellac11 · 23/04/2022 18:49

Pantsomime · 23/04/2022 18:40

Can you drive in an emergency? If not and you’d have to rely on DH to drive, that would be a game changer for me, lack of responsibility. Generally it’s a rubbish thing to do, he doesn’t seem keen on joining in with the
family

You are aware there are plenty of families who dont have a family car, or 'gasp' actually drive at all

What do you think they do in emergencies?

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/04/2022 18:50

If it was a very infrequent occurrence and it was his team in a very important tournament or he was meeting friends he hadn’t seen for years I might let it go. As long as he was coherent and able to engage with the kids.

But if that’s his idea of a bit of a livener before the rest of the evening then he has a problem. Having been married to someone with an alcohol problem and having left because of drinking like this, above all I wouldn’t want my kids thinking this is normal behaviour on a Saturday night.

orangeisthenewpuce · 23/04/2022 18:52

I can drink 7 pints and if over a good few hours I wouldn't be falling asleep drunk. However, everyone is different. But I wouldn't arrange a family night after my husband (or me) had been going out to the match.

thefirstmrsrochester · 23/04/2022 18:52

Merryoldgoat
No I wouldn’t.

However if I had a husband who was a big sports fan and was going to the pub to watch a game with friends I’d not plan a family night.

I suspect context will be all here though.

Pretty much this 👆

Pollydonia · 23/04/2022 18:52

Has he stopped the drinking now or is he carrying on at home ?

OnTheBoardwalk · 23/04/2022 18:53

Who made the plan for a family night after a day of football and drinking with his pals?

agree if he does this every weekend then I’d be concerned as a one off/couple of times a year I wouldn’t be

@Pantsomime what a strange comment. Is the driver of the house not allowed to get drunk for 18 years incase someone needs a lift somewhere?

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/04/2022 18:53

I’m also confused by the absurd emphasis on being able to drive at all times. Millions of people can’t or don’t drive at all and manage to function. But, digression.

Original poster
MerryBloodyChristmasDay · 23/04/2022 18:56

So context is, we've been in a really bad place. We've been in therapy trying to work through it, but the crux is that my feelings have changed and I can't trust him due to a pattern of drinking which has led to 'incidents' throughout the years. It's not particularly frequent or regular, but some really upsetting things have happened.

Going to therapy seemed to have made him realise the seriousness of the situation and he had made a lot of changes, had drastically cut back on drinking, seemed to understand the impact that the past had had. From being in a very dark place I had actually just started to feel a bit more positive - was starting to imagine future events again whereas before it was like a black hole.

Over the last week he's been out twice in the evening (not drinking but fun stuff for him) and has also planned a day out tomorrow so I'd been a bit upset at how little we'd all seen on him, hence him promising a family evening tonight.

On the face of it he seems ok and is playing with DS now in the garden, but it's more the fact that one of my fears had been the minute he started to feel comfortable that the relationship was out of danger that he'd return to type. I feel that 7 pints and then being with children is unacceptable given our situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryBloodyChristmasDay · 23/04/2022 18:57

Btw I posted about the 'straw that broke the camels back' incident under this name on Boxing Day...

OP posts:
greenlynx · 23/04/2022 18:58

No, it’s not normal for me and I wouldn’t be ok with this.
I have average size and age husband sitting next to me so I’ve asked him. He said that no way he would be able to manage 7 pints physically.

timestheyarechanging · 23/04/2022 18:58

If my husband and had been at football all day I would KNOW that he wouldn't be in a fit state to have a family night! I'd spend the night with the kids whilst he slept it off and plan a nice day out tomorrow and evening in