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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

7 pints before a family night in?

92 replies

MerryBloodyChristmasDay · 23/04/2022 18:33

There is background and a wider context here obviously, but I'd like to gauge opinion on the facts right now.

DH has been at the football today, the plan was always he would come back and we'd spend the evening together as a family, have dinner and then watching stranger things (we're rewatching them all with DC2).

He's got home and, whilst not obviously hammered, I can tell he's been drinking. I ask him to be honest how much, and he said 7 pints.

Without any of the other context around this, is that normal? Would you be ok with it before a night in with the kids?

I need to know if my views on this are skewed before I speak to him.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 23/04/2022 19:00

MerryBloodyChristmasDay · 23/04/2022 18:56

So context is, we've been in a really bad place. We've been in therapy trying to work through it, but the crux is that my feelings have changed and I can't trust him due to a pattern of drinking which has led to 'incidents' throughout the years. It's not particularly frequent or regular, but some really upsetting things have happened.

Going to therapy seemed to have made him realise the seriousness of the situation and he had made a lot of changes, had drastically cut back on drinking, seemed to understand the impact that the past had had. From being in a very dark place I had actually just started to feel a bit more positive - was starting to imagine future events again whereas before it was like a black hole.

Over the last week he's been out twice in the evening (not drinking but fun stuff for him) and has also planned a day out tomorrow so I'd been a bit upset at how little we'd all seen on him, hence him promising a family evening tonight.

On the face of it he seems ok and is playing with DS now in the garden, but it's more the fact that one of my fears had been the minute he started to feel comfortable that the relationship was out of danger that he'd return to type. I feel that 7 pints and then being with children is unacceptable given our situation.

Do you think he promised (you imply it was his idea) the 'family evening' because of guilt and because he sensed you were unhappy with his outgoings this week? In which case thats not really fair on him, he needs to be allowed to have some time for himself, unless you're saying that is the pattern every single week, then it is quite a lot

In terms of the drinking you said yourself that he had taken on board and drastically cut back the amount of alcohol he was using, are you expecting him never to drink, is that the expectation and/or promise he has made? If not, again I think thats a bit unfair. I tend to get a bit drunk when with my friends although its once in a blue moon.

Its about whether changes can be sustained over the longer term.

BakewellGin1 · 23/04/2022 19:02

Another who finds it odd when people ask could you drive in emergency.

Quite often both myself and and DH will have a few drinks. DH can handle his drink so whilst no he wouldn't drive after 7 pints/cans he would be fine.

I'm alone with DS this evening as DH working and DS (eldest) is staying at a friend's. I've had a gin and will have at least two more. I will still be capable of parenting however no I wouldn't drive -, I am more then able to use a taxi, organise a lift and tend to DS.
I suppose it depends on DH and how he is after 7 pints during the day.
I

UndertheCedartree · 23/04/2022 19:06

7 pints is ridiculous. NHS guidelines are that no more than 6 pints a week should be had spread over at least 3 days.

I would not be ok about this, especially considering the context that he has problems with alcohol, whether you were having a family night or not. It is a terrible example to the DC too.

I hope you are ok. I have had experience of my ex- DH having drink problems and it is truly awful.

bellac11 · 23/04/2022 19:09

UndertheCedartree · 23/04/2022 19:06

7 pints is ridiculous. NHS guidelines are that no more than 6 pints a week should be had spread over at least 3 days.

I would not be ok about this, especially considering the context that he has problems with alcohol, whether you were having a family night or not. It is a terrible example to the DC too.

I hope you are ok. I have had experience of my ex- DH having drink problems and it is truly awful.

Notwithstanding OPs worries about her husbands alcohol use, you need to calm that down! There will be umpteen BBQs held today and tomorrow and god knows how many last weekend where perfectly able parents probably had the equivalent of 7 pints over the day.

timestheyarechanging · 23/04/2022 19:12

PS - I'm no longer married to my husband but this is not the reason why. He worked hard and deserved to let his hair down occasionally. It never bothered me. If it was a football day, I'd know that a family night wasn't going to happen as he'd either come back twisted, or not come back at all!
But we'd do the family thing the following day.
My current partner rarely drinks.

Pumperthepumper · 23/04/2022 19:12

Could you summarise your last thread? Do you think he’s an alcoholic?

Towelseverywhere · 23/04/2022 19:23

Pantsomime · 23/04/2022 18:40

Can you drive in an emergency? If not and you’d have to rely on DH to drive, that would be a game changer for me, lack of responsibility. Generally it’s a rubbish thing to do, he doesn’t seem keen on joining in with the
family

ridiculous. By that logic the man can’t ever have a couple of drinks never mind 7

Original poster
MerryBloodyChristmasDay · 23/04/2022 19:23

I agree that on occasion letting your hair down is fine. The thing is, I have an anxiety response to his drinking that I can't help, because I just don't know what I'm going to get. It could be fine. It could be another horrendous episode.

Other context (not to drink feed) is I've had covid this week and he still went out, we had to rely on friends to bring dc back from school when he was out.

It's not helping build my trust. He definitely is a 'problem drinker'. I wouldn't say an alcoholic as it's not regular enough, but he has alcoholism in his family.

The kids are also becoming aware and my DD referenced and incident that happened 5 years ago that I though (hoped) she had forgotten about. She was saying it in a jokey way but it really wasn't funny, at all.

So him being even slightly tipsy around them is not on for me. DD just called him out for being a bit odd at the dinner table.

I don't really know where to go from here. I'm either constantly calling him out, or the boundaries are being slowly blurred.

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/04/2022 19:23

cant find previous thread

thestaffy · 23/04/2022 19:33

Pint of beer in a pub is roughly £5. So that is 35 quid spent enjoying himself without you. Just asking.....Can you afford this?

Maybebabyno2 · 23/04/2022 19:36

I think my opinion on this would change given the circumstances you describe. If it were my dp, I wouldn't really care. Neither of us really drink and if he went out with mates and had 7 pints I would be glad he had a fun day out and expect him to fall asleep during the programme (hell, I would fall asleep without the booze tbh! Something about comfy cuddles with dc in a dark room watching TV ha)

If we had problems caused by his drinking, my opinion would be very different. I would wait until he was sober then have a proper conversation about how I felt.

Ultimately OP, you need to work out if you can continue this relationship with him if he doesn't commit to not drinking going forward. It sounds like a toxic place to be if you are scares of what sort of drunk he is going to be when he comes home.

Classicblunder · 23/04/2022 19:37

7 pints presumably over a few hours (?) when he was fine to be with the kids and engage with them afterwards, I wouldn't think was a biggie but..

Other context (not to drink feed) is I've had covid this week and he still went out, we had to rely on friends to bring dc back from school when he was out.

This on the other hand totally unacceptable. I can't imagine a friend asking me to pick up their kids in a similar scenario and me not just being incredibly sad for their marriage

Wouldyabeguilty · 23/04/2022 19:38

ShirleyPhallus · 23/04/2022 18:48

I find this MN thing of “could you drive in an emergency” really weird. Do people really take it in turns to remain sober on the very unlikely chance of a child needing to be taken to hospital?

I find that level of anxiety really unhealthy tbh

Show quote history

When you have teenagers and they are out, one of you definitely needs to stay sober...just in case.

doadeer · 23/04/2022 19:39

Phew that's a lot! I know some people can drink heavily but that's really too much. I would be annoyed.

bellac11 · 23/04/2022 19:40

Did you ask him to stay home during that day to pick the kids up from school? Im a bit confused by this, have you been too ill to go out?

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/04/2022 19:45

I think in the light of your anxiety about this and the back story his behaviour is quite disrespectful.

yes people should be able to let their hair down from time to time but when he knows it’s problematic and triggering for you drinking that much is a bit of a slap in the face.

I wouldn’t do anything rash yet but when he’s sober I would sit him down and tell him how triggered you felt by it and ask him for some new groundrules.

it was probably unrealistic to expect him to go to a sports match and not drink so possibly you should have planned to do the family evening another time. But based on the history he should have known this was going to upset you.

Long term if he is really serious about avoiding incidents like this he may have to consider stopping altogether. I’m guessing he isn’t ready for that?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 23/04/2022 19:46

Jesus, are you serious?! We’ve had family round and I’ve had 5 glasses of Prosecco. Call the police!!

DelphiniumBlue · 23/04/2022 19:51

The context is that, knowing about you reaching the end of your tether, having discussed all these issues in counselling, he then chose to go out twice in the week while you had Covid, knowing that your children needed to be collected looked after, and then today( while you are probably still not completely ok) went out and drank 7 pints in afternoon.
And you don't think he's an alcoholic.
I'm telling you he is. He is putting his relationship with alcohol in front of his family. He knows this is make or break time, and he's made his choice. This is not an isolated incident, is it?
The best spin you can put on it is that he is selfish, and cares more about himself than you.
Sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear.

Ohilovetorave · 23/04/2022 19:51

PatientlyWaiting21

Perhaps read the whole story 🙄

ThreeLittleDots · 23/04/2022 19:53

I would be really disappointed and think he had prioritised his own fun / alcoholism before my family

Pumperthepumper · 23/04/2022 19:55

PatientlyWaiting21 · 23/04/2022 19:46

Jesus, are you serious?! We’ve had family round and I’ve had 5 glasses of Prosecco. Call the police!!

There’s an absolute world of difference between five glasses of Prosecco and seven pints.

orangeisthenewpuce · 23/04/2022 19:55

@Wouldyabeguilty When you have teenagers and they are out, one of you definitely needs to stay sober...just in case.

You really don't. I was a single parent and I was not going not drink every time they went out. Stuff that Smile

ThreeLittleDots · 23/04/2022 19:56

I typed my response before I'd read your further posts OP. My dad was an alcoholic and I think your gut is right. It's a horrible atmosphere for a child, and partner.

Jem57 · 23/04/2022 19:56

My husband would never ever be able to drink 3 pints never mind 7

UndertheCedartree · 23/04/2022 19:59

bellac11 · 23/04/2022 19:09

Notwithstanding OPs worries about her husbands alcohol use, you need to calm that down! There will be umpteen BBQs held today and tomorrow and god knows how many last weekend where perfectly able parents probably had the equivalent of 7 pints over the day.

Show quote history

Well, that is their choice if they want to binge drink. They might think it's great fun but it isn't for those that have to pick up the pieces. I wouldn't tolerate it from a partner. With my kid's dad having drinking problems no, I won't calm it down! I want to be a good role model to them and that involves drinking in a moderate and healthy way.