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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I pay rent??

85 replies

Ema1986 · 22/04/2022 22:52

Ive been with my partner for 8 years and we have 3 children together. 9 months ago we moved into a house (for which the mortgage is in my partners name only). I am unable to get a mortgage and so the house is in his name. The deposit for the house was also his. Prior to moving in we agreed that we would get a deed of trust stating that the deposit (and a larger proportion of the equity) would go to him, and that a portion of the equity would be mine (in the event of separation). Since then, I’ve gone part time in work (3 days per week) to support with childcare costs. Before this we both earned the same. Currently, we pay the mortgage/bills proportionate to our salary (so I pay 40% and he pays 60%). Last month I was pushing for the deed of trust to be done (we have been here for 9 months now after all), and my partner flat out refused the document. He has back tracked and is now saying the house is his, but that I would still need to continue to pay ‘rent’. I’ve basically told him that I will pay half of all the non-mortgage bills (gas/electric,water etc) but I’m not paying a penny towards the mortgage nor in rent. I don’t think it’s fair for me to continue to pay towards the house when he has told me I now no longer have any financial interest in it. I also don’t think it’s fair to take ‘rent’, leaving me without an option to be able to save now that he no longer wants me to be part of the house. I need some financial security for me and the kids). I’ve worked out that if I pay half the non-mortgage bills, and he pays the full mortgage, we both have the same amount of money left over each month even though I work part time and maintain the house. Am I being unreasonable here??

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 22/04/2022 22:54

I would be making plans to leave tbh he sounds greedy and not someone who I would be confident in a relationship with

pixie5121 · 22/04/2022 22:59

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Player001 · 22/04/2022 23:06

My partner has been unable to work for the past couple of years. All incoming funds come from me. I pay all bills including 2 mortgages and my name is on everything.

I could never imagine not splitting things evenly with them if it came to that. They are my partner, that word should mean something.

I think you should pay rent but to someone else. I don't say LTB very often but I am now.

Clymene · 22/04/2022 23:09

If he won't marry you, I'd leave. You're subsiding his mortgage and are in a really vulnerable position

420Bruh · 22/04/2022 23:09

Pick your hours back up at work and start making plans to leave. You don't want to find yourself 8 years down the line with no interest in the property (who pays repairs decor etc etc?) that you call a home.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/04/2022 23:11

Am I being unreasonable here?

Nope, not at all. He's not your partner at the moment, he's a casual boyfriend that you lodge with.

Personally I couldn't put up with that- he wouldn't be getting laid again until finances were sorted on an equitable footing and you have a proper partnership. If you don't achieve that then what you suggest is OK but I think you should aim to do more hours and split the childcare evenly.

ilovesooty · 22/04/2022 23:12

He's ripping you off and you're in a vulnerable financial position.

jimbob1969 · 22/04/2022 23:15

If there were no children involved I'd say he had a point. But you are linked by your children. I could have bought and paid for our house by now without any income from other half, but It was me that insisted she was on mortgage as we also have three kids. Altho they are all over 18 now. Its them I want to kick out!😀

Reigateforever · 22/04/2022 23:24

You have had his three children, of course you couldn’t work, so then you couldn’t get a mortgage…cheek. No I wouldn’t want to pay his mortgage but there again he may have a claim on the money you have saved. Check with a solicitor so you know where you stand, in case things don’t go to plan in the future.

LadyMaid · 22/04/2022 23:31

Ask him what the word PARTNER means to him.

Threetulips · 22/04/2022 23:36

Sorry but you could’ve been on the mortgage and title deeds, it’s worked out on joint income not who’s earning. He’s played a blinder there.

Id work out how much he would have to pay in child support when you leave!

Winter2020 · 22/04/2022 23:40

Do you have wills and life insurance?

Without a will and not married your kids will inherit from your partner not you - including the house equity. (as you are not on the mortgage/not joint tenants)

Life insurance/death in service needs to name you as a beneficiary else it could be unclear what should happen.

After 3 kids I'd cut to the chase and tell him he marries you or you are off. If you get married you won't need to worry about asset ownership as everything will be considered if you divorce and assets are divided - who evers name those assets are in.

It's a shame if his greed over assets breaks up your family but better to walk away now than in another 20 years with not a pot to piss in.

LittleOwl153 · 22/04/2022 23:42

Yeah he is playing you. I'd get back to work full time. Add the cost of additional childcare to the equation and see where that leaves you. I'd still not be paying his mortgage though. (And I'd look to reducing ongoing payments to recoup what you have already paid into the mortgage pot too!) Do that and you'll probably soon have your own deposit...

KarmaComma · 22/04/2022 23:49

Send him your bill for childcare.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/04/2022 23:56

I agree with everyone else, but I will spell it out : he's intending to shaft you. Go back to work full time, but don't take the full hit on child care- that is as much his responsibility as yours. Do not pay him rent or anything else. If he balks at that, ask him how he is intending to compensate you for your lost earnings whilst you were bearing Amg for his children. Ask him whether he had or is intending to make a will in your favour- because if he doesn't, what will happen to your home if he should die unexpectedly?
My friend who was in your position was a little shocked when she was told that he was leaving it to his Mum, who he thought would look after her and probably let her stay there!
If he died intestate, you still wouldn't be entitled to the house, the executors would have a duty to sell it.
His responses will let you know whether to leave him.
What an absolute arse to treat you like this, to renege on his promise.

Flickflak · 23/04/2022 00:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Hillary17 · 23/04/2022 00:04

Please register land rights! It means you have an entitlement to the land the house is built one. But also, I’d be getting ready to leave as he sounds like an arse.

FortniteBoysMum · 23/04/2022 00:06

Similar situation here. Not on mortgage due to circumstances when bought house but will be going on when we look at new mortgage deals next year. I do pay half the mortgage but it was my choice not to add me until due to be looked at. I would point out to him that if he views this as his house and not joint it is his bill to pay along with repairs etc. Then I would tell him I don't feel its my home and I will be saving to leave. Of course once I left with my kids he would be paying all bills alone and paying you money towards supporting his children. See if that makes him reconsider as clearly his thinking with his wallet.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/04/2022 00:07

If he expects rent to live in your own home then he should pay you money for looking after your own children. That's how ridiculous he is being.

Fundamentally you're meant to be in a partnership and its shit that all your money goes on family and lots of his money goes on something that solely benefits him

hassletassle · 23/04/2022 00:11

Op I am a stay at home mum and I'm on the deeds / mortgage.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/04/2022 00:16

He should be paying childcare and housekeeping services. Pretty sure with the cost of childcare, he would owe you.

Why does he think that you should provide these things for free.

He has made his feelings pretty clear. I’d be getting my ducks in a row and be planning my exit.

DdraigGoch · 23/04/2022 00:23

He doesn't treat you like a partner, you are merely a lodger with benefits to him. I would never ask a partner to contribute towards an asset that they didn't have a stake in. Mortgage repayments aren't a bill like rent, gas or food.

spotcheck · 23/04/2022 00:28

These threads ( and the ever increasing number of them) depress me.
Men who don't understand 'partnership' , who insist on ' financial equality' but refuse to see the value of looking after children.

Dancer47 · 23/04/2022 00:35

You have three children with a man who hasn't married you, doesn't want to share a house purchase with you and wants you to pay rent?

Seriously, this relationship is worse than a dead loss - it is a humiliation.
What's in it for you? He doesn't care about you or trust you.

fallfallfall · 23/04/2022 00:39

No you should not pay rent, or the equivalent of rent until a few other things are settled.
What would you like in the event of his passing or him leaving?

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