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Original poster

Should I pay rent??

85 replies

Ema1986 · 22/04/2022 22:52

Ive been with my partner for 8 years and we have 3 children together. 9 months ago we moved into a house (for which the mortgage is in my partners name only). I am unable to get a mortgage and so the house is in his name. The deposit for the house was also his. Prior to moving in we agreed that we would get a deed of trust stating that the deposit (and a larger proportion of the equity) would go to him, and that a portion of the equity would be mine (in the event of separation). Since then, I’ve gone part time in work (3 days per week) to support with childcare costs. Before this we both earned the same. Currently, we pay the mortgage/bills proportionate to our salary (so I pay 40% and he pays 60%). Last month I was pushing for the deed of trust to be done (we have been here for 9 months now after all), and my partner flat out refused the document. He has back tracked and is now saying the house is his, but that I would still need to continue to pay ‘rent’. I’ve basically told him that I will pay half of all the non-mortgage bills (gas/electric,water etc) but I’m not paying a penny towards the mortgage nor in rent. I don’t think it’s fair for me to continue to pay towards the house when he has told me I now no longer have any financial interest in it. I also don’t think it’s fair to take ‘rent’, leaving me without an option to be able to save now that he no longer wants me to be part of the house. I need some financial security for me and the kids). I’ve worked out that if I pay half the non-mortgage bills, and he pays the full mortgage, we both have the same amount of money left over each month even though I work part time and maintain the house. Am I being unreasonable here??

OP posts:
ncwithme · 23/04/2022 05:45

I would leave him.

You've had three children and sacrificed earnings and pension. Now he wants to make sure you can't have equity in the house you're paying towards. Fuck him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2022 07:00

He could have added you to the mortgage and deeds of the house if he wanted to. He didn’t. Then pretended he’d protect you. He won’t. He wants to take advantage of you financially all whilst having sex with you and having you take the hit on your salary so that he can further his career. This is not a partnership. Can you go and stay with relatives temporarily whilst you sort out what you want?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/04/2022 07:49

You have put yourself in a very silly position by moving in with a man you are not married to, in a house with his name only. You are not financially protected and you could really end up screwed and with nothing.

He clearly doesn't see you as an equal partner.

boronia · 23/04/2022 07:56

Do not contribute another cent to the mortgage and don't pay rent either.
Start saving it all because you will need to move out. He's an arsehole.

Sunnysideup · 23/04/2022 08:06

I’m on the fence. On one side I don’t think you should get to,live rent free. I don’t really understand why folks on here think women should get that. Free housing. But the fact you reduced your hours to ease child care costs I think changes it totally also the fact he lied to you.

for me, you need to go back to work full time. Child care costs should be split equally and you should pay rent either to him or another landlord if you leave him.

I think he’s behaved terribly and he was always going to do this and lied to you. Because if he was serious he’d have had the deed of trust drawn up by the solicitor at the point of sale. The fact he didn’t shows he never ever intended to let you have any of the house.

its up to you if you want to end it over this and pay some one else rent instead. Either way you will need to pay to house yourself. I’m sorry. You are unmarried, the house is legally his and he isn’t giving you any of it.

Treacletoots · 23/04/2022 08:08

Oh for heaven's sake. Why do women have multiple children with men who clearly don't respect them?

He's planning to shaft you. He doesn't want you to have any rights, or your children for that matter. What a horrible POS.

I'd be demanding going on the deeds and the mortgage immediately, going full time and obviously he's responsible for 50% of the childcare costs regardless of the mortgage situation, they're not even remotely related.

Threetulips · 23/04/2022 08:13

If she moved out and rented somewhere else as a part time mother of three - the government would pay her rent.
ahe would get additional benefits and probably be better off all round.

Magenta82 · 23/04/2022 08:14

I'd be going back to work full time and expecting him to pay half the childcare.

He is screwing you over.

You are taking all the risks, have no security and are damaging your future earning potential and pension contributions.

I would be seriously considering the future of the relationship and looking at getting my duck an a row so I had a plan that would mean I had security and a place to live in the event it ended

Wnkingawalrus · 23/04/2022 08:16

spotcheck · 23/04/2022 00:28

These threads ( and the ever increasing number of them) depress me.
Men who don't understand 'partnership' , who insist on ' financial equality' but refuse to see the value of looking after children.

That’s not the depressing part. The depressing part is the number of financially illiterate women who just walk into these situations.

OP the issue isn’t the rent. That’s a symptom of much wider issues. Why have you allowed yourself to get into the situation where you are not married, you work PT and you have no financial security?

As others have said, this isn’t a partnership. He very much sees it as his money and your money and it’s not clear at all where the children fit into this.

Have some self respect and take some responsibility for your own financial position. Get back to FT hours for starters.

Franklin12 · 23/04/2022 08:17

Why aren’t you married? Why is being married less important than having 3 children?

it’s a genuine question for both of you?

Cheesechips · 23/04/2022 08:21

He's being unreasonable, selfish and greedy. If he doesn't change his mind I'd leave him. No reason for you not to on the deed just because the mortgage isn't in your name. Talk about selfish! You're the mother of his children for goodness sake.

NameGoesHere · 23/04/2022 08:26

He’s playing you for a fool.

thebeespyjamas · 23/04/2022 09:38

Ema1986 · 22/04/2022 22:52

Ive been with my partner for 8 years and we have 3 children together. 9 months ago we moved into a house (for which the mortgage is in my partners name only). I am unable to get a mortgage and so the house is in his name. The deposit for the house was also his. Prior to moving in we agreed that we would get a deed of trust stating that the deposit (and a larger proportion of the equity) would go to him, and that a portion of the equity would be mine (in the event of separation). Since then, I’ve gone part time in work (3 days per week) to support with childcare costs. Before this we both earned the same. Currently, we pay the mortgage/bills proportionate to our salary (so I pay 40% and he pays 60%). Last month I was pushing for the deed of trust to be done (we have been here for 9 months now after all), and my partner flat out refused the document. He has back tracked and is now saying the house is his, but that I would still need to continue to pay ‘rent’. I’ve basically told him that I will pay half of all the non-mortgage bills (gas/electric,water etc) but I’m not paying a penny towards the mortgage nor in rent. I don’t think it’s fair for me to continue to pay towards the house when he has told me I now no longer have any financial interest in it. I also don’t think it’s fair to take ‘rent’, leaving me without an option to be able to save now that he no longer wants me to be part of the house. I need some financial security for me and the kids). I’ve worked out that if I pay half the non-mortgage bills, and he pays the full mortgage, we both have the same amount of money left over each month even though I work part time and maintain the house. Am I being unreasonable here??

I think you do have a financial interest in the house via habit; contract via habit. So you've been helping to pay off the mortgage debt and so even though you are not on the documents (great as you are not liable for the huge debt of a mortgage) you have been contributing and a judge should deem this an interest in the equity.

So I would continue doing it, keep all records, and if he tries to shove you out of the equity he shouldn't be able to.

I would speak to a solicitor about this and get the facts as I was taught this over ten years ago and never ended up qualifying a solicitor. This was contract law and it was fascinating. Speak to a contract solicitor.

Legoninjago1 · 23/04/2022 09:44

This is dreadful OP. Don't accept this.

Same1977 · 23/04/2022 09:49

Go back to work full time and split childcare.Pay rent as should you be loving somewhere for free ?

Chatwin · 23/04/2022 09:53

Is there a reason you're not married? He's absolutely taking the piss and you're in an extremely vulnerable position.

I would be demanding marriage, or at the very least this deed to trust, wills, life insurance and any other legal protection - or leave him.

UserError012345 · 23/04/2022 10:03

He should have told you before you moved in together that was his intention. Then you could have knowingly made a decision to rent or not.

He will have to accept that he's forgone his right to rent and if he doesn't then you need to decide if you stay or move out.

UserError012345 · 23/04/2022 10:05

Remind him that if you split, child maintenance will be steep for 3 kids.

What a bell end.

cherrypiepie · 23/04/2022 10:12

No that's awful. I'd be hurt and angry that he has changed his mind in something that he had agreed. I also think it would be a dealbreaker for me as he has let you down so terribly.

Do not pay towards the mortgage. I'm in similar situation and don't pay. I'm fortunate in that I can save the money that I would put towards mortgage.

Elsiebear90 · 23/04/2022 10:18

You’ve put yourself in a really stupidly vulnerable position here OP, three kids, no marriage, no financial security, no property, no full time job, with a man who lies to you and is clearly trying to screw you over.

So many women do this and I have no idea why, it’s just depressing to keep reading. My advice would be to leave him as you can’t trust him and he’s not viewing your as a partner, he’s out for what he can get and that’s it.

MinnieMountain · 23/04/2022 10:26

I was a SAHM when we took out our current mortgage. Unless you have a bad credit rating there’s no reason for you to not be a co-owner.

You’re being completely reasonable.

Goldbar · 23/04/2022 10:54

If you pay him rent, he needs to pay you childcare to cover the increased share of childcare hours you do. £15 per hour is the going rate around here, plus overnight rate if you're the one that gets up with the kids in the night.

Grandville · 23/04/2022 11:28

If it wasn't for the children and resulting part time hours, I would agree with him. He has saved up the entire deposit and OP couldn't be on the mortgage even though she earned the same as him? Implies OP is terrible with money and that would put me right off. Why should anyone get to live for free?

However OP did give up full time work to care for joint children and that needs to be recognised. OP's solution of either original agreement or paying half utilities only is entirely fair.

LuaDipa · 23/04/2022 11:31

420Bruh · 22/04/2022 23:09

Pick your hours back up at work and start making plans to leave. You don't want to find yourself 8 years down the line with no interest in the property (who pays repairs decor etc etc?) that you call a home.

This.

He’s horrible and greedy and you deserve better.

CareBearsCare · 23/04/2022 11:38

I was a SAHM (zero income) and been on the mortgage/deeds. It's combined household income that counts.

Yanbu to insist that if you pay towards the mortgage then you need to have a defined percentage of the house