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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I pay rent??

85 replies

Ema1986 · 22/04/2022 22:52

Ive been with my partner for 8 years and we have 3 children together. 9 months ago we moved into a house (for which the mortgage is in my partners name only). I am unable to get a mortgage and so the house is in his name. The deposit for the house was also his. Prior to moving in we agreed that we would get a deed of trust stating that the deposit (and a larger proportion of the equity) would go to him, and that a portion of the equity would be mine (in the event of separation). Since then, I’ve gone part time in work (3 days per week) to support with childcare costs. Before this we both earned the same. Currently, we pay the mortgage/bills proportionate to our salary (so I pay 40% and he pays 60%). Last month I was pushing for the deed of trust to be done (we have been here for 9 months now after all), and my partner flat out refused the document. He has back tracked and is now saying the house is his, but that I would still need to continue to pay ‘rent’. I’ve basically told him that I will pay half of all the non-mortgage bills (gas/electric,water etc) but I’m not paying a penny towards the mortgage nor in rent. I don’t think it’s fair for me to continue to pay towards the house when he has told me I now no longer have any financial interest in it. I also don’t think it’s fair to take ‘rent’, leaving me without an option to be able to save now that he no longer wants me to be part of the house. I need some financial security for me and the kids). I’ve worked out that if I pay half the non-mortgage bills, and he pays the full mortgage, we both have the same amount of money left over each month even though I work part time and maintain the house. Am I being unreasonable here??

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 23/04/2022 12:05

He either marries you or you leave. I would be very nervous in your position. He could evict you and you wouldnt have anything.

serenghetti2011 · 23/04/2022 12:20

He doesn’t sound like a nice man. I would not like this selfishness in a partner. You’re good enough to live with and have 3 children but not share lives/money/home etc horrible attitude!! He’s an ‘I’m alright jack’ isn’t he long as he’ll have a home he’s not really bothered about you and what might happen in the future. Sorry op not a nice man

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 12:28

What a complete prick.

that would be the end for me. You’ve significantly disadvantaged yourself by having children without being married and going part time.

you can’t change the past but make plans to live without him asap.

Whatsmyname100 · 23/04/2022 12:41

Clymene · 22/04/2022 23:09

If he won't marry you, I'd leave. You're subsiding his mortgage and are in a really vulnerable position

Exactly, please wise up op. You are in such a vulnerable position. He could just kick you out and that's that. I think he's disgusting really, you have 3 kids together and he thinks so little of you to not ensure that you have a secure home. This would make me want to leave.

ChoiceMummy · 23/04/2022 15:57

Ultimately, why would he make himself financially vulnerable for no gain?
He's not married and thus wishes to preserve his finances. Not unreasonable and I'm sure that any parent of boys would be hoping that they sons are also secure.

Equally, this makes you incredibly financially vulnerable. And not a position that any of would want to be in nor encourage our daughters to be in.

Are you unreasonable not to contribute to the house over your head? Yes, I think that you are (I understand why) but ultimately if it wasn't his home you'd be paying this money to benefit someone else and I don't think that it's "fair" to freeload off your oh in that way.

However, if you're the one who's sacrificed 2/5of your earning for the childcare savings this needs financially being rectified, perhaps with you being given the equivalent of 1 days salary from your oh, but then you contributing half towards the mortgage or a rental figure.

This is a nightmare scenario tbh. And needed sorting before moving into the mortgaged house.

Was some of the savings used as a result of you not working? I'd be inclined to calculate how much again your reduced hours etc has saved him and show him a breakdown.

Ultimately though, I don't see any middle ground here for either of you and wonder if this may be what breaks the relationship. Though I'd be making sure that he's aware of how much he'd be paying in child maintenance before this! As that reality check along with spiralling cost of living may sober him up.

DinoWoman · 23/04/2022 16:23

What a pig. I just don't think I could stay with someone that would do this. Get your ducks in a row and LTB. And don't pay a penny in rent!

DinoWoman · 23/04/2022 16:25

Oh, and slowly deduct the 'rent' you've already paid over the last 9 months from your bill payments.

DaizyDee · 23/04/2022 16:26

It sounds like there are other issues here. I'd be booking a couples counsellor.

BritWifeInUSA · 23/04/2022 16:31

How is he a “partner” if he’s treating you like a house guest he can get rid of whenever he wants?

You say you want “financial security”. Usually the best way to achieve this is by marriage. Especially when children are involved. If he threw you and the children out tomorrow, you could probably keep yourself going with your part-time job but what about the children?

He won’t marry you. He won’t even let you have any of the house equity, but he’s happy to have you pay some bills. That’s not a partnership. Not even close. I’m sorry to say he sees you as a bedmate who pays some of his bills. If you’re happy with that, carry on.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 23/04/2022 16:34

This is grim and financial abuse OP. Be careful.

SlatsandFlaps · 23/04/2022 16:57

I hate to be that poster, but surely if OP was male and her partner female (so vice versa) everyone would be calling 'him' a cocklodger? Or am I missing something obvious? (Very possible!)

Starseeking · 23/04/2022 17:13

Dragging his heels over the Deed of Tryst document for 9 months is not a good sign; it sounds like he is getting ready to leave you (and your DC) high and dry.

I'd go back to work full-time if I were you, and start building up your own pot of money. I wouldn't pay him a penny towards the mortgage for the home that you have no stake in. You'll need that money down the line for you and your 3DC, as this man sounds like the type to keep all money to himself.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/04/2022 17:16

SlatsandFlaps · 23/04/2022 16:57

I hate to be that poster, but surely if OP was male and her partner female (so vice versa) everyone would be calling 'him' a cocklodger? Or am I missing something obvious? (Very possible!)

I think you missed the bit where OP said she has borne 3 DC to this man and is working part time to look after them, meaning her earnings and potential earnings will suffer as a direct result . Her OH has deceitfully reneged on an agreement to put an agreed, reasonable share of the house in her name based on their contributions, and has possibly lied about her not being able to go on the deeds originally.
HTH

SunshineAndFizz · 23/04/2022 17:28

What's his justification for all this?!

Merryoldgoat · 23/04/2022 17:51

SlatsandFlaps · 23/04/2022 16:57

I hate to be that poster, but surely if OP was male and her partner female (so vice versa) everyone would be calling 'him' a cocklodger? Or am I missing something obvious? (Very possible!)

They live as a family, she works and has three children that she dropped hours to look after. That is distinctly different and should be obvious.

Pawtriarchal · 23/04/2022 17:52

I would see a solicitor, so that at least any future decisions you make are with the benefit of full knowledge of your situation.

Blossomtoes · 23/04/2022 18:00

user1471538283 · 23/04/2022 12:05

He either marries you or you leave. I would be very nervous in your position. He could evict you and you wouldnt have anything.

If she leaves she won’t have anything either. It’s lose/lose.

Threetulips · 23/04/2022 18:07

If she leaves she won’t have anything either. It’s lose/lose

she won’t have lost anything, she’d gain a home she can rent so he tights and won’t be made homeless, he would either pay maintenance or shar custody 50/50 which will cost him time and money or she could work towards a better career and go full time and get free time half the week to study or see friends - she’d gain more than she has now.

Crazykatie · 23/04/2022 18:21

If he valued you he would not have brought this up, you have had 3 children together, you are his companion and partner he should not be asking anything more from you.
From your description I would say the relationship is over unless he backs down quickly, as you arent married separation is easy but finding other accommodation with the children won’t be..

2catsandhappy · 23/04/2022 18:40

I am unclear as to if you lived together before this house.
He flat out repeatedly lied to your face to get you to live together.

Why has he done that? It is such a massive manipulation he must have a plan.

pascalsmum · 23/04/2022 18:51

Ask him to marry you. If he refuses it tells you all you need to know.

NEVER have kids with a man unless you are married or have a private income /huge independent savings or earn a huge amount....

However you have done what is done despite a vast amount of available advice to the contrary.. there are possibilities under the childrens act for him to house the kids but once they are grown you are screwed even if you are successful down this route...

  1. Get a full time job and split childcare.
  1. Get married (see above)
Hertsgirl10 · 23/04/2022 18:56

Yea I’d leave no way would I trust him
again after this.

Murdoch1949 · 23/04/2022 19:02

You need to make plans to leave. He is not wanting a long term relationship, he's using you until he's met someone else. He's telling you by refusing to share the mortgage payment, get the Deed etc. He's obviously been talking to parents/friends and they've warned him off - but it's your house, they've said. Difficult I know, but he's on the way to breaking up with you, protect you & your children by finding a new home asap.

SlatsandFlaps · 23/04/2022 19:06

@DelphiniumBlue But having children doesn't entitle you to 50% of a house!

The children are just as much OP's as they are his!!

ChairCareOh · 23/04/2022 19:09

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