To not want to cook for my lodger’s friends?

[Itmustbeaproblemwithyourdoodad]

So we’re a household of 6 - me, my husband, our 3 small kids, and our lodger (late 20s, male, family friend we have known for years).

Since lockdown we eat together - I do the food shopping, meal planning and cook most of the meals. Lodger cooks one night a week, DH sometimes cooks at the weekend. Lodger washes up and cleans the kitchen while we’re putting the kids to bed.

I often feel a bit like our lodger is like having an extra child - although it is nice to come down from bedtime to the washing up all done.

This weekend our lodger has friends staying over from abroad and I asked if they were eating out or if he was planning to cook for them. His response surprised me a bit - he asked what I was planning to cook and when I said “probably macaroni cheese” he said “that’s quite easy to bulk up isn’t it?” Making it clear he is expecting, or at least hoping that I will cook for them. He made me feel a bit unreasonable for not wanting to cook for them but I feel like as his guests it is his responsibility to feed them. And that includes food shopping for them instead of just using the food in the cupboard (which he does financially contribute to but he literally never goes food shopping). I just don’t really fancy spending my weekend cooking for 8!

Food for the friends would take up space in the fridge and cupboards irrespective of whether lodger or OP cooks. Why would he feel less uncomfortable just because it is OP doing the work?

The fact the lodger seemed to assume the OP would just 'bulk up' the meal and cook for his friends tells us what he is like. Entitled, so very rude.

OP mentioned something in an earlier post about telling him to wash their linen and towels as he wouldn't think to do this. Does he do all his own laundry OP? Re the washing up is this dishwasher and unload put away or wash up manually and put away?

It would be interesting to know how much the lodger pays and what is included. It would appear the DH may be shirking too but I don't think this is relevant to the lodger although he may think he can also treat the OP like a skivvy too.

OP, I would be asking the lodger why he seemed to think you would be cooking for his friends. Allowing them to stay is very generous imo. Make him think about his actions.

Yeah, but one more portion of the family meal she's cooking anyway, if FAR less effort than cleaning up after cooking/dinner for 6.

I don't think that referring to this setup as a typical lodger one is right. A lodger wouldn't do your washing up. You are living with a friend and I would treat them as such. It's no skin off your nose to add in an extra portion when you're planning your weekly shop, and adding enough pasta for 2 extra adults to a macaroni cheese is not exactly a big deal. We also lived with a friend during lockdown who contributed to our household in similar ways you have described - the difference seems to be that we actually like her and enjoy her company.

If you normally happily all eat together I can see where his confusion exists. Presuming they are staying for a few days why not do meals that easily extend like Spaghetti Bol, Curry and rice, Stews etc so you only need to add a bit more meat and rice pasta.
I think to change the eating rules just because friends are over is a bit mean. Would you ever have guests for meals?
Perhaps you could suggest he goes and gets a few extra groceries for his friends stay.

So there are quite a few mitigating factors here - main one being he does all the clearing up, and does this routinely. That is him quite significantly pulling his weight imho! Added to that you are growing resentful of an established pattern which is unfair on him as he is doing his bit and can’t read your mind. By all means draw the line re mates but the narrative that the whole set up is him taking the piss / treating you as a skivvy is unfair. I reckon You’ll miss the clean up op!

He went quiet because he'll have to take his hands off his dick for a while and actually contribute to making meals.
I wouldn't be saying maybe I'd be telling him - "Listen cheeky fucker lodger, I'm not doing this anymore, so sort yourself out for feeding from now on".

In this instance I would have said, We need to talk about this, You are my lodger & I pay for your food. so, OK for tonight, but after that you will need to find food for your guests, (take away, meal out, or cook for us all) this includes breakfast & lunch (milk, sandwiches etc)

Do you find it hard to maintain pleasant relationships in your life, I wonder.

Bloody hell, OP. So let' me get this right. You work. You have three children to care for too. You have a (cock) lodger who cooks once a week. And a vegan husband who sometimes cooks at weekends. Why in the name of all that's holy are you putting up with this? Why doesn't your principled picky husband cook his own bloody meals instead of making your life more difficult? Why doesn't your lodger cook at least half the time? Why the hell are you standing for this situation????

You say he is a pleasant and helpful young person,he washes up he can cook,that is priceless if you need to have a lodger.Canyou still make the macaroni cheese ,I imagine with plant milk and vegan cheese! for everyone and he makes a salad,and buys a pudding.It is only a couple of days.Surely they will go out and eat over the weekend.For the future your DH needs to cook more vegan meals for himself if that is what he wants otherwise you will end up cooking different meals.Good luck.

I think by definition, meals are supposed to be provided with lodgings.

No! Just no!

What OP has got herself into is not a normal lodger arrangement. She has effectively adopted him into her family and he is now being surprised at being set back to 'normal'.

If he decides to leave he will get a nasty surprise at the next place he lodges - no shared meals, no washing, no friends staying over, nothing. I am unsure how or why OP agreed to him having a couple of friends, whom she has never met, stay overnight in her home.

Maybe a more in depth conversation is required. Try to explain why the additional arrangement has now run its course.

I think you blurred the lines a long time ago but he could have asked you in a more direct way and not just assumed you would cook for his friends. You seem lovely and he's a lucky lodger. I'd personally just make extra this time but have a chat about arrangements going forward.

that sounds a lot more complicated then to cook the sauce properly on the hob.

So your lodger washes up - while you put your feet up????

No????

So what's the advantage - perhaps DH could see to the DCs, lodger wash up and you put yoru feet up.

Hes a CF. When he asked if they could stay would have been the ideal time to remind him that he has a commercial arrangement with you and that does not include you having to accommodate and feed extra people.

Do CFs do all the washing up every night?

God some of you are unpleasant.

OP should absolutely revisit the arrangements if they're no longer working for her but there's so much bile on this thread about the lodger. Do you all speak like that to the people in your life you presumably like?

Maybe you'd feel less resentful if your husband did more of the cooking and cleaning up. I suspect he'll get his chance now. The lodger is unlikely to clean up after your family meals going forward.

I like this idea.

I dont get why people are judging what arrangements you have with your lodger, OP. Its absolutely fine if you like communal meals.

He contributes money for the shopping and does the washing up and cooks for the family once a week - given that OP wanted this arrangement during lockdown as having him do the washing up was helpful to her, I am not sure why so many are attacking him. It seems this is what they arranged.

It is challenging to have a lodger who buys all their own food and does all their own cooking in a shared home. You need to be sure they have fridge, cupboard, and kitchen space and it can mean trying to coordinate meal times and who will cook when. For example if he is to cook dinner for his two guests for three nights - that may be somewhat inconvenient for OP / DH who also need to cook for their family. For a lodger who has been 'part of the family' it makes sense to eat meals together and if OP feels his financial contribution and washing up and cooking one family meal doesn't fairly make up for her / DH cooking the other 6 nights, then fair enough, they can have that discussion.

I don't get all the hate being directed at the lodger.

I think you are being unfair to the lodger. You’ve had an arrangement that has worked for you all for years, and it sounds like he’s pulled his weight.

Now you want to change it. Have a proper sit down meeting with him about what changes you want to make and see if the changes are suitable for both parties. Don’t be surprised if you lose your lodger.

As for the guests, I can understand his confusion. If you have all eaten together for 2 years (presumably also when you have friends over?) why would he expect different? If you wanted it to be different this time then you could have said so clearly when you were first asked.

It's so weird that they even want to have dinner with you and your kids rather than go out just them!

I agree @pixie5121

Particularly as the OP describes the lodger as a family friend we have known for years

It doesn’t sound like this is a normal short term lodger situation. This is a long term family friend who has also now been living essentially as one of the family for years. Essentially part of the extended family and contributing with both money and effort. They are now supposed to revert to knowing their place and just having a transactional financial relationship.

I've only read your posts so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said but surely if it works well for you all to eat together with him doing the washing up, that' fine to continue. As for his friends coming over, well, he should pay for their food on top of whatever he already pays to contribute to food costs and if there is more work to be done to cook for more people, then he should help to do that. I have had similar when, for example, family members are staying and want to invite friends over. It's a bright, "sure, no problem. You'll need to get to the supermarket or I can add extra to the online shop if you give me the money. On the day, can you make sure you're home in time to lend a hand with the cooking and preparation?"

I think unless there's a specific reason why you no longer want to eat communally with him, that you've allowed MN outrage to potentially negatively impact a positive and happy relationship with your lodger.