To not want to cook for my lodger’s friends?

[Itmustbeaproblemwithyourdoodad]

So we’re a household of 6 - me, my husband, our 3 small kids, and our lodger (late 20s, male, family friend we have known for years).

Since lockdown we eat together - I do the food shopping, meal planning and cook most of the meals. Lodger cooks one night a week, DH sometimes cooks at the weekend. Lodger washes up and cleans the kitchen while we’re putting the kids to bed.

I often feel a bit like our lodger is like having an extra child - although it is nice to come down from bedtime to the washing up all done.

This weekend our lodger has friends staying over from abroad and I asked if they were eating out or if he was planning to cook for them. His response surprised me a bit - he asked what I was planning to cook and when I said “probably macaroni cheese” he said “that’s quite easy to bulk up isn’t it?” Making it clear he is expecting, or at least hoping that I will cook for them. He made me feel a bit unreasonable for not wanting to cook for them but I feel like as his guests it is his responsibility to feed them. And that includes food shopping for them instead of just using the food in the cupboard (which he does financially contribute to but he literally never goes food shopping). I just don’t really fancy spending my weekend cooking for 8!

Bonkers.

I just saw your last update, personally, I think you likely hurt his feelings and that's why he went quiet. He has now gone from part of the family to excluded.

Agree with this. You blurred the lines. It's your right to say what you did, but if I were him I'd be hurt. Things are likely to be awkward now. In his place, I'd be looking for another place to stay. Awkwardness where you live is the worst feeling.

But at this point maybe him living elsewhere is best for you too. Just don't blur the lines with the next one.

if his feelings are hurt that’s on him for assuming his landlady is his personal chef.

Meal planning and cooking is probably one of the most tedious parts of adulting. I’d be knocking the regular meals on the head and asking everyone to pitch i with cooking and H should sort out his own vegan meals on days your meals can’t be easily adapted.

Coming home from work, sorting out the kids and then cooking a meal for a family and two entitled adult males is miserable. Do you actually get any downtime on weekdays?

Sure. This whole situation could have been avoided had she acted like a landlady from the beginning plus said no to the guests staying over. Lesson learned.

Tell him he's on shopping and cooking and cleaning duties for the whole family whilst accommodating his guests.

A simply reordering or the boundaries is necessary.

It's hard with friends or friends of family but vitally important to your health and well-being.

frazzledasarock · 23/04/2022 04:08
if his feelings are hurt that’s on him for assuming his landlady is his personal chef.

I disagree, cooking an extra plate of food when you are already cooking is far less work than doing all the washing up. It's more than a fair trade for OP and I don't see how it can be seen as the lodger using OP as a personal chef.

Do you actually want to stop the communal meals when it's just him? I didn't get that impression from your other posts. If you do then fair enough, but if you do enjoy eating together and him doing the washing up then don't stop that just because of the guest thing. I think you can just say to him 2 extra people just means more work cooking and you don't want to do that of a weekend. If they're staying two nights you could suggest a compromise of them cooking one meal and you cooking the other or just sort out times when you'll be cooking so they can cook after/suggest they get a takeaway.

Lodger obviously feels like part of the family because you have treated him like that. Personally I think it's lovely because you have also clearly benefitted with the clearing up and him cooking on a Friday.

Personally I'd continue this because to go back to how it was two years ago is quite pointed (and he clearly felt this from how he went quiet when you suggested stopping eating together). When you say stop the communal meals you're actually just saying we don't want you to eat with us any more, and changing the dynamic of the set up. I would feel far less welcome now if I were him.

I think with the visitors too I would have gone ahead and cooked one meal for them. How long are they staying?

I have decided on, usually bought for and cooked the evening meal every night for nearly 40 years - and I fucking resent it - just saying.
Don't fall into this trap.

Also does doing the washing up mean filling the dishwasher - a brainless activity where you can happily listen to the radio or podcast to pass the time - or is he up to his elbows in suds and saucepans ?
Planning, shopping for and cooking a meal is not comparable in the slightest.

If you stop the family meals, how is it going to work? I'm not surprised he went silent, that's a huge rejection of a friend who must have felt like part of the family, with no other solution on offer. If you said that to me as a young woman I would have wondered what I did wrong and think I wasn't wanted there.

We used to have lodgers and we all ate together if they wanted to. As we're sociable people this worked for us.

Having people trying to prepare different meals in the kitchen in the evening us much harder than chipping in together.

The problem in this situation is that the balance isn't right, and you're being taken for granted.

I mean, it's your home, if you don't want to cook for someone that's your perogative! But I wonder if there is a solution where other people share the responsibility more? Could you have a chat with your lodger/friend and explain that things have changed since you've gone back to work, and you don't have the time to cook for everyone all the time. Maybe ask him if he'd like to get more involved with cooking or if he'd prefer to cook his own meals. Or maybe you could all eat together on the weekends but not week days or something.

What about your husband, is he doing his fair share?

So you cook approx 5 nights a week?
Husband 1
Lodger 1

Lodger clears up 6 nights a week?

You and husband work full time?

if so I’d keep the lodger arrangement because dishwashing for 6 vs cooking meal for 1. Will this mean you now cook for 5 and wash up for 5?

Why is your husband not cooking 3 of the meals - he is looking like the lazy one to me.

I'm going against the general response here, but I'd say I'll cook for them on the first night and then they need to find their own food. Then I'd just to a really easy tray bake of chicken, new potatoes, tomatoes, olives etc with green salad. 10 mins prep.

But i love hosting, especially people from other countries.As long as they clear the dishes, it could be a fun evening.

I think the big elephant in all this is the fact that OP's husband isn't pulling his weight, and she is feeling overwhelmed by all the domestic, childcare and feeding people responsibilities on top of working full time.

I'm going against the grain and going to say I feel a little bit for your lodger, it sounds like he just really loves being part of your family!

If he didn't help out after dinner and just expected to be fed I'd say he was a CF but don't look shift horse in the mouth; I would love someone to do all my clearing up after mealtimes - that's the part I hate!

I don't think I would stop including him in family meals but I do think I'd talk to him about cooking for his guests and maybe try and reach a compromise - something like you'll cook so extra sides or something to go with the Mac n Cheese if he goes out and buys the extras before his friends arrive?

You should analyse what you and dh want from the lodging situation. It’s not easy to find a lodger who is comfortable and safe around the children. Bitterness aside, is it really that hard to cook for one extra person? Does his financial contribution and the washing up balance the face you are cooking for him? If you didn’t cook for him, would you mind him rattling around the kitchen using stuff while you were cooking, using the hob when you wanted to, taking up fridge space - then you doing your own washing up?

I say this because lodgers are always a bit of an imposition, but it sounds like you have a decent deal.

in terms of the extra guests, just be clear to your lodger. ‘I’m happy to cook for you, we have a good arrangement and enjoy your company, but I am very busy and if you have guests I expect you to do X, Y and Z’.

If you have started working it's fine to review the arrangements with your lodger and come to a new agreement.

Maybe he needs to cook twice a week and to order a grocery delivery for these meals.

Does he go out much? A man in his late twenties at home every night for dinner is pretty unusual isn’t it?
I think now your circumstances have changed from lockdowns, it’s the perfect time to reconsider things as a family. It sounds like you are doing everything! Default woman setting (I am the same).
I think I’d ask before his guests arrive what their plans are. He clearly sees himself as family and not a lodger. I wouldn’t be able to see someone as a guest feel awkward so it needs sorting before they arrive.

Why not

Sorry clicked too soon!,

why not suggest he swaps his Friday cook for the Saturday for all his guests? It’s cheeky that he expects you to cater for them but part of me thinks it could be quite nice to have fun guests there. I think the big problem is everyone expects you to take on the catering now you are back at work, including your DH who is now vegan-does he ever cook and would he have gone vegan if he was the one cooking separate meals?

I don’t allow my lodger to have overnight guests, as I don’t want randoms in the house with my kids that are not my own randoms IYSWIM? I wouldn’t mind doing one meal for the guests, but I’d be asking for a fiver for the extra ingredients and then they’d have to sort themselves out after that.

Blimey, he's very helpful lodger. I think I'd have just said "you cook for us next time you have friends over" and made a bigger mac cheese.

Use a tin of evaporated milk, cheese, dob of mustard. Add to cooked pasta.😉

Voila

Frankly I'd rather care for myself, than clean up after someone cooking & 6 people eating every night. Not sure why you think he's the one getting a good deal?!

@Itmustbeaproblemwithyourdoodad

as above. Why are you feeling resentful? He cleans up every night and cooks on Fridays. If you want dinner earlier for the kids then ask him if it's possible if it's not (work etc) then pitching in to get it on the table isn't a massive deal.

same with shopping, online order. It's not a drama. If that's bothering you that much, get him to take a turn every month to be there to receive the shopping & put it away.

you need to work out what's making you resentful & deal with it, but suddenly blurting out that communal meals might need to stop is not the way to go about it. You've been treating him like family, now you've 'othered' him again, that's not very kind blurted out like that.

as for two friends for a weekend, cooking Mac & cheese for 8 instead of 6 isn't exactly costly or a big deal. If it's only one meal then so what? If it's more meals maybe all chip in for a takeaway or do a roast or he can cook.

you say you live to host, he asks ages ago if friends can stay one weekend and you make a big fat fuss about 2 portions of Mac n cheese. Makes no sense.