To not want to cook for my lodger’s friends?

[Itmustbeaproblemwithyourdoodad]

So we’re a household of 6 - me, my husband, our 3 small kids, and our lodger (late 20s, male, family friend we have known for years).

Since lockdown we eat together - I do the food shopping, meal planning and cook most of the meals. Lodger cooks one night a week, DH sometimes cooks at the weekend. Lodger washes up and cleans the kitchen while we’re putting the kids to bed.

I often feel a bit like our lodger is like having an extra child - although it is nice to come down from bedtime to the washing up all done.

This weekend our lodger has friends staying over from abroad and I asked if they were eating out or if he was planning to cook for them. His response surprised me a bit - he asked what I was planning to cook and when I said “probably macaroni cheese” he said “that’s quite easy to bulk up isn’t it?” Making it clear he is expecting, or at least hoping that I will cook for them. He made me feel a bit unreasonable for not wanting to cook for them but I feel like as his guests it is his responsibility to feed them. And that includes food shopping for them instead of just using the food in the cupboard (which he does financially contribute to but he literally never goes food shopping). I just don’t really fancy spending my weekend cooking for 8!

I like hosting too. I think I'd make it more communal. You can do macaroni cheese but how about he sorts salad and some go withs. And they clear up. Something like that?

Why don’t you swap his night to cook to the one when his guests are here

@Itmustbeaproblemwithyourdoodad

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/best-ever-macaroni-cheese-recipe

Just fyi OP, for this occasion only (for ease),

microwave, in a jug, all ingredients, the flour, butter, milk, garlic, mustard, cheeses, all together (in 2-3 minute bursts and whisk each time)

Combine with cooked pasta and pop in oven

Bulk out with garlic bread, baked potatoes, salad, on the side?

Why don't you give him notice?

Is it much more work to cook for 2 extra

He's being cheeky

i suspect you might not have minded if he hasn't expected it or had suggested cooking for everyone

Absolutely not is food part of lodgers!! Where on earth did you get that idea from?

It sounds like the communal meals / treating the lodger more like family is really nice and works for all of you. What doesn't work is the roles. So instead of stopping the shared meals, why not suggest altering the rota? Take it in turns to do the food shopping, and /or he cooks twice (or more) a week and you wash up on those days, whatever would remove the resentment for you.

Does pool your resources mean he gav eyou extra money for you to do shopping /cooking?

my sister wa a lodger meals were never inlcuded

I think it’s nice that you eat together with your lodger. I’d ask him to contribute extra to cover his friends’ meals. Things like spag Bol does take much effort to cook or bulk up. I can’t speak about the mac ‘n cheese as I’ve before made it. Maybe two meals cooked and then they get takeaway?

I understand where you’re coming from but for the sake of a weekend stay plus two extra people, I’d keep the peace as he sounds like an ideal lodger.

Good suggestion.

I doubt his friends will want to have dinner with a stranger's family either to be honest- I'm sure you're perfectly lovely but they'll have to be on best behaviour which is tiring especially as they're guests in your house as it is. Just tell him to take them out for a meal - it will be best all round or do a bbq and invite others.

I think you set yourself up for this when you agreed to have his guests stay. I think having them to stay does mean including them in meals as that is the current set up with your lodger. If you didn't want to host them, then you really should have said no to them staying. If your lodger normally cooked for himself , it would be a different matter. Seems a shame to stop the communal meal arrangement that was working well. I would have just told him no more guests after these and carried on as you were.

I agree that the lines here have been well and truly blurred. Just say you don’t feel like cooking for all of them and that, while they’re here, it’s best that the three of them make their own arrangements for dinner. You also need to decide if you want to stop communal meals altogether or, perhaps, cut them down. I think once a week, or even weekends, would be a good compromise if it’s something you don’t want to stop altogether.

I think there’s 2 separate issues. Lodger joining dinner every night seems to suit you all. Think about how convenient it is to have a lodger you like & get on with. You could suggest that x nights a week you each do your own thing. He clearly likes eating with you.

For the friends, I’d suggest that you invite them for one night then suggest they all do their own thing the rest of the week?

but with

I suspect you are feeling a bit put upon all round OP. You cook dinner 5/6 nights a week, deal with 3 small children and work too... and then you are feeding a lodger and vegan DH too.... sounds like both men need to shoulder a bit more of the work!

OP's lodger sounds great - he is paying for the food he eats, he's washing up most nights, he sometimes cooks, he's nice to have around...is it worth OP cutting off her nose to spite her face?

I agree, and he is a family friend to boot.

Thank you to all who corrected me re. meals being included with lodgings. I thought I had read up on the matter, but I guess that was quite a few years ago.

He made me feel a bit unreasonable for not wanting to cook for them

You can cut that feeling out right now missus!. YANBU.

OK?
Right. Now brace yourself, & tackle him. "lodger, I'm a bit bamboozled that you imagine I'm some kind of personal chef. I'm not your mum - I'm your friend & landlady. I'm happy to include you in family meals, but if you invite friends to dinner - YOU are responsible for feeding them. And that includes shopping & cooking - I am not your servant, young man."

Good luck & enjoy the macaroni cheese :)

In 19th century lodging houses, or mid-20th boarding/holiday houses, sure.

But this is 2022, & meals are certainly not 'provided'! A lodger is paying for a bedroom on the house, & reasonable sharing of communal rooms. They certainly don't get menu planning, shopping & catering included! - hence the well-known cliche of Fridge Frustration, labelled shelves etc - the more common food arrangement is petty squabbles about who nicked somebody else's last bit of cheese etc ...

PP aren't being mean Jenny.
They are rightly outraged by the breathtaking entitlement of a young man imagining he can order his landlady to provide domestic labour to friends he ought to be hosting himself. It's not about a couple of cups of macaroni ffs.

This, with knobs on.

Magna Carta?

I would happily add an extra meal every night to have someone do the cleaning up afterwards so I don't think that's an issue here at all.

I however would not be cooking for his friends and think it's rude that he just expected you to do that.

Have a chat about it with him and explain that he will need to cater for his friends as it's too much extra work and expense.

I assume that you/your DP will be responsible for kitchen clean up on those nights though.

I just saw your last update, personally, I think you likely hurt his feelings and that's why he went quiet. He has now gone from part of the family to excluded.

If I am honest, I wouldn't be giving up the current deal, an extra meal for the washing up (when he is paying for his own food also) is a great swap in labour for you/DP.

DP needs to put in more though as his diet is making things far harder than before.