To not want to cook for my lodger’s friends?

[Itmustbeaproblemwithyourdoodad]

So we’re a household of 6 - me, my husband, our 3 small kids, and our lodger (late 20s, male, family friend we have known for years).

Since lockdown we eat together - I do the food shopping, meal planning and cook most of the meals. Lodger cooks one night a week, DH sometimes cooks at the weekend. Lodger washes up and cleans the kitchen while we’re putting the kids to bed.

I often feel a bit like our lodger is like having an extra child - although it is nice to come down from bedtime to the washing up all done.

This weekend our lodger has friends staying over from abroad and I asked if they were eating out or if he was planning to cook for them. His response surprised me a bit - he asked what I was planning to cook and when I said “probably macaroni cheese” he said “that’s quite easy to bulk up isn’t it?” Making it clear he is expecting, or at least hoping that I will cook for them. He made me feel a bit unreasonable for not wanting to cook for them but I feel like as his guests it is his responsibility to feed them. And that includes food shopping for them instead of just using the food in the cupboard (which he does financially contribute to but he literally never goes food shopping). I just don’t really fancy spending my weekend cooking for 8!

You’ve allowed boundaries to blur by treating him like he’s a member of the family, so it’s hardly surprising he thinks his guests are welcome to dinner too!
personally I wouldn’t have a lodger who was also a friend.

Yep. He did ask a while ago and we said yes that’s fine (and I added that he’d obviously be washing their bedsheets, towels etc because honestly I’m not sure it would have occurred to him otherwise). The friends are a couple so it’d be cooking for 2 extra people not one.

We have a spare room (I know it must sound like a massive house but the kids all share a room and the spare room doubles up as the office for WFH) and we like hosting so it’s not really a problem to have his friends stay. Just was surprised and a bit put out that he’s expecting me to cook for them!

I do like cooking and I’m pretty good at it but with so many people I have to start quite early and there are never any leftovers to see us through other days. To complicate matters DH became a vegan a few months ago so now I have to factor that in too 🤦‍♀️

So what are you going to say to him?

I think by definition, meals are supposed to be provided with lodgings.

So the favour you would be doing him is allowing his guests to eat with you on this one occasion.

Unless a couple of cups of extra macaroni would break the bank, I think it would be gracious of you to do this.

Good grief people on here are mean!

Unbelievable OP.

Really Unbelievable.

3 young children, working.

He thinks you are the house skivvy.

Where is your husband in this?

How much is he doing to help generally?

I can't believe you haven't cracked up already.

I don't really see what there is to agonise over. 22-year-olds aren't known for thinking through household logistics so he may have thought "it'd be nice if my friends joined the family meal" rather than "that will create a ton more work for OP", so I wouldn't jump to calling him a CF unless it's part of a pattern. In fact it's a perfect opportunity for him to learn why that request doesn't go down well: "Sorry, it will be much more work for me to bulk it up and I don't want to spend my weekend cooking for 8. They're welcome to join the family meal if you or they do the cooking - or you're welcome to sort yourselves out separately." Done. No drama.

And if you want to revisit lockdown arrangements you should bring those up too! How will he know it's no longer working for you if you don't tell him?

Aren't you welcoming!

umm no definitely not unless you're running a lodging house in 1927...

No this isn’t the norm. It’s up to each landlord to agree terms .

I would suggest that, since he'll be cooking for himself and his guests, it would be nice if he included you and your family in a few meals for a change.

I think a lodger should be more self sufficient and should be looking after his guests. But you have blurred the boundaries and treat him like a family member, allow him to wash up after the five of you every day, so it doesn’t seem that surprising that he asked about macaroni being easy to bulk up?

I asked if they were eating out or if he was planning to cook for them. His response surprised me a bit - he asked what I was planning to cook and when I said “probably macaroni cheese” he said “that’s quite easy to bulk up isn’t it?” Making it clear he is expecting, or at least hoping that I will cook for them

@Itmustbeaproblemwithyourdoodad

This is the point you should have said

"Don't take the piss John. I don't mind you having people stay but I'm not cooking for them"

I don't actually believe anyone can be so meek and feeble about refusing such a ridiculous request, in their own home.

Very nearly spat tea all over my iPad there 😂

It seems as all price to pay for someone else to do the washing/cleaning up after, but I hate doing the dishes, especially after a roast…. Cook a roast make the most outta it!

Think I’d be pretty blunt and tell him you aren’t cooking for his mates. Surely they’ll want to go out? I know I wouldn’t want to sit with my mate’s landlord and dc when we could be going out to a restaurant/having dinner at the pub. Weird.

Just say you need to buy ingredients and cook yourself simple, no, ifs or buts

It’s macaroni cheese - not foie gras and soufflés. Just add a handful
more pasta and enjoy having another two guest in the house.

"Are you really expecting me to cook for your guests? I'm not your mum!"

I would compromise, 'I can stretch the macaroni for tonight John but cooking for extras isn't going to work for me the rest of the weekend so I'll leave you to sort yourselves after tonight'. I wouldn't want to change the normal arrangements for after his guests have gone home though, coming down to the dishes done once DC are in bed would be worth catering for one extra person for me.

Yep you’re right we have definitely blurred the boundaries. We spent so much time in lockdown together that he really does feel like a member of the family. And I think he really missed his family in lockdown so we were glad to fill in.

We had a lodger before him who wasn’t a friend and that was actually harder work - she found the general chaos of our house quite intense and we didn’t have the easiest relationship. In comparison current lodger is super chilled, laid back, and just a nice guy to be around.

Part of me feels like I’m being really petty as it is just macaroni cheese. But I’m also really enjoying the mumsnet’s indignation on my behalf.

I did tell lodger (as we cooked dinner together - he cooks on Fridays but I usually help to get it on the table before the kids get completely overtired) that maybe it’s time to stop the communal meals. He went very quiet and dinner was a bit awkward afterwards.

I think this is probably part of the problem with this situation.

'John' seems to see OP as a substitute mother figure.

It might be time to take a step back and reintroduce the system you had pre-covid.

Just seen your update OP.

Looks you're probably stuck with him expecting to be 'one of the family' for ever now.

Yes, he went a bit quiet because it meant he was going to have to go shopping and cook the bloody dinner every night!

"Yes it probably could be bulked up quite easily - if you want to take over the buying and making of macaroni cheese so your friends can be included then I'm happy with that".

Not unreasonable to not be happy with cooking for them, but you're responsible for setting a general tone for the house that you're happy with. Sounds like covid has meant it worked to have a communal, relaxed feel. If it's time to reel that back in then I think you just need to be clear about what you want.

Ahh I'm starting to feel sorry for your lodger! I had a lodger when my DH and I had our first baby; he was only 6 years younger then me but it was awkward because he had moved into our family home, and although we made him as welcome as we could i think he felt a bit of a spare part. So sometimes we ate together simply because it got too crowded with him trying to cook a meal while I was cooking for the rest of us, but he was a terrible cook so I didnt encourage him to cook for all of us in return.

I'm not sure he sees you as a skivvy, perhaps just thought he was getting on brilliantly with you and was a part of your family and now perhaps he doesn't feel quite as cosy.