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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to lend friend £50?

121 replies

CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 16:58

Context: left an abusive relationship last August. Ex was a coke addict and borrowed money off me constantly for various reasons/excuses. I was a mug and felt like one, hated myself for saying yes.

Now: made friends with a guy at work. He seems nice, bought me a cinema ticket when I was feeling down and I had a nice time. He's also complimented me a lot. Don't know if there's anything romantic there. We've probably been friends for about a month at most, before that we were colleagues.

Today he messaged me asking to borrow £50 and it's set all these alarms off in my head. He wants to borrow until Monday (payday). Affording it isn't the issue, I'm more suspicious of why he's asking me and what this means.

Am I being overly suspicious or is this weird behavior on his part?

We are both doctors but I'm part time, so he earns probably £5k a year more than me on average.

I think that's all the relevant details.

FWIW, I really don't want to lend him any money. I'm just feeling put on the spot/guilty and unsure how to say no.

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 22/04/2022 17:01

i would just say “sorry I can’t help”. You don’t need to have a reason not To and asking this soon into a friendship would be a red flag for me.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 22/04/2022 17:01

"Sorry things are tight for me too so I can't help"

notacooldad · 22/04/2022 17:02

I would be saying that I was about to ask him to lend me money as I'm a bit hard up myself just to see what reaction I got from him!
His reaction would be telling!!!

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:02

OurChristmasMiracle · 22/04/2022 17:01

i would just say “sorry I can’t help”. You don’t need to have a reason not To and asking this soon into a friendship would be a red flag for me.

Thanks - that's the way I felt, like we don't know each other nearly well enough. I'm fortunate enough to have many amazing friends and none of them have ever asked to borrow money! But I'd lend to them in a heartbeat if they ever did.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/04/2022 17:04

Just say “Sorry mate, no can do.”

Looks like a big red flag to me.

BishyBarnyBee · 22/04/2022 17:05

I know I'm missing the point here, but aren't doctors on quite a good salary? Seems odd that you are part time but only earn £5k less than him.

But anyway, I would only lend money to a friend I've known and trusted for many years. Definitely a no.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:06

BishyBarnyBee · 22/04/2022 17:05

I know I'm missing the point here, but aren't doctors on quite a good salary? Seems odd that you are part time but only earn £5k less than him.

But anyway, I would only lend money to a friend I've known and trusted for many years. Definitely a no.

My "part time" is 40hrs a week across 4 days, I'm 80% of full time (48). I make £1700 a month after tax.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 22/04/2022 17:07

Agree. Just say no you're afraid not. A bloke trying to cadge money off a woman is odd, especially a doctor. He has overdraft options/ credit cards etc. Him asking would make me distance myself from him. Being able to live within your means is important to me.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/04/2022 17:08

Hmmmm. I thought the usual way for doctors to deal with cashflow problems was to pull a few locum shifts, not to sponge off LTFT colleagues. It's not August so not as though he can be a new FY1 waiting on the first wage to come in.

Money4icecream · 22/04/2022 17:10

Don't do it and keep him as a colleage from now on. Noone normal would ask someone that they have only recently become friends with for money.

Sarkymarky · 22/04/2022 17:12

I would choose your friends more carefully a coke addict for a partner and a friend of one month that wants to borrow money. I would not lend the money and get better friends

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:12

Money4icecream · 22/04/2022 17:10

Don't do it and keep him as a colleage from now on. Noone normal would ask someone that they have only recently become friends with for money.

Yeah I agree. I know it sounds ridiculously self-indulgent but I constantly wonder why I attract men who want to use me for their own gain. Happens literally all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:13

Sarkymarky · 22/04/2022 17:12

I would choose your friends more carefully a coke addict for a partner and a friend of one month that wants to borrow money. I would not lend the money and get better friends

I was in an abusive relationship, being judgemental about it isn't particularly helpful.

I have many lovely friends. This is the first strange behaviour this man has shown.

OP posts:
OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:13

No way!

For a very old and trusted friend, if incoukd afford it and genuinely believed them to be desperate, I'd give it, but never lend anything you can't afford to lose.

For a recently aquired friend, who presumably knows something of your vulnerability, I'm offended and somewhat worried on your behalf that he'd even ask.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:15

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:13

No way!

For a very old and trusted friend, if incoukd afford it and genuinely believed them to be desperate, I'd give it, but never lend anything you can't afford to lose.

For a recently aquired friend, who presumably knows something of your vulnerability, I'm offended and somewhat worried on your behalf that he'd even ask.

Offended and worried is how I feel.

He knows nothing of my abusive ex, but he does know I was recently dumped by a man who wasn't abusive but treated me quite badly. It is well known among my friends that I'm a bit emotionally fragile currently.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/04/2022 17:17

I'd say no too. If he really needs the money, why not ask one of his close friends? Why is he asking someone he hasn't known for long? Most likely he has worn them out with asking and/or he doesn't pay people back.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:18

sonjadog · 22/04/2022 17:17

I'd say no too. If he really needs the money, why not ask one of his close friends? Why is he asking someone he hasn't known for long? Most likely he has worn them out with asking and/or he doesn't pay people back.

Very astute point.

OP posts:
OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:18

Take home of £1700 pm equates to less than £25k pa, for what is really a FT job. What kind of doctor are you?

pinkyredrose · 22/04/2022 17:19

V inappropriate of him. Tell him you can't help, don't apologise for it either.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:19

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:18

Take home of £1700 pm equates to less than £25k pa, for what is really a FT job. What kind of doctor are you?

An F1 hospital doctor, my first job after graduation. Base salary is only £28,808 for an F1 doctor.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 22/04/2022 17:23

My "part time" is 40hrs a week across 4 days, I'm 80% of full time (48). I make £1700 a month after tax.

I am totally missing the point of the thread (don't lend him the money), but £1,700pm net for 40hrs a week fir a doctor????

Chasingsquirrels · 22/04/2022 17:23

Cross posted with OP there.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:24

Chasingsquirrels · 22/04/2022 17:23

My "part time" is 40hrs a week across 4 days, I'm 80% of full time (48). I make £1700 a month after tax.

I am totally missing the point of the thread (don't lend him the money), but £1,700pm net for 40hrs a week fir a doctor????

Yep. Shocking isn't it.

And I owe £80k in student loans (5 years at uni) which I'll be paying off for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 22/04/2022 17:25

I am shocked, yes!

Dancer47 · 22/04/2022 17:28

Lending people money is BAD. it always leads to trouble, being taken advantage of etc. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be" - we are all taught this as kids, aren't we? From Hamlet

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.