AIBU not to lend friend £50?

[CordeliaChasex]

Context: left an abusive relationship last August. Ex was a coke addict and borrowed money off me constantly for various reasons/excuses. I was a mug and felt like one, hated myself for saying yes.

Now: made friends with a guy at work. He seems nice, bought me a cinema ticket when I was feeling down and I had a nice time. He's also complimented me a lot. Don't know if there's anything romantic there. We've probably been friends for about a month at most, before that we were colleagues.

Today he messaged me asking to borrow £50 and it's set all these alarms off in my head. He wants to borrow until Monday (payday). Affording it isn't the issue, I'm more suspicious of why he's asking me and what this means.

Am I being overly suspicious or is this weird behavior on his part?

We are both doctors but I'm part time, so he earns probably £5k a year more than me on average.

I think that's all the relevant details.

FWIW, I really don't want to lend him any money. I'm just feeling put on the spot/guilty and unsure how to say no.

He has more than enough money to live on- a lot more than most people. Something weird is going on if he can't manage his finances.

And he hasn't known you long enough for this to be at all appropriate @CordeliaChasex . Mind how you go with him, keep your eyes open.

Doctor's pay mightn't be a massive amount at first (still a lot more than many people get) but it definitely rises to it later.

It's more than a lot of people, but for five years of uni on a really competitive course, and working a job where most decisions could kill someone, it isn't great.

I think it’s irrelevant to say it’s still a lot more than other people get. “Other people” don’t get into £80k worth of student loan debt to get their average salary. “Other people” don’t work 60 hours a week for their average salary.

There is a document online that shows the average surgical trainee pays £20,000 to become a consultant surgeon NOT including uni fees.

Any country serious about maintaining a free healthcare system would be also serious about attracting and keeping the best medical talent in their healthcare system. It’s immoral that doctors and nurses get into their own personal debt to ultimately improve the quality of our NHS system. I can’t believe you pay that amount for your training but this is Tory UK (although Labour introduced the student fees to be fair to the Tories) so nothing should surprise me anymore.

Genuine thank you for all the work that you do. One of my children has a serious medical condition and the work that his care team do under increasing pressure due to staff shortages is truly humbling.

I wouldn’t worry too much about attracting the wrong type of men. You’ve spotted the red flag here and balked. Well done for that.

The secret to attracting the right type of man is to ruthlessly throw the wrong kind back in and not waste time on them.

Sadly there’s an abundance of the crap kind. They try it on with anyone and everyone.

i was a carer.... i earnt 1600 a month :S doing same hours. Wtf is that shit

Nope. It's asset stripping by stealth - drain the existing talent off into the encroaching private sector, & discourage emerging talent from applying.

Who cares if there are no more UK medical staff? We can hire 'em from the the States! Just sign here, Ms Patient... oh! can't afford to? Fuck off & die then.

For all of you that have slated me I was trying to give OP some constructive advice about the relationships that OP gets into. I am not victim blaming I was just suggesting that OP should take care about trusting people for her own well being. If it came across as anything else it was not intended in that way.

No definitely not.

He might be daddling in cocaine too, he must have borrowed money from everyone close to him now he is asking a new friend/colleague.

Smells of desperation.

It's more than a lot of people, but for five years of uni on a really competitive course, and working a job where most decisions could kill someone, it isn't great.
It isn't great at all.
I'm shocked. 😲
I appreciate your efforts and large student loans you are left with to help others.
You're obviously intelligent and could have had any career.

Lets be honest here and say that if you can’t trust a doctor then who can you trust?

If payday is Monday then I would personally lend him the £50 and wait till monday for him to pay it back.

If he doesn’t then there is a problem but give him the benefit of the doubt.

Eh?

@KettrickenSmiled,

What?
Why not give him the benefit of the doubt till payday on Monday.

And yes he is a doctor who we put our trust in and he hasn’t done anything to OP from what she has said.

F1 Dr isn’t fully qualified, they are still under supervision and have restrictions on practice eg don’t have the prescribing rights of registered drs. Mind you I’m not sure the pay goes up that much when they do qualify, it’s really not that great below consultant/GP partner level

I’d have leant a tenner maybe but £50 would have said no without hesitation or guilt. People who take advantage do know who to target..

@avamiah it seems to have escaped you that our OP is also a doctor, who we put our trust in. So I'm trusting her by bolstering her instinct & resolve on this matter.

And you've skated very conveniently past the fact that, far from not 'doing anything to OP', this colleague has embarrassed her & made her feel so uncomfortable that she - a far-too busy doctor, ffs, has felt compelled to reach out to the mumsnet vipers because she now feels in a quandary about a pushy & inappropriate request.

That's quite enough 'done to her' to be going on with. No need to compound it by risking not getting paid back on monday & all the ensuing awkwardness that would impose. Or advertising herself as a soft touch to a man she barely knows.

Can you not bother @ing me again until it's to send me £50 please?
Because I'm going to get tetchy if you keep recommending ridiculous actions that only benefit Mr Cadging but compromise OP. I might even start imagining it's due to sex-based preferentialism, & you really don't want to be tackling me on that particular little hornet's nest.
TIA

PS she's already said no.

This would be my thought.

Why now, and why £50?

he could easily wait until payday but chose to put you in a very awkward position, abusing the privileged position of friendship. He would plummet in my estimation of a friend.

"no I'm not in a position to lend you £50" without any further apology or qualification, shows him you are a woman of your word and taken no shit from anyone.

Why not give him the benefit of the doubt till payday on Monday.

Yeah, let's be apologists for sponging users who can't manage their money so put upon a decent colleague who they think will be a soft touch and buckle to their request for £50 rather than 'make a fuss' like women have been conditioned to for generations. Saying no, makes a strong person not a bad person.

It will feel empowering for her to say no I can't and see how he slinks off into the distance instead of saying Sorry that was an inappropriate request, I apologise for putting you in such an awkward position (which is what he should do if he had an iota of decency).

As for the 'charming' posters dissecting the OPs finances, I have no words.

That's about as low down as you can get.

Don’t give him any money OP.

Also absolutely flabbergasted that some of the people on here no nothing of how poorly paid and poorly treated junior doctors are. They’ve only been campaigning about it for fucking years. I earn much more than a junior doctor as a band 7 nurse. Junior doctors have a rubbish contract, rubbish hours, rubbish money, rubbish work/life balance, rubbish treatment from rota teams and consultants and very little autonomy over where they live or work.

I’m glad that you said no and I’m sorry you’ve had a shitty time. Things will get better.

I’m also shocked at your wage! You are on the same as a newly qualified nurse but do more hours and have a lot more responsibility 😮

This is a really great way to handle requests like this.

Wouldn’t lend any money if your not comfortable doing something then dont I wouldn’t lend it myself in this situation.
Also DD whose 14 wants to be a surgeon has done for a few years now can’t sway her away from it, the work, cost, time to get there, wage for many years, work hours, training plus everything else is exhausting and deflating just looking into it wish things were different op obviously the study and time I fully understand but the cost to study on top of that is saddening compared to other professions

Don’t loan him the money OP. It’s not normal behaviour for someone to ask a person they have only just become friends with for a loan. You mention that you are a bit vulnerable after your break up. Sadly some selfish people will sense this and exploit it. Stay strong and reply to him that you aren’t in a position to loan him money.