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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to lend friend £50?

121 replies

CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 16:58

Context: left an abusive relationship last August. Ex was a coke addict and borrowed money off me constantly for various reasons/excuses. I was a mug and felt like one, hated myself for saying yes.

Now: made friends with a guy at work. He seems nice, bought me a cinema ticket when I was feeling down and I had a nice time. He's also complimented me a lot. Don't know if there's anything romantic there. We've probably been friends for about a month at most, before that we were colleagues.

Today he messaged me asking to borrow £50 and it's set all these alarms off in my head. He wants to borrow until Monday (payday). Affording it isn't the issue, I'm more suspicious of why he's asking me and what this means.

Am I being overly suspicious or is this weird behavior on his part?

We are both doctors but I'm part time, so he earns probably £5k a year more than me on average.

I think that's all the relevant details.

FWIW, I really don't want to lend him any money. I'm just feeling put on the spot/guilty and unsure how to say no.

OP posts:
OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:28

OP must still be in training, which I appreciate is very long for doctors

NHS doctor salaries

Abouttoblow · 22/04/2022 17:29

Sarkymarky · 22/04/2022 17:12

I would choose your friends more carefully a coke addict for a partner and a friend of one month that wants to borrow money. I would not lend the money and get better friends

You really think the OP decided "oh I really want a coke addict for a partner" or "let me find a new friend that will hopefully want to borrow money from me?" People rarely open with the fact they're a coke addict or a loser when the meet someone new.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:30

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:28

OP must still be in training, which I appreciate is very long for doctors

NHS doctor salaries

I'm in training in the sense I'm not a consultant, but I don't like the terminology because I'm still a qualified doctor.

As you say, doctors are "in training" for 8yrs+ postgraduate.

OP posts:
Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:31

Abouttoblow · 22/04/2022 17:29

You really think the OP decided "oh I really want a coke addict for a partner" or "let me find a new friend that will hopefully want to borrow money from me?" People rarely open with the fact they're a coke addict or a loser when the meet someone new.

Show quote history

Thanks. That comment did sting a bit...

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 22/04/2022 17:31

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:28

OP must still be in training, which I appreciate is very long for doctors

NHS doctor salaries

Ah, that makes more sense - thanks.

(Still don't lend him the money OP)

BemoreDerek · 22/04/2022 17:32

You sound like you have your shit together OP, that's bound to be attractive to someone who, well.......doesn't. Your radar for spotting this type is clearly good though, you were right to feel uneasy and it is a red flag, don't get involved.

Our experiences shape us and (if/when you're ready to find a partner) you probably need someone who can match you in terms of self sufficiency, it's completely understandable you would be wary of people who want to lean on you financially after what you went through.

Just keep batting the ones who try back, they're annoying but they generally give up easily when it's clear you won't play. I hope someone nice comes along for you when you're ready, someone who wants nothing from you except your company Flowers

OctopusSay · 22/04/2022 17:33

Abouttoblow · 22/04/2022 17:29

You really think the OP decided "oh I really want a coke addict for a partner" or "let me find a new friend that will hopefully want to borrow money from me?" People rarely open with the fact they're a coke addict or a loser when the meet someone new.

Show quote history

I don't think OP "chose" but there's something about her that makes her seem like a good target for these people. Who asks a friend of a month to lend them £50?

That's not to say it's OP's fault, but it is something to be aware of and watch out for.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:34

BemoreDerek · 22/04/2022 17:32

You sound like you have your shit together OP, that's bound to be attractive to someone who, well.......doesn't. Your radar for spotting this type is clearly good though, you were right to feel uneasy and it is a red flag, don't get involved.

Our experiences shape us and (if/when you're ready to find a partner) you probably need someone who can match you in terms of self sufficiency, it's completely understandable you would be wary of people who want to lean on you financially after what you went through.

Just keep batting the ones who try back, they're annoying but they generally give up easily when it's clear you won't play. I hope someone nice comes along for you when you're ready, someone who wants nothing from you except your company Flowers

Thanks for such a kind post. I really have been through the mill romantically and I don't even actively date via apps etc., I just attract these men wherever I go.

I hope you're right.

OP posts:
45redballoons · 22/04/2022 17:36

Hi, did they ask you over a text or social media? I'm just wondering if it was definitely them who asked and they haven't actually been hacked? I got request like this just a few weeks ago from a friend.

Original poster
CordeliaChasex · 22/04/2022 17:36

I've told him "no" - thanks everyone. Will update if he says anything back.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 22/04/2022 17:42

I was about to say he doesn't deserve a response, but if he replies in any way negatively, do ignore and block.

Vikinga · 22/04/2022 17:43

Good for you op. If he doesn't have other options like overdraft, credit card, friends and family there must be something else going on. I've never asked any friends to borrow money and can't imagine asking someone I barely knew. £50 is a lot. I mean if he is down to his last few pennies before getting paid on monday then he could just have some tins and bread for a few days.

Vikinga · 22/04/2022 17:44

He could at least have explained to you why he needed that money.

greenmoney · 22/04/2022 17:44

Well done for standing firm.

IncompleteSenten · 22/04/2022 17:47

No.
If he's asking virtual strangers it means he's run out of friends and family willing to give lend him money

BluKorner · 22/04/2022 17:48

Doctors are notoriously underpaid. OP’s salary is very much the norm for her level.

It’s consultants and some GP work that has a decent income.

Well done for saying no OP.

Dagnabit · 22/04/2022 17:59

@BemoreDerek - this lovely comment is spot on.

nocoolnamesleft · 22/04/2022 18:04

Can absolutely vouch for the payscales described. It used to be partially offset by access to cheap onsite accommodation, as rotating between hospitals make it so hard to privately rent. But a lot of sites have got rid of that, and there's been no uplift in pay to compensate. Even consultant pay isn't what it used to be - 30% less in real terms than a decade ago.

Udder4Belief · 22/04/2022 18:08

No, no, no

I agree that if he is working FT, he should have access to over draft, credit cards, loans, savings, ask his family or friends first

Just say that with the cost of living increase, you can't afford to lend

familyissues12345 · 22/04/2022 18:09

Good for you op, he might just genuinely need it but it did sound a bit suss to me.

Good luck finding someone who deserves you x

Abitofalark · 22/04/2022 18:12

You are young and as you say, currently a bit bruised and fragile. When young we tend to be soft-hearted, trusting and approachable. That's a good thing but...some people are drawn to vulnerability and take an opportunity to exploit or prey upon.

Developing some self-protecting techniques and practising being assertive would be good. Here's an opportunity.
Instead of being diffident or polite, to not offend, be direct and firm and say "You don't know me well enough to ask and I don't know you well enough to lend." Stop and do not add excuses or explanations. Let him put it in his pipe and smoke it. Refuse to be drawn further and let your face or gestures show surprise, disapproval and finality. Now he is learning fast that you aren't susceptible and aren't a pushover. He will view you differently from that moment on and will take care not to tread on your toes in future.

Practise the same technique with men you are dating, daring to be assertive and firm rather than shy and shrinking. That's teaching them to view you and treat you with care and attention.

Winter2020 · 22/04/2022 18:12

Another person shocked at your salary OP.
I just went on a salary site and it estimates for 48 hours at £28,800 ish it’s about £11.55 an hour.

I think just hearing the salary doesn’t sound too bad but would have expected that to be for 37/38 hours and anything you worked over that to be claimed.

Wage campaigners need to highlight it’s not the actual annual salary alone that’s the problem but the fact that that salary for a longer working week leaves the hourly rate very poor for all that responsibility and training.

Thanks for what you do OP.

evilharpy · 22/04/2022 18:13

I had something very similar recently OP - someone I'd become a bit friendly with very recently (but don't know well at all) asked to borrow a tenner till Monday. I'm a soft touch and lent her the tenner (knowing I can afford to write off a tenner), and she did pay it back as promised. Couple of weeks later she asked again to borrow a tenner till payday and this time I said no because I'm not a payday loan company.

She seems to have many close friends (on facebook anyway) and I thought there must be a reason she wasn't asking them. My best friends who I've known for years know that if they were in genuine need I'd empty my bank account for them, no question. But someone I've only known for a few months and not very well at all - not so much.

gamerchick · 22/04/2022 18:16

Well if anything, he's obviously shit with money and has the gujoins to ask someone he doesn't know well for money, which could indicate he's ran out of people to ask.

I'd keep him at arms length.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/04/2022 18:19

I'd be more concerned about him asking a colleague, & relatively new friend for a loan than the fact of the £50 itself ... where are his old friends, his family? Would it not have been WAY more approrpiate to ask them, rather than a colleague?

Given your history, of course you are going to ruminate on this. I have some ... similar experiences, & would now be wary of any PATTERN (not isolated incidents necessarily) of behaviours that might indicate -

  • favour sharking (the cinema tickets)
  • forced teaming (this is an old colleague-ship but brand new friendship - how did that come about? have there been any hints of "us vs: them!" or similar attempts to expedite bonding beyond the usual getting-to-know-you?
  • boundary testing (the loan - see Shark Cage metaphor link) www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/
Having said all that - this doesn't need to be an either/or situation. You can decline the loan, but continue to develop the friendship. You'll soon discover whether this was a clumsy & embarrassing over-step, or a pattern of something more sinister.

When you decline to loan him money - DO NOT JADE - outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain
Just neutrally tell him that you are unable to, but hopes he can sort something out with another friend. You need say nothing more than that & if there is the slightest pushback, you'll know he's at minimum a CF to be avoided in future.

Hope all is well & he's just made an awkward social faux pas, & you can continue to enjoy a new friendship.
best of luck