AIBU not to lend friend £50?

[CordeliaChasex]

Context: left an abusive relationship last August. Ex was a coke addict and borrowed money off me constantly for various reasons/excuses. I was a mug and felt like one, hated myself for saying yes.

Now: made friends with a guy at work. He seems nice, bought me a cinema ticket when I was feeling down and I had a nice time. He's also complimented me a lot. Don't know if there's anything romantic there. We've probably been friends for about a month at most, before that we were colleagues.

Today he messaged me asking to borrow £50 and it's set all these alarms off in my head. He wants to borrow until Monday (payday). Affording it isn't the issue, I'm more suspicious of why he's asking me and what this means.

Am I being overly suspicious or is this weird behavior on his part?

We are both doctors but I'm part time, so he earns probably £5k a year more than me on average.

I think that's all the relevant details.

FWIW, I really don't want to lend him any money. I'm just feeling put on the spot/guilty and unsure how to say no.

Sorry mate I can’t afford it.

is the only appropriate response. If he says ‘no of course, was wrong of me to ask, hope you’re ok don’t worry about me’ and means it there might be hope for the friendship otherwise a distant colleague he should remain.

It isn’t a lie either, you can’t afford it.

Well done on saying No. He’s a right cf to ask a (newish) friend to borrow £50. Surely he has an overdraft facility, and if that’s already maxed out, then he’s not responsible with money. The £50 could be the first of many requests.

Thank you for this valued input Sarky, it isn't proper AIBU until OP has been judged & victim blamed, so to encounter a sterling example on page 1 of a thread is always a bonus.

GPs are not well paid- used to be but now not a sensible graduate career.

Neither are consultants anymore when you consider the level of responsibility

Yeah that's sadly true.

I am fortunate because I like my job. Not so much the drudgery of being the most junior, but I am pursuing a surgical career, and the brief moments I get in theatre or when I feel I've done something that's made my patient happy, that's priceless.

I agree that if he is working FT, he should have access to over draft, credit cards, loans, savings, ask his family or friends first

Exactly, and if he's asking the OP, that means that he's probably maxed out all the aforementioned options, or he's a financial mess and not the sort of people you should be lending money to.

Very likely you won't get it back and also that you're prolonging him sorting himself out either by budgeting better or getting debt help.

@Limoux That’s why I said “some” GP work.

Thank you for your medical service Dr. Cordelia. Forget that man and his borrowings. I cannot believe that anyone would brazenly ask for a loan without a huge red face and lots of explanations. Skin like a rhino I suppose.

I too am totally shocked at the level of pay you quote. Per hour it is not much more than minimum wage really. I am not demeaning you or your profession, just the societal (Government policy?) acceptance of it. People who have gone through years of training for such a responsible role should be valued much much more. The reality is that banging pots and pans and clapping mean nothing, but financial reward which mirrors respect is key.

I hope when you qualify that you emigrate to a country that values you, and you make LOTS of money doing a wonderful specialised job. Sorry to knock the system here, but it is rather shocking.

This is a test. He is trying to gauge where your boundaries lie.. thankfully you have spotted the red flag. If you hadn't of this would just be the beginning of many favours he would be asking for. Asking someone you have been friends with for a month to lend you money is a massive red flag.. you need to put and keep him firmly back in the colleague only zone.

It will KEEP HAPPENING only if you allow it.

Please don’t lend this chancer £50.
Don’t be taken for an easy touch.

I say “ I’m not in a position to lend money”

Only lend if you can afford to kiss goodbye to that money.

Yeah agree with pp, just reply "sorry I can't". Don't explain further. You don't owe him anything. No need to explain your decision. Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right then don't do it. You don't have to say yes. If he doesn't like it, who cares ? You barely know him anyway.

Definitely would not be saying you were hard up. I'd just say I don't lend money to friends and leave it at that.

@CordeliaChasex best name ever - worlds biggest Cordelia fan ❤️
Hope you're ok Op, you've been through a lot x

Well done for red flag spotted and acting appropriately OP. Better relationships are waiting, if you can keep knocking back the dodge pots,like that.

You say “No, no can do”.
No apologies, just NO!

How dare he!! Do not feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

To be your friend ONE MONTH, then send a MESSAGE putting the feelers out for fifty quid?

Ew!

Ignore it or say sorry I don't have it, I'm skint.

Nope. Classic tactic - start small, build up, before you know it he'll be wanting £+++ Too soon, red flags all over the place.

On the rare occasion I’ve been asked, I simply say I have a long-held policy of not lending money to friends. It confirms the friendship, doesn’t make it personal, and makes sure they don’t ask again.

Yes don't believe the Daily Heil that all doctors earn £150k a year. Only a small fraction do. I earn more than a FY1 doctor (who are newly qualified out of med school). Our manager salaries can be more than a specialist trainee.

@CordeliaChasex you sound like a nice person who has been taken advantage of in the past... it can happen to anyone in all walks of life... anyway because you have a kind soul I guess that's why you're asking for opinions on whether to lend this new friend 50 quid or not...

Trust your instinct and judgement as you're very capable of that - I think you're inner voice is saying 'no' and it's the right decision. Because of what you've been through I believe your experience has made you more aware of recognising 'false friends' which is what he is. As PP's have said why would he ask to borrow money from a new friend instead of long standing friends unless he's exhausted all possibilities so that's a major red flag... also what does he need to money for, could it be drug related from working very long hours as a doctor? Is he testing you to see if you'll agree and then he may ask for more?

Can people stop being so bloody rude and nosy about the exact details of the OP’s salary, ffs? It’s really not the point of her question.

OP, it’s inappropriate for a colleague to ask to borrow money from you, even if you’ve recently become friends. If he’d asked you to lend him a fiver for a meal deal on the go because he’d left his wallet in his locker, fine. But £50 until pay day?! Absolutely not. As others have said, he has probably either borrowed money from closer friends/family before and they’ve started saying no to him - or perhaps they all know what he’s spending his money on and think he’s reckless with his cash and needs to rein it in. Either way, tell him no and if he asks you again, tell him not to ask you again because it’s making you feel uncomfortable.

I’m shocked that people are shocked at OP’s salary- WTF does everyone think the sustained but ultimately unsuccessful junior doctor strikes were for?! Why do you think NHS workers hate Jeremy Hunt?

Less and less of our brightest 18 year olds choosing to go to uni to become a doctor - and I don’t blame them. £60k+ in debt, 3 more years of studying than their peers who choose accounting, banking, law or engineering. And while their peers who land professional jobs in the City walk into £40k+ salaries in their first graduate job (increasing to £60-150k after 2-3 years), the junior doctors are on mid 20s salaries with less pay increases, constant training required, more uni debt but comparable (or longer) work hours. And to top it all off, the camaraderie and respect that used to come with being a doctor is gone - patients blame doctors about not being seen (when ultimately the lack of sufficient funding and staff shortages mean the NHS is in crisis), and colleagues throw you under the bus for mistakes which are easy to make when working 24+ hour shifts.

And yet the public perception is that doctors are wealthy. Most of the wealthy doctors are senior consultants who also work privately or locum.

Good decision, OP

Is it only me who suspects that the poor pay rates for doctors (while tabloids suggest they are overpaid and lazy) just another symptom in the running down of the NHS, in order to build the case for privatising it ?

And I pay:

£50 pa to the GMC.
£10 pa for medical defense union.
£6ish pm for BMA (trade union).
£550 for part A of my surgical exam, an exam with a 30% pass rate.
£90 for a surgical course.
£300ish to fly to Scotland for a conference to add to my surgical training portfolio (essential to get max points at interview, and you need 3!).
£10-£30 pa for membership to various royal colleges.

There is a document online that shows the average surgical trainee pays £20,000 to become a consultant surgeon NOT including uni fees.