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Original poster

General MN feeling seems to be you should have sex when you don't want to?

82 replies

mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 13:27

I see women post 'he won't have sex with me' and the answer invariably is 'it's a dealbreaker, leave him, he's selfish'

But what about if you don't want sex? Should you force yourself/do it anyway?

If you're a woman who has gone off sex for no reason other than you just don't want to be touched in that way for whatever reason, should the man leave you/you're being selfish/ or you should just do it anyway?

Or does it only apply to men?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2022 13:36

Nobody should have sex they don’t want. But equally, nobody should have to stay in a sexless relationship if they don’t want to. If you’ve stopped wanting sex with a partner who does want it and don’t want to try to address it then it’s best for both of you if you separate.

LimeSegment · 19/04/2022 13:38

That's a bit unfair, if you are thinking of the thread that is in active at the moment, it wasn't that the dp turned down sex once, it's that they haven't had regular sex for years and he didn't want to talk about the issue. And no one said "he is selfish". Some people did say that if the relationship isn't working out in this important (to the OP) area, then it's probably best to end the relationship, especially since OP is young and doesn't have dcs.

If it's you that doesn't want sex OP, start your own thread with all the details of your exact situation. There isn't one answer "always have sex" or "sex is meaningless everyone should be fine without it".

ReadyToMoveIt · 19/04/2022 13:38

It’s the exact opposite from what I have read on here. People are clear that no one should feel pressured into having sex if they don’t want to, for whatever reason.
Equally, no one should be forced to stay in a sex less relationship if they don’t want to.

AHungryCaterpillar · 19/04/2022 13:39

I do think if a man posted complaining his partner won’t have sex with him he would get very different responses and called a sex pest and made out like he is a potential rapist

gamerchick · 19/04/2022 13:40

Nobody should feel pressured into having sex they dont want. I haven't seen what you've described. However for some, sex is a deal-breaker. Or intimacy is. If my husband wouldn't touch me I'd respect that but I would end the marriage.

Andariego · 19/04/2022 13:42

@AHungryCaterpillar

I do think if a man posted complaining his partner won’t have sex with him he would get very different responses and called a sex pest and made out like he is a potential rapist
I disagree with this - I’ve always noticed the majority of posts say that nobody should be forced into having sex, however, it’s unfair for someone to be in a sexless relationship if that was not what was agreed on from the outset (asexual relationships, etc)
MissChanandlerBong80 · 19/04/2022 13:42

If this is prompted by the thread that’s active at the moment, the issue is that he hasn’t wanted sex for years, won’t talk about why and humiliated the OP when she suggested it.

gamerchick · 19/04/2022 13:43

@AHungryCaterpillar

I do think if a man posted complaining his partner won’t have sex with him he would get very different responses and called a sex pest and made out like he is a potential rapist
No that's not the case at all
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/04/2022 13:45

Nobody has to have sex if they don’t want to. If one partner effectively decides they want a platonic relationship then the other partner does not have to agree and can walk away.
You can’t make someone have sex but nor can you impose a sexless relationship without the other person having the option to leave.

IncompleteSenten · 19/04/2022 13:45

Why can't both things be true?

Nobody should be pressured into sex they don't want.

Nobody should be forced to stay in a relationship where their needs are not being met.

Original poster
mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 13:46

@ComtesseDeSpair

Nobody should have sex they don’t want. But equally, nobody should have to stay in a sexless relationship if they don’t want to. If you’ve stopped wanting sex with a partner who does want it and don’t want to try to address it then it’s best for both of you if you separate.
Not necessarily true if you have children in a loving family, in my view. I accept your view is different. I think it's a little defeatist to leave because of that one thing. What if the child is devastated? It's okay to lave because you need a shag?
OP posts:
DeyHuggee · 19/04/2022 13:47

That's not the consensus at all, but similarly if your sex drive doesn't match that of your partners it can be an issue- and if someone is unhappy about it then yes it can be a dealbreaker. If a man posted that his partner didn't ever want sex (but was respectful about it, discussed it civilly and didn't apply pressure but it was clear that was never going to change) I expect the replies would be similar. Its different being in a largely sexless relationship and being in a relationship where both parties are comfortable saying no sometimes when they don't want sex. The no is the same and the no should be respected the same, but the impact on the relationship is different.

ReadyToMoveIt · 19/04/2022 13:48

It's okay to lave because you need a shag?

It’s ok to leave a relationship for any reason at all, if you’re unhappy.

carefullycourageous · 19/04/2022 13:48

I don't recognise the picture you are painting OP.

I agree with these two statements posted by @IncompleteSenten :
Nobody should be pressured into sex they don't want.

Nobody should be forced to stay in a relationship where their needs are not being met.

RicherThanYew · 19/04/2022 13:49

I see your perspective op. I was horrified recently when reading a thread about a woman who had week long periods and her partner was asking her for sexual acts during her periods (I believe the specific phrase was something along the lines of "Give me a blowie") and not only were posters telling her she could at least help him out as a week out of every month was a long time to go without but also that she should seek medical advice as a week long period is too much Hmm I sometimes wonder if MN isn't purely used by trolls, incels or MRAs.

Krakenchorus · 19/04/2022 13:50

@ComtesseDeSpair

Nobody should have sex they don’t want. But equally, nobody should have to stay in a sexless relationship if they don’t want to. If you’ve stopped wanting sex with a partner who does want it and don’t want to try to address it then it’s best for both of you if you separate.
^^That.
Original poster
mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 13:51

@LimeSegment

That's a bit unfair, if you are thinking of the thread that is in active at the moment, it wasn't that the dp turned down sex once, it's that they haven't had regular sex for years and he didn't want to talk about the issue. And no one said "he is selfish". Some people did say that if the relationship isn't working out in this important (to the OP) area, then it's probably best to end the relationship, especially since OP is young and doesn't have dcs.

If it's you that doesn't want sex OP, start your own thread with all the details of your exact situation. There isn't one answer "always have sex" or "sex is meaningless everyone should be fine without it".

No, it's about threads I've seen over the past few months and my comments are a summation of various themes I've noticed that repeat.

Yes I totally take the point about being willing to talk, that does make all the difference.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/04/2022 13:52

Not necessarily true if you have children in a loving family, in my view. I accept your view is different. I think it's a little defeatist to leave because of that one thing. What if the child is devastated? It's okay to lave because you need a shag?

It's not that simple. It's intamacy, lots of cuddles and bonding time. Humans need that stuff in a relationship usually. Being constantly rejected kills the soul and eventually you stop trying. That's when the relationship is dead. No way I'd stay in a dead relationship just for the sake of the kids.

You can tell you that it's fine as much as you want. But if it isn't previously agreed then it's unfair on the partner and they have the right to leave the relationship. It's that simple. It isn't something I would ignore without a chat first. No way.

Original poster
mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 13:52

@LimeSegment

That's a bit unfair, if you are thinking of the thread that is in active at the moment, it wasn't that the dp turned down sex once, it's that they haven't had regular sex for years and he didn't want to talk about the issue. And no one said "he is selfish". Some people did say that if the relationship isn't working out in this important (to the OP) area, then it's probably best to end the relationship, especially since OP is young and doesn't have dcs.

If it's you that doesn't want sex OP, start your own thread with all the details of your exact situation. There isn't one answer "always have sex" or "sex is meaningless everyone should be fine without it".

I speak to my partner about these things, and work them out together. You are right, that is key.
OP posts:
Krakenchorus · 19/04/2022 13:52

I think it's a little defeatist to leave because of that one thing.

Your partner might disagree, and that would be entirely valid. "That one thing" is hugely important to a lot of people and worth ending a relationship.

OneTC · 19/04/2022 13:54

Your basic premise is the exact opposite of what I generally read on here

PlasticineMeg · 19/04/2022 13:54

This is MN. Of course women are told they should have sex on tap and is the husbands so much as hesitate then he’s probably having an affair, has a cocaine problem and you should LTB. NOW. (Always a shouty now).

But if a player’s DH says so much as ‘I fancy you’ when you’re not in the mood he’s a sex abuser and you should call 111 immediately. Or NOW.

PlasticineMeg · 19/04/2022 13:54

101 rather

PriestessofPing · 19/04/2022 13:55

Why are you so dismissive of a lack of intimacy? You may think it’s just a shag, but for many people physical intimacy is a key part of a healthy relationship.

Dissimilitude · 19/04/2022 13:57

I find that 75% of these threads are sensible folk, and the other 25% are people basically writing variations of I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD PRIORITISE THIS ASPECT OF LIFE DIFFERENTLY TO ME.