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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

General MN feeling seems to be you should have sex when you don't want to?

82 replies

mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 13:27

I see women post 'he won't have sex with me' and the answer invariably is 'it's a dealbreaker, leave him, he's selfish'

But what about if you don't want sex? Should you force yourself/do it anyway?

If you're a woman who has gone off sex for no reason other than you just don't want to be touched in that way for whatever reason, should the man leave you/you're being selfish/ or you should just do it anyway?

Or does it only apply to men?

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/04/2022 15:02

@Chersfrozenface

I have some sympathy for the OP here.

There have been umpteen threads on MN about "maintenance sex" with, I would say, a majority of the posters advising women to have sex even if they don't feel like it, generally with a cheery "you'll get into it eventually", "you'll enjoy it once you start", "fake it till you make it" etc.

I have never seen this on here. We must move around in very different threads.
Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 15:03

No one should have sex if they don’t want to. But the threads on ‘maintenance sex’ on relationships board make sense to me. It’s easy to let it go by wayside when children young and hard to get back. If it’s can’t be bothered then making an effort to keep it going can be healthy. If you fancy them, like them, they aren’t an abusive partner and always enjoy it when you get going then recognising that sometimes making effort and you’ll like it when you get going isn’t a bad thing to do. Intimacy is important.

Mummytobe93 · 19/04/2022 15:10

I wouldn’t call sex with your significant other “just a shag” @mrziggycoco is that all sex is for you in a relationship?

Because for me is an intimacy and making me feel desired, and show my husband I desire and fancy him. I know people have got different needs, maybe some don’t feel the need to be sexually connected to their partner, I do.

Sex is something that only your partner can give you, so making a one sided decision of cutting it out of your lives is not fair.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 15:12

@Dixiechickonhols

No one should have sex if they don’t want to. But the threads on ‘maintenance sex’ on relationships board make sense to me. It’s easy to let it go by wayside when children young and hard to get back. If it’s can’t be bothered then making an effort to keep it going can be healthy. If you fancy them, like them, they aren’t an abusive partner and always enjoy it when you get going then recognising that sometimes making effort and you’ll like it when you get going isn’t a bad thing to do. Intimacy is important.
I agree with this, and maybe it's down to personal choice and the individual but when I've not had sex for a while, I start to not really be that bothered about it. When I do make an effort, I find the more I do it, the more I want it.

Sometimes, you DO need to make an effort to get yourself in the mood, but it depends on your reasons for not wanting it in the first place.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 15:14

@Mummytobe93

I wouldn’t call sex with your significant other “just a shag” *@mrziggycoco* is that all sex is for you in a relationship?

Because for me is an intimacy and making me feel desired, and show my husband I desire and fancy him. I know people have got different needs, maybe some don’t feel the need to be sexually connected to their partner, I do.

Sex is something that only your partner can give you, so making a one sided decision of cutting it out of your lives is not fair.

Completely agree with the bottom statement. If you don't want to have it anymore, at all, be honest with your partner so they can make their own decision about whether it's something that they are happy to go without.

A quick look around internet forums and you'll discover that a dead bedroom is a big driver of affairs (for both men and women)

Mummytobe93 · 19/04/2022 15:20

I think it’s very easy for people who don’t want to be intimate with their partner to objectify sex and be like “it’s just sex, you be ok without it”.

What if your partner told you that from now on he won’t, let’s say, kiss you on the lips/hold your hand/cuddle when you watch TV (whatever is more important to you) because they don’t feel like it no more. Would it be considered more cruel/cold, would you feel rejected?

It’s very easy to demonise sex but if you think it’s as important for some as cuddling etc. then it might be easier to comprehend why lack of it in a relationship builds so much hurt & resentment.

Shoxfordian · 19/04/2022 15:20

I don’t think it’s about leaving because you want a shag but because sexual intimacy is part of being married; without it then you’re just friends or roommates in my view.

I never think anyone should have sex they don’t want but if you’re never going to want sex and your partner does then you need to consider letting them go have it with other people or ending the relationship

UnbeatenMum · 19/04/2022 15:24

In a loving long term relationship I think it's ok to make the effort if you're a bit tired, didn't particularly fancy it but know you will enjoy it anyway. With a partner who has perhaps communicated their interest but not pressured you. Doing it when it hurts, when you can't bear to be touched, when your partner is abusive or when you don't want to but can't face the consequences of not doing it - no. Not having sex and not talking about why also seems weird to me, again assuming a positive long term relationship.

KilmordenCastle · 19/04/2022 15:31

If DH stopped wanting to have sex with me, consistently rejected me when I tried to initiate and refused to try to find the cause of the problem and fix it then I would leave him. He is well aware of this and has said he would do the same if I stopped wanting sex and made no effort to resolve the issue. We've discussed it a few times and are both on the same page.

As many others have said, no one should be having sex that they don't want but also no one should be forced to stay in a relationship that they are unhappy in. Sex is really important to some people and really unimportant to others. You can only know how important it is to you, you don't get to decide how important it is to your partner.

Original poster
mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 15:32

@Mummytobe93

I wouldn’t call sex with your significant other “just a shag” *@mrziggycoco* is that all sex is for you in a relationship?

Because for me is an intimacy and making me feel desired, and show my husband I desire and fancy him. I know people have got different needs, maybe some don’t feel the need to be sexually connected to their partner, I do.

Sex is something that only your partner can give you, so making a one sided decision of cutting it out of your lives is not fair.

But is it a decision to not want sex? You either want it or you don't. You don't decide to not want it. It's something that cannot be helped.
OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 15:32

It’s not just a shag though. It’s intimacy and connection with a partner. Feeling undesirable if you are constantly rejected. There’s a vast difference between posters who are clearly in abusive set ups with men demanding all sorts sexually often when they are exhausted with babies and young children and women who are happily married and have maybe put sex on back burner but actually would enjoy sex. Two threads I recall recently were a husband wanting a weekend away whilst mil had kids and another husband wanting accommodation with separate adult bedroom on holiday and in both cases most responses were of the view it wasn’t an unreasonable ask. But these were happy none abusive marriages just where sex had gone on back burner.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 15:35

But is it a decision to not want sex? You either want it or you don't. You don't decide to not want it. It's something that cannot be helped.

And that's fine - but it's not reasonable to expect someone else who enjoys sex and intimacy to want it. And unfortunately there's no happy compromise.

Dissimilitude · 19/04/2022 15:37

But is it a decision to not want sex? You either want it or you don't. You don't decide to not want it. It's something that cannot be helped.

Some people don't want it, but recognise this is potentially damaging to their partner, take steps to reassure them and promise to try to recover it.

Some don't, and just expect their partners to lump it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2022 15:40

But is it a decision to not want sex? You either want it or you don't. You don't decide to not want it. It's something that cannot be helped.

It’s about how somebody responds to it though. Being depressed, for example, is not a choice and I wouldn’t leave a partner simply for having depression; but if they refused to see a doctor, or take their medication, or engage with therapy, or do things to improve their mood like exercise and diet change etc and expected me to just put up with their depression indefinitely, then I’d probably leave them for not showing any willingness to solve anything. The same is true of sex: by the time somebody feels they want to leave a sexless relationship it’s usually because their partner hasn’t wanted to try to address the issue and has decided that because no sex suits them it also has to suit their partner.

FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 15:41

It can be helped though. Effort can be made if you feel it’s worth it, but if you shrug your shoulders and expect your partner to just suck it up, then you’re not doing your best by your marriage.

SatinHeart · 19/04/2022 15:44

From what I've read on mumsnet, if you don't want it you just say 'no' and then don't offer your partner any other explanation at all, no matter how long or serious your relationship.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 15:44

It’s not as simple as want it or don’t. It can be helped sometimes. Eg contraception or medical conditions like diabetes.
Responsive desire is worth looking into. A lot of women fall into this category.

KilmordenCastle · 19/04/2022 15:45

But is it a decision to not want sex? You either want it or you don't. You don't decide to not want it. It's something that cannot be helped

But I would expect DH to try to find the cause of his feelings. To do whatever he can (with my support) to try and get that desire back. If his attitude was just "🤷‍♀️ I don't want it any more, the end" then I would feel I had no choice but to leave. He doesn't just get to decide that I have to be celibate.

dworky · 19/04/2022 15:45

@PriestessofPing

Why are you so dismissive of a lack of intimacy? You may think it’s just a shag, but for many people physical intimacy is a key part of a healthy relationship.
Only if both are enthusiastic to have it. No-one should be having sex they don't want.
SpilltheTea · 19/04/2022 15:56

No one is saying have sex if you don't want it. I wouldn't expect anyone to stay in a sexless relationship if they weren't happy with it. So what if they can't help not wanting sex? The other partner doesn't choose to want it either, so your argument doesn't make sense. People often become incompatible over time.

alltheteeshirts · 19/04/2022 16:12

Sometimes not wanting sex has an underlying medical cause (e.g. recovering after childbirth).

Sometimes not wanting sex is indicative of a problem in the relationship (e.g. clashing over big issues) or with the person (e.g. depression).

I think it's important to understand why one person doesn't want sex, as it can be about more than sex.

If you are no longer physically attracted to your partner, then it's not fair to expect them to spend the rest of their life without sex, and you're no longer in a romantic relationship anyway - assuming you aren't fighting all the time, you're living as friends. Not romantic partners.

If two people have a mismatch in how much sex they want, often there's a compromise. However, if one person doesn't want any, then the gap is too big for compromise.

Sex isn't always 'just a shag.' It's unkind to minimise it in that way.

No one should have to have sex if they don't want. But no one should expect a relationship with sex to turn into a sexless marriage and for the other person to not consider leaving.

In a happy, loving relationship, I'd consider having less sex or more sex than I ideally wanted. I wouldn't consider no sex. I have enough platonic friends.

KilmordenCastle · 19/04/2022 16:17

Only if both are enthusiastic to have it.
No-one should be having sex they don't want this has been written by nearly every poster on this thread. And is repeated over and over on any thread on this topic. I don't think anyone disagrees with this statement.

But if:
-There are no physical reasons to not have sex (for example pain)
-Your partner is a good partner, treats you well and isn't in any way abusive
-Your partner pulls their weight with dcs and house stuff so that you aren't completely burnt out
-They take care of their health, appearance and hygiene
And yet you choose to stick your fingers in your ears and say "I don't want sex anymore, we're not having sex anymore, no one should be having sex they don't want" then don't be surprised if you're marriage breaks down.

Marvellousmadness · 19/04/2022 16:18

You can stop having sex with your dh
But eventually your marriage will be over. Or cheating will happen. Either/both are enevitable

Physical intimacy is one of the most important things in a relationship and if you one day want to give up on that that is fine. But don't expect your partner to be ok with it.

I wouldnt be

collieresponder88 · 19/04/2022 16:22

@ReadyToMoveIt

It's okay to lave because you need a shag?

It’s ok to leave a relationship for any reason at all, if you’re unhappy.

I agree it's not as simple as leaving for a shag. Being in a sexless relationship can make you deeply unhappy it's very important to some people. They would be entitled to walk away if it was making them that unhappy regardless of anything else !
tfresh · 19/04/2022 16:29

We do lots of things we don't want to in life. Having sex with your partner once per week, even if you don't really fancy it, is a small price to pay imo.