General MN feeling seems to be you should have sex when you don't want to?

[mrziggycoco]

I see women post 'he won't have sex with me' and the answer invariably is 'it's a dealbreaker, leave him, he's selfish'

But what about if you don't want sex? Should you force yourself/do it anyway?

If you're a woman who has gone off sex for no reason other than you just don't want to be touched in that way for whatever reason, should the man leave you/you're being selfish/ or you should just do it anyway?

Or does it only apply to men?

Of course if both want it. My post was referring to this really dismissive attitude some people have towards sex, like it’s almost selfish or pathetic to want ‘a shag’, and of little importance. Whereas for many people, sex and other forms of physical intimacy are hugely bonding and important.

If one person isn’t into it then I don’t think they should go ahead and do it regularly. But on the flip side, i’ve seen a lot of attitudes posted here over the years where someone wanting sex is almost viewed with derision. I’ve seen people being told to stay in basically sexless marriages for example because if they left they are being selfish and not putting the kids first ‘all for sex’ (like that’s a flimsy reason) with no consideration about how soul-destroying it can be to long to be intimate with a partner and to be rejected constantly.

But is it a decision to not want sex? You either want it or you don't. You don't decide to not want it. It's something that cannot be helped.

Then you are simply flatmates. And so, you should separate. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. If one wants it and another doesn't, you have no business being in the relationship. It's really that simple. It's about basic human principles. No one has to want sex if they don't want to, but if they don't want sex and refuse to talk about it, LEAVE your partner and let them find happiness. If you don't want sex, don't be in a relationship. It's not that hard to understand.

But is it a decision to not want sex? You either want it or you don't. You don't decide to not want it. It's something that cannot be helped

It's not as clear cut as that. There is a difference between, eg:

A. I actively don't want sex; the thought is off-putting,

B. I don't actively want sex, as in, am not desperate to get his clothes off. But if he initiated it & I gave it, say, 20 mins of cuddling and eg focusing on sensual touch, seeing if I got into the mood, I might very well end up wanting more.

B is typical of people who experience "responsive desire" , and this is very common amongst women in an established relationship. People who experience responsive desire will potentially be missing out if they expect desire only to appear spontaneously. It may be that you have to be in the right environment, not have a head full of chores or business, and someone else may need to light the spark. Not as simple as either wanting sex or not.

Whilst I don’t necessarily agree with everything you’ve said OP it really does wind me up when wives post about DH not wanting sex and the immediate response is “other women/porn addiction.

The most common reasons men temporarily go off sexual are the same reasons women do. Physical or mental illness, tired from becoming a parent, stress, self esteem/body issues, past trauma such as intimacy or abandonment issues.

There was an OP recently saying her DH didn’t want to perform oral sex anymore and 90% of responses were saying to leave him.

They had two young children and OP said their sex life was still very good & oral wasn’t essential for her to orgasm.

I really cannot see a man being told it’s totally acceptable to break up his family because he wants blow jobs…

Nobody should have sex unless they want to. Full stop. And nobody should attempt to pressurise, coerce or bully anyone else into having sex if they don’t want it.

BUT

Sex is the glue which keeps relationships together. When one partner withdraws sex, and refuses to take steps to resolve the situation, the other partner is entitled to refuse to live indefinitely in a sexless relationship and either end it or look for sex elsewhere. And the partner who is refusing sex cannot complain when they do.

Of course nobody should have sex when they actively don't want to.

But nobody should stay in a relationship where they aren't happy, either.

(You might not see a complete lack of sex as important enough to leave a relationship, OP, but lots of people do. I hate this derisive 'all for a bit of SEX?' attitude you see on here a lot - it's as fundamental to many, many relationships as having the same goals and values in life.)