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Original poster

General MN feeling seems to be you should have sex when you don't want to?

82 replies

mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 13:27

I see women post 'he won't have sex with me' and the answer invariably is 'it's a dealbreaker, leave him, he's selfish'

But what about if you don't want sex? Should you force yourself/do it anyway?

If you're a woman who has gone off sex for no reason other than you just don't want to be touched in that way for whatever reason, should the man leave you/you're being selfish/ or you should just do it anyway?

Or does it only apply to men?

OP posts:
oliviastwisted · 19/04/2022 14:00

*“Nobody should have sex they don’t want. But equally, nobody should have to stay in a sexless relationship if they don’t want to. If you’ve stopped wanting sex with a partner who does want it and don’t want to try to address it then it’s best for both of you if you separate.”

Not necessarily true if you have children in a loving family, in my view. I accept your view is different. I think it's a little defeatist to leave because of that one thing. What if the child is devastated? It's okay to lave because you need a shag?*

Sex is not “that one thing” in an adult relationship it is the key thing that differentiates that relationship from other types of friendships. It can be the one thing that brings the kids that change from a couple family to a family with children.

Unless both people are on board with lots of sex or no sex then it has to be negotiated between the partners and it is a balance. I think not having sex in a relationship with a partner who wants sex is the death knell for that relationship unless both parties agree to an open relationship. No one should be having sex when they don’t though.

gannett · 19/04/2022 14:02

@ComtesseDeSpair

Nobody should have sex they don’t want. But equally, nobody should have to stay in a sexless relationship if they don’t want to. If you’ve stopped wanting sex with a partner who does want it and don’t want to try to address it then it’s best for both of you if you separate.
Basically this. I'd add that if you're in a long-term relationship and you're taking sex off the table for whatever reason it's only respectful to communicate the bigger picture with your partner rather than rejecting them every time they try to initiate.

The problem with the other thread was the bizarre amount of posters who refused to believe that a man's sex drive can be low for any reason other than an affair or porn or being gay.

Sparklykins · 19/04/2022 14:04

If your partner that you love and have built your whole life around will leave if you don't have sex, then you're being pressured into sex.

gamerchick · 19/04/2022 14:06

No, if my husband forced himself to have sex just because I wanted it, that wouldn't work either.

I think people are confusing sex and intamacy here tbh.

Dissimilitude · 19/04/2022 14:06

@Sparklykins

If your partner that you love and have built your whole life around will leave if you don't have sex, then you're being pressured into sex.
This is a complete kafkatrap.
HouseOfPancakes · 19/04/2022 14:08

@gamerchick

Nobody should feel pressured into having sex they dont want. I haven't seen what you've described. However for some, sex is a deal-breaker. Or intimacy is. If my husband wouldn't touch me I'd respect that but I would end the marriage.
Is sex, or lack of a reasonable deal breaker if your wife/husbands sex drive changes.

I guess it's just acknowledging people change. Their wants, needs, desires, opinions, views. And as their wife or husband, are you willing to accept those changes or not.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 19/04/2022 14:08

Not necessarily true if you have children in a loving family, in my view.

If it's a truly loving family then you'd expect the couple to explore the problem of mismatched sex drives together. If you love someone you want them to be happy, presumably. And you would hope that an honest conversation could be had, to allow each person to make an informed decision. I wouldn't blame anybody who left if their relationship had become that of just good friends. They can still be a loving and committed parent, without having to sacrifice a sex life.
And I say this as someone who put up with all kinds of things, including being sexually dismissed, for many years "for the children". I really wish I hadn't. So many nights lying there feeling unwanted, rejected, craving that closeness that sex brings. What a waste.

FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 14:09

@Sparklykins

If your partner that you love and have built your whole life around will leave if you don't have sex, then you're being pressured into sex.
But if you’re expected to give up sex and the intimacy and fun and everything that goes with it because your partner decides they don’t want it with you anymore then you’re being pressured into a whole life and relationship that you don’t want, and didn’t sign up for.

Withholding affection can be incredibly damaging, especially when the person doing the withholding doesn’t want to talk about it and implies the other person is in the wrong for wanting it.

Thisismynamenow · 19/04/2022 14:10

@Sparklykins

If your partner that you love and have built your whole life around will leave if you don't have sex, then you're being pressured into sex.
A load of crap

What's the alternative? One partner will then become deeply unhappy because their needs aren't being met one way or the other

ReadyToMoveIt · 19/04/2022 14:11

@Sparklykins

If your partner that you love and have built your whole life around will leave if you don't have sex, then you're being pressured into sex.
No. I would never, ever want my husband to have sex if he didn’t want it. Equally I wouldn’t want to be in an entirely sexless relationship. We would be fundamentally incompatible and therefore the best option (for us both) would be to split.
ReadyToMoveIt · 19/04/2022 14:16

And equally, if I decided I never wanted sex again, I wouldn’t expect my husband to stay with me if he wasn’t happy with a sexless relationship. I wouldn’t force him into spending the rest of his life unhappily celibate.

FairyCakeWings · 19/04/2022 14:17

I think there must be a lot of sexless marriages that only survive because of affairs or prostitution.

RoyKentsChestHair · 19/04/2022 14:18

@OneTC

Your basic premise is the exact opposite of what I generally read on here
Same. I usually see a mix or responses on these threads, regardless of who it is that wants more sex, but the general trend is always towards “nobody should have sex they don’t want”. That being said, and unrelated to sex specifically, if you’re not happy for any reason you are allowed to leave a relationship. If a man isn’t happy with the amount of sex he’s getting nobody is going to say “tough, he should stick it out”, they will usually ask if there’s other things the couple can do, whether he pulls his weight around the house (as women often cite exhaustion and not feeling very sexy when DCs are young, so this can be relevant). And if all avenues have been exhausted and the mismatch can’t be resolved then of course you should leave, as the alternative is often cheating which nobody would condone.
ComtesseDeSpair · 19/04/2022 14:21

@Sparklykins

If your partner that you love and have built your whole life around will leave if you don't have sex, then you're being pressured into sex.
Why does it only apply to sex? If your partner suddenly announced that, even though you’d agreed you wanted children when you got together, he’d now changed his mind and children wouldn’t be happening, would you be pressuring him into children if you said it was a dealbreaker for you and would have to separate? Or would you simply be making it clear that something was a non negotiable part of a relationship for you?

If one half of a couple suddenly makes a unilateral decision that something important to the other won’t be happening any more, they have to expect that their partner might want to end the relationship.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 14:30

A sexless relationship is a dealbreaker for me, so I would expect it to be the same for my DH too.

RobotValkyrie · 19/04/2022 14:47

It's as simple as ABC:
Agency
Boundaries
Consent

It applies to sex, and relationships, just the same. Anyone is free to say no at anytime, to anything that involves them.
No to sex at any time.
No to being in a relationship at any time.
For any reason, or no reason at all. Magic word: "No". It's a full sentence. And it works both ways. That's the beauty of it. Freedom.

If people want to stay and negotiate, they can stay and negotiate. If they want to leave, they can leave. There's consequences for sure. But coercion of any kind remains the ugliest consequence of all.

In my opinion, it's easier to stay in a slightly unhappy relationship if you feel you could leave at any time, but just decide not to, not now, not yet. Because you know it remains your choice. And that's what makes it valuable. You weigh the pros and cons and make your own decision.
Whereas telling someone they must stay for the sake of somebody else (e.g. children) really makes the whole thing reek of coercion. And possibly increases the odds of the person getting bitter and leaving eventually.

higherthanthat · 19/04/2022 14:51

I don't recognise what you are saying at all.

I think the overwhelming comments are that one should never have sex they don't want to have.

Some posters rightly point out that if one partner wants sex and the other does not then the relationship is going to fail. But I don't hear people encouraging people to have sex they don't want to have - just that the relationship is likely over with such a mismatch.

Dillydollydingdong · 19/04/2022 14:51

It's easy enough to persuade a man that yes, he does want sex Wink. On the other hand, if I don't want it, wild horses wouldn't make me.

Looneytune253 · 19/04/2022 14:52

I think this is a tough one if you phrase it the way you have. But if one partner has decided they don't want sex anymore they have basically put the other partner in a sexless relationship against their will. It's not unreasonable of them to move on and find someone that wants the same kind of relationship.

Adriannanneanne · 19/04/2022 14:54

@AHungryCaterpillar

I do think if a man posted complaining his partner won’t have sex with him he would get very different responses and called a sex pest and made out like he is a potential rapist

No, there have been men on here asking about lack of sex, they get the same answer as the women. If your partner isn't doing anything to improve their libido (or even just explain the situation), it's ok to leave if it's affecting your mental health/self esteem.

higherthanthat · 19/04/2022 14:55

@AHungryCaterpillar

I do think if a man posted complaining his partner won’t have sex with him he would get very different responses and called a sex pest and made out like he is a potential rapist
This is absolute bollocks. I have read several threads started by men in these situations and they tend to get a sympathetic response, but are told, if their partner has not had sex with them for years, that they need to accept their sex life with their spouse is over, and they need to end the relationship if that is important to them. . If they have kids, especially young, they may be asked how much of the family/household load they are taking on - a reasonable question.
BadLad · 19/04/2022 14:56

@AHungryCaterpillar

I do think if a man posted complaining his partner won’t have sex with him he would get very different responses and called a sex pest and made out like he is a potential rapist
I've seen a couple of threads like that. They weren't quite as drastic as you imagine, but, and this is not a joke, some of the first replies were asking if they were sure they were doing enough housework.
higherthanthat · 19/04/2022 14:58

@ReadyToMoveIt

It's okay to lave because you need a shag?

It’s ok to leave a relationship for any reason at all, if you’re unhappy.

This.

Sex is not just the physical side, its that emotional connection, that intimacy that is actually quite particular to close sexual with someone.

If sex is not that big a deal to you, I don't think you can understand how it is so important to someone else. But it is. And if you have
got to the stage of deriding something that is important to your partner, whatever it is, then your relationship needs to end anyway.

Chersfrozenface · 19/04/2022 14:59

I have some sympathy for the OP here.

There have been umpteen threads on MN about "maintenance sex" with, I would say, a majority of the posters advising women to have sex even if they don't feel like it, generally with a cheery "you'll get into it eventually", "you'll enjoy it once you start", "fake it till you make it" etc.

SilverGlassHare · 19/04/2022 15:00

I absolutely don't think you should ever have sex when you don't want to. I do think your partner is entitled to decide that a mismatch in libido is a dealbreaker, and you should be prepared for this is you don't want to have sex. I don't think it's an excuse to cheat or put pressure on, and I don't think a minor mismatch is always insurmountable either.