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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable

89 replies

emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:07

DH is mostly my best friend and the person I want to spend my time with most, this is until he goes to a football game. He went to a game on Friday while I stayed home with the kids and today he was supposed to stay home with the kids while I worked, but no he decided he wanted to go to another game, he left the kids with his sister, dropped them off at 9.30 this morning and expected me to pick them up when I finished work, I worked all day, picked the kids up took them home fed them dinner and sorted them for bed. DH said he would be home straight after the game, finished at 5pm he was getting the coach back so should be home by 6.30, it's now 9pm, he knows I like to go to bed at this time when I have work in the morning, but still no sign of him. I'm really fed up, this is not a one off, he is a season ticket holder something to this degree happens every other weekend, all his football mates are single and he seems to want to act just like them with no regard for his family. I called him and he said he would be home when he is ready and that's that. I'm really fed up of it. But when he is not going to a football game he is totally different, he has just started working 11 hour days to try and provide a better life for us all and we were away at the weekend and had a lovely time together. Am I being selfish, should I just let him has his fun? All I ever get time for is family and I just find it hard to see that he doesn't want to spend as much time with us

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 21:10

Yes, he’s unreasonable. He’s hogging way more than his fair share of leisure time, and not parenting when you’re doing paid work. Crap!

StrangeCondition · 18/04/2022 21:11

Aside from all the rest, why can't you go to bed?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 21:13

Your husband doesn't value you. He doesn't respect you. He's Mr. Wonderful when everything is on his terms, right? How special.

I couldn't live that way.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/04/2022 21:13

Why can't you go to bed?

I think you need to try and carve some time for yourself. Is he at work or football every weekend day every week? Can you find some you time in the week?

I mean I think HE is being utterly U but unless this is new, you knew how he felt about football. Ime men like him will always prioritise it so it's accept and find a work around or leave.

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:14

I know it sound really sad but I just find it really hard to sleep when he is not in the house, plus he will come in loudly, wake me up and I will then lay awake for hours

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 18/04/2022 21:16

He's not thinking about you. Go to bed. Do your thing. Distract yourself.

Bearsar90 · 18/04/2022 21:16

You just need to talk. He's not being fair but I don't think it's unreasonable to let off steam when as you say he's working long hours now. It's just about finding balance and making sure he gives you the time you need and deserve and the family.

Duchess379 · 18/04/2022 21:17

I'd go to bed, lock the house up & he can sleep where he likes. He's a selfish prick. Football obviously takes precedence over you & the kids. So you either put up with it or tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:17

He goes to football roughly every other weekend and works 11 hour days 5 days a week. I hate leaving the kids with him as I know if he is left in charge they will just sit in their room on electronics while he plays x box and ignores them, I feel so guilty going anywhere without them

OP posts:
VangVieng · 18/04/2022 21:18

Not cool. ‘Providing a better life’ isn’t just financial contribution so he can f* off every/other weekend and leave you (or someone) with the kids.

Beyond that, I think it’s important both he and you have time with friends/whatever you fancy as living in each other’s pockets isn’t good. But this needs to be an adult conversation and not tit for tat.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/04/2022 21:19

He wanted to attend an event, but had the dc, so he arranged childcare. Fine.

Presumably he also arranged with you that you were able to collect at a set time? And you could? So you did.

It's not his fault that you can't sleep when he isn't in the house - maybe you need to seek some therapy/coping strategies for that?

You have also spent weekend time together as a family.

I'm struggling to see what's wrong here, unless maybe he didn't check you were ok/available to collect the dc from his sister, in which case he should have checked and its a shame if you had to rearrange something to be able to collect.

bigred22 · 18/04/2022 21:20

If you were having similar time to yourself I would say it's not too much of an issue- what would he do if you got up and went out before he had a chance on a weekend day? Or what would he say if you dropped the kids somewhere and said he had to pick them up after being out because you were going out with your friends?

The sleeping thing is a bit silly (in my opinion) he's a grown up, you don't need to wait up for him and not being able to sleep until he's in is only making life harder for yourself

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:20

If I lock the house he will press the doorbell continuously until I let him in, plus I have work in the morning and I need him here with the kids when I go (he has a couple of days annual leave)

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/04/2022 21:22

@emz12345

If I lock the house he will press the doorbell continuously until I let him in, plus I have work in the morning and I need him here with the kids when I go (he has a couple of days annual leave)
Why doesn't he have a key?
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/04/2022 21:23

plus I have work in the morning and I need him here with the kids when I go

What makes you think he won't return all night?

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:24

I know I'm being silly not being able to sleep until he's in, but I've always been the same, I think it is a form of anxiety.
And no he didn't ask if I could pick the kids up from his sister he told me I would need to pick the kids up, I had no choice, if I didn't go for them he also wouldn't as he would of had far to much to drink to drive

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2022 21:24

He's being incredibly selfish. Do you get a day off every other weekend to go and get pissed with your mates? Stay out late?

He needs to grow up.

Blueeilidh · 18/04/2022 21:25

I know what you mean, I find it very distributive to my sleep if my oh stays up later than me, although I wouldn't actually tell him.
I think if this is a regular occurrence he is being unreasonable.

PlasticineMeg · 18/04/2022 21:26

I’d find it immensely stressful to always be needed by my partner in order to sleep.

I think I’m in the minority but I always think it’s fine for people in a couple, be it male or female, to stay out for a few drinks after event and not always be back on the dot. Sometimes time runs away with you especially when you’re having fun

ThankYouStavros · 18/04/2022 21:27

He’s a man child who hasn’t learnt to re-prioritise his life. By all means go the match - I still do too - and a pint afterwards but it shouldn’t turn into an all-dayer

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:27

He never comes to bed at the same time as me, I've learnt to live with that, but it's him not being in the house that I can't cope with. Like I said I probably am being unreasonable

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 18/04/2022 21:33

Yabu. You'll have to cope. You are your own person.

If you cant sleep at least get comfortable and watch a show or film. Absolutely no point walking around or sitting up pinning after him.
Its feeding into your anxiety. Eat or drink something, distract yourself. Then when he's home you sleep.

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:33

Sorry yes he has a key, someone had mentioned locking the house and letting him sleep where he likes, so I thought implying to lock him out, so was replying to that when saying I need him here in the morning

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 18/04/2022 21:34

Well then no need to stay up to open the door..relax in bed.

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:35

I know I'm sounding pathetic, but I will feel so ill tomorrow if I don't sleep soon, but I just can't if he's not in the house. He is fully aware of this and how much it means to me.

OP posts:
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