Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable

89 replies

emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:07

DH is mostly my best friend and the person I want to spend my time with most, this is until he goes to a football game. He went to a game on Friday while I stayed home with the kids and today he was supposed to stay home with the kids while I worked, but no he decided he wanted to go to another game, he left the kids with his sister, dropped them off at 9.30 this morning and expected me to pick them up when I finished work, I worked all day, picked the kids up took them home fed them dinner and sorted them for bed. DH said he would be home straight after the game, finished at 5pm he was getting the coach back so should be home by 6.30, it's now 9pm, he knows I like to go to bed at this time when I have work in the morning, but still no sign of him. I'm really fed up, this is not a one off, he is a season ticket holder something to this degree happens every other weekend, all his football mates are single and he seems to want to act just like them with no regard for his family. I called him and he said he would be home when he is ready and that's that. I'm really fed up of it. But when he is not going to a football game he is totally different, he has just started working 11 hour days to try and provide a better life for us all and we were away at the weekend and had a lovely time together. Am I being selfish, should I just let him has his fun? All I ever get time for is family and I just find it hard to see that he doesn't want to spend as much time with us

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 18/04/2022 21:35

Going out all day Friday and then again on Monday, sounds too much to me, especially since he was supposed to be looking after his dc today.
You're not really making him sound that great to be honest since you say you don't like to go out without dc as he'll ignore them to play x box, this as well as his regular days out at the football drinking, would have me having a serious chat about responsibilities.

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:39

I have tried to talk to him over and over about responsibilities, he doesn't care and will still do what suits him, it's like I have to book in to spend time with him weeks in advance and if it clashes with football I have no chance

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 18/04/2022 21:43

Your kids need season books. Most clubs do kids ones cheap. He still gets to go, they spend time together and share his passion, you get some space for yourself.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 18/04/2022 21:43

Dump the selfish, entitled puss taker. He doesn't have to work 11 hours. When on earth do you both have family time together, seems never. What is the point of your life together? You sound lovely but you really do need to put your foot down. Be strong and start tonight by getting some sleep.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 18/04/2022 21:44

Piss not puss obviously 🙄

springbreak22 · 18/04/2022 21:47

Do the kids share his love of football? He could start taking them with him.

Notimeforaname · 18/04/2022 21:48

He is being unreasonable spending so much time away. I agree.

But this -

but I will feel so ill tomorrow if I don't sleep soon, but I just can't if he's not in the house. He is fully aware of this and how much it means to me

This is too much.
It is not his responsibility to help you sleep at night. That is too much pressure on someone. It's not right. You must find another way to deal with.

You both need to have another chat.

Find some compromises..he cant be out so much.. but equally you cant expect him to be home by your bedtime.

apricotlane · 18/04/2022 21:51

Football. Letting men off the hook since like...forever.

SallyWD · 18/04/2022 21:52

I'd be more than happy for my DH to go to matches every other week. I think it's healthy for people to have their own space in relationships and do what they enjoy. However, the key thing is that you should also have equal time to yourself (if you want.

MJ123 · 18/04/2022 21:54

He's being unreasonable with his demands but attending a hobby once every other weekend isn't the end of the world assuming you get the same time. Do you have a hobby or anything going on in your life separate to the family? Maybe building that bit of your own interests would help you?

I'd agree with the others on the not being able to sleep thing though. He's not responsible for your sleeping issues and to demand He's home early when he's on leave the next day just so you can sleep is unreasonable and potentially edging into co-dependency/control.

Hollywolly1 · 18/04/2022 21:54

I think if he is supposed to be minding the children and then dumps them on his sister thats very unfair if he hadn't told you before he arranged that.
He doesn't seem dependable at all putting all his needs before his family,is this how you want to live and if not just get out now..All his friends are single but I bet in a few years when they are zll married and children he won't see them for dust and it will be good enough for him as you will have moved on

cigarettesNalcohol · 18/04/2022 21:56

He is being completely and utterly selfish. I hope you see his behaviour for what it is eventually.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2022 21:59

@emz12345

He goes to football roughly every other weekend and works 11 hour days 5 days a week. I hate leaving the kids with him as I know if he is left in charge they will just sit in their room on electronics while he plays x box and ignores them, I feel so guilty going anywhere without them
So parenting isn't too high on his agenda then?
Nanny0gg · 18/04/2022 22:00

@SallyWD

I'd be more than happy for my DH to go to matches every other week. I think it's healthy for people to have their own space in relationships and do what they enjoy. However, the key thing is that you should also have equal time to yourself (if you want.
So the fact that he opts out of parenting his own children and spending time with his family is ok?
pictish · 18/04/2022 22:06

@emz12345

I know I'm sounding pathetic, but I will feel so ill tomorrow if I don't sleep soon, but I just can't if he's not in the house. He is fully aware of this and how much it means to me.
I’d stay out too. Apologies for being flippant but I wouldn’t accept that.
Gagaandgag · 18/04/2022 22:08

@Hollywolly1

I think if he is supposed to be minding the children and then dumps them on his sister thats very unfair if he hadn't told you before he arranged that. He doesn't seem dependable at all putting all his needs before his family,is this how you want to live and if not just get out now..All his friends are single but I bet in a few years when they are zll married and children he won't see them for dust and it will be good enough for him as you will have moved on
Yes! This!
Sunnytwobridges · 18/04/2022 22:20

Take a melatonin and go to bed. I wouldn't be waiting up for him. And I would text him before he gets home to come in quietly and not bang around waking you up.

Chickychoccyegg · 18/04/2022 22:20

Op, people will get side tracked with your comments about needing him home so you can get to sleep.
Your dh sounds rubbish: he has keys but would keep ringing the bell for you to let him in?
It's not every other weekend he goes to football, he went on Friday and he's away today.
He's rubbish with the dc.
Sounds like you might be better off without him.

Original poster
emz12345 · 18/04/2022 22:25

Thanks for all of your replies. He is home now, has come through the door, I said 'get here when you can' and laughed, he totally flipped out, shouted screamed and sworn at me and banged about in the kitchen making his 'tea', I've now come to bed and he has just been to the toilet shouting 'fuck you' on his way past our bedroom. I haven't seen him this bad in a few years! Surprised he hasn't woken the kids up, but even if he did they would probably be too scared to come out of their room. Anyway I will go to sleep now

OP posts:
SnowingInApril · 18/04/2022 22:26

I bet he’s a great dad though 🙄

Why are you putting up with this?

PriestessofPing · 18/04/2022 22:30

Surprised he hasn't woken the kids up, but even if he did they would probably be too scared to come out of their room. Anyway I will go to sleep now

Please check on your children first. That’s horrifically sad you can just casually say if they heard it they will be too scared to come out of their rooms and then say you’re going to bed.

Herejustforthisone · 18/04/2022 22:30

He’s a selfish, disrespectful cunt.

What the actual fuck?

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 22:35

I think it’s ridiculous you need him home before you go to bed.

And I think it’s absolutely fine for him to go out and he doesn’t need a time to be back by.

However this sounds like a regular thing and it doesn’t sound like you get the same privileges.

A weekend away is not enough to make up for it.
You need to sit him down tomorrow and explain that he has responsibilities and that he is fine to do this EOW but the alternative weekends are yours and the kids are his responsibility.

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 22:36

but even if he did they would probably be too scared to come out of their room

WTF!!

I missed this!

Why are you living in the same house as a man who scares your kids!!???

Hollywolly1 · 18/04/2022 22:39

Be jeepers creepers op if I were you I'd sleep sounder if he wasn't in the house tbh.