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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable

89 replies

emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:07

DH is mostly my best friend and the person I want to spend my time with most, this is until he goes to a football game. He went to a game on Friday while I stayed home with the kids and today he was supposed to stay home with the kids while I worked, but no he decided he wanted to go to another game, he left the kids with his sister, dropped them off at 9.30 this morning and expected me to pick them up when I finished work, I worked all day, picked the kids up took them home fed them dinner and sorted them for bed. DH said he would be home straight after the game, finished at 5pm he was getting the coach back so should be home by 6.30, it's now 9pm, he knows I like to go to bed at this time when I have work in the morning, but still no sign of him. I'm really fed up, this is not a one off, he is a season ticket holder something to this degree happens every other weekend, all his football mates are single and he seems to want to act just like them with no regard for his family. I called him and he said he would be home when he is ready and that's that. I'm really fed up of it. But when he is not going to a football game he is totally different, he has just started working 11 hour days to try and provide a better life for us all and we were away at the weekend and had a lovely time together. Am I being selfish, should I just let him has his fun? All I ever get time for is family and I just find it hard to see that he doesn't want to spend as much time with us

OP posts:

Original poster

emz12345 · 19/04/2022 07:11

He will do the bike ride, swimming, to the park etc if I am there too, but rarely on his own and if he did it would only be if I am at work, he has never taken them anywhere while I am in the house

OP posts:

WonderfulYou · 19/04/2022 07:13

I do worry about the kids, but when he hasn't been out drinking he does do stuff for the kids like dropping them at their clubs

FFS OP
You said the kids are scared of him!

He should be nowhere near them. He definitely should not be living in the same house.

Kick him out and if he doesn’t leave then call the police.

No child should feel afraid in their own home.

Soubriquet · 19/04/2022 07:22

Your children are scared of him OP

You’re scared of him

This is not a good relationship
He is not a good father
He is not a good partner

He is an abusive, alcoholic, parent-shy asshole

Original poster

emz12345 · 19/04/2022 07:24

Maybe I shouldn't of used the word scared, I don't know that they are scared, they just know not to talk to daddy when he has been drinking. I'm probably the idiot for trying to talk to him when he has been drinking, if I just kept quiet he wouldn't start shouting etc

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 19/04/2022 07:29

That is not a healthy relationship

You don’t say if you have a daughter or not, but would you give her that advice?

“Mum, I really don’t know what to do. Adam is such a lovely husband and great dad, but when he drinks, and he drinks every weekend with his mates at football, he can have a complete personality shift. I already told the kids not to talk to him when he’s drunk so they don’t set him off, but now I think I shouldn’t either.”

“Of course you shouldn’t. Let the man enjoy his weekend and keep you and the kids out of the way”

Really? Would you give your daughter that advice? Or would you be concerned with how your daughter and grandchildren are being treated

AllOverIt · 19/04/2022 07:30

I think you deserve better than this, OP. You are not BU

Original poster

emz12345 · 19/04/2022 07:33

Nope you are right I absolutely wouldn't give my daughter that advice. But after 21 years together and 11 years married I don't know how to walk away.

OP posts:

Soubriquet · 19/04/2022 07:44

I think the first step, is what you’ve done. Acknowledging that it’s not a good relationship and you need to leave.

That first step is the hardest so well done.

Next thing, I think, is to call womens aid and get advice from them

dworky · 19/04/2022 07:54

@Aquamarine1029

Your husband doesn't value you. He doesn't respect you. He's Mr. Wonderful when everything is on his terms, right? How special.

I couldn't live that way.

This exactly.

WonderfulYou · 19/04/2022 08:30

But after 21 years together and 11 years married I don't know how to walk away.

You said your children were scared.
You’re now backtracking and saying they don’t know how to talk to their own parent when drunk.
Neither is acceptable.

My child has never felt scared or uncomfortable to talk to anyone in their own home.
If they did I’d make changes immediately.

This obviously isn’t a one off and I’m really surprised you’re trying to downplay this.

Right now you’re only thinking about yourself which is very selfish.
It’s time to put your children first.

Once they leave home then it’s up to you if you want to get back with him but right now both of you need to do what’s best for them.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/04/2022 08:59

Yesterday was the most drunk and verbally abusive he has been in a long time, I know that it should never happen, but it does and I've lived with it for 21 years

Well it's high time that stopped then.

Your poor kids. You do know they could go into school and say "we don't talk to dad when he's had a drink because he shouts at us and mum and it's scary" and a safeguarding ball would get rolling?

Much better you start safeguarding them now yourself by ending a relationship with a man who is damaging their childhood and making it increasingly likely they'll end up in a similar relationship because this is being normalised.

Yes, you've been with him 21 years. Yes, it's hard and upsetting to end it. But that's not your kids' fault and they're shouldering much of the burden by having their childhood tarnished.

Dropping them off at clubs doesn't make up for being a nasty drunk they have to basically hide from for fear of him starting on them.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/04/2022 09:01

@emz12345

Nope you are right I absolutely wouldn't give my daughter that advice. But after 21 years together and 11 years married I don't know how to walk away.

And it's not unlikely your daughter will ask you that at some point, because the longer you stay with him the more you're normalising this behaviour, portraying it as acceptable and you're currently literally teaching them to placate drunk and aggressive men.

I know that's hard to hear but it's the reality that should make you take action.

billy1966 · 19/04/2022 09:42

He really sounds like such a nasty bully OP.

You poor woman.

What an awful environment for your children.

Daddy is an abusive drunk and don't they know it.

This will remain with them for the rest of their lives.

Have you any support?

This is an abusive home because of him.

Call Womens aid for advice.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 19/04/2022 17:02

If you want him to leave, call the police next time you or the children feel scared. Nasty bullying twat, is what he is

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