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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable

89 replies

emz12345 · 18/04/2022 21:07

DH is mostly my best friend and the person I want to spend my time with most, this is until he goes to a football game. He went to a game on Friday while I stayed home with the kids and today he was supposed to stay home with the kids while I worked, but no he decided he wanted to go to another game, he left the kids with his sister, dropped them off at 9.30 this morning and expected me to pick them up when I finished work, I worked all day, picked the kids up took them home fed them dinner and sorted them for bed. DH said he would be home straight after the game, finished at 5pm he was getting the coach back so should be home by 6.30, it's now 9pm, he knows I like to go to bed at this time when I have work in the morning, but still no sign of him. I'm really fed up, this is not a one off, he is a season ticket holder something to this degree happens every other weekend, all his football mates are single and he seems to want to act just like them with no regard for his family. I called him and he said he would be home when he is ready and that's that. I'm really fed up of it. But when he is not going to a football game he is totally different, he has just started working 11 hour days to try and provide a better life for us all and we were away at the weekend and had a lovely time together. Am I being selfish, should I just let him has his fun? All I ever get time for is family and I just find it hard to see that he doesn't want to spend as much time with us

OP posts:
Kite22 · 18/04/2022 22:41

Wow. Your latest update presents a very different picture to that you presented earlier, that people have been replying to.

Pompom2367 · 18/04/2022 22:44

Op you need to sort this it's not ok for him to behave like this for your children or you

springtimeishereagain · 18/04/2022 22:49

Wow. I wonder why you are staying awake to feel safe in the presence of a man who shouts at you to fuck off. Your h doesn't make me feel very safe.

In fact, I'd ring the police on him.

Good luck.

Herejustforthisone · 18/04/2022 22:56

@WonderfulYou

I think it’s ridiculous you need him home before you go to bed.

And I think it’s absolutely fine for him to go out and he doesn’t need a time to be back by.

However this sounds like a regular thing and it doesn’t sound like you get the same privileges.

A weekend away is not enough to make up for it.
You need to sit him down tomorrow and explain that he has responsibilities and that he is fine to do this EOW but the alternative weekends are yours and the kids are his responsibility.

I think you’ve missed a bit. Reread the posts. He’s ranting and raving, regularly checking out of family life and dumps his own kids elsewhere while his wife works so he can get twatted at the football, come home late, wake his wife, frighten the kids and shout and scream obscenities.
WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 23:13

I think you’ve missed a bit.

I’ve put another post after my initial one as did I miss the update.

WTF475878237NC · 18/04/2022 23:14

Your update has changed everything. Check your kids. Leave him. Get therapy for anxiety so you can sleep.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2022 23:14

@emz12345

Thanks for all of your replies. He is home now, has come through the door, I said 'get here when you can' and laughed, he totally flipped out, shouted screamed and sworn at me and banged about in the kitchen making his 'tea', I've now come to bed and he has just been to the toilet shouting 'fuck you' on his way past our bedroom. I haven't seen him this bad in a few years! Surprised he hasn't woken the kids up, but even if he did they would probably be too scared to come out of their room. Anyway I will go to sleep now
And you call him your 'best friend'?

I wouldn't speak to my worst enemy like that.

Hailingfrequenciesopen · 18/04/2022 23:29

I live in Scotland where sectarian and football alcoholism and violence is rampant. A know a few divorces based on football nonsense. Both adults work all week and one of them is off on Saturday to football and is hungover all Sunday. It's not fair. Look after yourself as no one see currently is unfortunately.

LimeSegment · 18/04/2022 23:30

He sounds horrible but this but I will feel so ill tomorrow if I don't sleep soon, but I just can't if he's not in the house. He is fully aware of this and how much it means to me sorry that does sound pathetic. You need an aggressive horrible man in your house to sleep Confused?

I don't normally do the reverse the sexes thing but can you imagine if a man had a rule that his wife had to be right by his side by bedtime every night of their lives or he couldn't sleep and he would be ill. Argh I feel suffocated just thinking about it! What did you do when you were single? What would you do if he was in hospital overnight or what if he left you or died? Would you never sleep again?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/04/2022 23:52

@emz12345

Thanks for all of your replies. He is home now, has come through the door, I said 'get here when you can' and laughed, he totally flipped out, shouted screamed and sworn at me and banged about in the kitchen making his 'tea', I've now come to bed and he has just been to the toilet shouting 'fuck you' on his way past our bedroom. I haven't seen him this bad in a few years! Surprised he hasn't woken the kids up, but even if he did they would probably be too scared to come out of their room. Anyway I will go to sleep now
You know that's a shit childhood right? With a shit, disengaged Dad
LouiseTrees · 19/04/2022 00:16

For context my husband is also a season ticket holder and probably does occasionally swear if his team has lost but he wouldn’t then throw a strop, he doesn’t scare his daughter, he doesn’t come in drunk, he doesn’t arse about like he’s still single and although he goes to the game what feels like insanely early ( let’s say getting there 1.30pm for a3pm game) before but that’s to get parked and eat some food, he might occasionally also get a McDonald’s on the way home but if the game finishes at 5 max would be 7.30 (but that’s if went somewhere sit down for food).

timeisnotaline · 19/04/2022 00:23

I couldn’t call my Dh my best friend if I didn’t think he could parent our dc. Turning screens on isn’t parenting.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2022 04:08

I haven't seen him this bad in a few years!

Ok this changes things a bit. So you knew his was like this but still stayed with him and had children?

He's not a parent. He is not your best friend. He's an abusive arsehole and you know it.

You need to make plans before this starts affecting your children.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2022 04:10

Surprised he hasn't woken the kids up, but even if he did they would probably be too scared to come out of their room.

Nope, too late. If they are too scared to come out their room when 'Daddy' is home from the pub, the damage is already done. Please get them out of this.

PinkSyCo · 19/04/2022 06:12

He’s a selfish, immature prick. Start organising days out for yourself, and you will see his true colours when you tell him you’re off out for the day and HE will need to look after the kids!

Weatherwax13 · 19/04/2022 06:19

He's not your best friend.
And also, from personal experience, don't assume your children didn't hear him. I've been that kid: too scared to leave my room because I'd heard everything and was often crying as quietly as possible.
Is this the life you want?

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/04/2022 06:21

He sounds truly awful, ignores his kids all day, is horrible to you, screams at you. What are you thinking?

GreenFingeredNell15 · 19/04/2022 06:31

He won't change. You've asked him to change and he hasn't. So he won't now.

This is it for the rest of your life. And the rest of the kids' lives until they leave home.

Unless he'll go to couples counselling (and I don't think it's advised for bullies such as he is) then I'd get rid of him

He has no respect for you .......and your anxiety doesn't help you cope with his bullying, controlling lack of care

Original poster
emz12345 · 19/04/2022 06:33

Thank you for all your replies, you are all right I probably shouldn't be with him, but maybe I made it sound worse than it is, I don't know, but like some of you have said it's probably my own fault for being controlling. Yesterday was the most drunk and verbally abusive he has been in a long time, I know that it should never happen, but it does and I've lived with it for 21 years. I do worry about the kids, but when he hasn't been out drinking he does do stuff for the kids like dropping them at their clubs if he is home and he takes them to school everyday (I couldn't work if he didn't drop them at school)

OP posts:
grapewines · 19/04/2022 06:36

What a charmer. I hope you checked on your kids before you went and slept next to "your best friend", who yells and tells you to fuck off.

You also now say he has form for this behaviour. Your kids are living in a minefield of a house. Rethink that situation.

PinkSyCo · 19/04/2022 06:46

OP I don’t think you sound controlling and reading between the lines I doubt very much you’ve made it sound worse than it is. I’m guessing the opposite in fact. Is the reason you can’t sleep when your out because you worry about what kind of state your DH is going to come home in by any chance? If so, I know that feeling and completely understand. Also you say your DH dies things for the kids, such as takes them to school and to their clubs. Well ferrying them around out of duty isn’t enough. He should be engaging with them. How old are your kids?

whitewashing · 19/04/2022 06:46

He drops them at their clubs/school? Well, he’s their dad…? So it’s convenient for you to put up with him because he takes them to school?? And yet, you know your kids are frightened to come out of their room when he’s in a drunken strop, but, thank goodness he’s home, that means you can sleep now? I have no words…

Original poster
emz12345 · 19/04/2022 06:54

To answer the reason I can't sleep when he's not in the house is yes its because I don't know what state he will come in in, he will always bang around and wake me up. I didn't check on the kids before going to bed as I can hear from outside their bedroom door if they are moving around or making any noise, I didn't hear anything and if they were sleeping I didn't want to wake them up. The kids are 11 and 9.

OP posts:
Original poster
emz12345 · 19/04/2022 07:05

Thinking of giving him an ultimatum, he either gives up drinking or he can leave. the problem is I think I know what he would choose and then actually getting him to leave, how do i make him leave a house he is joint on the rent if he doesn't want to. I really don't want to uproot the kids from hear and we have nowhere to go

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 19/04/2022 07:07

To answer the reason I can't sleep when he's not in the house is yes its because I don't know what state he will come in in, he will always bang around and wake me up. I didn't check on the kids before going to bed as I can hear from outside their bedroom door if they are moving around or making any noise, I didn't hear anything and if they were sleeping I didn't want to wake them up. The kids are 11 and 9.

I get that anxiety then OP and it’s no way to live, not when you’re having to deal with it every other weekend! Also your kids are of an age where their dad should find it easy and want to do things with them. Does he not ever take them swimming, out for a bike ride, for a kick about at the park, to Pizza Hut?

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