Four year olds behaviour so lost

[Queenie6655]

Hello all

Wondering if anyone has been in my shoes

4 year old and three month old

Last few weeks the 4 year old has been so badly behaved
Hitting and slapping me in public
Refusal to do things
Demanding stuff in shops

I'm not the strictest and I fail miserably with sanctions (eg no to treats as a consequence etc)

Any tips please please

Umm you need to start being stricter or at least no means no and use sanctions… it will be hard and behaviour might get worse before it gets better. Don’t say sanctions for things that you can’t follow through/make your life impossible by taking away all tv time for example. Do you have a children’s centre near you that might run 123 magic or similar parenting courses to support you?

I think you need to brace yourself for a tough couple of weeks and force yourself to put in place suitable consequences and follow through in them.

They have to be immediate and suit the 'crime' so if you're out in the park and they are misbehaving you give a warning that if the behaviour doesn't stop you're leaving. If the behaviour continues you leave. No hesitation, no arguing, no negotiating.

It will take less time than you are imagining for the message to sink in.

Yes great ideas
May def need to get a parenting course

Way too soft !!!!!
Not good

Would a star/sticker chart work?

As pp don't say a consequence without being able to follow it through.

A warning, only one warning then you leave wherever you are.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

I think you need to brace yourself for a tough couple of weeks and force yourself to put in place suitable consequences and follow through in them.

They have to be immediate and suit the 'crime' so if you're out in the park and they are misbehaving you give a warning that if the behaviour doesn't stop you're leaving. If the behaviour continues you leave. No hesitation, no arguing, no negotiating.

It will take less time than you are imagining for the message to sink in.

Yes

100 per cent yes to this

Tomorrow new day

@Cocomalocoo

Would a star/sticker chart work?

As pp don't say a consequence without being able to follow it through.

A warning, only one warning then you leave wherever you are.

Absolutely!!!

I find for asking in shops etc then just never ever buy them any toys or sweets, that way the asking stops.

Reward good behaviour.
Set realistic boundaries and keep them.
Don't dwell on when it goes a bit wrong! But I do think that hugely focusing on the good is a really positive way to reinforce the behaviour you want. Doesn't have to be a material reward, your love, attention and enthusiasm will go a long way.

I'd maybe look back at the route of the issue... Is he not acting out and regressing because of a new sibling in the house? Totally expected behaviour and just looking for that additional security as it's a massive change for them. Ignore the bad behaviour, shut it down, say no but don't give it any more attention then flip it round and give him attention for something that is good.

For toys I take a photo and tell them I'll add it to their birthday/Christmas list..

They still don't get it but less drama than saying No all the time.

They need to know that you mean it when you give them a consequence. They don't work if you just threaten and don't follow through. And it needs to be immediate and relevant.

Look for the positive behaviour and really talk it up

Do the toys for birthday list thing

Give choices - eg this top or this one

Be firm re hitting - say no hitting be firm but even

We just got through a tough patch, same age. Would just stop walking en route and was quite volatile with moods and the above helped

There's a book called, 'How to talk so little kids will listen'. I cannot recommend it enough- helped massively with my first started acting out after the arrival of my second. Get the audiobook and listen to it when cleaning.

Follow through with consequences EVERY time. Make the consequences logical i.e. If you throw the toys i will take them away for the rest of the day. Having said that, pick your battles, dont try to control everything and accept he will make poor choices as he is small. Give him controlled choices i.e do you want a cheese or tuna sandwich, do you want to go to the park or soft play etc. This will give him some power and control over his life but within limits youre comfortable with. Try to have some one on one time with him when possible doing something fun to build your bond like puzzles or games he enjoys. Its a tricky age. Good luck

1. Don’t give open choices. Give two options - eg apple or banana.
2. Always follow through with your consequences- you need to find out what motivates your child - what they don’t want to lose - and use that. Wow kids respond to sticker charts and some don’t.
3. praise for good behaviours.
4. hitting and slapping you are unacceptable and it’s ok to restrain/remove your child from you if they do that. After they calm down there should be an apology including a hug.

I've had similar but my daughter is now 4.5 so not sure if she is a bit more manageable or I've just accepted this is my life now! Ha. Things that work for us are:

1. as another person said, stuff they want goes on their birthday / Christmas wish list. Take a photo of it in the shop. I just hope she doesn't remember the 987,675,853 things we have photographed by the time her birthday comes round!!!

2. sticker and reward charts. You can make them yourself just use a bit of coloured paper or card, and glue a picture of the toy/treat they will get as a reward. They then have to earn a certain number of points/stars/stickers for good behaviour. I got some great stickers in Paperchase - if you sign up to their loyalty scheme, you get a £5 birthday treat with no minimum spend, I usually use it for kids stickers!

3. make everything a game. Last one up the stairs is a smelly octopus. Oh, I wonder who can take their clothes off first? Or I wonder if you can do xyz before daddy comes up the stairs? Apparently they struggle with transitions between activities so making things into a game helps to smooth over the transition.

Guys these are amazing

So todays example
In a coffee shop she sees an expensive pie i buy it
She doesn't want it then
She spots a horse in the gift shop 30 pounds I say no it's not for sale go pick a small toy
She begs and begs
Shop owner steps in and says sorry this toy is reserved for someone else
So she starts hitting me
EVERY FCKER IN THE GIFT SHOP WATCHING US
5 mins later I get her out

She begs to go back in
We do
I buy her a fcking useless teddy 13 pounds
We went In for a coffee

So almost 17 quid down and huge out of control tantrum

I wanted to get her back to car asap and she totally refused so had to take her back in as was causing scene and I had baby with me

@LifeIsBusy

I'd maybe look back at the route of the issue... Is he not acting out and regressing because of a new sibling in the house? Totally expected behaviour and just looking for that additional security as it's a massive change for them. Ignore the bad behaviour, shut it down, say no but don't give it any more attention then flip it round and give him attention for something that is good.

Yes a million times over

Which is why I'm prob so soft all the time
Far too soft

Can you stop going into shops?

Haha yes I need to

Weigh up the potential chaos next time and forget the coffee
Just avoid the inevitable

You have a new three month old too, have I read that right?

If so a lot of her response will be down to that - she’s pissed off! Give her time but be consistent.

@AlisonDonut

Can you stop going into shops?

I agree. Don’t take them into gift shops. Before you go any where tell them how you want them to behave eg “when you are in the park you need to stay inside the fence and be kind to other children” and then when you leave you can say well done following the rules by doing whatever it was you told them. Do this every time you go somewhere and they will start to learn the behaviour expectations for each place you visit.

I have no real advice for you but I’m having similar with my four year old just now. Reward charts don’t work. She is not interested. Solidarity.

@Duracellbunnywannabe @TheWayTheLightFalls

Thanks fab ideas

Yes my little girl is 3 months old
Plus my 4 year old is out of control at the time of a full moon

I'm way too soft

I do try to set the boundaries every trip
Best behaviour please
You can pick something small if you are well behaved
Only pick fruit please

Never seems to work

she sees an expensive pie i buy it
go pick a small toy
I buy her a fcking useless teddy 13 pounds

Do you always buy her things constantly on demand?
It seems like shes learned that a trip to the shops means she'll be bought things, and that demanding stuff means she'll be bought it. She is behaving like this because she has learned it works.

The only way to unlearn that is to stop doing it. The first few trips to the shops not buying her stuff will not be fun. Can you plan a couple of trips where your errands arent urgent and if she kicks off, you can immediately cut the trip short and take her home as a direct consequence?