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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP questions every decision I make

98 replies

CarryonYoghurt · 18/04/2022 17:36

Does anyone else's OH do this? The most recent one was that I was going to run myself a bath, and the response was "Oh, don't you want to wait until later this evening?"

If I want to go to the shop (alone) I get "Don't you want to wait until the roads are more quiet?"

If I say "Let's go for dinner tonight" or "Let's go to the beach on this lovely, sunny day" I know I'll be met with a million reasons not to.

I find it so exhausting and irritating, and I can feel my patience wearing thin. I just want to do what I want without being questioned or being given reasons not to.

I asked him why he does this, and why he told me he's a pragmatist.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarryonYoghurt · 18/04/2022 17:41

So that last line should say:

I asked him why he does this, and he told me he's a pragmatist.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 18/04/2022 17:42

That would really annoy me. I would feel like he is making out that I'm somehow wrong every time I did something, and it would really piss me off, and feel pretty undermining!

I'd definitely be having a conversation about how much it bothered me and expect him to make an effort to try and not do it

GeneLovesJezebel · 18/04/2022 17:43

I think he’s a prat. Luckily he’s a DP and not a DH 😉

Lillygolightly · 18/04/2022 17:45

He’s not a pragmatist he’s a pain in the arse!

This would drive me crackers Flowers

It’s like he’s constantly undermining you!

Original poster
CarryonYoghurt · 18/04/2022 17:46

@misskatamari

That would really annoy me. I would feel like he is making out that I'm somehow wrong every time I did something, and it would really piss me off, and feel pretty undermining!

I'd definitely be having a conversation about how much it bothered me and expect him to make an effort to try and not do it

This is literally what it feels like. I feels like I'm a child who can't be trusted to think for herself. I dread asking to do things because he'll just think of reasons not to.

I just want to enjoy my life and be a little spontaneous from time to time, but I'm always met with reasons to sit in. It's driving me mad!!

His mum does the same thing and it winds me up.

OP posts:
Finfintytint · 18/04/2022 17:46

My response would be “ Oh, don’t you want to shut the fuck up?”

RosstopherGeller · 18/04/2022 17:52

My husband can be like this, as can his dad. They honestly seem to think it's helpful! My husband gets horribly offended when FIL does it to him, but is baffled if I get the arse ache about it.

It's annoying, but I find life is easier if I smile and nod through it, so a big thumbs up I'm sure, rather than getting frustrated at the bizarre compulsion to quality check my decisions.

WTF475878237NC · 18/04/2022 17:54

My husband asks "why?" constantly. Drives me nuts.

TheAverageUser · 18/04/2022 17:54

My step-dad does this and he needs to be constantly kept in check that an adult does not need his constant input. My mum is good at pushing back but it's constant, he gets worse the more stressed he is, I think it's a control thing in his head.

speakout · 18/04/2022 17:57

Do you answer OP?

He will tire quickly surely if you simply carry on as you intend.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 18/04/2022 17:59

I have one like this. Leaves decisions to me, then moans about the decision I've made. It's wearing.

Idonea · 18/04/2022 18:00

I stopped talking to my partner entirely when he started doing this, and just did things without talking. It was so relaxing. He learned his lesson.

You're allowed to just tell people they're dicks, you know.

Original poster
CarryonYoghurt · 18/04/2022 18:04

@speakout

Do you answer OP?

He will tire quickly surely if you simply carry on as you intend.

It's getting to the point that I'm starting to snap at him now because I've asked him to meet me halfway and not question every decision I make unless it's logical. E.g. I want to go for dinner and we have limited funds, fair enough to say no. But if I wanted to go for dinner and the reason not to is because traffic might be bad, that's ridiculous.

He just argues and tells me there's nothing wrong with what he does.

OP posts:
redastherose · 18/04/2022 18:13

He thinks his decisions are better than yours and you should accept what he says and do things his way. Tell him to stop or you won't be around for him to criticise your decisions for much longer. Alternatively just tel him to leave/leave yourself and live your own life. Who wants to be infantilised by their partner.

HideousKinky · 18/04/2022 18:15

I have a friend whose DH is like this.
She realised he'll never change and now cheerfully ignores him.
She also goes away on holiday without him a lot Grin

Ithinkitsadoughnut · 18/04/2022 18:23

My dh is doing this more and more. It's infuriating. I don't have an answer, but you have my sympathy. I question if it's him getting worse, or me just losing patience now I am older.

Ithinkitsadoughnut · 18/04/2022 18:24

Oh, and I have just booked a holiday away too Grin

cardboardbox24 · 18/04/2022 18:28

He's not questioning you, he's controlling you. He wants you to do things the way he wants them to be done.

Subaru4336 · 18/04/2022 18:29

Yes, mine does this, although not sure I noticed (or maybe it didn't start) until the kids were born. Things like, we'll be going out and I'll ask the kids to get their coats, he'll pipe up with "do they need them?", or I'll say I'm going to go in the shower, and he'll respond with "why, you haven't exercised today". Like you, I feel like I'm constantly having to justify what I'm doing, or asking the kids to do (and it's obviously worse if I'm asking them to do something they don't want to, and he questions me, as they immediately then also question me)

NewandNotImproved · 18/04/2022 18:32

Well that’s tedious. Do you need this boyfriend in particular?

IncompleteSenten · 18/04/2022 18:32

Don't you want to... No

And questions reply with "I'm not asking for your permission."

Just don't get into conversation with him about it.

I'm just letting you know. I'm not asking for your input/approval.

My husband has bossy tendancies and I find that helps.

I did really snap once though and asked did I black out and miss the part where I asked your opinion? Blush

IncompleteSenten · 18/04/2022 18:33

Oh and
"Because I want to /choose to."

honeylulu · 18/04/2022 18:52

My husband can be a bit like that. I just retort "fortunately your opinion is neither desired nor required" and carry on. I also call him pompous if he tries to lecture me which he HATES. He does it a lot less now.

DilemmaDelilah · 18/04/2022 19:16

My (otherwise wonderful) DH has a habit of telling me what I think, what I like, what I want to do. It is just the way he speaks but if drives me absolutely batty! For instance, he will say 'you don't like bread and butter' if I go to make some, instead of what I would say which might be 'I didn't think you liked bread and butter', or perhaps 'you want to watch the film' instead of asking me if I want to watch the film or saying that he thought I wanted to watch the film. Perhaps it is the same with your OH? It's not necessarily what he actually means, it is just the way he usually speaks. I may be wrong of course 😁

Chocolatecomaday · 18/04/2022 19:20

Tell him you aren't sure you want to stay with a man who treats you like a child.
It's hardly attractive is it?