Page 3 | DP questions every decision I make

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2022 20:26

It sounds exhausting
How long have you been together? Do you want this for the rest of your life?

WalkingAcrossAFord · 18/04/2022 20:41

[quote Justdiscovered]@YellowHpok yours is a common reaction on mumsnet. Bit everyone was lucky to be brought up with an awareness of what good boundaries are.
Some had perfectly loving but old fashioned and archaic family dynamics
Then as young adults some fall in to the same patterns, maybe realising later on life, after being exposed to mumsnet etc… that some people have higher expectations of relationships.
It’s not all black and white. A slightly curmudgeonly man is not the same as a controlling abuser. Some women allowe minute behaviours to add up because they seem like no big deal.
Some women are brought up by mothers who say ‘men are like this. You just have to be sneaky/ good wife/ patient/saintly whichever applies.
Being reprimanded as idiots by other women for putting up with behaviours is so unsupportive and demoralising. And not in the spirit of solidarity.
Would be nice if there was more understanding in the world that everyone starts from a different base and we are all here to learn from each other.[/quote]
This. ^ 100% Well said! And yes, comments from posters like @YellowHpok and @HeadNorth really fucking piss me off. So smug and demeaning and goady. I refuse to even engage with them to be honest.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 18/04/2022 20:43

I was digging out a root this afternoon. It was by an extremely old tree. I was being very careful to ensure I didn't go near the tree roots, but I needed to use the spade.

Halfway through, my DH noticed. He started to tell me to be careful of the tree, then he looked at my face, said sorry, and walked away.

That's what normal couples do. He knew I was annoyed, and realised he'd crossed the line, so stopped.

Justdiscovered · 18/04/2022 20:52

Hi @YellowHpok
I guess that’s the whole point of mumsnet - to hear different voices and learn from others experiences.
Sorry to hear about your experience, and clearly it has given you a very low tolerance for any of these behaviours. Glad you’re out of it and aware now- that must be quite freeing!
Didn’t really make any assumptions, was more expressing frustration at such a common mumsnet reaction.
@CarryonYoghurt
sorry to derail your thread. Hopefully you can set it for those all important boundaries and your dh is emotionally intelligent to understand that his comments are rooted in old fashioned dynamics that no longer have a place in a modern relationship.

CordeliaBrideshead · 19/04/2022 07:11

@CarryonYoghurt

Does anyone else's OH do this? The most recent one was that I was going to run myself a bath, and the response was "Oh, don't you want to wait until later this evening?"

If I want to go to the shop (alone) I get "Don't you want to wait until the roads are more quiet?"

If I say "Let's go for dinner tonight" or "Let's go to the beach on this lovely, sunny day" I know I'll be met with a million reasons not to.

I find it so exhausting and irritating, and I can feel my patience wearing thin. I just want to do what I want without being questioned or being given reasons not to.

I asked him why he does this, and why he told me he's a pragmatist.

My Ex did this. Or commented on what I was going to do with his alternative. If I didn't take him up on that he'd get upset and say he wasn't valued. His suggestions usually involves me not doing what I wanted to do, deferring a decision or some work. Doing something badly or 'temporarily'. Or my thing being immediately identified as not a priority or something he'd have to get heavily involved with, which would impact him and the children. Me being difficult.

He'd always say he was just being practical. I realise it was control. Towards the end of our marriage, to avoid conflict, I stopped doing anything he might have an opinion on or what to be involved with which was a lot.

Lor the air is sweet on the other side.

HeadNorth · 19/04/2022 07:17

This. ^ 100% Well said! And yes, comments from posters like @YellowHpok and @HeadNorth really fucking piss me off. So smug and demeaning and goady. I refuse to even engage with them to be honest.

Well, I clearly hit a nerve.... The point I was trying to make is that you seemed to be taking excessive comfort in deciding this is just a 'man thing' - so what can you do, since all men are the same? This is such a passive untruth to tell yourself. It is an aspect of your partner's personality you severely dislike, it is not part and parcel of him being male. I think it may be healthier for you to own that to enable you to make informed decisions about your relationship going forward, instead of deciding to believe all men are the same and thus absolving yourself of the need to examine your marriage. I never said it was abuse, but you clearly find it unpleasant and behaviour does not have to be abusive to be unacceptable.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 19/04/2022 07:21

Sounds like my ex mother in law haha that was annoying enough

HELLITHURT · 19/04/2022 07:32

@GeneLovesJezebel

I think he’s a prat. Luckily he’s a DP and not a DH 😉

picklemewalnuts · 19/04/2022 07:48

Gather a few phrases to push back. Mine can be a bit like this, so I've gathered a few.

When he's critically observing DS making his toast:
'stop hovering/scrutineering'
Leave him alone, he's fine
You aren't toast monitor!
You're doing it again!
Mind your business.
Haven't you got something else to do?

He's getting better! He doesn't realise he's doing it, or how off putting it is.

Finding the negative in every suggestion-
You're being a Debbie Downer again
Your turn to plan something nice, and I'll work out what's wrong with it.
Don't be a knocker.
That's ok, I'll cope.

The key thing is to weigh up if what he says has any value, then ignore it if not. So go anyway, go on your own, tell him it's fine, he can stay home.

Jagertoddy · 19/04/2022 07:51

My DH is like this too. It’s control. He claims he’s just helping and gets moody if I get upset with him and takes great offence if I don’t follow his ‘advice’. He’s not helping though. Every choice I try to make and he’s questioning me, making me feel I’m wrong. Things that really don’t matter to him, don’t affect him at all. I hate it. He has a bloody opinion about everything.
It’s taken a long time to realise that this is controlling behaviour, but that’s what it is.

TheRocketWillFly · 19/04/2022 07:52

@HeadNorth

This. ^ 100% Well said! And yes, comments from posters like @YellowHpok and *@HeadNorth* really fucking piss me off. So smug and demeaning and goady. I refuse to even engage with them to be honest.

Well, I clearly hit a nerve.... The point I was trying to make is that you seemed to be taking excessive comfort in deciding this is just a 'man thing' - so what can you do, since all men are the same? This is such a passive untruth to tell yourself. It is an aspect of your partner's personality you severely dislike, it is not part and parcel of him being male. I think it may be healthier for you to own that to enable you to make informed decisions about your relationship going forward, instead of deciding to believe all men are the same and thus absolving yourself of the need to examine your marriage. I never said it was abuse, but you clearly find it unpleasant and behaviour does not have to be abusive to be unacceptable.

Agree with @HeadNorth. I don’t know any men that are like this actually. But I guess it’s easier to think this is the case.

TheRocketWillFly · 19/04/2022 07:54

I have met a few women that are like this though, not letting their husbands do things the way they want in the house, because it’s not exactly the way she would do it. So he ends up doing nothing because it will never be good enough. But not all women are like this, it’s their personality.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/04/2022 08:01

@YellowHpok

Totally agree about the “men will be men” dynamic. It’s so insidious.

I have a colleague whose husband is just awful, a shouty, financially abusive alcoholic who she should have left years ago. Whenever he does something really egregious and I tell her he’s out of order she will just say: “Men!” As if it were something to do with having a Y Chromosome.

We need to get past the idea that being a man is a get out of jail free card for behaviour like this. It would help women like the OP learn to trust their instincts more and draw firmer boundaries.

NETSRIK · 19/04/2022 08:03

My DH is exactly the same OP. I reply with ' why? Because I want to'

stripeyflowers · 19/04/2022 08:16

@cardboardbox24

He's not questioning you, he's controlling you. He wants you to do things the way he wants them to be done.

That's interesting - questioning as a control. I never thought of it that way but it's true,

Fulmine · 19/04/2022 08:30

My DH does this too! Must be a man thing! Basically, they just LOVE to tell women what to do, and they think they know best!

It really isn't a man thing, nor do "most men" do it. Some men do it, but then I've also known some women to do it. I once had a female flatmate who did it: one day, the rest of us decided it was time she stopped, so we spent the whole day suggesting things and gently taking the piss till even she realised that her constant "Why don't you ..." was ludicrous.

AnneElliott · 19/04/2022 08:31

Mine does this but I either don't ask/tell him and just do what I want or I pretend I didn't hear it and just walk off.

Or if he's hovering when I'm doing a job I tell him the bins need doing/litter tray need sorting and he can't get away quick enough!

mrziggycoco · 19/04/2022 08:48

That's very irritating. If you aren't going to leave him, Pavlov him. Ignore the questions and whenever he doesn't do this, reward him.

Norgie · 19/04/2022 09:04

A friend's DH was like this, but worse.
If they were out shopping for example, and she saw a dress in a shop window that she liked and said I like that dress, he would immediately ask...why? What do you like about it? The colour? The style? The length? Etc.
Absolutely everything was questioned.
I think the last conversation they had before she walked out and divorced him was over a coffee cup and the usual questions of why did she like that one over a different one etc.
He was a complete throbber.

EveSix · 19/04/2022 09:07

Being reprimanded as idiots by other women for putting up with behaviours is so unsupportive and demoralising. And not in the spirit of solidarity.
This.
And HeadNorth's take on "It's a man thing," was more digestible in the second iteration.
I get that it can be frustrating for posters who "see" or "get" something about an OP's experience, dots that the OP themselves is not joining. But given that the OP , and other posters who may be adding their experiences to a thread, are posting because they are unhappy / conflicted / confused / feel put upon by the issue they are exploring, there is nothing quite like an impatient-sounding, "doh" type of response to make someone quietly back away from the thread feeling shamed or criticised.

m00rfarm · 19/04/2022 09:10

Mine always says "what are the plans for today". I make some suggestions and he always says no. Same if we are going for lunch or supper. Drives me insane. And if I ask him to suggest something, he always looks blank.

lemongreentea · 19/04/2022 09:23

Mine does this but is a brillant partner in other ways so I either ignore it or tease him about it which ends up with both of us laughing at his set in ways ways.

There's a certain dish my OH loves so I make it for him regularly and he always complements me on how tasty it is, yet every single time he will comment on how I should have chopped a particular ingredient. Say it was a cucumber and I had chopped it round, he says I should have chopped it length ways.

Whenever I make this meal now I send him a photo of me chopping the ingredient my --the wrong-- way

billy1966 · 19/04/2022 09:29

Annoying, controlling and a general prat.

The real question is why you are still with him?

Your relationship is doomed.

You are irritated with him now, but on the road to loathing him.

For christ sake don't have children with him.

Ithinkitsadoughnut · 19/04/2022 10:01

@mrziggycoco

That's very irritating. If you aren't going to leave him, Pavlov him. Ignore the questions and whenever he doesn't do this, reward him.

excellent advice

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 19/04/2022 10:07

Mine used to do this. Did my fucking head in. We had strong words.

He doesn’t do it anymore😂. Sometimes it creeps back and l speak to him about it in a teacher like voice.