DP questions every decision I make

[CarryonYoghurt]

Does anyone else's OH do this? The most recent one was that I was going to run myself a bath, and the response was "Oh, don't you want to wait until later this evening?"

If I want to go to the shop (alone) I get "Don't you want to wait until the roads are more quiet?"

If I say "Let's go for dinner tonight" or "Let's go to the beach on this lovely, sunny day" I know I'll be met with a million reasons not to.

I find it so exhausting and irritating, and I can feel my patience wearing thin. I just want to do what I want without being questioned or being given reasons not to.

I asked him why he does this, and why he told me he's a pragmatist.

My DH does it and has become increasingly worse as he's got older. One of my teenaged DC is fairly indecisive and DH makes it worse by questioning everything they do e.g. 'you could wear your other trainers instead, they're more waterproof'.

I just can't understand why he needs to 'stop' me doing something mundane? Like he's pointing out that I'm wrong? E.g. I'll say 'I'm taking those sausages out of the freezer for tomorrow' and he'll say 'you don't need to do it now, do it later'. So then I think why did I bother to say it.

Urghh it's very tiresome. I just do what I want now without saying anything, but it does mean that I find myself speaking less and less. I'll end up mute at this rate.

Honestly, why are you living like this? I just don't get it. He's no "pragmatist." No adults needs someone questioning them as to why they're taking a bath. Fucking hell, he's worse than an over-involved father.

This relationship is entirely untenable and it's 100% doomed. He clearly knows how bothered you are by this insufferable micromanaging, and he still won't keep his mouth shut. He has zero respect for you.

My DH does this too! Must be a man thing! Basically, they just LOVE to tell women what to do, and they think they know best!

I say 'just gonna wash up.' He says 'nah leave it til the morning.'

I say 'I'm gonna have a shower.' He says 'don't bother now, have one in the morning.'

I say 'I'm going to weed the flower bed at the front.' He says 'nah, just leave it, and sit and watch TV.'

I say 'I'm going to lighten my hair.' He says 'nah, don't bother, do it another day.'

I say 'I'm going to wash the car it's grubby.' He says 'just leave it, we'll take it to the car wash soon.'

It gives me the rage. I think 'I am informing you that I'm doing it, not asking for your fucking OPINION or PERMISSION.'

I just don't tell him ANYthing now (when I am about to do something,) I just do it. Coz I get SO fucked off with hearing 'nah, don't do it, just sit down... do it later/tomorrow/next week!!!'

Like some other posters husbands, he also has to be contrary with things I do and say in other ways, like I say 'I will put the new little seedlings in the kitchen window,' and he says 'why not put them in the dining room window?' And then I say 'I will just put my red cardigan on' and he says 'why not put the blue one on?' I get the cat some sheba food to eat, and he says 'why didn't you give her the Felix? She likes that.' (SHE LIKES THE SHEBA TOO!) When I put a shoe rack I built in the hall cupboard on the left hand side, he said 'why didn't you put it on the right?'

LOADS of things like this. For 30+ years. I don't know how I haven't murdered him.

It's SUCH a relief to see that many women have men the same and it's clearly just a 'man thing.' Ergo, HE knows best, and HE is the boss man. And no WOMAN can possibly know better than him about ANYTHING. (In his head!!!)

Seriously, why? WHY do men do this? Seems like a lot of men do! WHY? Do they really think we need - or want to be told 'NO don't do that,' when we have decided to do something?

Like other women on here, I have always ignored him, and done what I want, but it's still very annoying!

Tell him to just shut the hell up the old bore and get yourself off and out on your own. He is not the boss of you so just please yourself. He sounds like he also has to be right all the time and get the last say in everything. You must have some patience.

Play Billie Piper - because we want to every time he questions you, he'll soon pack it in

To WalkingAcrossAFord you must have great patience to put up with that for so long. Next time tell him you are going to do the gardening in the nude and watch his face ha!! Men just think they know it all and have to have the final say.

@WalkingAcrossAFord sorry to disappoint you, but I really don’t think it is a man thing so much as it is a personality thing. Loads of men don’t behave like this, but you have unluckily chosen to share your life with a difficult curmudgeon. Thinking all men are the same may make that more bearable for you, but it doesn’t make it true.

I had an ex that would constantly question everything. I got so bored of having to Google to show him things that he said were wrong or made up, like that burpees are an exercise, I didn't make it up, and after the fourth time he asked me why there was red wine by my hob and I screamed at him that it was my goddamn cooking wine I realised I just couldn't cope with it anymore.

I think it was a mumsnetter who said she has started holding her hand up and saying “I’ll just stop you there…” -and then carries on with whatever she was saying. In her case, it was to stop mansplaining, I think. I’ve started using it when dh tries to finish my sentences - but it would work in your case too, I think, @CarryonYoghurt.

I know a few like this. Honestly, I’ve come to think that they just don’t want ‘their’ women to move. Or think. Just to be still and then do all the chores and busy things when they’ve conveniently gone out. Then sit still again and adorn the room when the oltre around. Or keep out the way and not make a commotion when they want to listen to a football match or think of important things.
They’ll tolerate it at the beginning of a relationship when they are trying to please and impress. That’s why it gets worse with time.
With some awareness on the woman’s side it can be counteracted - not all hope is lost. As long as the man in question is not a total dxxxhead they will come to self- realisation and rein it in.
It is tiring though

I just started saying "I wasn't asking" and eventually I told him that as he had tried to veto everything I had said all weekend that I was going to do nothing around the house ever again as obviously I didn't know what to do.

Day 2 he apologised and hasn't done it since.

@BOOTS52

To WalkingAcrossAFord you must have great patience to put up with that for so long. Next time tell him you are going to do the gardening in the nude and watch his face ha!! Men just think they know it all and have to have the final say.

Yes. MOST men are like this. Fucking know-alls.

@KitKattaktik

I just started saying "I wasn't asking" and eventually I told him that as he had tried to veto everything I had said all weekend that I was going to do nothing around the house ever again as obviously I didn't know what to do.

Day 2 he apologised and hasn't done it since.

I was gonna do this, (say 'I wasn't asking!' but decided to just not mention what I am about to do instead.

I'd dump him because the only other option would be to kill him.
My ex husband did this, turned out to be a total control freak in the end.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'd dump him because the only other option would be to kill him. My ex husband did this, turned out to be a total control freak in the end.

It's not 'control' with most men, it's just them assuming THEY know better than women, and we couldn't possibly know better than them, or DO anything better than them. ALSO, they don't like women doing things with their own initiative, we MUST let THEM suggest it.

Why are you with him? And why do so many other women on this thread have such low expectations of their partners that they put up with this shite?

@YellowHpok yours is a common reaction on mumsnet. Bit everyone was lucky to be brought up with an awareness of what good boundaries are.
Some had perfectly loving but old fashioned and archaic family dynamics
Then as young adults some fall in to the same patterns, maybe realising later on life, after being exposed to mumsnet etc… that some people have higher expectations of relationships.
It’s not all black and white. A slightly curmudgeonly man is not the same as a controlling abuser. Some women allowe minute behaviours to add up because they seem like no big deal.
Some women are brought up by mothers who say ‘men are like this. You just have to be sneaky/ good wife/ patient/saintly whichever applies.
Being reprimanded as idiots by other women for putting up with behaviours is so unsupportive and demoralising. And not in the spirit of solidarity.
Would be nice if there was more understanding in the world that everyone starts from a different base and we are all here to learn from each other.

Same here. He thinks he's being helpful.
I announce what I'm going to do and he says "well you can if you want but have you thought about doing XYZ". Me ' I know I can and I'm still doing ABC' DH 'oh' and then looks hurt.
Drives me insane.

How bloody annoying. I would find a way of making it harder for him to be such a pratt. For example, every time he questions a mundane action, sit down for a half hour discussion on whether or not you should have a bath now. Men only stop doing things that work for them (like sharing their opinion on matters that they shouldn’t even have an opinion on) if it stops working for them. Make him do some legwork (and perhaps gently send him up) and he might stop. Or stop bothering to voice it and just do stuff anyway, but it is actually polite to share your plans with your partner and I would expect mine to share his, so I’d be reluctant to go down that route.

Or put a question on the end. ‘I am going for dinner at X. Do you want to join me’ or ‘I am going up for a bath. Are you cooking this evening?’ Closed options work very well with children who like control!

All this is assuming he’s is just mindlessly trotting out his thoughts and not being a complete controlling arse who actually expects input, in which case LTB.

@Justdiscovered fair points, but you assume a lot about my background. I've lived through DV and abuse. I struggled to see it too at the time. Now I have a very low tolerance for it. Others pointed out in a very direct way what I was putting up with, how I was denigrating my own self worth. I found their bluntness helpful. It opened my eyes.

Personally I see the DPs behaviour appalling. The onslaught of "oh mine is also like this, so annoying, but men will be men" is unhelpful and masks deeply misogynistic and controlling behaviour that should he called out for what it is.

Women don't need to put up with it.

@CarryonYoghurt

So that last line should say:

I asked him why he does this, and he told me he's a pragmatist.

It seems like he's trying to cover all angles but sometimes you just have to take a chance, e.g. Even if traffic is not great etc

@YellowHpok

Why are you with him? And why do so many other women on this thread have such low expectations of their partners that they put up with this shite?

Oh. Pleased to see you must have left your awful dh. Well done.

My FIL does that and it's why I can't spend too long in his company. Infuriatingly patronising!

My partner would question going for dinner or such as he doesn't like surprises or spontaneous plans, but none of the other things. My mum however is exactly like this and its exhausting.

@YellowHpok

Why are you with him? And why do so many other women on this thread have such low expectations of their partners that they put up with this shite?

I don't have low expectations, I do not let the annoying trait effect me at all. My husband is otherwise a normal adult human - works, cooks, cleans, looks after DC without instruction etc.

His dad does it too and they have worked together for many years and i think it's just become an ingrained response.