DP questions every decision I make

[CarryonYoghurt]

Does anyone else's OH do this? The most recent one was that I was going to run myself a bath, and the response was "Oh, don't you want to wait until later this evening?"

If I want to go to the shop (alone) I get "Don't you want to wait until the roads are more quiet?"

If I say "Let's go for dinner tonight" or "Let's go to the beach on this lovely, sunny day" I know I'll be met with a million reasons not to.

I find it so exhausting and irritating, and I can feel my patience wearing thin. I just want to do what I want without being questioned or being given reasons not to.

I asked him why he does this, and why he told me he's a pragmatist.

Honestly I read this

And I throw my arms up to the heavens

SO SO happy that I’m a single parent

Please please please seriously reconsider your relationship with this man. My mother does this, she disagrees with everything, questions everything and can't be positive about anything. My Dad said he realised decades ago but thought it was easier to just turn a blind eye and put up with it. He's now admitted that was the worst thing he could have done. It's constant, it's soul destroying and it's eaten away at their marriage many years. I myself have long standing deep rooted depression caused by being brought up around the same situation as you're in with your DP. I just didn't realise how bad she was.

Eg as a 4 year old I told her I wanted to be a nurse, and she said "Oh dear, that's not good, how would you cope with all that blood?".

Eg.... Buying my first house and rather than "Ooh great, what colours are you thinking of decorating it?" or similar it was "You do know you have to pay bills AS WELL as the mortgage?".

Please reconsider your relationship. My Mother's refusal to change her behaviour has ruined too many lives. It will destroy you.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'd dump him because the only other option would be to kill him. My ex husband did this, turned out to be a total control freak in the end.

Immediately my thoughts too

For my XH it was about being able to control and contain every activity and every action.

It just got worse and worse. I became more and more restricted. Shut down. Head down. Quietly trying to stay out of trouble.

It was no life.

It’s controlling behaviour and you should seriously reconsider your relationship

[quote Justdiscovered]@YellowHpok yours is a common reaction on mumsnet. Bit everyone was lucky to be brought up with an awareness of what good boundaries are.
Some had perfectly loving but old fashioned and archaic family dynamics
Then as young adults some fall in to the same patterns, maybe realising later on life, after being exposed to mumsnet etc… that some people have higher expectations of relationships.
It’s not all black and white. A slightly curmudgeonly man is not the same as a controlling abuser. Some women allowe minute behaviours to add up because they seem like no big deal.
Some women are brought up by mothers who say ‘men are like this. You just have to be sneaky/ good wife/ patient/saintly whichever applies.
Being reprimanded as idiots by other women for putting up with behaviours is so unsupportive and demoralising. And not in the spirit of solidarity.
Would be nice if there was more understanding in the world that everyone starts from a different base and we are all here to learn from each other.[/quote]I really like the way you have articulated your thoughts.

It's too easy to say 'off with his head' and make a big opinion on little fact.

I belong to various divorce groups and there is a real trend there to describe every X as a narc which is not helpful.

We get a tiny glimpse of life here and can't judge what is right nor should we.

You sort of mention codependency which nang people who have been in unhealthy relationships, including me, suffer from. It's all about setting boundaries and being clear on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

Not everyone launches into the adult world fully grounded. With good role models. I realise it's why counsellors are so interested in whether your parents divorced (mine did).

Interestingly a codependent behaviour is wanting to give advice when actually listening and acknowledging is much better for the OP.

Thanks for your post.

Justdiscovered · 18/04/2022 20:02
@YellowHpok yours is a common reaction on mumsnet. Bit everyone was lucky to be brought up with an awareness of what good boundaries are.
Some had perfectly loving but old fashioned and archaic family dynamics
Then as young adults some fall in to the same patterns, maybe realising later on life, after being exposed to mumsnet etc… that some people have higher expectations of relationships.
It’s not all black and white. A slightly curmudgeonly man is not the same as a controlling abuser. Some women allowe minute behaviours to add up because they seem like no big deal.
Some women are brought up by mothers who say ‘men are like this. You just have to be sneaky/ good wife/ patient/saintly whichever applies.
Being reprimanded as idiots by other women for putting up with behaviours is so unsupportive and demoralising. And not in the spirit of solidarity.
Would be nice if there was more understanding in the world that everyone starts from a different base and we are all here to learn from each other.

@Justdiscovered thanks so much for this - you have said exactly what I think every time I read ‘why do you put up with this …’ type response’, but much more eloquently than I could have done. Obviously there are lots of different reasons people choose to stay in relationships with partners who irritate them on occasion.

Yes, mine but I think the issue is intent, my husband thinks he is being helpful and if I carry on regardless he doesn't mind, the days out thing is anxiety and I know just say let just go we can come back if it doesn't work out, once he is in the car he is fine, he has a problem with transitions, ie changing from one thing to another.

Mine does this - in his head it's helpful....in reality it's super annoying! He gets the answer of "because I'm a grown woman and I can" or "because I want to"

My bf doesn't thankfully do this but he does take my questions very literally. I was talking about a person who sent me a message and said "does she reply think that she has the skills to do this". His response "Its really hard to say since I haven't spoken with her and asked about it". Nope, I did not actually think you could read her mind and tell me what she thinks. Based on this my advice is to just be very literal "I think its a good idea" "I want to" or just ignore and go whenever you want!

DH has a tendency to be the voice of doom. If I say "shall we continue with project X today and see if we can get this much done" he will agree but then say "Ah but I only have limited time / have a lot pf pressure on today / whatever so I can only do a little" and inevitably we get it all done, or if I say "Let's go to [place]" he'll agree and then say "But I don't think you will enjoy it as much as you think you will" or if I am trying to do something it will be "Don't get your hopes up". Earlier in the relationship I challenged him on it but now I just ignore it. Infact I play a little game with myself to see just how quickly the doom-laden comment will arrive. I never, ever acknowledge it, I just carry on.

Oddly he's wildly over-ambitious with anything he chooses to do. One session on the exercise bike leads to detailed planning for 3 sessions per week plus two walks (never happens) and when I bought an electric conversion kit for my bike (I have some mobility problems) so I could enjoy whizzing round the countryside in summer he got one as well and was off on a flight of fancy about how we could work up to doing 100 mile rides. Like fuck we will.

I just let him get on with it, it's just one of his quirks. Otherwise, I adore him.

Anyone who did this with me would be single fairly quickly.

Yes I can relate. I find calling him out every single time has improved things hugely.

I'm not explaining myself to you.
I'm not looking for permission.
Stop controlling me.

Could you tell him that pragmatic or not, you honestly dont appreciate being made to second guess every single decision you make, even the really minor ones as its a waste of time and you suspect anxiety on his part might be driving it. Its perfectly ok to just nip to the shop without having to overthink it

Do it back to him constantly, see how he likes it.

My dp is the same. I called him out on his control freak behaviour yesterday. I wanted to order an Indian takeaway and I said 'ill have some naan bread too', his response 'no, because you won't eat it all', my response 'er I'm a grownup and if I want to order it, I will'. He does it all of the time. His dad is the same, can't help but comment on every single thing people do. I literally was just changing the bin last last time he was down and he said 'oh you don't get the thick heavy duty ones do you', argghh

You know that goddawful Billie song from a thousand years ago? Because I want to? Or possibly that line from Rage against the Machine, "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me". Just sing one or other of those EVERY time h does it. Every. Single. Time.

It's dog-training. Negative consequences.

All men are not like this! That’s a very reductive and unhelpful attitude to take as it implies if you are a straight woman you “have” to put up with it, or be single. Not true. Tell him to stop it now or you’ll ditch him! Life is too short to be with someone negging you the whole time.

My husband is like this. I hate it. He becomes very defensive when I comment on disliking it. He says he’s only giving his opinion which hasn’t been asked for. I find it wearing and it also dents my confidence constantly being questioned and having my choices commented upon. He grew up with a single mum who basically deferred to my husband on decisions. I also think it’s an element of control within his personality. I haven’t had a brilliant role model in my mum who’d say “if you want him to do X, use sex”. Knowing what I know now, I suspect I’d have ended things with my DH. But we’re three kids in now (they’ve got Sen) so it’s not as easy to leave.

Have you tried saying ‘I’m not asking your permission’? This would drive me nuts. My DH used to do this , suggest I go somewhere later, for example. I just would tell him ‘But I want to go now’. He soon stopped suggesting, it wasn’t helpful and I wasn’t going to change my mind because he thought it was better to do something his way. It creeps back occasionally. I wanted to go to the supermarket as he was leaving for work, not in his way or anything. He asked why I didn’t go later. Just why? I want to go now!

Its quite depressing that some women think that all men are like this. They are not.

My partner would never question me like this because, he isn't controlling and I wouldn't put up with it.

There are so many on this thread that need to make their partner an ex. It's unbelievable and depressing.

I am here for tips on resolving or at least curbing this. I am losing my will to live...