Extract
This tweet from UN Women was rightfully making the rounds of ridicule on Radfem Twitter a month or so ago. But for some reason, it stuck with me. I kept coming back to it, trying to really articulate why I found it so toxic. So I really want to use it to very quickly explain a major failure in modern fauxminism: pandering to men.
The premises of this kind of argument go like this. One, feminism should include men, because feminism is a movement for everyone. Two, men can benefit from feminism, because men also suffer under patriarchy, I.e. through toxic masculinity, for example. Three, feminism can liberate women, too, by teaching men to overcome their toxic masculinity.
But none of this is truly feminist at all. It’s simply further ways in which women are emotional support animals to men, and, in that way, another failure of modern fauxminism.
Firstly, I would translate this tweet, and the other arguments of this kind, as “Women should help normalise men having and expressing their feelings.”
Ok. Now let’s take those premises one by one.
- Feminism should include men, because feminism is a movement for everyone.
No. See this article for more. But I will just briefly say, feminism is a movement for women, it specifically centres women, and anything else is
not feminism, because it does
not centre women.
- Men can benefit from feminism, because men also suffer under patriarchy, for example, through toxic masculinity.
While it is true that toxic masculinity can make men’s lives more difficult, it is important to remember that patriarchy is a net benefit for men. Otherwise,
it would not exist, and men themselves would have abolished it long ago. Every institution is a compromise between all parties and a reflection of the relative power those parties have. Patriarchy is no exception, and its existence is proof that men have more societal power than women, and enforce and perpetuate patriarchy because it
benefits them overall.
But this raises an important question. Should women help normalise men expressing their emotions?
Well, I would ask UN Women, why aren’t you asking men to do that? Why do we have to do it? How is it progress to place the onus of male enrichment on women? This tweet, like the fauxminist sentiment behind it, places women in the role of mother, nurturer, caretaker. But women as a group are not emotional support for men as a group. We don’t exist for male betterment. We exist for ourselves.
But this sentiment, “we have to help men handle their emotions,” is even more insidious than that. “We have to help men handle their emotions” leads to “men can’t handle their emotions” leads to “men can’t control themselves, women have to help them control themselves,” which is not a far cry from “she made me do it.”
Look, this tweet and the very common sentiment it communicates is part of rape culture. This sentiment contributes to rationalising male violence. It says, we need to teach men to share their emotions, and maybe then, they’ll stop hurting us. The world will be a better place for women if only women would teach men to stop lashing out at them! This tweet is a Beauty and the Beast tale: we can tame men into being good people. It is our job, and only then will we all be free.
And to all of that, I say bullshit.
Women do not exist to help men. Men, if you have toxic masculinity problems, if you have problems dealing with your emotions and expressing them, if it makes you violent, handle it your fucking selves. Use the resources patriarchy has given you—the resources you have taken—and fix your own problems.