To wonder why marriages end?

[Dee314]

My DH said that most marriages end because one person in unfaithful? Surely there are other reasons?

Thinking about it, the divorces in my social circle (late 30s early 40s) have been down to the man having an affair - most of them were sexual, but one was “only” emotional and interestingly the emotional affair was the couple that weren’t ever really suited to each other and cracks had been showing for years before they even got married…

Divorces in my parents’ age group seem to be “death by 1000 cuts” type situations. Always the women ending it, and usually because they have just had enough of (insert personality trait/behaviour) and have decided they would be much happier on their own.

Surely ‘death by 1000 cuts’ is the same as resentment ?

My ex went to prison (for fraud that he committed whilst with his ex that I didn't know about). I had a newborn baby and we had rented out my flat (his idea) so I had to live with my in-laws and his two brothers as well as his older brother's wife and two kids in one big house in the middle of nowhere. Oh, and I had just had a baby. It didn't last 😂

Lots of marriages end because of a partner being unfaithful, but loads of other reasons as well,, as in being with a grim alcoholic who is beyond saving,, a violent and nasty partner who can't control their ways. People who get married much to soon, without knowing anything much about the new person. Sexual issues in all it's guises between couples.
And some people just decide to end a marriage because of very petty reasons nowadays,

The divorces I know have been because of disappointment, that marriage wasn't the wonderful easy life they expected, and had to be worked at. And when unfaithfulness happened it was after the disillusionment.
It may be coincidence, but the ones that broke up soonest and most painfully were those who had the grandest and most expensive weddings.

@GladAllOver

The divorces I know have been because of disappointment, that marriage wasn't the wonderful easy life they expected, and had to be worked at. And when unfaithfulness happened it was after the disillusionment. It may be coincidence, but the ones that broke up soonest and most painfully were those who had the grandest and most expensive weddings.

Sadly I think this is true in many divorce or rocky marriage cases I know of. The expectations of the perfect life have not been matched by the daily grind especially when kids come along. Also same experiences with the lavish weddings, DH and I attended 5 in one year and 4 of these were divorced a few years later. There is that phase when everyone is getting married and having kids and it seems like the thing to do but it's not always right. In some of these there were issues before and getting married was seen as the fix, then having kids but essentially the pressure these things bring only magnifies previous issues.

Amicably realised we were different people after 25 years. I think this is pretty common as I have many friends who have split this way and remained friends I should add

All the divorces I know of have happened due to the man deciding that once they had kids he didn't have to do anything anymore, as his partner was not only mum to the children but to him as well. I know of a couple of marriages where there have been affairs but none of them have divorced

Because they start doing your head in.

Alcoholism in my case (his) which meant financial problems and emotional abuse. Plus the giant toddler behaviour.

I didn’t have a lavish wedding (far, far from it) but still my marriage was pretty much unsalvageable from about 3 months in. I knew it was not going to work out almost immediately because he took less than a week to change in quite profound ways.

I mean, there were signs I’d missed. And I had doubts. But stupidly I married him. And learned that he is in fact a lazy misogynist who thinks I should not just be his unpaid nanny (to his kids) and household skivvy, but that I should be delighted to be treated poorly by him and his children as I skivvy for them.

I wasn’t expecting a fairy tale or it to be plain sailing. But it was more like suddenly having been cast as the thieves in home alone and being berated for not enjoying having irons dropped on my head and such like.

Many reasons. Being faithful is one of the miminum expectations in a marriage. I do think people can grow apart or realise they aren't meant to be together without actually cheating.

my exh and I married young after a short relationship. I dont think either of us knew what marriage entailed. We want different things were not willing to compromise. We packed it in after 18 months, given my relationships since, in hindsight I wish I tried to save it but we had no assets (except a car) and no DC so it was a pretty easy to get a divorce. At least it was amicable, I got on with my life, he got on with his.

A friend of mine got divorce after she got a big high paying job, they were both miserable but would have been financially worse off considerably if she stayed.

Of the people I know well, the marriages ended because

1.) He wanted children and for her to give up work to be a housewife and she said no to both. Lasted a year.
2.) He was unfaithful
3.) He turned out to be gay
4.) He propositioned her sister
5.) She fell completely out of love with him and just ran off. Not unfaithful, just set up a new life for herself in a new town then once it was all in place, she dumped him and left her newly adult DC too.
6.) The ended up like brother and sister, split and stayed very close friends, and both remarried

I'm in my late forties. now and am seeing a few friends divorce (even friends who were the most in love and happy). I think the early years of falling in love and getting married are reasonably easy as you are normally young and healthy and both work in roles where they are not affected by childcare etc.. I have seen that once children are in the picture then things become more tricky. Normally one of the couple has to sacrifice more in terms of career and life opportunities and this can lead to resentment. I think that children can be more challenging as they get older as well (when they are no longer as 'cute'!). In my experience it is the women who get fed up of having the mental load and the men who long for a return to their youth and want to get away from the nagging and resentful partner by having an affair. I got married and had children when i was 30 after having met my husband as a teen. We both had a lot of time apart to do our own thing and had been through a lot before we got married. I think this has really helped as life can get harder as you get older. I have some good friends who have recently got divorced. They were the most 'in love' I have ever seen , and it has definitely made me realise that you really have to work at your relationship and not take anything for granted.