To wonder why marriages end?

[Dee314]

My DH said that most marriages end because one person in unfaithful? Surely there are other reasons?

Mine ended because we got married way too young and ended up a few years later with nothing in common. We’d have been celebrating our golden wedding in June and remain very good friends. Whoever dies last will attend the other’s funeral and shed genuine tears.

A divorce lawyer friend of mine thought that in most cases there was somebody else, either an actual affair or in the wings / background.

In other cases there will be domestic abuse or addiction.

I think in only a few cases do people divorce because they have ‘ just’ grown apart.

It's mostly women who initiate divorces and if I remember correctly it's often due to a dispute over money and/or a partner not pulling his weight around the house and with the kids, leaving her to do all the work.

I’m getting divorced.
There is no one else in the scene, either for me or dh.

I think the ‘mainly getting divorced because one of them has an affair’ is symptomatic if the culture you live in.
So refusing to settle or having grown apart or no sex is not seen as a good enough reason to get divorced (you just have to see the number if threads in MN around that idea) whereas an affair is.
I also think that people stay in relationships for too long, unhappy and then the affair starts (so the affair isn’t the issue as such).

The. Of course, you have the ones who are just unfaithful…
Or abusive etc…

@5128gap

Straightforward cost benefit analysis on the part of the person who ends it. If the marriage offers enough to compensate for the issues, be they an affair, disinterest, boredom, inconvenience, restrictions, lack of sex, whatever, people tend to stay. When the scales tip in the other direction, they tend to leave, and the tipping point is different for everyone.

That’s a good point.

@RosesAndHellebores

Having been married for 31 years I suspect because even when things are 100% right marriage is hard enough and compromises have to be made. Sprinkle in learning how each other deal with life's traumas such as illness and bereavement the curve can be steeper than the closer bonding they ultimately bring.

Well that sounds suspiciously like telling those of us who are divorced, that we just didn’t try hard enough 🙄

@FelicityFlops
That's so incredibly hard; I hope you've managed to make your peace it with it x

My friends ended because she slept with someone else and realised she didn't want to be with the husband despite him willing to try.

Same situation for my SIL I think.

My parents because of abuse and she was seeing someone else who gave her the courage to leave.

Mine ultimately because we've grown apart but there are a lot of deep seated issues in there which have all come to a head.

I think a lot of marriages do end because there was someone else on the scene but I don't believe that the marriage was happy before that. I don't think someone truly happy would be tempted enough to go through with it. I know there are a lot of people who do it for the thrill but I still think there must be issues in there somewhere for it to happen.

Yep and no amount of trying hard enough will fix something that is truly broken.

You might be able to patch something up and whilst it doesn't look the same it's good enough. Sooner or later the cracks show and it falls apart again. You patch it up again, it looks a bit worse this time but you ignore it until the cracks show and it falls apart for the second time.

At some point you have to admit that it's broken and throw it away. It might be physically hard and mentally hard throwing it away but eventually after time you realise it was no longer bringing joy to your life, just a whole load of stress.

"I don't think people generally have affairs if there are no other relationship issues"

Plenty of people have affairs when (and they will confirm this) they are perfectly happy wtih their marriage and would never want their marriage to end (for so long as their spouse does not know about the affair).

IMO it's initial compatibility (and some men lacking moral fibre ).

My 1st marriage ended in my late 20s due to being married to a nice guy but wanted to carry on life as if he was still 21 and we had 2 children. Nights out with mates, going to football most weekends, popping down the pub after his dinner3 nights a week. Making it awkward for me to work in anything that might interfere with his social life. Going to off license /takeaway and never asking me if I wanted anything. None were exactly huge things but added up to enough that I felt like a complete afterthought.

If my current 26 year old marriage goes tits up (and the jury is out ) it will be due to him changing from a very loyal , witty , attractive and trustworthy metrosexual slightly right on guy in his 30s who I loved a great deal to someone who developed an infatuation in his early 40s and documented it- found by me many years later, Daily secretive hard core porn habit , not being interested in sex on my part (the porn habit partly responsible) inability to control temper be it other drivers or something not going as expected and an inability to be satisfied with most aspects of life or were we live etc— I do genuinely get how he feels about many things but it’s a bit knackering (I’ve had so many house moves it’s ridiculous) and it’s a bit joyless to live with and I think he will be an awfully hard work pensioner or if I was really ill . That’s at the back of my mind all the time — it really isn’t always affairs-

@cocomarine I'm sorry my post came across that way - it wasn't my intention.

Because people aren't happy in them

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@cocomarine I'm sorry my post came across that way - it wasn't my intention.[/quote]
Thank you.
In my experience directly of myself and friends, I’ve never come across someone who gave up too easily. Frankly I’ve more often seen the opposite - like a friend trying desperately to persuade her husband to go to counselling to stop him beating her 😢

Because people enter into them in the first place, not because they actually love the person they are marrying, but because they expect that person to make them happy.
Then when that person does not make them happy, they end the marriage in one way or another saying they were not happy.
In other words, it just as often is about selfishness.

@bubblesbubbles11

Because people enter into them in the first place, not because they actually love the person they are marrying, but because they expect that person to make them happy. Then when that person does not make them happy, they end the marriage in one way or another saying they were not happy. In other words, it just as often is about selfishness.

Erm what? Are you trying to wind people up?

my ex's first marriage ended because his wife had an affair.

our marriage ended because he was an abusive, controlling bully.. does make me wonder if thats why his first wife had an affair tbh.

My XH told me he was bi (I do believe he truly believed he was), but he wasn't, he was gay. The sex was appalling, we were both unfaithful for years, and eventually I fell in love with someone else and left. I only realised after that that he was also an abusive twat.

The XH was an abusive twat that is. The new man was also deficient in other ways though, and I did not end up with him in the end...

Infidelity sometimes but a lot more of the time the reason is more subtle and insidious.

Of our friends I'm trying to think of the apparent reasons:

1. The husband grew bored with family life and fell out of love with the wife. He thought he deserved more (narc). He was unfaithful eventually but it was more of a symptom than the cause. He was trying to trigger the wife into throwing him out so he could play the good guy/victim.
2. The wife grew bored of being a sahm and missed her home country and wanted to relive her youth and spend more time there.
3. Two couples had long gruelling journeys through infertility and ivf treatments. When they eventually had a longed for baby, there was nothing left of "them" any more.
4. Didn't enjoy each others company any more/ couldn't remember anything they liked about each other.
5. One partner was very moody (always) but eventually the moods dominated and spoilt everything.
6. Grew apart aka the man resented the children were now the centre of attention and not him.

I'm still married after 22 years (27 together), mainly happy, but the times I've thought about being unhappy in the marriage were as follows - none of them infidelity:
Lack of emotional support.
Expected to be the one who was always ok/the stoic and not step out of that role.
Invisible labour (emotional care of kids/ others, planning birthdays, education, getting kids neurological disorders diagnosed and supported, arranging and coordinating the whole house renovation, planning and administrating all our holidays and activities) completely taken for granted except when an aspect warranted criticism.
The children being considered primarily my job and what he does for them (tbh close to half) is considered a favour to me rather than an exercise of fatherly duties.
Thoughtlessness.
My feelings/wishes placed at the bottom of the pecking order.
My job/career dismissed as less important (despite me being the main breadwinner).
Not respecting my wish for occasional time and space for myself.

Not seeming to desire any family time (this is really hard because you can't make someone want something!) Will come out with us if I instigate and plan it but seems to be counting down to when he can get back to his preferred solitary activities.

I think these are much more likely to be the reasons why marriages end, or particularly why women choose to end marriages. I've made peace with mine because my husband does more of the practical domestic load (all the laundry, hoovering, gardening and 60+% of the cooking) so I don't resent the mental load so much. If I was expected to do all that as well as work full time, I'd have been single again a long time ago!

@blubberball
I'm so sorry to hear this. He sounds like a really unpleasant person. I'm sure you will be much better off without him, even though tough in the short term.

3. Two couples had long gruelling journeys through infertility and ivf treatments. When they eventually had a longed for baby, there was nothing left of "them" any more.

This one's actually sadly quite common IME

One couple I knew split because she was financially abusing him. It was horrible. He's remarried now.

I've been gaslighted, lied to, manipulated in other ways...I will call it off one day, I just need to (to use a famed MN phrase) get my ducks in a row.

It's not always sex. It's the flaws in ourselves, generally. Sometimes, people just don't love each other anymore.

What - of course being unfaithful isn’t the only reason 🙄 - you’re DH is being a bellend.